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Everything posted by Doommantia

  1. Managed to finally get around to listening to a lot of new music Ive had on the back burner for a while. Managed to also wake up at a reasonable enough time this morning for me to be at work on time, for once.
  2. I too am plagued with thoughts about death, dying and not existing anymore. I have had a panic attack over it once, it got that severe. Last year it got really bad, and lasted every month but eventually, whilst the thoughts are still there, I've got used to them so to speak. I think these thoughts go hand in hand with depression, and other depression orientated illnesses. They could stem from other underlying issues you may have, for me its underachieving, having no future and no talents or skills. I think because I have nothing in life, all I focus on is the end.
  3. I have friends that like to pretend they understand, and its good they make the effort but they dont understand. Its not friends I worry about, its my future. I dont want to spend it alone and I know with the way I am I will be. I'm able to make new friendships and maintain them, but intimate relationships is where I fail. I dont know how the hell to even approach a woman let alone talk to her and I know if I was to gain a relationship it would fail within months, maybe even weeks due to.. well due to me being me. I also dont want to use somebody else to make me happy, I want to be happy within myself before I commit myself to somebody else. Which I never will be.
  4. Trust nobody. Expect disappointment and then you never will be disappointed when it turns out they are users and abusers.
  5. This might sound horrific, but I feel like I do understand why some people commit mass m*****. Society, "western society" anyway is a vile, harsh and cruel place. People laugh at those that are different to them in some manner, people take & take from those they deem weaker than them and the only way for a person to survive the cruel, harsh place that is society is to become one of "them", the bullies, the selfish. Some people dont survive, they snap and they inflict the pain they have felt upon others, pain theve felt their entire lives from maybe being treated badly by society or the pain from seeing what society is; a cruel, harsh place. I don't condone their actions or sympathise with them, as I feel their victims are as much of a victim of society as the perpetrators of such actions are. I'm struggling with accepting the notion harming others is wrong though, sometimes I do feel like harming those that bullied me at school as I see them on facebook sometimes on friends status comments, and I click on their profiles out of sheer curiosity and it looks like theyre having better lives than I am. Thats not fair. I do honestly believe they need to be punished, and I do honestly believe they are one of the reasons if not THE reason I am the way I am.
  6. I'm really scared of life. There is no future to mine and its terrifying. I really need somebody to help me get on the right track, there is no future in my job and to be honest, as horrible as it sounds, I do believe the job I have now is beneath me. I am of the intelligence to do so much more but ironically I dont know what. At 25 I feel as if the ship to a better future has sailed and I'm doomed to live within this rut for the rest of my life. I don't know anything about taxes. mortagages, loans or anything. I dont even have a pension yet, what happens when I retire? I have no chance at living life, its all too complicated.
  7. I'm 25 and im in a dead end job. I live with parents. I have no passion for anything. I'm not good at anything. I dont have any talents or skills. My handwriting is poor. I'm single and have been for 5 years. My maths skills are at a very basic level, I'd say to a childs level. My life is not going to go anywhere. My life is over.
  8. This year has sucked. A painful lump has appeared at the top of my backside. i cant sit down only lie on my side. The one time of year im off work for 2 weeks with a lot of birthdays and family events to attend and this happens .Ive looking forward to these 2 weeks all year.
  9. Well, from experience the only thing that puts women off wanting to even go out with me is my depression. People can smell negativity (not literally of course :P) on you, and generally people dont like to be around negative people whether you can help it or not. However I have to hold onto the belief, the hope that maybe one in 10 women will "get me", but I dont have the confidence to ask women out on dates which another thing I think people find unattractive in others. Lack of self esteem.
  10. Its always been a problem for me, but I cant be happy on my own. Its like I need other people to make me happy. When I'm alone im constantly depressed but when Im with people like friends I'm always pretty cheerful. (Still with depressive thoughts though, they never go away). My ex girlfriend left me because I was pretty much using her for happiness, at the time I didnt even realise but in retrospect I was. Now I'm seeing friends, getting engaged having kids and getting married I cant take the fact when they all settle down I'll be truly alone. They keep saying "youll always be part of our lives" but we're already drifting apart, I texted a few friends to see if they wanted to come to a mutual friends birthday last Sat, I ended up going but none of them even bothered to reply. Another of the thousands of reasons why I loathe myself is my jealousy, envy or even resentment of other peoples successes, happiness and getting to a point where I will sometimes convince myself they are undeserving of success and happiness simply because I'm a failure and can never be happy. Its horrible.
  11. I keep having moments of pure rage, and feelings that I want to end my life. Just moments, maybe last upto 20 minutes then they go away and come back after a while. I'm so tired of being me. I'm so tired in general. All i ever wanted to be was happy like everyone else, but no... i'm stuck being me. I basically do not want to be me. I hate it so so much
  12. I'm extremely jealous of other peoples talents, and skills and relationships.
  13. Gaming, listening to music and watching films/shows and feeling sorry for myself.
  14. I achieved getting through my shift at work without losing my temper, or embarrassing myself. So thats always good. I'm now spending my day with games.. as usual. Though the past week Ive been sleeping entire days after work (i work very early in the morning till noon), only getting up to use the bathroom and get dinner at around 7pm then going back to bed. So I've achieved not going to bed and actually trying to do something. Not much to most people, but to me just being awake at 2pm is a small victory.
  15. I discovered this TED talk and this lady and I thought some here could benefit from her ideas. There are three videos Ive seen, all of which are quite long so you may need to make some time to watch them. Please pm me for the links. I love her ideas and view of gaming, its so refreshing to see games held up in a positive light. A lot of what she says regarding how games can help people rings true with me. I play a lot of AAA blockbuster shooter, adventure & rpg titles and enjoy them but its games like Minecraft (which I think is an example she could have used, but didnt) that I find do help me on a level, like building something with a community of people and seeing what youve accomplished is beyond satisfying. Whilst you haven't achieved anything in the real world, you do gain skills this way when it comes to teamwork and communication with other people that in all honesty, outside of my circle of friends, I find very difficult in the real world, with games its so easy for me to interact with strangers. Strategy games are great too at helping me in depressive episodes, my mind is fully active and trying to find ways to win through... well strategy, thus my mind is getting some exercise and after a few matches in Total War (if Ive won or not) I feel a lot better mentally. Anyway...
  16. I wish I could learn to be happy and love myself. Thats all I want from my life. I dont need lots of money, a fast car, a big house or any of that stuff. Because thats all it is, stuff. I want to be mentally OK with myself, and love life but im incapable. Thus I'll be alone forever. All my friends are now in relationships, even a friend who suffers with the same problems as I do. Hes found the love of his life. I think I already found mine, but she broke up with me 4 years ago, and I still think about her daily and miss her. Im not good at this life lark.
  17. I listen to a lot of dark music. Some of my favourite bands; NIN, Faith No More, Deftones, Opeth, Gojira, Machine Head, Mudvayne, Pink Floyd, Porcupine Tree, Tomahawk, Neurosis,Isis & Nirvana. Thats just a few. Most of those create or have created extremely emotional music.
  18. No I wouldn't say its a useless remark, it was just off topic slightly in that particular conversation at that time.
  19. You've probably made a bigger deal out of it in your mind, than it actually was. It wasn't inane or stupid, its just difficult to really make conversation from that statement. Perhaps your co workers didn't really know how to respond or were surprised by your joining in, if you rarely do talk at lunch like you said. Im sure they dont think youre stupid, you clearly arent and if they do the problem is all theirs
  20. I see all people as better than me. Basically. I dont wish to feel superior to people, I just wish I could stop looking at other peoples lives and comparing mine to theirs. Its a fruitless exercise that can only end one way, badly. What makes me feel worthless? Having a lack of self control, being 25 and living with parents, being financially incompetent, living pay slip to pay slip, doing nothing with my life, working a dead end part time job, being talentless and skilless, lacking any kind of worldly experience, the list goes on. Im basically a failure in all aspects of life.
  21. Ive had a relationship in the past that lasted 4 years. So I know how it feels. I dont think im over my ex girlfriend either, we broke up over 4 years ago. Yes id like another relationship but id like to feel happiness within myself and have the self esteem thats essential for pursuing happiness.
  22. Ill try to drag myself to the doctor. All I want is to be happy, within myself. Two of my friends recently announced that theyre now in relationships and all I feel is jealousy and resentment. Why them? Why not me? I feel horrible thinking like this.
  23. Thanks for your replies. I have nothing to add. Im convinced im a failure and as much as I do want a relationship with somebody,I'm better off alone No amount of therapy or medication can make the fact that im a waste of skin go away. I want to be happy but I have no chance. My life is done. And whilst I agree I should be happy within myself before wanting a relationship,thats basically saying ill never have a chance. There is no veing happy within my mind or body.
  24. Nothing has changed in my life but ive been feeling especially low the past few weeks. About 3 weeks ago I was crying pretty much constantly for days and since ive been having suicidal feelings. Ive also taken a lot of recreational drugs I would never touch usually and drinking more than usual at weekends. Im currently not on any prescribed medication or seeking professional help. I aim to do this soon if I can find the motivation or reason. At the moment im having a hard time trying to fathom why I should. I feel I dont deserve happiness or a life. Im a loser. A nothing. Its at the point now where I look at myself and laugh hysterically at how pathetic I am. I mean, for example, theres been this girl whom is a good friend and weve been spending a bit of time together. I really liked her but we went to a mutual friends party one week, and she slept with another mate of ours. I mean... LOL thats how pathetic I am. No I didn't tell her how I felt or made it obvious because what point would there have been? If you saw/met me in person, you'd get what I mean. This needs to end.
  25. Thank you for your advice. It proved very helpful. I saw a few of my closest friends on Tuesday and basically laid my cards on the table. They seemed pretty upset about it and genuinely apologetic. It also turned out ive been overreacting somewhat. Most of my closest friends didnt even go that other mates birthday. I thought they had. Im sorry for this thread.
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