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Everything posted by Doommantia

  1. I feel I don't belong here, in life. I haven't done a single thing thats worth anything. I went through school and college not knowing what to do with my future, I'm 21 and yet to find my vocation. It's embarrassing. I have friends, my age, who are all doing something with their lives and are doing great. Some even wives, finances and children and make a good living. What have I got? I'm single, unemployed, broke and have no social life. I sit inside most days playing games, watching films, listening to music and surfing the web pointlessly. I'm getting sick of my life. What's even more frustrating is that my friends are all relatively happy, and I feel its their happiness is what gets them their good lives. I believe in karma and I've done some things Im not proud, nothing that bad. Just running into debts, doing drugs, drinking heavily and being violent when I'm drunk. My attitude needs to change, but I can't. I can't even get out of bed in the morning, I want to.. I just can't and my parents can't keep me around forever the way I am. I'm scared of becoming homeless and having another reason to end myself. I just don't want to be me. I despise myself. I really do wish I was never born or I was somebody else. I can spend an hour obsessing over which of my friends I wish I could be. It's worrying and frankly strange. I grow envious more and more, and sometimes that envy can turn to hatred. I hate way too many people for very minor things, I'm angry 99% of the time. I feel like a bitter old man, and I'm only 21. 21 and sick of life. I'm either going to **** myself or somebody else by the time I'm 30. I know it.
  2. Welcome to the forums. Just joining says to me, you know you have a problem and that's a step in the right direction. Well done. Society's standards are extremely high these days, though I understand this is different for each generation. I'll assume you're young, since this is something a lot of young people think about. Including myself. Having a woman is not what life is about. Needing a woman is not what life is about. You shouldn't need somebody to fill in the gaps in your life. It's unfair to you and unfair to whoever you fall for/start a relationship with. It's a form of using, though sub-conciously. You need to be happy within yourself before you can make anybody else happy, but love doesn't come by seeking. It comes unexpectedly. Whilst you're out there enjoying your life. I sound rich typing this, since I think the same you do. Though I know what I've just written there is the truth. Just be happy, seek help and patch yourself up. Enjoy life. The reason girls are put off by you is because your obviously depressed, people can read others a lot better than you may think. Looks are not important to the majority of decent down to earth people. The ones that do judge based on looks are not worth being with. I wish you all best mate. Keep posting here and keep us all informed about where you're at. There forums and everybody here, is here for you. Trust me.
  3. Some more woes I have.. (didn't want to fill up the forums) I have friends, they were good friends up until recently. Due to something that went down at a party. Ever since they've left me out of everything. I haven't been out with friends, or seen any for months. I can't stand the thought of not having them in my life. I did apologise to my best mate, and we do talk over facebook and its fine. But he never invites me out or anything. Loneliness is something I can't and will never be able to handle. I brought it on myself I realise, but I'm a firm believer in second chances. Maybe I'm over thinking it and they know because I dont have a job I couldnt afford to join them. Though it would still be nice to invite me if that's the case, regardless of my financial difficulty. Maybe I should stop relying on them to invite me and I should ask them, I know this. Though I fear rejection and if they were to say "sorry mate cant do tonight" (for example) I would worry more. Two of them (i think) are going on holiday and they didn't even tell me. This is my best mate of 17 years we're talking about. I feel so pushed out and rejected. In the space of 18 months I've lost my friends, my mums and step dads respect, my girlfriend of 4 years, my job and my dad. (Who passed away). I'm a loser, literally. Though I know the latter one wasn't my fault. I feel very close to the edge. People say "oh if you think negative thoughts negative things will happen" or "its karma!" its a crock of bull. I've not done 1 thing wrong in my life, never committed a crime, never hurt anybody, never done a single thing that would make me deserving of all this pain and misery. I understand there are worse off people in the world than myself, but I can't help how I feel. I'm so angry and just wanted to vent. Thanks for your responses and words of advice, it means a lot and it's great to think that are still some decent people still left in the world. Welcome to the forums Rob1, I wish you all the best. Though I don't understand the joke about your picture? lol
  4. I've probably spent the last two weeks in my room. I do everything except go to the toilet in here. I really don't see any point in going out. It's cooler in here during the hot days and warmer during the cold days. I don't have a job, so I spend all day playing games, surfing the web and reading. There is really nothing I can do outside, I can't do within the comfort of my room. The only days I do go out is when I have enough motivation to go job hunting, but that's a rare occurrence. I get wound up very easily and my opinion of the public in general is a pretty low one, to say the least. I attempted to spend the afternoon last sunday outside, so i went to the park to read a book and listen to my ipod. But I felt pathetic and that everybody was laughing at that poor lonely miserable guy on the bench, so after an hour I gave up and went home. I do have friends, but I don't ever see then anymore. Plus lack of money (none actually, all my dole money goes to my parents for keep) doesn't help the situation and limits the amount I can do. Don't get me wrong I really want a job, and I'm not sure why I can't get motivated enough to find one. The only thing I'm really motivated about is my Army application, but I've fallen into a bit of a rut and keep putting off going to my GP to get my medical form signed and completed. I guess my question here is, is my behaviour normal?
  5. I think, because of my depression it's pushed people away from my life. I used to have a small group of close friends and the best girlfriend any guy could ask for, now they've all gone. The only people I have is my parents and siblings, but I can't talk and don't talk to them about my personal life or my problems. They don't even know I'm suffering with depression. I say "I think" in relation to losing my friends. I'm not sure where I stand with them, but I get the strong feeling they don't want to be around me anymore. They don't call or invite me out anymore. It's pretty painful.
  6. I'm sort of in the same boat. I feel completely hopeless and useless. I haven't been able to get out of bed for the past 2 weeks, being unemployed for 9 straight months allows me that luxury. I look at other people's lives, and see they're all doing relatively great or at least better than me and I grow envious. My envy turns to anger more often than not then I either pick up a bottle or get a kitchen knife and cut my arms or punch a wall or all three. It makes me feel better. I've been in love with the same girl for over 5 years, the relationship lasted 4 years. One year on (nearer to 18 months now) she's still in my head and my heart. I think of her all the time (literally) there is no moving on for me. I've grown used to these feelings and used to the idea I'll be alone forever. She isn't though, she has a new boyfriend and I feel it isn't fair. I've even thought about ******* myself over this, a few times. I'm a logical guy though and see no reason why this would make anything better for anybody having to deal with my depression as well as myself. Being dead certainly doesn't have it's attractive traits, ironically I don't either. My friends seem to have forgotten about my existance, which shouldn't surprise me. I never get invited out or called, ever. Yet I see on their facebooks that they're always out and about. They all have lives, better ones than myself. I don't get why it is everybody around me has a better life than me, I don't get why I can't seem to catch a break once in a while. Im well and truely alone now. I can't handle this thought, its both terrifying and depressing to me. I suppose some of us are destined to eat s*** all our lives. Even the rare good stuff turns into a trojan horse of pain, eventually. I've grown to literally despise life. I really see no reason why this year won't be my last, at the rate I'm going down this (as cliche as this will sound) downward spiral.
  7. I know how you feel. Though I have to say it really doesn't come down to looks, its self confidence that is the key. The women who put you down, really aren't worth being with anyway. As they are judgemental vile human beings and one day their attitude will get the better of them. I can't approach women at all. I was in the same relationship for 4 years with a girl who I still love (18 months after we split). I simply can't move on and thus can't talk to new girls. I'm 21 and I find this sad and pathetic. I've been in tears all day because I saw on her FB she's celebrating one year anniversary with her new boyfriend. You'll probably have many relationships in your life, and I'll have none.
  8. For the past 2 weeks, I've literally done nothing but stay in bed. The only time I get up is to eat, I proceed to watch on average 4 hours of TV. Then go back to sleep. I'm seeing my "friends" have been hooking up lately, and not even bothered to ask me to join them. Which obviously hurts, also for some reason I've been thinking a lot about my ex (we split up over a year ago) and how unfair I think it is that she's leading such a great life without me. I've had some violent tendencies and cut myself a few times. I don't think I'm going to make the rest of this year. I've also been helping myself to my mums alcohol and getting pretty drunk each day, when she's out. I think I'm trying to **** myself. I don't know whats happening but i'ts terrifying me. I'm angry all the time, I see the world cup on Tv and mumble obscenities to myself about how much I hate it. Though in hindsight it's because I have no one to enjoy it with. Even though I hate football I used to enjoy going to the pub to watch it with friends, now it seems that tradition along with all my friendships is dead. I also seem to well up with anger when I see someone I dislike, be it on TV or in the street. I think to myself "I hope they die". I find these thoughts and my anger very abnormal and worrying. I should probably seek help, but i don't know how or what to say to my doctor. Let it be known, I know I've had issues for a long long time. Though I've never seeked help with it, I've been struggling with these issues on my own and it seems now (of all times, I hope to go into the Army) I really need help. If I get this help, it goes on my record.. it goes on my record and the army get wind of it... I'm done with that hope and dream. I'm in a terrible dilemma. I have only myself to blame, I know this. The one thing that hurts the most is that I'm alone in this, nobody understand and I have no friends (apparently) to talk to. I can't handle life alone, I really don't see myself getting through this year.
  9. Thanks for the advice, and I'm sorry for those in the same boat. It isn't a nice place to be.
  10. I'm the exact same way, Princess. So you're not alone. I often feel I need people's recognition, and approval. I'm not quite an attention seeker per se, though I do feel I need to be praised quite a lot. So I make minor things up about my family and dreams. It's really irritating me, I don't know why I'm this way. I really cannot help myself. I just want to be my own person.
  11. I stay in constantly, the only time I go out is to job hunt for a few hours. Most of my time Is spent sat in front of the PC, listening to music, watching films or playing games. I see my friends on facebook always planning stuff, going out and having a blast. It hurts and I often find myself jealous. They used to invite me out all time, but after I made a fool of myself the last party I went to by attempting to attack someone in a stupid drunken rage they don't talk to me anymore. The only friend who still contacts me, contacts me through Facebook and that's it. Doesn't come on msn or ring anymore. I haven't got the money to go out anyway, but it would be nice if someone could invite me out. I'm not one to invite myself or butt into peoples plans, I don't know why. Maybe this has got people thinking that I'm a miserable loner who likes being by himself. I'm the complete opposite. My own mother had a go at me last week about "not having a life" and its this that's making me depressed. She's right, but that hurt. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist, theres way too much pain in life to bare at times.
  12. You sound so like myself. So this is proof you're never alone. (for the both of us) I too have spent the last 3 years in bed pretty much. I managed to do my A Levels and pass them by the skin of my teeth, the only time my fear of failure has proven to be a virtue. But since I left college (2 years ago) I've done absolutely nothing but sleep, play games and drink. Recently I've come to realise this isn't how a 21 year old (we're the same age too :P) is supposed to live and now attempting to do something by joining the Army. It's never too late and at 21, we're still babies. :P We have time on our side. I sound positive in this post, but I find it hard following what I know is right through. I often fall back down. It does hurt when I see people my age, having good lives and fun. I sometimes begin hating these people, which is worrying especially since its usually towards friends I feel this way. I never get invited out anymore and all my "friends" are planning to go away in the summer to Amsterdam and they haven't bothered to ask if I want to go. But this may be because of a incident a party which Involved me becoming extremely violent. So I think it could be assumed, Ive lost my best friends. Your grammar is fine by the way, I've seen worse. :P Best of wishes.
  13. ^ Sorry to hear about your troubles. To be frank with you, you need to be happy within yourself before you can make someone else happy. You shouldn't "need" a relationship, you need to be happy within yourself. I understand how hard this can be. I too long for someone to love, but I'm still in love with my ex and suffering with depression so I don't think it's fair to bring someone else into my world right now. I never grab women's attention though, ive only kissed/slept with/dated one girl and that was for 4 years. I get wound up when I go to clubs and parties and see guys getting all the girls, to the point sometimes I feel violent. It isn't fair. Anyway. You sound like a really decent guy and I'm sure one day, you'll find someone. All the best. Congratulations Chris!
  14. Thanks for the advice and kind words, means a lot. :) I think you're right, I should see a Dr about this and get help before it gets worse. I could find life in the Army a lot harder if Im suffering at the same time. I don't think anything can lift me from this other than professional help. I've relied on people in the past to make me happy and I've learnt this is wrong and unfair on those people, it's why my ex broke up with me. I should be happy within myself, before I can make others happy or lead any kind of "normal" existance. Thanks for the advice. :)
  15. Im sure he'll be fine Jerseygirl. My best wishes to him, you and your family. I can understand this is probably a tough time, but he will come home safe to you. Im sure of this.
  16. Hey, I'm Terry. 21 year old Male. I've been suffering from what I think is depression for a few years know. I haven't really attempted to seek professional help for it, so I haven't had it diagnosed by a doctor but all the symptoms and signs point towards depression. Some days I can be ok and relatively happy, though I worry way too much. Other days I'm in a low mood, often displaying signs of anger, hatred, sadness and feelings of loneliness. I've had thoughts of death/dying/suicide. I've never felt like attempting the latter though, I just think about it. If that makes sense? lol Anyway, that's enough of my back story and my reasoning for being here. I just wanted to drop a hey and wish to praise this place for its nice, helpful and friendly users and lots of good advice. I also wish all the best to those who are suffering right now and hope you all get better in time. :)
  17. Thanks, I think that would be the best thing to do. But since I wish to join the Army, I fear a medical check coming back with "suffers from depression" stamped on it would ruin that. I understand that health comes first, but the Army is my only chance to have a decent career and life. I'm not very good at anything, I'm not artistic or creative (though I try), I'm extremely bad at maths and have no real talents or skills that I could apply to a career. I cannot hack the thought of being stuck in dead end jobs all my life. I wanted to go to Uni, but my parents keep saying "that ship has sailed, you've ruined that chance" and I have to agree it's too late now. I haven't had feelings of suicidal, sorry I should have been more clear. I've thought about it, but not about doing it. I do think about death and dying a lot though, to the point sometimes I have a panic attack. Another question, Is it normal to feel jealous/envious of people around you (i.e friends) when you see how happy and how accomplished they may be? I find myself comparing my life to my friends all the time and end up welling up with jealousy and sometimes anger. I think the reason I lashed out at that party was because a few of my friends were getting a lot of attention from girls etc, (I know how pathetic this sounds btw) and I felt kinda jealous and the anger kept building up to the point I felt like hurting somebody. This worries me. Though I don't understand why I can't be happy and have someone, yet everybody else can. Im sick of it.
  18. Thanks for the kind responses and words of advice. No Im not getting help at the moment, I tried therapy a couple of years ago but for some reason I stopped attending. My parents just think Im lazy, and thought I was stupid for thinking something worse is wrong. I think that was the main factor there. I have no idea of why I started feeling depressed, when It started life was great. Better than it is now at least. I did apologise for my actions at that party and my best friends said don't worry about it and told me to lay off drinking for a while, which I have done. But he's still been distant with me and treating me differently. I have told my friends I'm depressed, but non of them really care. My parents don't even care, so I shouldn't expect my friends to care either. Yes my ex knew I was depressed, it was the reason she broke up with me. I changed into a completely different person and she couldn't handle seeing me decline and not attempt to get help. I used to be a happy guy, silly and fun. Now Im constantly sad, alone and hate everything about life. I don't blame her for leaving me.
  19. It all started in 2006 for me, I started spending days in bed and missing college, work and meetups with my girlfriend at the time. This went on and on. Then came 2009, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me, my dad died and I lost my job. My step dad and mum chucked me out, because I was spending days in bed and not attempting to do anything with my life. I eventually was given a flat by my uncle, of which I screwed up by not paying rent. My step dad and mum took me back though and now Im back. Last month I went to a party and I drank too much and ended up becoming violent towards someone, now my friends have been distant and not involving me in any plans. I don't blame them though. Im still in love in my ex girlfriend, I think about her all the time and cry myself to sleep most nights. I miss her terribly. Now Im not suicidal, though I do think about death a lot. Though it's more the fear of death I think about and sometimes I have panic attacks over the thought, one day I will be dead. Sorry this is all a jumbled up list of sorts, I just couldn't be bothered to type an essay. I guess my question is, what the hell do I do? I have no prospects in life, no money, no job, no girlfriend, no friends (it seems), and no idea where to take my life.
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