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Doommantia

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Everything posted by Doommantia

  1. I'd say so. I'm quite forthcoming in general though, most people I know, know I have depression though me out right laying my cards on the table. Its better I think to be like that, as you then know who you're real friends are. I hide my feelings, say if I'm really low I'll put on a mask when in public. But I'll talk about my problem, if asked, happily.
  2. No idea. I can't even get near a girl without her friend zoning me instantly. I'm 23, had one girlfriend and that lasted 4 years until she made me eat my own heart and pushed me off a metaphorical bridge into an abyss of pain. So whatever, sod 'em all. I say.
  3. Hi all, been a while since my last visit here. Things haven't been so bad. I landed a part time job in late November of last year, which I'm enjoying. I get to work with the general public and its done a lot of good for me, got some confidence back and learnt that people aren't so bad after all. However, I've still been feeling pretty low. Especially in the past few weeks. I've been doing nothing but comparing myself to other people, especially friends heavily involved in music. I have a few who are, as I see, successful in that industry. I have a friend who now works in a recording studio, and another who has just been signed onto another indie label. I make music, I'm not very good but why? Why is it I can be good at something I really love? The only thing I do these days Is go home and mash my Xbox, I don't even bother to pick my guitar up any more. I shut down my electronic project, nobody cared. If my friend did, everybody would be asking him why. My "music" gets absolutely no attention, so thats pretty much all the proof I need that I'm crap and shouldn't be anywhere near music. I feel so worthless, I'm literally good at nothing I love. All I feel is bitterness, resentment and jealousy of these friends. See, I can't even be a decent friend.I really have no idea how I'll get through life, working a dead end job (dont get me wrong, I'm very grateful I have a job at all) and being good at nothing and having no productive hobbies, just sitting at home crying and self pitying whilst being "owned" by some 12 year old Yank on Battlefield 3. Oh joy. Oh yeah and I'm so pathetic I can't even make a doctor appointment. I've been really wanting to get my GP and sort my head out once and for all, but for the life of me I can't. I don't know what it is, I just find it really hard. I know I have a problem, more than a few actually, I want to change and yet for some reason, I can't. I'm sorry for being a self-pitying *****, I am but.. yeah.
  4. I'm sure many here have, it comes with the territory of depression at the end of the day. Though this just isn't a feeling, its knowing that I am completely useless and I have absolutely no reason to live. I have friends and family sure, but none of them really support me on an emotional level. I have no where to turn with all this in my head, I spout off my stuff on Twitter a lot with a "joky vibe" though its overlooked by all. Not that I'm seeking attention, I just really need somebody to turn and talk to. Its been a while since Ive visited this site, months actually and nothings changed. I had a temporary job for about a month and they didn't wish to keep me on, guess I'm just not very good at shelf stacking like Im not good at anything. Shocking. So now I'm unemployed again, and just seeing no end to it. Ive been unemployed for the better part of 2 years now, I do look and try my best but I get nothing. I'm not that intelligent, I go around thinking I am but its not really the truth of the matter. Im incapable of doing most things. I don't want to die, but at the same time I want this to end and seeing no other alternative.
  5. Thanks, yes. Years back (2006ish) when I first went to my GP about my high anxiety, she put me in CBT. I only went a handful of times and I gave up. Since then I'm obviously gotten worse. I don't understand why Im such a failure.
  6. Thank you for the words of advice. My problem is, is that I'm stuck in my situation until I get a job and nobody wants to employ me. I simply do not see any good in my situation and I feel helpless and hopless. Its frustrating as it is depressing. I don't feel content with life, and I have zero going on in it. I get by, but its painful. More so when I feel alone, and see everybody else getting on with their lives, achieving in life and gaining things I feel I deserve to have also and things I want more than anything such as a job. I am sick of it.
  7. Not sure why I feel like this, but I do. A good friend of mine, with whom I haven't seen or spoken to in a while since he's been busy. Rang me before, and we were just chatting and he mentioned his new job, his new girlfriend and how she's cooking him dinner and how good life is going generally. Now I should be be thinking, "good for him" and "im happy for him" but no. I said that I'm happy for him, but the tone of my voice would say otherwise. Though I do think deep down I am, I must be. Anyway, no what I feel is bitterness and envy. He was more or less in the same place I am in, now (have been for a long long time). So why can't I catch a break? Get a job? A girlfriend? Why can't life just be a little good for me, just for a while? I have no idea what I'm doing wrong or have done wrong to deserve what I have (which is next to nothing). Yeah yeah, count my blessings and all that bull, but unhappiness is unhappiness. I'm not looking for materials or "stuff" I am searching for content and happiness, people who love me for me and generally all round goodness in life, but no I can't have that because I'm not allowed. Something somewhere, possibly the universe despises me.
  8. I think you're right. No idea why I thought otherwise. lol Yes, its quite worrying really. Especially for women, teens etc. As an adult male, I don't feel its much of a problem. Unless I annoyed some insane kid on an online game and he came knocking for me.. *shudders* Nah, the odds of finding me in a city as big as the one I'm in are pretty slim. People really shouldn't put a specific neighbourhood/area as their location, I think thats the best anybody can do. They need to implement a "hide everything from everybody who isn't added" feature. The police in the UK use FB, Myspace and other social networks to track down suspects. Probably why FB won't allow your picture to be hidden. I'm kind of on the fence as to whether thats a good or a bad thing. Now David Cameron is blaming social networks for the recent riots, which is shocking given how much they could be used to keep tabs on people, Big Brother style and thats the kind of style Cameron seems to be going for..
  9. You could always argue; there is always room for improvement. Some people, like you and I, crave to be better and even at the best we can be... we still long to be better. There is simply no pleasing us people. On a serious note, I'm pretty sure you haven't screwed your life up. You've raised a son. That there is a massive achievement if you ask me, you've brought a human being into the world and you've made him into a person. I'm really sorry to hear about your heartaches and issues through life and I sincerely wish you all the best in overcoming them, and I'm sure you will do. Its never too late. I don't have any real advice to give. Sorry. :(
  10. I'm not against seeing a doctor, I'm just scared. I've made appointments in the past to go and I've always cancelled at last minute. I guess I just do not know where to begin or how to "share". Thank you for the advice, I hadn't even thought about self help books though, as I'm sure they help to extent, they won't "cure" me. I'm sure that goes without saying really. I really need to overcome this fear and go and see somebody before I do something terrible to myself, this current phase of self destruction through mind will surely lead to physical self destruction.. I want to avoid that at all costs.
  11. Not mine. My pic isn't visible to "strangers", and neither is any of info. My profile pic is never of me anyway. :P Edit: Sorry, you're correct. Theyve changed it now. So your profile pic is visible now. Though I'm sure you can "hide" it. I'm sure mine used to be "invisible". Been a while since I previewed my profile to be fair. :P But yeah, my profile pic is never of me... I don't know why. I prefer having TV and film characters that I can relate to in some way. I'm very weird. Though yes, they should at least give you the ability to hide your location/hometown and profile picture to strangers. It is indeed quite worrying. I'm pretty sure they used to give you that ability, will have to look into it. Strange.
  12. Twoddle. I get that all the time "go for a walk, it'll make you feel better"... wrong. It makes me feel worse. People with their eyes, looking at you, judging. All I get from going out is violent urges. Which would, ironically, lead to some good exercise.
  13. I use it. I only have people I know in real life, I.e real friends on there. We just post jokes to each other, music, videos and general banter. Its also good for getting groups together for a night out or some other such event. I don't like phone conversations, at all, I always feel uneasy. I'm bad at convo anyway, but its easier when that person is in front of me. Most of my friends understand my depression/problems and so its really not an issue. I don't post much other than links, vids, pics and the like anyway. My profile is on private, which means you need to add me and for me to accept before you can see any of my information, pic etc. So this argument of it being a way of "easy access to personal info" is kinda moot, if you ask me a persons who silly enough to put their phone number and address on the internet for all to see deserve everything they get.. as much as person who doesn't know how to use it does.
  14. I'm back, haven't logged on here in a while. I'm still hanging in, in there. Though lately I've found myself gazing out of window, thinking "I'll never amount to anything" and then, sometimes, bursting into tears getting into bed and staying there for the rest of the day. All week this has been happening. Though I got up at 1am Friday morning and haven't been back to bed since, since then I've finished a new song and tided my room. Feel better, though the thoughts are still there. I turned 23 last Monday, and when I realized I'll be 30 in 7 years I went into a panic (not an attack). I know people younger than myself, who are succeeding in life, doing the things they've always wanted to and achieving their goals. Ive done nothing since I left school at 15. I went to college, messed about, passed the courses but I didn't really enjoy them and know very little, even after passing, about the subjects. Then I went to work in a supermarket, part time, which I lost due to being unhappy and not turning up or turning up late to work, that was 2 years ago. Since then, I've literally done nothing but sit around. I did have a temporary job over Christmas, but thats it. Ive had 4 interviews in those 2 years. I'm reaching the end of the my tether. Even if I did gain employment, it would be a dead end job and I'd still be going nowhere. It doesn't matter anymore. I'm not good at anything, I have too much of a low self esteem. I will never succeed in anything and I will be failure for my entire life. So what point is there? I don't even care for women anymore, I look at them and say "shes pretty, but she could never be with me... and I would not want to burden another girl with my failings" and, due to an operation many years ago, I have a very slim chance of having children. My parents just think I'm lazy and weak, I probably am. They don't believe in depression. They're idiots. I truly hate them and that's another thing, I carry with me so much hate and anger. I may as well die. For the record: No I haven't seeked help. No I'm not on medication. So I don't really know what my deal is. I'm just unhappy, all the time. I want to be a good human being and do something with my life, that's what I do know and I also realise I'm highly incapable of doing so. I lack all the skills necessary to succeed. I don't want to go down that road of in and out of therapy, various medication cocktails etc etc. I know I probably need to speak to somebody, but I'm kinda scared.
  15. Been a while since I logged on here, still having good and "down days". Mostly the latter. Today is a down day. I have it in my head I have lung cancer, because I keep coughing up phlem. No blood and it isnt a persistent cough, I bet its just hayfever related but no, my mind doesn't want to believe that. I'll see if its still there in a couple weeks and then go to my GP, it only started on thursday. It's just worrying me as all. I'm still unemployed, trying a bit harder to look for work on days I feel motivated. I hate having no money to do anything and having no life. My friends are all better than me and that depresses me too. They're all progressing in life and either finding good jobs or being promoted in current jobs. I'll never have that, I'll be at the bottom of the bucket for the rest of my life. One of my friends posted on his FB last night that he needed some company today, so I messaged him to get in touch today if he wants to. No reply. He's been on facebook since too. I don't really think anybody wants to be around me. Nobody ever invites me out anywhere and every attempt I make to arrange anything is just always shot down. I'm just so lonely. I have been thinking about suicide a lot more lately, I dont think I'm going to do it. I've just been thinking about ways I could do it and its consequences. I've drawn the conclusion nobody would really miss me. I've given nothing to this world and its given me nothing but rubbish since day 1. Its getting to the point now, Im just really tired. Nothing good ever happens to me, that might sound like an exaggeration but its true. Its just getting worse, more and more bad things are coming my way each day, new worries and nothing is looking up. The only thing that brings me any happiness is playing with my cat. I've also gained the view somehow, that I don't hope for a good world for anybody. I hate people who progress in life and It brings me pleasure when something goes wrong in somebodys life. So bitter, I despise that about myself. Lonely. Miserable. Bitter. Envious. Nervous. Sadistic. Sad. Angry. Worried. No self esteem. A true loser. I'm giving up today. Going to bed. That's what I do when it gets tough, give up and curl up like a baby. I really do find life too hard. I realise people out there have much harder lives, but ive grown up in a demanding society and no real reasons to try hard at life. I've ruined my life and there is no way I can get back on track. I'm an intelligent person and I had dreams of going to uni and getting a good job, thats gone. I just ruin every opportunity Im given and obviously I'm too stupid. Sooner Im gone the better. I'm a waste of skin. I really do not like reading "positive stories" here or elsewhere of peoples lives improving. It makes me feel more of a failure, insecure and disconnected from human beings in general. I dont feel I can relate to anybody anymore. Everybody keeps getting better and better, and I'm left behind. I want to progress, but I can't. Nobody will hire me for a job and that is MY key to start getting out of this hole I'm in, but they won't. My CV and myself lack the charisma every employer looks for. The only people that get far in life are Ar**holes. Its unfair and I feel they're vile human beings undeserving of skin and the ability to breathe oxygen. Decent down to earth people don't get anywhere. Sick of it.
  16. I would like to think not. I don't think anybody should have the burden/curse of being in the same gene pool as me. I feel very sorry for those that are and have to put up with my existance.
  17. One of my best mates, if not the best, has receieved word a track he made is being released on Ministry of Sounds next Dubstep compilation album, I feel I should be happy for him as this is quite a big thing. Yet I'm not. The first thing I did when I saw his news was roll my eyes. I don't understand why I can't get noticed like that. Maybe I'm not as good. I just don't understand it. It's just more examples of why everybody is better than me, and I really cannot stand it. I want to be good at something I enjoy and get some recognition. I enjoy making music, but nobody seems to like it. It makes me sick when I see friends getting more recognition than me, especially since I started first. Is this childish and wrong thinking? I'm so bitter and envious of everybody. I'm sick of it.
  18. Yes. Pretty much. I'm talentless, unemployed, under skilled and will amount to nothing. I'm too much of a coward to k*ll myself, if I could I would. I was a mistake and I'm blantely not made for this world. Life is too hard and its full of morons I wish were dead. I'm always full of rage, bitterness, envy, jealousy and sadness. I can't be happy for anybody who's got further than I have. I feel they don't deserve it if I don't. I hate the way I am. So yes.
  19. Trace - No I haven't rescheduled and very reluctant to do so, I have no idea why. I was so motivated about seeing her and make some steps to "getting better" and then al of a sudden when it comes down to it, I just can't. I'm so sick of comparing myself to other so much. I see people going out on day trips, going to work, having fun. I have nothing and nobody. Its getting too much.
  20. Sometimes I'll dream about my ex-girlfriend. We broke up two years ago and we were together for four years. I'm still not over her, blatently. After a dream thats been about or featured her, I tend to wake up very sad.
  21. Missed my doctors appointment because I couldn't sleep last night, and I was in bed all day. The third time that's happened now. Angry.
  22. I'm glad you're making steps and wish you the best of luck. I'm seeing my GP tomorrow and I don't know how to begin talking about my issues, does anybody have any advice for getting the ball rolling?
  23. Thank you Yomega and Lindahurt for your kind words and advice. I do love the people in my life, and I do treat my friends with respect and I actually look up to most of them. I do respect my family, but I don't think my attitude is "right". I do come across as lazy and miserable at home, and my mum remarks on this quite a lot. My attitude can also come across as disrespectful even though I'm really not trying to be and don't want to be. I agree that loving yourself (to an extent) is very important to do for progressing in life. I've witnessed people (friends) who have general good outlooks on life and take pride in themselves as people (and image wise) get pretty far (as far as 22 years olds can go, i.e obtaining a degree or working up the ladder within a company). I on the other hand have pretty much nothing to show for myself, so far at least. No job, no dreams or aspirations and zero motivation. So yes, of course I really want to learn how to love myself and see life in another light. But I can't. Not yet at any rate, and I hope my GP will point me in the right direction.
  24. From now on, this will be where I'll let loose all my problems. I don't want to make a new thread for every thought and issue I have as I understand there are people going through much worse than I am on here and I don't want to "clog up" the forum, so I'll just add my vents in here. Anyway onto business. I feel somewhat happier, I'm making steps to find a job and had words with a careers advisor on Monday and she helped a lot and pointed me in the right direction I think. I feel better for it. However I got really down this afternoon because of some really trivial matters. Like I don't have a good enough PC or a console to play all the new game releases and for some reason this depresses me, as pathetic as it may sound. Also one of my best friends birthday is today and on Saturday he's arranged for a night out and me being unemployed and have parents who control every bit of my finances and therefore I need to ask for money am unsure and doubt I can attend. I'm pretty much sick of having no money at all and whilst I understand it isnt everything there is to life and doesn't buy happiness, its important to have nontheless. That's just the way it is. I really really want a job and I'm panicking that I won't find one soon, which is a strong possibility. I'm sick of having no life and responsibilities. I look down on myself. I know I can be better, but no. I make myself sick to be quite honest. Vent over.
  25. I'm passionate about games and music. Yet I know so little about the mechanics of either. I do have two hobby music projects, but I don't feel I'm very good or talented and I have no clue on the theory or production and engineering. Realistically I know I could never persue them and make a living from them. So yeah, basically all thats waiting for me is a dead end job mopping up after successful suited snivelling pigs who bullied their way through school and got everything handed to them on a plate. This is the world we're supposed to love? What am I missing? I am pretty sick of feeling this way and posting my woe is me stuff on here all the time. But its the only place I can air my thoughts without judgement and being called a selfish, emo *****. Which is what I feel like.
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