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Doommantia

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Everything posted by Doommantia

  1. I mean their ignorant of how they make me feel when they dont invite me somewhere. I dont they purposely do it and I dont think they have a clue about how I feel. They all have actual lives. Im jealous of them as a matter of fact. I feel very needy. Like I need people to fill the hole in my life. Its unhealthy. Ive always had a tendency to rely on others for support and happiness. Its what pushrd my ex away I dont have a family not really. They dont support me or give me words of encouragment. Nothing. I have absolutely nobody and its ******* me. Ill never be happy.
  2. Sorry to hear you guys are or have been in the same situation. Its horrible. These people ive known for many years but I dont feel close to them at all. We have good times and have deep conversations when we do get together and they seem pretty ignorant of the fact they dont pull their weight in this friendship. Never once have I got a call from these friends to see how im doin then again ive never done that either but only because others dont with me. Why should I be the one to initate contact?
  3. Im too tired to make a longwinded post. I just need to vent somewhere where. My "friends" have gone away for the weekend for ones birthday. Was I invited? No. This isnt the first time theyve not bothered about me and anytime I make effort to make plans it always falls through, people are too busy or too poor or too tired to hang out with me. So I wont bother anymore. Im done. Ive deactivated my Facebook, not like anybody will notice. Facebook brings me down anyway its all just people bragging and rubbing their oh so great lives in my face. I hate being alone, im alone the majority of the time. I hate life. I hate people. I hate myself.
  4. I've been there, finding a job in this country in this economy is not easy. The job I have now is not something I wanted to do and nothing thats relevant to the qualifications I have, its just a job. My advice would be, don't be picky. Not insinuating you are, but its advice I think is important these days and to keep in mind. It can feel very hopeless, but trust me. Something always comes along. All the best.
  5. It doesn't sound to me as if you're lazy. I'm of the opinion if you desperately want to try harder at anything, you cannot be lazy. Maybe you just suffer from motivation problems, which is pretty common symptom of depression.
  6. Oh indeed, I do recognise I have a problem. I've been a very angry person for as long as I can remember. I want to talk with somebody about it but I'm always very anxious and cancel at last minute. I did go to a counsellor in 2006 but I just stopped going as I felt too nervous everytime I went, to the point I was physically sick.
  7. I apologise for my response in this thread. Though I still stand by my statement, being popular is not important in life. I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are and I do wish you the best in overcoming it.
  8. Lets get this one thing straight, being popular is not important. Get over that right now, and grow up.
  9. For a while now, I've been having angry thoughts and random outbursts over little things mostly. A woman barged into me in the street the other day, I snapped. She was very apologetic and looked upset. I even forgot it happened until a few days ago, when I started feeling really guilty about it. Today my Xbox decided to break, so naturally rage overcame my senses, i broke down in tears and smashed my fist into a wall. I spent the rest of the day in bed feeling sorry for myself. My sister comes home with her boyfriend, and all I can hear outside my bedroom window is giggling and nonsensical bullcrap coming out of their mouths, if that wasnt enough to annoy me she forgot her house keys. I hid under my bedsheets and tried to sleep, and ignore the knocking. Then I manage to drag myself and open the door, but I flew into a complete rage. I've always been a pretty angry person, but not this bad. I do remember one really bad incident though from a few years ago, me and my ex went into a Burger King and there was a huge queue, i got my order taken and I let this family get theirs. My order came up and the woman wouldnt move, so I could get past so I got mad and started yelling and their two kids started crying. At that moment I realised I had a problem. This was a few years ago. I feel guilty all the time about these incidents, and obviously very guilty about flying off the handle with my sister a minute ago. I dont think I control it, it just bursts out. I dont even feel it, its all very sudden a lot of the time. I do have violent thoughts, fantasies if you will, I know I'd never get violent least I never have done, but sometimes the idea of harming somebody does seem appealing. Which to me is worrying.
  10. I love storms. I sometimes open my window a little bit so I can hear the rain, and I put some epic music on and just sit there staring into the sky. Its so therapeutic to me.
  11. Really struggling with this fear and anxiety the past few days. As much as I try to remind myself I have a long time left, it doesnt matter... i'll still die. i'm so afraid. its eating me up.
  12. Usually at night, or when I'm extremely tired. Getting out of bed is pretty hard for me too, but when I'm out and at work I'm okay... usually.
  13. Oh god yes, but I think its down to my depression rather than my age. But yeah, I'm 25 in 7 months and I feel exactly like you described. I have no advice really, but I'm just letting you know you're most definitely not alone. :) I wish you all the best, in any case and hope you manage to control these thoughts. They're certainly not nice thoughts and I wouldnt wish even my worst enemy to have to think them.
  14. I think people have the best intentions, but they are so ignorant to mental health that they think there is an easy to fix since its not physical and they cant see the problem. My parents are just like this, saying things such as "chin up, least youre not in Africa starving" like thats supposed to make me feel better. If anything thinking of people worse off than myself makes me feel worse, that and comparing problems between two people in totally different cultures and worlds so to speak just doesnt make any sense. Their problems are completely different to any problem a person in a developed country would have, problems are relative. I dislike people a lot that say these phrases and have the attitude I just described, but I try to accept that they have the best intentions at heart. Even if they don't, I feel its better for me to think that than get angry.
  15. Thanks for all your responses and sharing your experiences with this issue. I think Physicist1985 hit the nail on the head with his analogy, thats exactly how I feel, trapped. I'm sure my fear will subside with time as I get older, I'm only 24 and shouldn't be thinking about the end of my life at what is essentially the start of my life. Though I still get these episodes of anxiety and fear.
  16. I can relate. I work a part time job in the morning, then I go home and either sleep, watch films/tv or play video games the entire day. I've done this every single day since I started in November 2011. I really long to go out and explore the world, but I lack that kind of confidence and motivation. It hurts.
  17. Hi, . I currently live in Stockport. I'm always keen on meeting new people. :)
  18. Im sorry you feel this way, I don't know what to say because I feel like this 90% of the time aswell. Just letting you know you're not alone.
  19. I don't there is such a thing as "normal", everybody has different interests. I don't find it particularly "sick" or "weird" that you're interested in famous deaths, it is an interesting subject for whatever reason. I too like to read about how famous people died and their final days, I think the most fascinating is Kurt Cobains final few days and death. I feel I can relate to that guy and his music, maybe thats why.
  20. I know most people, personally (as in I'm friends offline with them or have met in real life offline), and I wouldn't say any of them are fakers or try to hide their true feelings. They're mostly happy people. Thats cool. I don't like though seeing post upon post about their travels, their great jobs, anything about girlfriends or wives or children. if I see a friend post any of their music I won't "like it", I'll ignore it and sneer at it. I'm an extremely bitter person, I know I am. I just can't help myself. It all makes feel very down when I realise my life is a mess and I reckon its beyond repair at this point. The ship where I could actually be happy as sailed as far as I'm concerned. I also hide a lot of friends from my timeline because they make feel so bad about myself, just from them leading good lives. I don't even know why I bother using it.
  21. I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this, if not I apologise to the admins. Though my thinking of death/dying and the fear caused from these thoughts seem to go hand in hand with depression. Anyway lately I've been thinking a lot, (well not really thinking the thoughts just come into my head and then I dwell on them) about dying. As in, I think about my own mortality and the fact that one day I will cease to exist. Which leads to an overwhelming sense of fear. I usually break out into a sweat, start crying and shaking, sometimes feel nausatious too. This can happen at any time, I was eating my dinner with my family tonight and it happened. I just froze and blanked everybody out, and just stared at my plate as these thoughts took control. Its getting worse. I've been plagued with this for many years. I remember exactly when and what I was doing the day I realised that I was one day to die. I was 9 years old and playing a video game with my dad. I think it was around that time, I became extremely discontent with life and who I am. Maybe that came a couple years later. I've also been having feelings of self loathing and that I'm a complete failure and worthless a lot lately too. More than usual anyway. In fact I'm convinced that I am all three. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, for an unrelated problem but maybe I should bring this up too. Does anybody else have these episodes of overwhelming fear and if so how do you cope/deal with it?
  22. Thanks everybody for the kind words and words of advice. Of course I'm not going to continue dwelling on this particular crush, its her in particular Im upset about its the fact that every time I put some effort into life I'm knocked down every time. Its like Its meant to be that i'm unhappy & alone for life. Obviously I don't wish to have a girlfriend for the sake of making myself happy. Thats selfish and its what drove the last relationship into the ground. I also don't wish to burden another soul with my problems. I know that I need to work on myself, and learn to love (or at least like) myself first. I just feel like that will never happen. I also know I'm lucky to have friends and a family. I feel greedy and sick that crave more.
  23. Hi, i'm prone to bouts of depression and I fear rejection as it usually triggers off "depressive episodes", so as you can imagine this latest misadventure concerning a lady has really knocked me down. I haven't felt this way about a woman in a long time, my ex whom I broke up with (actually she broke up with me, but thats neither here nor there now) 4 years ago was the last and only girl I've felt strong feelings for. The problem is shes a mates sister, and its weird to me as I only met her once last week and we really got along. Ive been racking my head for the past week about asking her out, so I contacted my mate (her brother) about asking her out to see if it was OK with him as weird as the situation must have been for him. Turn out she has a boyfriend. Yeah. Whats most depressing for me, is that shes probably the most special girl Ive talked with in a long time and the first Ive ever actually made steps to ask on a date since my first and only girlfriend. Obviously Im going to leave it at that, Im not going to make a big deal out of it, this happens in life. But what now? Wait around for somebody like her or better to come along only for the same thing to happen? I've also probably ruined my relationship with that particular friend aswell, though I hope not. I'm such an *****.
  24. Definitely go and see your family doctor (GP). They can always advise you on the best course of action you may need to take. You've made a giant step by simply admitting you have an issue, and you should be proud of this achievement. Its not easy to admit, especially to strangers. You're most certainly not alone, I for one can so relate to how you feel all too well. So please dont feel afraid to vent your feelings/emotions on here. This forum is great, everybody is here for each other. :) I know all to well from personal experience, that merely getting that motivation to see a doctor seems almost impossible. However nothing is, and once you do you will feel like a giant weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Its a great feeling and its a step you must take if you feel you're suffering from any mental illness. Depression isnt a disease worth living with alone, and without help. I really do wish you the best of the luck, and hope you find the tools you need and welcome. :)
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