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Everything posted by Doommantia

  1. I'm not good. Seeing everybody around me have actual lives, doing things I can't is making me ill. People say they worry about me but I don think they do. I never receive texts or phone calls, its always me who has to contact anybody, I'm an afterthought for most people. My own mother doesnt care about me (dont say that she does, you dont know her. she has some kind of personality disorder). I want to do things, have things but every time i try at something i fail. I have no skills, no talents, im almost 27 and live at home, I cant even get a full time job, ive been single for 6 years. Pathetic. How do "normal" people do it? They go through school, go to college, then to uni and then to careers with what seems to me ease. They know what they want and they are able to get it. Then they get married, have children etc. all by the time theyre my age (26). And then theres me who works 4-5 hours a day, then goes to bed and/or spends all day and most weekends alone in his bedroom. I dont get it. It makes me sick.
  2. Yeah, every single day I game for an ungodly amount of hours. Either that or I listen to music or watch a show or film. But I mostly play games. I think I may have an addiction but I love it, I love it as it allows me to escape life. Helps me forget I am who I am. I love it also as an artform, its more than just entertainment and escapism for me. I play a lot of different games on PC and PS4. I own hundreds of games and despite not finishing many of them I continue to buy more. Its ridiculous actually.
  3. For the past 5-6 years all I've been longing for, is the past. The best years I ever had were when I was 16-19, I had a great social life, a girlfriend, I was going places, I had dreams. Then one year It all decided to go all wrong, it all decided to end and leave me lifeless and without anything. All what I had was replaced with crap. I remember my first year of college (my best year without a doubt), I made heaps of new friends and I met who I thought was the love of my life. She was everything to me. We stayed together for almost 4 years until eventually she had enough of bearing witness to my self destruction. I don't know why I went down the path that I did, I didn't want this and certainly never asked for it. I want to relive those years so bad, I want to ensure that I didnt make the choices that I did and everyday that I cannot do this I'm unhappy. I dont want the future. I dont want someone else. I want to be with her. Its not right. Of course time travel isnt a thing and even if it was one can't undo what has been done, or has happened. I realise this, and yet even with this realisation I still cant help but feel these things. I maybe need to work on "getting over" her, but sometimes I dont want to. When I think about those good years I get that butterfly feeling in my stomach and as if my head is going to burst open or something. Very weird feeling and not one that I like yet I continue to dwell on these years, why do I do this to myself? I just needed to vent this.
  4. Awful. Thinking about my ex a lot lately (we broke up 6 years ago!) and I miss her a lot still. A song came on Pandora from a band I was listening to a lot back when we first met and how much in love I was with her, and its just made me wish It was those days again. As I get older the further away I feel from happiness.
  5. Bad. Thinking about the years 2004-2009, and how I can never have those years back. They were the best time in my life. I will never feel like I did then ever again.
  6. i want to off myself and/or a few other people who have forced me to be this way.
  7. Looking at my life, it would seem that I am just a straight up loser; I work a dead end part time job, i have no savings, i cant drive, i have no talents or skills, i struggle at learning, i rarely ever go out except to go to work, i have been single for 5 years and still feel heartbroken over my ex dumping me, i am lonely, i hate the world, my "friends" never call or text, i live with my parents still, i dont know how to talk to nor approach women, i hate and am jealous of people who have all these things and more. These arent just feelings, these are facts. I know I'm depresssed, but I feel I'm depressed because I'm a loser failure as opposed to feeling like a loser failure because I'm depressed. I cant change, I'm incapable of it. Thank you for your response but I really think I'm beyond help at this point. I'm 26 years old and I'm done. None of this is my fault either, I have tried at life. I almost came close to being happy then it all got taken away and now I'm this, husk of a person with nothing. First my girlfriend of 4 years left me because she listened to a person who had no idea about our relationship and fed her lies, then my dad died after he abandoned me 8 years prior, then i lost my job at the time, then my mother threw me out onto the streets (eventually she took me back), all this was within one year (2009) and after that I was done. None of that was my fault. Other people have made me be this way, and other people are allowed to be happy. I cant have it. People need to feel the pain I feel its only fair. goodbye.
  8. At least 7-8. but usually its only 4 or 5. I slept today for 6 hours and probably will get another 4 in before work at 6am. :verysad3:
  9. Thanks for your responses and kind words. Yes, Ive talked with my friends at the rare times I see them about all of this and theyre very good at listening and a few of them understand and have dealt with depression themselves. The difference between me and them though is theyre stronger people. I'm just very frustrated with life, I don't understand it, I don't know what to do with it. Everybody else it seems can have relationships, goals and dreams and achieve those goals and dreams by the time theyre 25 and it feels like I'm not allowed to, some higher power wont allow me to be happy. Thats what it feels like, but I know theres no grand conspiracy against me. I've seen jobs being advertised that I think I would like to do and instead of applying I just think I'd probably fail the interview, and I wouldnt be able to do the job if I got it anyway because I'm not intelligent enough to do anything beyond what I'm currently doing of which I'm tired of since its not at all challenging nor satisfying to do. I also need to re-write my CV, I really really want to but I feel I'm unable to I have no motivation at all. I always put things off in order to do things I like doing like watching a film, playing a game or listening to music. Those three things are all I do, and all I'm good at doing.
  10. I'm 26 now and I have still yet to achieve anything with my life, for the past few years all Ive been doing is working a dead end part time job and going home and sleeping or just playing video games all day (i work early mornings only). I have friends, but I rarely see them and they rarely even call me these days due to them all being busy people with relationships, children and full time jobs. I am alone. My family doesnt care about me, and I never see them despite living with them, all my parents care about is the money I give them on a monthly basis. Ive felt particularly bad this year, a lot of my friends have gotten married, engaged or started new lives with great careers. What have I got? Nothing. Not even a degree. It doesnt help that Im not particularly good at anything, I'm talentless and I'm incapable of learning new things. I'm not even sure I even have depression, rather I'm just aware of how much of a failure I am that will never ever amount to anything. I'm ready to go away.
  11. I can relate to how you're feeling 100%. I'm forever comparing myself to other people, but frankly "the grass is always greener" phrase doesnt really apply in my case, I am bottom of the barrel loser of epic proportions. Nobody wishes they were me, and I wouldnt wish it on any other person. I genuinely loathe myself.
  12. Yep I feel like this on a day to day basis. Know that you're not alone. I have to ask though; what made you come to the conclusion that you are worthless?
  13. I accomplished my first day of split shifts for this week, I usually just work the mornings but I opted to do some overtime for every afternoon this week on top of my mornings. Long long days (6am - 11am, then 3pm-7pm), and exhausting but it feels good to have done something a little more productive with my day than what I usually do. I actually only opted to do it just to take my mind off... my mind.
  14. I really dont remember. I think Ive been depressed all my life. I really only got very bad when I fell in love with a girl who at the time had a boyfriend, a while later we did begin a relationship that lasted a few years until she broke up with me and that was it for me... havent been happy since. That was five years ago. Still havent really gotten over her, I find myself thinking about her randomly and get intense feelings of grief.
  15. Quite the opposite for me; I have to think very very hard about what I say before I say it out of fear of what people may think or that I might embarrass myself. I have to concentrate that I'm in control. Every conversation I have with anyone is a exhausting. Unfortunately this gives people I dont know the impression that Im ignorant if I dont respond to something they're saying, other than a "yes" and a nod and because I'm concentrating on my registering a sentence in my mind it takes a while for any words to come out and I come across as some kind of weirdo. I can also seem very ignorant anyway to stranger I'm sure, as I'm extremely shy.
  16. Oh yes, without music I dont know where I'd be. I owe my life to music. I listen to, predominately; rock, progressive rock, metal, rap/hiphop (mostly early 90s, late 80's stuff) and experimental stuff. Lately all Ive been listening to is; Isis, Neurosis, NIN, Deftones, David Bowie, Nick Cave, Morbid Angel, Machine Head, Pink Floyd, Faith No More & Gary Numan. (I listen to a LOT of music :P) I prefer dark music, as it makes me feel something and I can relate to a lot of it on an emotional level. I find darker music actually helps me get by more than any happy song ever could. I think this is because its a reminder I'm not alone, and even musicians I admire have gone through the same or even worse than what Ive had and theyve made something of it; music. Thats inspirational to me.
  17. I'm so sorry for what you must be going through, but you're not alone here. I strongly recommend you seek counselling for this (didnt the hospital advise this?), its a horrible thing to have happen to you and even the strongest person on earth would find going through something like that just as difficult. I wish you all the best in your recovery.
  18. Music, socialising (when I feel like I can) & video games. Im really looking forward to May, because one of my favourite bands (NIN) is playing live in Manchester. So I'm happy about seeing them again.
  19. I have to get up, whether I like it or not, so as I can go to work which in turn enables me to keep a roof over my head and food on my table... and to buy video games to play. :P Seriously though, even with incentive to get up in the morning its still very difficult for me.
  20. My sanctuary is exactly the same... Add a computer to that and that's all. Yep, my PC is always on as is my PS4. Just lying in bed watching tv shows, movies and playing games is the only way I can be somewhat happy or at least its the only way I can put my situation out of my mind.
  21. In my room with the door shut and curtains closed and in bed. Its the only place I feel relaxed anyway, even around family I feel on edge and awkward and sometimes even angry, which I cant explain. I just feel really annoyed around them sometimes, and not for any specific reason. Same with the general public, when I'm outside and at work. I can only socialise when Im drinking. I cant socialise well, sober.
  22. Why cant I be good at something? Id love to have a talent, preferably a musical one. I play guitar and attempt at writing and recording my own music, but I'm rubbish compared to everybody else I know who also plays, writes and records with their bands and solo projects... I also know nothing in the way of theory. I cant even tune by ear. I'm a failure at everything, even the one thing I wished I was good at. Whats the point.
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