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Everything posted by Doommantia

  1. Yesterday was something else. A lad came onto the station I as working in, in a serious distressed state. and wasnt responsive at all. He went and slept in the waiting room for a couple of minutes and I left him to it thinking initially he was on drugs or was drunk as he was staggering. Went outside for a smoke, came back in and the woman inside the office came bursting out and asked me to give her assistance with a lad on the platform... sure enough there he was on the edge of the platform completely ignoring our requests to take a step back and he then began sobbing and screaming. Knew exactly what was about to happen, and what he was intending to do. Thus I stood behind him, whilst the office lady tried to calm him down. He then proceeded to put his legs down onto the tracks, as he heard a train coming in and we basically had to try and drag him away. However he had a hell of a tight grip on the platform edge and he was strong as hell. We simply couldnt get him away. Luckily a policeman came running down the platform and restrained him, cuffed him and got him off the station. The policeman was only there because this guys mother rang them, as he went into her work in this state and he had tried it before. It was a matter of chance the policeman was at the station. He had only been released by the local hospitals psych ward in the morning. The guy was that strong he could have easily pulled us both into the tracks. Doesnt really bare worth thinking about really, had he got onto the tracks. The signalman did request from his control that he stopped all trains but they wouldnt allow it, the guy did anyway. What a hero. Had to file a report on the incident this morning, after I had gone I straight out from work last night and got heavily drunk. My bosses are inept, with the way they responded aswell. Absolute no support from them at all. I rang them straight after the incident had happened and all they said was "it happens, just come in tomorrow and do a report". What really screwed me up was that it proved my theory that a lot of people are just absolute b**rds, there was a platform full of passengers facing the one we were on at the time. A lot of able bodied guys and not one even so much as offered to help. Hell, I was told before I got the job not to tackle people with serious mental problems and that if we see somebody on the verge of ******* themselves to report it to the police and to not get involved and let the police handle it. So really, I could have just stood there and let it happen like 90% of other b***rds would have done, but I didnt. Not to claim that Im some kind of "hero" or that I deserve a medal, I didnt think about what I was doing and just did it. Hope the guy isnt let out (he will be), he needs help. I cant stop dwelling on it, how it will effect me. (How selfish is that?) and how it may effect my job. I feel sorry the guy obviously, and I really do hope he gets the help he needs. But the sad thing is a lot of them dont and are discharged. I've never witnessed a suicide on the railway (or at all) but it happens way more frequently than you may imagine. At least 2 a month and thats just in my area. I didnt know how to deal with it or what to really do, I felt helpless in all honesty. I just wish I could have prevented it getting as far as it did, I should have spotted his distress when he initially entered the station.
  2. I genuinely don't think I have any close friends anymore. I thought I did, but its clear to me that I do not. Nobody truly cares about me enough to post a happy birthday message on Facebook, invite me out to social occasions, or include me in anything really. I always have to invite myself to social occasions or be the one to try and include myself. A "friend" of mine, who always thought was one of my best. Posted that she can't wait to get back from her trip to see "the gang", she mentions everybody in our social circle but me. I have one friend who doesnt use Facebook and yet he manages to be included in all social events, people care about him more than me and I dont understand why that is. This day is going bad to worse.
  3. Very sorry to hear that you're currently having these feelings and what you're going through. I have no real words of advice or wisdom, but I just want to let you know you're most certainly are not alone with these thoughts/feelings. I wish you the best the luck and I'm sure you do have a future ahead of you. Just keep working hard and I guess try not to focus too much on what other people are doing.
  4. Thanks for your kind words, both of you. :) I need to learn how to enjoy time by myself, I always feel lonely and struggle to enjoy going out anywhere on my own. All do in my spare time is play video games, watch films and surf the net. Dont really do anything constructive/productive, except play guitar and write music but then I always feel I'm not good enough and continuously compare myself to other people usually friends who also write and produce their own music. I'll usually only go out to socialise once-twice a month, and its always when only its a party or a night out. There always needs to be alcohol with me. I dont know why this is. I dont drink at home or on my own. Only on these social occasions. Then again its the same with most of my friends too, we never really do anything worth remembering.
  5. Just another self-pity vent thread. I apologise but I really need to get this off my chest, and hopefully start a dialogue with somebody. I just need someone I can talk to about this stuff, I guess. I dont know what hsa triggered these feelings, I'm currently having this time. I'm not always "low", I can have days or even weeks of being semi-happy (never content but just... getting by. If you understand?), then I can have days, weeks, months or seeing nothing but darkness, feeling nothing but sorrow, guilt and worthlessness. I've been working pretty much nonstop for a couple of weeks, and havent really had time to think about myself at all. I came home yesterday, fired up Facebook and saw that everybody are doing awesome things and making awesome plans for Summer. Some of them can out on their own and go hillwalking, or cycling or even travelling around Europe. Some of them are great at things I wish I was, a lot of my friends are in bands and thus are touring or recording and generally having the time of their lives with their music. I feel nothing but bitterness and resentment that these people can have good lives, and I cannot. I'm incaple of learning anything new, I'm incapable of being decent at anything and I'm incapable of living life and doing things on my own. The only time I ever go out, is either to work or out to socialise (and only when theres alchohol involved). I am quite frankly, good for nothing.
  6. Thanks. Sorry I was a little bit vague as to what I was asking advice about. I was extremely tired when I posted this. Thank you very much, I should probably confront him about it. Though really I'm probably once again over reacting. We're getting older now, he has more responsibilities than I do and Ive always struggled to come to terms with change. He has very little time on his hands and I suppose its unfair of me (and selfish) to want to see/speak with him more regularly, like we used to. I still the mentality I had when I was 17 (I'm now 23) and everybody else are growing up, and moving on/bettering their lives and I feel left behind. I think these feelings are really whats bothering me, as opposed to being bothered about missing one night out due to probable lack of communication/forgetfulness on my friends part, we're all guilty of doing that at some point in our lives. I will confront him about it. He's never been one to organise things, communicate to others how he's feeling or anything like that. To be fair.
  7. Oops, pressed post too soon. I was going to add more to that lol Yes, basically why am I feeling this way and should I confront him about it?
  8. Hi there, I met up with some friends on Saturday night and I learnt it was a mates birthday night the night before (Friday). I never got an invitation but apparently one of my friends was supposed to tell me about it, friend in question didn't. This friend, has been a friend for almost 15 years and I'm not sure why he didnt tell me about it. I havent seen him in a while either and I have it in my head that hes avoiding me for some reason, and I dont know why. Its really been bringing down lately, I'm forever comparing myself to him and his life. Maybes he knows that, somehow? I dont know
  9. Sorry to hear about your current issues. I can relate a lot to how you're feeling. I'm forever comparing myself to other people, and yes seeing people posting pictures on Facebook and status updates highlighting how great their lives are do not help much. Its easy to become embittered, when you feel like you're worthless. I assure you however, you are not. You are a person capable of doing anything anybody else is capable of doing, the problem lies in having depressive thoughts and a negative attitude. Its not easy to overcome these set-backs (because thats all they are, temporary problems that can be solved) but you are highly capable. Please remember this. :) These people on facebook, probably exaggerate their lives or only tell the world about the good stuff whilst keeping their problems to themselves. I have friends who post only positive things, but I know theyve had or are going through hard times. Its just that their mindset is one of which that doesn't allow them to dwell on the bad things and overcome whatever their issues maybe. We're all "wired" differently, its just that out mind is wired to only but dwell on the negative aspects of life. It can be remedied! I wish you all the best. :)
  10. I don't just game, i also play guitar, listen to and attempt to make music. I read a lot and watch a lot of films too. Its just that everything I do is indoors, cooped up in my bedroom. I communicate with my family very little to the point now I can't at all talk to them about anything, especially in regards to my feelings and depressive thoughts. I do like to socialise, but rarely. Since a lot of my mates actually have lives to tend to, unlike myself. I don't really like going out on my own, I feel out of place and like I'm being judged by everybody. Which probably isn't true, since when I see a person on the street I dont think about them at all... so I guess thats what most people do. I can't convince myself of that though. lol :\ I dont know of any of these "exciting things" in life, nothing really out there floats my boat. I loathe sports, and I can't go out to a gym or anything with how low my self esteem is. I have no backbone whatsoever. Travelling costs money, everything costs money. Since I only work part time, I can afford to do very little at the moment at any rate.
  11. Going through having these feelings again, but they're much worse than before. A friend of mine has declared he's getting married at Disneyworld this year, and whilst I said "congratulations", I went home and sobbed about the fact my life could never be as good as his. This seems to be a pattern, something good happens to any of my friends and whilst I don't show my envy or bitterness, I think deep down I hope they fail and everything goes wrong for them. It feels horrible that I can't be happy for anybody, not really. I am selfish and wish I wasn't. I really cannot help it. Pretty sure the sooner I die, the better. To be honest. No way could I stand living like this for another 10-15 years.
  12. Game, play guitar, watch films/TV shows, listen to music and try to make music.
  13. Higher self esteem/confidence, some contentment/happiness, to be able to see the world and life in a positive light.
  14. Sorry to hear about your grandfather, its tough losing any family member but grandparents are especially important people (to me anyway). It sounds like he lived a great, fulfilling life. You should do anything in life that brings you happiness, I'm sure thats what your grandfather would want for you. :) I lost my grandad too in April of this year, it was pretty sudden too. Its been tough, but all you can do really is push on through (whilst never forgetting them) as I think its the best way to show your respect to lost loved ones, just living life to the best you can. Its easier said than done of course, especially with having depression, anxiety or any number of mental illness. 24 and building a business? That can't be easy, especially in this economic climate but I think you shouldn't give up on it. Especially not if its a dream of yours. I'm a bit younger than yourself (23, 24 in August) and I have no clue of how to start up a business (or anything else for that matter). I wish you the best of luck with it, if you decide to carry on with it. I hope you do!
  15. Or maybe it should be 'Live life on my own?' Here in the UK we're getting a heatwave, and so I texted a few friends after I finished work this morning to see if they wanted to do anything. One reply, but he's in London seeing his girlfriend, I know one is working and seeing his child during the day so he won't be able to and another works silly hours, so he probably can't either. I'm left thinking, why can't I have a life like these? Busy, fulfilling lives. Living lives for themselves. I struggle to go out into the world on my own and find my own things to do (on my own!), I always feel uneasy and paranoid that people are judging me. I always need to be around friends when/if I choose to go out for a day (I don't use them I'm not like that I genuinely love these people in my life, but I think you know what I'm getting at). Like I need to have my hands held through life, or something. My average day consists of 6 hours of work (5am-11am) then I come home and doss about in my home. Playing xbox, guitar, surfing the net (obvs), and generally being an unproductive person. I enjoy my hobbies, don't get me wrong, but I'd like to have some confidence to go outside alone and do an entire day doing something on my own (outside in the sun!) and get a life. Oh and I'm always looking for, not attention per se, but acceptance in life. My "music" for example, if It gets no comments/listens or whatever I'd conclude that the song is rubbish and I'm rubbish (which they/I am but you know... its a "wrong" way of thinking). This wanting acceptance from people (mostly only certain people) could be connected to the "can't-do-life-alone woe"?
  16. ^ Very true. My own dad was pretty useless and my step-dad pretty much raised me as one his own. It takes a very special kind of person to be able to do that though. I don't want any kids, or even a relationship, at the moment. I'm just worried when I hit my late 30's I will do, I can see it being a hard time. Especially if I meet a woman whom I love, and she wants kids and we can't and the relationship fails and go back to how I am now. See? This is how weird my mind is. I think too far ahead into the future and make up these hypothetical scenarios that worry me sick. lol
  17. I'll cut to the chase. The likelihood of me being able to procreate is minimal. I had testicular issues as a child, which forced to have one of them remove (I have a prosthetic in place). This was years ago, and I never really thought about it to the extent I have lately, its something thats never really bothered me. I woke up one night and thought "I'll never be able to have kids" and "no women could a love a man unable to have kids" and it drove me to tears and a panic attack. Ive never brought it up in therapy and the only people who know about it are my parents, I struggle to talk about something like this with anyone (its easy on the internet, as theres a level of anonymity).I don't know what to do, I guess getting it off my chest with a professional is probably the best course of action but how can I live knowing I'll never be able to bring a life into the world? Life seems so pointless.
  18. I can relate. I'm 23 and whilst I'm fairly intelligent (though I sometimes question this), I'm probably going to amount to nothing. I work part time at the moment in a dead end job, I have hobbies but I dont feel I'm very good at anything I enjoy and I'm seeing friends making something of themselves and progressing in life. 23 years and nothing to show for it, what a waste of skin.
  19. Hi Darkvoid. I can relate a lot to how you feel. I'm not much older than yourself, I'm 23, and Ive had nothing but crappy jobs since I left college. I think my problem is lack of direction or knowing what exactly what I want from life, maybe this is what it is for you too? I keep having to remind myself 23 is a fairly young age, and we have our entire lives ahead of us and plenty of time to explore life and its many possiblities. Welcome to the forums too! Peace.
  20. Its great you're in a good mood and of course you deserve it. Everybody deserves to feel good! I understand what you mean though, the world is a dark place and there are people suffering everywhere but this doesn't mean you have to as well. The way I see it is, there are so many nasty, horrible people in the world who love that they can and are making people miserable, some even benefit from it. So why give them the satisfaction? Why let them win?
  21. Oh yeah and I LOVE Tool and Meshuggah! :P Might sound weird to some, but dark/depressive/moody, music makes me feel better. I generally can't listen to upbeat music, dance music for example. Just doesn't appeal to me whatsoever.
  22. Most definitely, at least for me. Without music I'd be completely lost. I listen to a lot of experimental sorts, psychedelic and progressive forms of rock and metal. I also love traditional forms of both of course. But with progressive rock/metal for example, I like the laid back almost psychedelic feel of the music and some bands incorporate a lot of heaviness (both emotionally and musically) that really appeals to me. A lot of what I listen to is dark in nature, again both emotionally and musically so most of the time I can relate to the music a lot. Its means something to me and my favourite bands really do help me get through tough times with their music. I also like ambient and stripped down electronic forms too, really great music to listen to when relaxing in the garden with a cold one staring up at the sky. :) Music means so much to me.
  23. Being a "loner" (I don't like that term) comes with a great stigma. Its drilled it to people via media; tv, films, magazines, books etc. from an early age to be surrounded by people and to be popular and to be liked. I think humans are naturally social creatures too, so peoples mindsets are probably naturally "tuned into" the mindset of "he's a loner, must be one of those weirdos, herpderp...". Some people however, naturally prefer being alone and are truely happy within themselves. I think if you worry or even care what others think of your life choice, then you aren't truely happy and the same can be said for people who are nasty to others, and continuously criticise others for the way they live their lives. I hate being alone, I'm probably alone for 90% of the day after I finish work. Every day. I have friends, but they're busy with their own lives. I wouldn't mind a phone call or even a text now and again asking how am I, but I don't get that. I guess my mates are typical males. lol However I have a lot to take my mind off the fact, I create music and its really a great release from all the negative emotions flowing through me. I can't recommend enough in looking for a hobby in which you get a release, it could be absolutely anything. Not everything works for everybody, but there is at least something for somebody. Good luck and I wish you much peace. :)
  24. I understand how you feel, I've never really had a party or a night out for a birthday. Not even my 18th or 21st (which like in the US is a big deal over here, don't really understand why). I have a circle of really good friends, but I fear organising something and people will never turn up. I once almost organised a night out for my 20th, set up a Facebook event and about 5 hours later saw nobody accepted their invites so closed it and had a bit of a breakdown, closed my account down and fell out of contact with people (including best mates) for about a month. I ignored their phone calls, texts and emails. That was a bad time, I never really get that many birthday wishes on Facebook; I get that some people don't go on FB every day, some people are lazy, the list of reasons goes on. I wouldn't get upset that much about it, its just Facebook. I'm pretty sure in real life you will plenty. Its rich coming from me, but try not to compare yourself to others. Especially people close to you, it can turn you bitter and can ruin relationships. Oh and Happy birthday! I hope you have a great day! :)
  25. Thanks for the kind words of advice. :) I do get involved in real life, as much as I possibly can at least. I have no other hobbies other than gaming and listening to/writing music, its all I enjoy doing. I don't care what my score in ten years will be, as I generally dont look that far into the future. I think its unhealthy. I prefer to take each day as it comes, its easier said than done. After having some sleep, thinking it through and talking it out with a very good friend. Ive pretty much concluded that I shouldn't live life just to prove anything to anybody, or to be more successful over anybody else. I just wish I was good at music, had a better understanding of theory and could write songs to a higher standard. This stuff I can learn, had I the motivation. I know what I want from life, its finding the skillset within myself to achieve that. Thats my real problem, I think. Anyway, Ive started socialising more with them and generally making more effort with them. I used to rely on other people too much to make all the effort (reason why I split from my gf) and for happiness, I still do to an extent.
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