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jdhoward

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About jdhoward

  • Birthday September 18

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    wouldn't you like to know
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    I'm going through a rough patch in my life right now but I WILL MAKE IT theres no other option than to keep pushing and hope for the best things may not work out but its movement and thats somthing

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  1. Well sometimes I feel fine. Like in the days a lot of times I'm all right but at night oh man. I get just isolated and alone. Some of it's myself. Some of it's circumstantial. I often wish I had more genuine friends to like enjoy things with and do stuff with. However, it's just the maintenance and the getting out there to do the stuff and the keeping in touch and all that I just could never end up handling the upkeep. Honestly, during the first bit of the pandemic, things were actually a lot better. My fiance and I had a lot more time together and things were kind of emptied out now that everything's a few years in and settled back into a groove or some such. I guess we don't get much time together and I think that's what really gets me. He lives a good ways away for school and work right now and we mostly only get to see each other on the weekends and I think that kind of adds to my night time depressions and well I don't know things will work out eventually. In the end It just sucks when you hit rough patches and it feels like it doesn't get better. This last month has been just a plethora of projects that have not panned out well for me. My car has been just an absolute nightmare of broken parts and I keep fixing the parts and replacing stuff as I go. But every time I fix something something else breaks and it's frustrating especially when I think I've got something solved only to not have it work and that didn't help add to my frustrations. Yeah I guess you're probably right about the chat cost and money to maintain. I don't know for sure but I imagine it does hell. I imagine the whole site cost money to maintain. I know when I used to frequent here years ago there was a little more activity but you're right. Chat was always kind of intimate, I guess maybe maybe not. I've met a lot of really cool people on here though. I've kind of drifted apart from everybody honestly, but I still remember a lot of great friends that I had on here that I'd chat with.
  2. On an unrelated note what happened to the chat? its been sometime since i was here last but i used to greatly enjoy to chat its where i met most of the members i know on here
  3. Oh, I'm back. I often think of the site every now and then. I'll visit, although it's been a couple of years or so since I last was on. A lot of things have changed since I was last on. I got into a relationship you came out to my family and got engaged as well and aside from you know money troubles and time troubles and other general troubles we do alright together I fell into a deal on a home I could not pass up. I paid less for this property than a used car but it does come with its quirks. I'm constantly repairing the house and I'm always one step behind the problems but it's far cheaper than rent. Overall, I'm honestly probably in the best place that I've been so far in life. I mean my dogs are fat and silky. My house is reasonably clean enough and it's mine. My bills are pretty low. My relationships are right. Overall things are good I guess but I guess what brings me back is the mentally speaking nothing has changed. I still feel like I did when I first found the site a decade ago. I keep it to myself because I don't want the full depth of my mental state known and well I mean I still don't have insurance or that sort of stuff. I still kind of just get by making money. I don't function well when I'm stuck into the system of. I don't know what we're supposed to do. I guess regular people things I'd rather not. I just would rather fix cars build things for people do whatever I got to do to get by without joining the regular world. And I think that's part of the problem. I don't know. Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe something's wrong with me. Maybe something's wrong with the world. I really have no idea. All I know is that I just don't feel good. I don't care about the things I have. I'm not interested in the people i know. I haven't had a real genuine friend in 15-20 years and the friends that I do have. I just don't care about. One of them called me. I imagined to talk about the car he got or the kid they just adopted. I don't know because I didn't answer but he called me and I just let it go to voicemail. I know that I should probably like pursue that friendship Yeah because I am horrifically lonely but he was a work friend from a job I used to have and I'm a d**k. I never wanted to be his friend but I'm very non-confrontational honestly, that's what most of my friendships have been. People love me. They really do but I'm not I guess confident in myself enough that's not one of the words I'm looking for. I don't know the words are looking for but I don't tell them that I'm not their friend. I just kind of let it be and in doing such I've never made a genuine friendship in my entire life and I'm 30 now and I have no friends that I like just a few people that like me and It bothers me. Even my own fiance tells me that he doesn't think sometimes I care and I think sometimes he's right, which is a horrible thing to say because it's not true. I know I care but most of the time I just feel like everything is bleh. I know it's just a depression or whatever but I just was hoping like eventually it goes away. Fix the problems in your life and then you can just be happy, but I don't think it ever does. I don't know where I was going with any of this but I just know that I used to talk about being depressed real bad on here all the time and I feel like I was but whatever this is is different. It's the same thing maybe but like definitely different. I'm going to keep going. That's the thing that's what's different this time. It's that I actually just don't care. It's weird like life could go well tomorrow or I could get hit by a bus. Either one is perfectly acceptable and that's what feels so much different about it this time. I don't know. I don't know how much it matters. I don't know how much I care. I don't enjoy any of the shit that I used to and it's not just me not enjoy things. It's that everything's changes and I'm becoming older. The things I like aren't enjoyable anymore and I have a hard time finding new things that are enjoyable. I don't enjoy much new media. I dislike the way the algorithms and stuff have destroyed finding things by chance and I've become thoroughly shoehorned into a few "interests" on all of my social media and entertainment platforms and it is just kind of stagnated for me so that is kind of taken away the joy from any internet stuff. I haven't played games in oh God five or six years. At least I have all the new ones. We've got the PlayStations in the Xboxes and good game and computers in the VR headsets. I've never touched any of it but we keep getting it I've built a pretty reasonable garage setup. I've got a bunch of pretty nice specialty tools for car stuff. I got a welder hell. I got presses and grinders and anything like that you can think of. I never touch any of it. I use it when I need to fix a car part but I don't touch a bit of it for pleasure. Same with my woodworking tools. Same with my motorcycles. Hell I barely even fix the cars anymore. Just enough to make them go from point a to point b. I even sold my hot rods. I don't know why I'm writing any of this out. I don't know why I'm back. I don't know if I care but I did miss a few people on here and I wonder if I'll ever run into them again. Anyway, I guess thanks for reading this if you took the time. And sorry for the giant wall of text. I mostly use the voice to chat so whatever comes out of my mouth just gets sent
  4. Hey man, I doubt you'll ever see this, but I did get your message 2 years late but it was good to read it. Anyway, Hope you're doing well. I'm still alive lol

  5. ha i just cant seem to catch a break car blew a head gasket on the way to work today and my phones outta time but i cant put time on it cause i just spent all my money on parts i need to fix the truck i give up lol *** did i do to pi** off the karma gods
  6. alright where to start well ive been doing pretty good at my job but the pay is real bad i cant really get ahead but i bought a nice car then someone hit the side of it then in july my step father died at work so that has been rough then a friend of mine died then last month my father had a heart attack an passed away and about a week after that my grandmother passed away from the stress her funeral was about 2 weeks ago then one of my horses got out an killed in the road they wanted to sue but we settled it an today i was going to get the truck ready for winter and the wheel fell off goin down the road a wheel bearing broke so that has been my year other than that ive been alright really i mean i cant complain things kinda suck but it will work out eventually
  7. life has not been going the greatest for myself as of late. a few months ago my step father who i was fairly close with was killed in a logging accident and it has been had to adjust to life without him then at the end of september a couple days after my 26th birthday my father who i was very close to died of a heart attack and the stress of his passing caused my grandmother who i lived with for a long time to also pass away of a heart attack. over the course of the last few months i've lost my grandma my father and my stepfather all of wich were very important people in my life i just feel like im in shock or something i dont know what to do anymore i get up an go to my job and do the routine but i dont care about it at all anymore. i never had any intention on staying at the job i have now i was going to stay until i finish my probation and then go back to work on the road with my father and eventually take over driving the truck it was his dream to have a family trucking company him my brother and myself all running peterbilt 397s and now its just gone theres nothing left and i dont know what to do with my self idk
  8. i miss my father

  9. i wanna get messed up to make myself feel nothing but that would be selfish i need to be there for my family mom lost a husband and my brother and sister lost a father 

  10. one of my friends was found this morning in his apartment dead from an overdose and ive felt pretty upset all day. i don't know how to feel about it i used to hang out and listen to music an watch movies and get high with him all the time i helped him when he got divorced and i helped him when he moved and after i got clean almost a year ago i havent been around him much and now i never will again. I'm feeling such a range of emotions right now on the one hand i am upset that i will never see him again he really was a good guy he was insanely funny,smart,and had a knack of just making things work out in the end. he was always so energetic and full of life even in bad times and now hes gone. on the other hand while we grew apart over the last year maybe talked 2 or 3 times we were still friends and i am mad at him and in a strange way jealous that he is gone and not me he never has to wake up and deal with lifes problems or the constant disappointment. i miss you man
  11. Just sitting here listening to my family talk about president trump an how hes gonna stop "the mexicans and islams" from coming into our country among other blatently racist remarks.   an im just sitting here like fml i wish i'd have made better choices and wasn't stuck around these people 

  12. I am a little upset today i just lost close to two thousand dollars  an there's nothing i can do about it 

  13. I am happier since i stopped smoking pot 

    3 months off drugs so far 

    1. jasonh

      jasonh

      Congratulations man! You can definitely do this.

      Keep up the fight, and message me if you need anything.

  14. Thank you for your reply epictetus its been some time now since we've chatted but if you wanna talk about what you're going through i'm always around to listen just send me a message i hope for your happiness. In other news i have been to the counseling center here i did there intake about 2 weeks ago and some time in the next week or so i will be going for my first meeting i dont know if it will help and i dont really like the idea of talking to a part time counsellor but its a start
  15. i wish i wasn't on house arrest here i just wanna go home i miss my dog and my friends and being around people that i don't care about an don't care about me. I hate being here around my family im an a****** and and a negative influence on my brother and sister and they always wanna talk to me or have me teach them things and i just shoo them off and im not always the nicest about it either i just don't want them around me i don't want them to be like me i just wanna be gone. Everythings changed from when i was growing up white trash and i miss it me and my other little sister diddnt have anything and were probably weren't treated very well dad was an abusive drunk but it was a life i knew. I've long ago left all that in the past ive been out pretty much on my own and helping take care of my grandma on my biological fathers side for years now but were still poor white trash and its a life i like and know i don't want change. My mom has remarried a few years back and her husband really is a great guy but everything so different i really don't like being around for long there good people now he works hard and there lower middle class but its not the same everything is nice and my brother and sister take everything they have for granted they don't know the value of a dollar or understand what its like to pick car insurance over groceries. i dont know why im writing this or what it even reans really but its just a feeling that i don't belong here that eats away at me constantly the longer im here the worse i feel and i know that if i can't leave before its to late im gonna be an even more negative influence on my siblings i'd rather they only have memories of my visits and not memories about how much of a d**k i am all the time being here only brings them down.
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