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Everything posted by Doommantia

  1. I feel so down. I need to do something with my life, I feel so unproductive and like I'm wasting my life. Everyone else in my circle of friends are doing really well, travelling, socialising, buying houses and getting engaged. What am I doing? Sat in my room feeling sorry for myself 24/7 and playing games. I'm a disappointment.
  2. Went to bed at 7am this morning , got up half an hour ago (its now 3:30 pm). I feel horrible and very angry. I woke up in rage. Not good. I just played my cat the "hello cat" video on Youtube, and he proceeded to chat back to it. That made me feel slightly better, as does this cup of coffee. I still feel quite tired and "lost" though. :\
  3. I would like a relationship again at some point in my life, however at the moment I don't want nor crave a relationship with (or even sleep with) any woman. I feel with all my problems it just isn't worth it, it would only end in tears and probably would hurt whoever I'm in a relationship with. Just isn't any point. I just know how things will work out, before they've even started. I just miss her.I don't understand why. We've been broken up for 2 years, and I was dealing it with fine for a few months until now. I have accepted we will never be together ever again. It's very hard to explain. Everything just feels... hopeless. I'm too tired. My thoughts are all haphazard.
  4. I'd say that is a breakthrough and something that probably really needs to be addressed in good time. I'm interested in why do you feel your father is the root cause of your self hatred. Why? Well my father "forgot" about me it seemed until he was on his death bed and asking to see me. I see myself becoming more and more like him everyday, and in turn I loathe myself for it. I can't see myself being anything more than a deadbeat like he was. I say that fully aware that I miss him. So maybe you and I have some similar issues? If you don't wish to talk about that, that's completely understandable. At any rate, I wish you all the best with your therapy and a massive congratulations for actually being in therapy, I can't manage to work up the courage just to see my GP about how I feel.
  5. Bitter, angry, miserable, sad, and envious all rolled into one. I feel sick of other people shoving their happiness in my face at every turn, I'm angry because I don't feel I deserve this disgusting life I've been given. I want to start again. I'm miserable because I have no life to speak of, I have no job and I have nothing. I'm sad because, why wouldn't I be? I'm envious of other people. Actually, I just despise other people altogether. I wish them nothing more than the pain I'm suffering with. They all need to feel it.
  6. I don't get like this in front of other people, but when I'm alone I find I get extremely angry. To the point, where I begin fantasising about mass m***** and harming others. I mean actually thinking about how much I think others deserve pain and thinking about the ways I could go about it, in complete detail. I feel my depression and all my issues came about because of other people, society if you will. So I feel I have some kind of right to harm others. Now I know this kind of thinking ist normal, and I know harming others is wrong (and illegal, but morals play a bigger part for me) so I'd never atually do it. I just let the anger stew, and I bottle it all up (which cant be healthy). I just wish to know, why I get like that? I'm usually very calm with my family and friends, but when I'm alone I get very "weird" I tend to talk to myself in various voices and laugh uncontrollably too sometimes, whilst it does sound funny thinking about it.. it's actually very worrying. Thing is, I've always done that. Since I was little, but when I think about it.. it isn't normal. Is it?
  7. I could never get a decent job, and believe me I've tried. I've tried and I've tried. I'm very good in interviews, my CV is up to scratch, but because the universe has decided it doesn't want me in it and people all seem to have a problem with me the dream of just having a job for drinking money is a dead one. I'll see people in my life living theirs, having it large and going to the jobs they love. I'll be stuck at home playing games and i'll eventually die alone from a heart attack. Just you watch, it'll happen because its just my luck. So nothing, I'm not doing anything about it. I've given up and it's society's fault. They're to blame.
  8. My first, only and last girlfriend who I spent the better part of 4 years with broke up with me 2 years ago. I have spoken to her since via social networking means, and she still wants me in her life as a friend it would seem, and I would too. Anyway up until September-ish last year, I was very depressed and heart broken about losing her. Stupidly, I didn't do anything about my depression, anger or selfish attitude. I didn't even want to admit I had a problem, until she called it a day with me and proceeded to move her life forward. But the last couple of weeks, I've felt my longing for her creeping back in and I see her moving her life forward and I well up with envy and rage. She has a new boyfriend now, graduated from uni and has achieved her dream of becoming a paediatric nurse. I am happy for her, don't get me wrong but I don't understand why I can't move my life forward. Hence the envy. I'm not sure why I'm angry, I think it might be with myself. Shes very beautiful too, as a human being and image wise. I'll never be able to find another like her. Every girl I've met since have either had boyfriends or just weren't interested in me. I don't even want a relationship any more and I never want one. I was getting used to the idea of her not being in my life, so I have no idea why these thoughts have come flooding back. I guess my life is lacking in everything, I have no job, no dreams, nothing I could ever achieve and no talents. So I guess that's why. I tend to look at other peoples lives and they're all very superior to my own life. I guess I'm made for this world. I'm not sure how long I can keep this up. I mean I'm 22 years old, I've had 1 girlfriend. I have no "skills" to ever date again. Plus I have no desire to want to date again. There is something very wrong in that. Furthermore shouldn't a 22 year old be living their life, rather that being a talentless, waste of skin recluse? I think not. I'll give it another month, tops.
  9. Music, coffee & games. It goes without saying I'm thankful for my family (as annoying as they are), being given the gift of life (my current issues will be something I will defeat), and of course friends. :)
  10. Writing sounds like it could help a lot. I've never tried it, but I assume when you read back and see your progression over the years it would do wonders for your self esteem. I think I'll give that a go. Thank you all for the kind words too. :)
  11. Well I got out of the house today for a few hours for the first time in a month or two. I just went down to the Job Centre to sign on, but I thought as the weather is so nice. I'll go home, change into something suitable for running in and start up running again. So I did. Exercise and just being outside is a great way I think in feeling better about yourself. It wasn't easy to do, I usually get very anxious and wary (not to mention paranoid) when I'm outside, but I persisted in not letting those issues hold me back. I feel so good for not giving in. I hope to go out tomorrow and take some pictures (weather permitting) of the park where I went for a run in. Its been a while since I've seen it, but nature is beautiful and just the presence of birds, trees, flowers and grass can make all the difference. I understand it's different for everybody, but give it a go when you have a down day. It may do wonders. Usually the things that make me feel good are indoors (music, games and films) but indoors isn't always the best place to be. It's a good day. Anyway, I'm interested in what you do to make yourself feel better, please share.
  12. I have about 3 friends who know and understand what I'm dealing with. I suppose it's unfair to ask the same of everybody in life, since not everybody goes through depression or mental illness. I think to really understand you have to go through it, or study it. I think people are sometimes ignorant though and think that depression is something one can control. They don't realise its an illness or a disease, since most illness and disease are physical, and people don't understand that illness can also be psychological. I've been doing so thinking this afternoon and the following is the conclusion I have come to; I think why I'm as angry and frustrated as I am. Is because I expect way too much of people and expect them to study and read things so they'll understand thus accommodate people with problems like I have. I realise its a selfish thing to ask for too. My outlook on life and my views I think are being distorted by my depression. I think my anger is also a product of this depression, as I've learnt depression is a build up of anger turned inwards, at least it is in my case. Also I know I'm lucky to have friends at all, so I'll try and be more grateful. And to remember that.
  13. I'm an "apocalyptic/post apocalyptic" geek, I've read countless books and seen countless films about end of the world through various scenarios. The general scientific view is that it could happen at any time, any year, any month. There is always a chance of the world or even the universe ending at any point. We know so very little about the universe and the world, that we couldn't possibly predict when accurately enough. The Mayans never actually predicted the world would end in 2012. Their calendar just ended at 2012. This could be due to many reasons. So I understand completely, the world probably won't end next year or maybe not for at least 50 thousand years, it might never end. Who knows. That aside. My opinion of people is extremely low. I can count on one hand where people have done anything nice for me. I'm always trying to fit in, and socialise and nobody will except me. I'm having doubts that the friends I do have are friends at all. Everybody is wrapped up in self image, everybody is indifferent to the problems that plague our world and they wonder why we aren't progressing as a species. There needs to be something to cleanse the gene pool, people will only continue to become more and more stupid. It's only natural, especially since parents are becoming younger and younger. I sometimes feel, my own parents are stupid and should never have given birth to me. I feel I don't belong in this world. I loathe being alive a lot. Its way too stressful. I'm not even sure I am depressed anymore. I just think I just don't like life, the world and the people in it and never will. The same way as some people don't like certain music for example. Maybe life isn't to my tastes, simple as.
  14. I'm not worried about it, but I'm not sure if I should be but I really hope the prophecy that in December, 2012 that the world ends. As much as I know as thats probably completely untrue, and either mistranslated from the Mayan calander or the truth distorted over the years. I wouldn't say I hate the human race or people, but I have a very strong dislike of people. Especially those in my generation. They all get away with so much. They all succeed in life by being over confident idiots. They make me sick.
  15. I tried going out today. I was walking towards the town centre, to have a browse around a few shops and grab a coffee somewhere. When I was overcome with anxiety and paranoia that everybody was looking at me, I then proceeded to go home. I was out for a grand total of 50 minutes. That would have been the first time I've been out properly in like 2 weeks. I did go to the hospital on Tuesday, but I don't count that. lol I'll be going out on Monday morning to sign on at the Job Centre, but no doubt I'll just come straight home afterwards. I really can't handle the outside world or being around people it seems. I've been a recluse for so long, that I'm simply not used to being outside around people. I can't even talk to my Mum, I simply don't have the confidence to have a conversation with anybody. It's all one word answers and I come across as either miserable or obnoxious. My self esteem is completey broken.
  16. Pretty much 99.9% of the time I'd say. I do everything alone at home. I stay in my bedroom mostly, unless we have guests. I eat, watch TV, listen to music, read, play games, use my PC all in my room. The only thing I don't do is go to the toilet in here. lol I rarely go out these days, because I don't have any money and I don't have much motivation to go out and seek work, as much as I want to work. So most of my time is spent indoors, alone.
  17. My head was a mess this morning and reading back on that list, I'm left thinking there are things I can do that I don't even think about or take for-granted. My parents aren't that strict, they never have been. The only reason they took away my bank card is because I got into a lot of debt and I need to pay it off, and so it kind of helps not having that at hand, but it does bug me. My parents are young (42 & 43) and they grew up in extremely strict households, my mothers childhood wasn't particularly happy either and her way of thinking is like "my mother wasn't around when I was your age, I supported myself and you need to learn how to aswell", she's supportive but she doesn't like hearing about my problems and thinks that I bring everything negative in my life on myself (which is probably true to an extent). But no I've not once been told by my mother (sober) I'm loved or any words of support. I never ever got the "You can do anything you want in life" sort of speech. But then again neither did a lot of my friends, some of whom had extremely painful childhoods. The most embarrassing and painful thing that I don't have is employment. I don't take rejection very lightly, so when I'm told im not suitable for a job I tend to go on a downward spiral. I know I will find a job one day, I have to, but its tough remembering that sometimes. I guess.
  18. Thanks for the words of reassurance. I just got back and they seem to think the pains are the result of high anxiety or a sprained muscled, but an 80% probability its the former. So I'm in higher spirits now I know it's nothing to worry about (i.e nothing life threatening), but now I need to go to my GP and tell her everything from my depression to my anxiety to get further help. I wasn't at all as nervous when I got to the reception, and was seen to within 3 minutes and a further 10 minutes being tested. I didn't need a blood test as I had one last year and that would have highlighted any needs for concern then. About meeting my new cousin and step aunt, I know I'll probably more talkative in time. It's a bit harder as they speak little english, but they are nice people and I'm sure they'll try just as hard to understand me. My uncle plays translator, so its not that difficult. I struggle with meeting people for the first time. All will be well in time. :) I just needed to vent this morning, my head was swimming with thoughts. :P
  19. Thanks for the kind words and the advice. I don't know if anybody envies me to the extent I envy other people, in fact I highly doubt it. I mean lets take a look at my life.. I'm single I screwed up a 4 year relationship with the best girl I lost my job of 2 years stacking shelves Ive failed every test I've ever been given (i.e GCSE exams) I'm unemployed and have been for 2 years I live with my parents I give all of my money to my parents (who also have control of my bank card) My parents took my xbox away from me (I'm 22) I lost my flat due to not paying rent (I'm that stupid) I'm talentless Now lets take a typical look at my best friends life.. They have a child He has a job He has money Hes very talented (in music) He seems to be good at everything he touches He has a car He has a good social life He just continues in life and doesn't let life ordeals problem the rest of his life. So yeah. I'm nothing. Pretty much.
  20. Yeah I either laugh or I just don't care at all. The whole ordeal in Libya, for example, I laugh at Gaddaffi but I don't care at all about what's happening. My way of thinking is like "I don't know those people, so why should I care?". I also feel I could **** somebody and not feel anything, in fact I know I wouldn't feel anything. When I say that I'm referring to a combat situation not m*****. I could easily **** somebody in self defence. In fact I'd like to. Just to see how it feels. That's how I think. I feel so disconnected from people, I don't care. However I do care about people that are close to me, so that reassures me I'm not completely insane.
  21. I'm going to to A&E/Emergency Room at my local hospital to get my chest examined later today, it's worrying me too much. I made this plan last night and now I'm pretty nervous/terrified of what the results will be. I know this is illogical. I hope its benign, though I hope to get a chance to tell them I'm depressed. I really need help, I'm struggling a lot lately. I keep comparing myself to others and I haven't been out of the house in weeks. It's not doing me any good. The other stuff. I met my new cousin and my new step aunt on Sunday, that was really good. They're both french though and speak very little English, My uncle is fluent in French so it was good he was there. He only found out he had a daughter a year ago, and obviously he's been getting to know her before letting her meet her English family. She was a great girl, very polite and friendly. :) I just wish I spoke to them more, I didn't say very much. I regret that. Now thats bugging me a lot too, why can't I just accept things and move on? I dwindle in the past way too much.
  22. I have friends and people I speak to online who are all good at something, in an area I'd love to be good in. One friend is currently studying games design at uni one of which has a leading games art department and he gets lectured by some of the gaming industry's top dogs (heads of art within games companies), and I being a huge gamer would love for that opportunity but why not? Well unlike my friend I'm no good at drawing or art, I use and love computers but know nothing about them even though I studied IT at college. Another runs his own internet music label and has a huge fanbase following his musical project and he gets a lot of recognition from indie labels, producers and DJ's, his music is very good. I try to do the same and with not much success. Another friend is in a band they are very awesome and is the most talented producer I have ever had the privilege of meeting. Another friend is a singer is very talented, shes also a very talented writer. Another friend is studying to become a doctor, he knows everything there is to know about anything. He's the most intelligent person I know. So where the hell is mine? I don't get it. I'm smart enough to do all of the above, I know I am. So why can't I? I might as well die. I'm useless and serve no purpose to anybody.
  23. Mate, I can't talk to people either. I don't make eye contact and for the most part I have nothing much to say. However I can be around people and enjoy a social setting by being myself. I don't try to be anything more. That one simple thing has led to me creating lots of good friendships and connections. People appreciate it more if you're just yourself. I think. I just assume that because I can stand try hards and pretentious people at all. These self help books are all pointless in my opinion, they only work for a handful of people and aren't things that all people can use. Since people tend to have different personalities the writers of these books are writing about one type of personality, their own. Or so it seems from the countless I've read. Don't buy into them. They'll only make you feel worse about yourself. Only a few of my friends understand what I'm going through, and it helps having them there. But my best mate I've known for 15 years or so, is so distant its depressing. Hes the one person I wish I could to talk to, its funny that isn't it? I cant talk to him sober about stuff and he never shares either, he keeps a lot to himself and it frustrates me. I don't even know why. I guess we expect people weve had in our lives for so long to share everything with us. Anyway, I rarely go out anymore period. I don't see my friends as much as I'd like and they never ring or bother with me really either, so whatever. I'm better off being left alone and away from society. I don't think there is any need for me to in society. So its all for the best in my case.
  24. I'm not working because I can't get a job, and not without a lack of trying. This is one factor as to why I'm probably depressed (amongst many underlying issues most likely).
  25. A part from a couple of temp jobs, I've been unemployed for the better part of 2 years. I have A level qualifications in IT, but can't use them. I wanted to go to Uni, but that idea never came into fruition, then I wanted to join the Army another idea that went down the pan because I'm a huge pointless failure and a massive disappointment not to just myself, my family and friends but to the entire human race. I can't even get a job in a store, or some low paid menial labour crap. I don't understand it because I know I'm intelligent enough to do something with my life, it's like life doesn't want me in it and is making every step I make to make myself into a semi-decent member of society just completely break away and make me fall down again. I have no motivations, no desire and no will anymore. I hate that people can get jobs with a click of a finger, and then Biotch and moan that they hate their jobs. I hate the fact they have jobs and I don't and I hate the fact I have to stay in my bedroom 24/7 because people annoy me to the extent I wish them harm. I despise life, I despise people and most of all I despise myself. That's what unemployment has done to me.
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