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deprimidaok

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About deprimidaok

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  1. Thank you 20YAC. I do understand what you mean. And I apreciate the feedback. To be honest I'm not scared of the infidelity representing a threat in any way. I'm just overwhelmed by the commitment. I do not expect everybody or the majority of people to fully be able to put themselves in my place in the same way as I don't expect to run into people who have had my love life record. :rock:
  2. Hi LJC. Yes, I'm very frightened to lose him. We spend weekends together. My time on my own would basically be a period of time when I can call myself "single" for a while.
  3. Hi, it's Depri. How are you? I'm going to try and keep it short. Background: I was completely rejected by men my whole adolescence and youth, my first date was a cup of coffee with a classmate at 26. I learnt I was the most undesirable girl in the whole world and from an early point I decided I wanted to explore my sexuality independently of this horrid feeling of rejection, so I was very sexually active and healthy but my MO was one night stands who would never want to hear from me again (not that I'm unaware that that's how it works). I built my independence, my sense of personal completion without the need of validation from men. I still felt awful about never being attractive to anybody but that was more of a self image problem rather than me being desperate to have a man. One year+ ago: I met my current (first) boyfriend through a mutual friend who had set up us just for a sexual partnership. In spite of this detail we rapidly fell in love. Very ironically he turned out to be impotent, but for the first year I put up because I was in love and feel great comfort. Some 6 months into the relationship I lost my sanity, dropped the psychiatrist, dropped the medication, began to drink all day and confided only to him I'd made plans for suicide. He followed the steps a responsible person would follow: talk about it with his own family for advise, notify my family I'd dropped all forms of treatment and exit the relationship abruptly. I postponed the suicide date because I felt it was ridiculous for it to look like I killed myself because he'd left me. I made an appointment with the psychiatry section of my medical insurance and decided to put suicide plans on hold and in the mean time try and be stable. A week later he called me. He wanted us to get back. I felt betrayed and incapable of trusting; it took me a loooong time to realise he had done the sensible (and loving, I suspect) thing to do. We gradually began to see each other again, love grew deeper than before because the sad experience seemed to have made the bond stronger rather than weaker or irreparable. We love each other tons. We are tender and loving to each other and he's very strict about me being in treatment (or else, and by experience, I know what he means). Present: he remains impotent. This, per se, is not the only problem. The affection and dynamic of a commited relationship I feel is smothering me severely. I need you to understand I had my first date at 26. I never knew what love was like and I'm just not wired like that. If you cannot understand this (and nobody from offline other than the psychologist can) I beg you not to cast judgement. I have been having meaningless affairs with people I don't even care to ever see again. We had been talking about in the past about how monogamy was a bad idea, he always had my consent to see other girls and I finally convinced him to let me do that too, he agreed, but it felt dishonest. However his agreement I took advantage of, clearly. He's unaware of anything. I justify myself by telling myself that if he was able to be firm about not seeing me anymore if I didn't get medical attention, he could also be firm at the time of setting the boundaries of exclusivity, and honesty or not, he agreed to let me see other people under my genuine promise that my love was all his. After a year + of almost no sex at all I am finally having casual sex at the rhythm I was used to. But that's not even the problem. The problem is that I feel asphyxiated and claustrophobic in a commitment. It pains me deeply, but I need some time on my own. He's happier and more in love than ever and it would break his heart if I asked for it so I don't plan to for now but it will eventually happen because this is not how I learnt to relate to men and I'm just not wired for this. And if you are going to issue an opinion, please, please don't doubt my love for him because I can't remain faithful. I find it to be superficial convention and furthermore it hurts to have my honest feelings questioned. I don't need this alone time break from the relationship to fool around. I already am doing that. I need it to be single, again, like I've learnt to be my entire life up until this point. Thanks
  4. Thank you for your companionship. I hope to see you around
  5. Thank you, whatcha!!!!! I've since resumed contact with him making it clear that for the time being we won't be getting back together. The thing is though... in the past, he has shown signals of ability for change. He used to harshly punish me por his impotence but my retaliation was so severe he never did it again. He's also cutting down on drugs. But being abandoned is so GD horrible I never want to go through it again. I'm also cutting down on alcohol and my insurance admitted me to get psychiatric treatment!!!! I'm SO relieved over that, I thought they wouldn't.... I'm just very frightened over what might happen if we get back together since "second chance" success rates are so low. But I'm working on myself HARD. Thanks for you reply :)
  6. Alright, hello! Here's my trouble. I was doing quite well for myself (considering I suffer from MDD) and my medication was working wonderfully. I was working, going to medical school, taking part in a few organisations and for the first time in 27 years I got myself a boyfriend. Then, for some reason I don't quite comprehend, I quit the medication and said goodbye to my therapist (quite stupid, for sure... why would I do that). This was some 3 months ago although it's hard to put a date on it since I gradually began to "forget" to take my medication, and when I quit the therapist it was because I was so deep into depression I didn't see the point in going anymore. So I made plans to commit suicide. I didn't tell anybody, but I did tell my boyfriend. He googled legal penalties for those who are aware that someone will commit suicide and don't prevent it, got scared and told EVERYBODY. I felt so completely violated in my privacy, even though I realise his point, he was overwhelmed by the idea and didn't know what to do. He set up rules to put the relationship back together, such as me not commiting suicide, seeing a therapist, taking medication and the like. I complied, I called my insurance and scheduled an appointment with a new therapist and kept taking the great medication I used to be on which I had leftover (lamotrigin, aripiprazole and alprazolam). After that he talked to his family and was talked into leaving me, which he did in the cruelest of ways (over a social network, foul language, cruel ways). So, I realised I couldn't commit suicide now, because it would look like I'd done it because my boyfriend left me and that's not the real reason why I want to die. So I put myself back together, called my insurance company, became compliant with medication. One week after his absolutely cruel abandonment he called me. I didn't pick up, and installed the "Blacklist" application. But he kept calling for a whole day. So I finally picked up. In that week between him leaving me horribly and him calling back I understood he didn't want me and that I can live without a man. I also had this feeling of serenity since I knew that everytime there was a notification on my phone it wasn't him leaving me, because he was already gone, so I didn't need to fear abandonment again. I can't lie about the fact that you don't just stop loving your man from one day to the next and I still do, but he told everyone about my suicide plans, set up rules which I complied with under the false promise of staying together, and then left me in a horrible way. I don't trust him anymore as a partner. Also, since he decided to tell his family and all his friends about my probable suicide (one person would have sufficed....) I went on to tell my family and friends about his drug problem, and his impotence problem (both of which I put up with because I loved him so much, as many women do). So if I get back in touch with him my environment will view it as some sort of Stockholm syndrome problem. Please excuse spelling mistakes. I'm South American, that's why. Thank you
  7. Hi Phan! I have no experience with any of that but I wanted to tell you we can talk anytime as I struggle myself with these things. Hugs!
  8. I never meant to play with the second person, he would never deserve that. I don't think I'd ever do that. As a matter of fact one of the reasons I'm so upset is because I want to treat him as seriously as possible.
  9. Good evening! I would like to get some advice on this my current situation. I am a female who just turned 26 last week and up until some 2 months ago had never dated or been in love. I had, however, fallen into deep obssessions with certain men in 2-3 occasions which resolved well in time except for one which was exponentially deep and occured last year. I attend medical school and I met him in my biochemistry class, he said we should get together to study, we did such thing once, and shortly after that he stopped talking to me or even saying hello for no reason. I was very discreet about it, I would like to think, but still very obssessed with him, and people around me told me that the obvious explanation was that he had sensed the obssession in me and had got scared and wanted to set a distance. I could rationalise all of this but could not. erase his presence. from my head. We stopped talking in June 2012 and in July 2013 I was still frequently thinking about him but not desiring him, not even in love (I don't think I was ever in love with him, just obssessed) and fixated on the idea that I had this growing urge to make him understand how deeply affected I had been by just meeting him. I went to a medical school party some three months ago and he was there, I hadn't seen him in a long time, and I was so profoundly disturbed by his presence, I went right back home, locked myself up in my room and cried for an entire day non stop. I then realised this behaviour had to end and gathered his email and wrote to him explaining just how hurt I had been by all of this, how I was aware that none of this was his fault but I needed for him to be aware of this so I could get closure. He responded some short nonsense that said that he had been offended by some comment I had made in the past and that was the reason he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I saw him as such a little person, to crush me, pulverise me like that over some comment... I don't want him at all, I loathe him, and I dream of shooting him in both knees so he gets what it's like to feel so hurt. But I cannot erase him from my consciousness. Well, some two months ago I began dating for the first time in my life. I am dating a schoolmate who is extremely kind, well mannered, patient sometimes in excess, a successful medical student, an athlete, has little to no ugly mental issues, and is an all around win. We invited each other to our respective birthday parties. Two days ago it was my birthday party and my numerous family met him and was impressed by his kind, entertaining, light-hearted nature and I got plenty of congratulations on my "catch". He's everything a person would want in another one. But. Everynight when I go to sleep I cry my eyes out because I can't erase the one who has me obssessed, how angry I am at him, how I want to see him hurt and get him to realise what it felt/feels like for me to be so brutally rejected (I won't do anything of that nature though don't worry... I can barely look at him in the eye when I run into him at school). The worst part of this is that it looks like I have someone of tremendous worth by my side and I feel like a monster because I keep the memory of another in my head and cannot for the life of me let go of these thoughts. I feel trapped inside my own head and feelings. I feel like a really horrible person. I would like to make it clear that I was never really in love with the first one, just intensely obssessed and currently still obssessed, angry and full of bitterness and contempt. What can I do...? Thank you.
  10. Shlunka, I feel so horrible to find out that this is your state in the 11th grade... I don't know what to say to you, although come to think of it I got sick even earlier, maybe that's why I really understand. I just know all too well how this works and find it so unfair that someone your age has to put up with an illness so terrible... but I have great hopes for you Sh. See you around, Depri
  11. Hello! I start this post with no idea of how this might turn out so feel free to edit, whoever does it... so my issue is: I eat and am a normal weight, but when I do eat, I get SO anxious before, during and after eating, and I only eat when I am about to pass out and really need the energy to carry on working or studying or am too hungry to sleep. The reason for this is that I have felt fat my entire life and feel so much anxiety and guilt over eating... it has become madness lately. People commeting on how I should lose weight has triggered inmense anxiety over food in me and I cannot eat in peace (but I eat anyways! Still!). It wears me out to obssess over food all day. I only wanted to know if anyone had a similar problem. I pospone eating until I am about to pass out, as a matter of fact I almost passed out recently. I know that if I wish to lose weight in a healthy manner I need to fix a plan but I am far too apathetic to do anything about that, except obssess over my weight and food all day and get mental exhaustion over it as a result. The actual question is wether anyone gets this also? Thank you
  12. Thank you for the suggestion! I have been taking medication and seeing a therapist for the last 8 years, so I might have to try something extra like mindfulness. I will look into it.
  13. All of what you said is really very helpful. There is a very strong element of willpower involved (what with the card, it is very smart, but you need the willpower to focus on it at that time). Willpower is not my thing. I am medicated, and it does appear in the earlier post, but it is not updated. I currently take lamotrigine, aripiprazole and alprazolam. Thank you for replying!!!!
  14. I totally agree with the above poster. Not to be a downer, but it breaks my heart because I could put myself in your shoes... I went through something surprisingly similar last year, and I passed the test! :D true story! Like a sir. So no worries. You have it in you to pull through. Best of luck
  15. Hi people! I am returning to these forums as a way of coping with my latest set of problems. If you do remember me you might have noticed I went away for a while (I discovered the site is somewhat triggering when I am ok although helpful when I am not ok). I have a set of some 3 or 4 MAJOR issues in life ( some of which are posted here depressionforums.org/forums/topic/55248-new-in-forum/ by the way, it is very long and there is no need to read it other than curiosity, it just saves me from writing down my problems again). Anyways, as I was saying, it is not the precise nature of my problems which is haunting me, rather... I am caught up in a cycle of extremely negative thinking that is profoundly tiresome and toxic to those who try to help me and mainly to myself. All I do all day is rumiate anger. It is making me an impossible person, ruining what little relationships I have left and poisoning me. I need to find a way out of circular thinking. My negativity is suffocating me. All I ever think about is how worthless I am, how I sincerely wish I was not around, how ugly/stupid/pointless waste of oxygen I am. Other people are first appalled to hear it but it gets tired soon and I get it, I think I would benefit from stopping as well as those around me, but I have never had a different mindset in my life so I have no clue how to get out of the "worthlessness" circular thinking. I am told my life would make significant improvement if I did so. How do I go about it?
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