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gumpasteflower

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  1. Life is so much harder if you're poor. Trust me, I live in the Third World. Anyone who says that life can still be beautiful even if you're poor is talking out of their *** and has never experienced real poverty. But I guess if you're depressed then you're still depressed whether you have money or not. I guess you're just depressed in a more comfortable setting if you have money. Being poor just adds extra misery to an already miserable situation.
  2. Graduate school started and I am feeling even more dead than ever. I thought that graduate school will at least give me something to look forward to, but right now i'm just going through the motions. I go to class, I go back to my dorm room, I go to sleep. Rinse and repeat, Tuesdays through Friday. I haven't gone running and i've taken up praying again. And of course nobody's listening. Nobody ever does. Life is not getting any better. If I don't feel dead I just feel angry. Angry at everything. Angry at everyone. Angry at the way my life has turned out and how unsalvageable it seems, angry at the fact that I'm 25 years old and I feel dead already. I have no relationship prospects for the foreseeable future. I'm having a difficult time making friends, and I will probably spend the next two years friendless. My academic and career goals are out of reach thanks to my immigration history. I am so unhappy. Right now I just want to make someone hurt as much as i'm hurting right now. I want to e-mail the guy who discarded me like i was a piece of s*** and tell him every single ugly thing i've held back from him in order to spare his feelings. But I can't even do that. I can't even **** myself.
  3. Thanks for the responses, guys. It seems like we aren't alone in our alone-ness, as corny as that sounds. It's not even the fact that turning 25 next week and I've never even had a boyfriend that bothers me. The man I dated two years ago doesn't count- he said himself that he was never my boyfriend, and I agree with him. I think my biggest problem is that I just cannot resign myself to the fact that the game was over for me 20 years ago. It's just not in my nature to give up, even though the chance for me to have a normal life, to be just like every single 25-year-old woman out there, was taken away from me 20 years ago. It's the constant struggling that makes me angrier and even more depressed. Why am I even bothering? I expect so little and I will get jack-s***. I'm just very bitter right now. I'm angry that I don't know how to fix myself. I'm angry that there's no possible way that things can be fixed.
  4. I am just deeply, deeply depressed at how my life has gone. I'm turning 25 next week. What happened to all of my career and life plans? Nothing. So much for careful planning, so much for rebuilding myself from an insecure, angry little girl only to turn into an insecure, angry woman. I have done nothing with my life. I haven't published any papers or done any significant research. I'm getting too old to establish a decent academic career where my competition have already completed their PhDs and postdocs by the age of 30, and I'm at a place where I will have little opportunity to do cutting-edge research. I'm already an academic failure, and I haven't even started yet. Nobody has even ever fallen in love with me, so I've also failed on a fundamental level. I found out that the first and only man I've dated would rather not have dated me at all. My life is a ******* joke, and it's not even a particularly funny one. I just want to get out of here.
  5. It has been two years since the first and only time I dated. Dating backfired spectacularly, of course, just like everything I've ever wanted. I wasn't expecting something great, I wasn't expecting love. In fact, I wasn't expecting anything other than forming positive associations and attitudes towards sex for once. I only ended up with more emotional baggage instead. I just want to feel normal. I want to find someone who will love me and will want to have a family with me one day, but that will never happen. It doesn't help that I'm back in the country where I was sexually abused as a child, and I feel like I'm surrounded by enemies. Normalcy is never going to happen for me. It is too late for me to start forming healthy relationships because I'm too damaged and too toxic. I just want to know how to deal with being involuntarily celibate. I just want to learn how to accept the fact that I will go through the rest of my life alone.
  6. Lori, I feel the exact same way about life. I'm sorry that your neurologist isn't more sympathetic or supportive. You're doing whatever you can to take care of yourself. I hope that your test results do come back clear, for the sake of your physical health. You're not crazy or mental, but depression is skewing your perspective.
  7. Thanks. You're absolutely right...I have a mean streak that I've been struggling to suppress for as long as I can remember. It is difficult for me to be nice, or even neutral, to people whom I feel have wronged me. I have to exact revenge before I can let go, and I don't know how to exact revenge on the maids. That's why I'm feeling annoyed and frustrated. I know that I should just simply ignore them and let go. After all, I have the advantage over them: I don't have to deal with them if I so wish, but they have to deal with me, whether they like it or not, or else risk losing their jobs. I have the advantage of an education, and they don't. Maybe that's why I'm still holding on to so much baggage and emotional trash, because I didn't get the release that comes with revenge. I just absolutely hate being gossiped about. I discussed the situation with my cousin's fiancee, since she's the one who's in charge of the household staff. Her advice has been the same as everyone else's- just ignore them, because they're nothing. Expendable walking furniture. And usually that kind of thinking makes me upset because I believe in equality, but to my horror I found myself agreeing with her. I told her that our family also had maids before we left the Philippines- but our maids knew their place. So not only am I upset that the maids are gossiping about me and trying to make me miserable, I'm also upset because I feel like my sense of decency and ideals are being eroded. I think I'm over-thinking everything. I'm over-analyzing why a couple of servants dislike me entirely, when like I said in a previous post, it most likely comes down to some petty reason. I just want to be done thinking about this.
  8. hello

    I haven't seen you around. I hope you are ok.

    take care

  9. I'll echo the advice that others have given you in this thread- don't jump into dating or a relationship just because you want to stop feeling like a freak. There's nothing wrong with you for not dating or not having had a relationship yet. Don't force yourself, because in my experience, forcing yourself to date and build relationships only make things worse. I
  10. I'm currently staying at my cousin's house while I'm waiting for graduate school to start. In any case, his maids have all decided to pick on me. I don't even know why they decided to pick on me, but the problems started when my cousin hired a new maid. Most likely she started questioning why she had to assist me or respect me- which is funny, because I don't even add to their work since I do my own laundry and clean the room that I'm staying in, plus I was initially friendly and polite towards them- and the other maids just decided to follow suit. I am, after all, just my cousin's guest. I really would rather just avoid them, but their constant gossiping is pi**ing me off. It's just culture shock. I don't want them to like me, but I want them to respect me and leave me alone. Obviously they don't like me for some reason- my accent, maybe they think I'm arrogant, maybe they think I'm an a******. God knows what. Maybe they dislike me for the pettiest reason ever that will boggle my mind once I find out. I can't even begin to explain how the average Filipino psyche works. I guess the simplest explanation is that they're simply petty children. They can NOT be reasoned with, so explaining my situation (depression + readjusting to the culture + trying to deal with my many problems) to them will only result in more gossip being spread around. Most likely that will also give them the opportunity to anger me more. My mother has told me to give them small gifts and to reward them, but for what? For not doing their job? For adding even more stress? My family has told me to simply ignore them, since they're insignificant in the long run. It's difficult for me to simply do that, since I'm outspoken and have the unfortunate tendency to be sarcastic and to talk back, especially when goaded. I also have this attitude, that I thought I had gotten rid of while growing up in the US, that maids should not ever disrespect, tell me off, or talk back to me, because i'm above them. I don't think I'm explaining the problem clearly. I'm just upset. I don't even want to be in this situation in the first place. I ******* hate the Philippines, I ******* hate that I have to deal with people like those ******* maids, but they're all over the place. I'm not asking for solutions, just for a different perspective, because I'm just so angry and annoyed at this point. I realize that this is such a strange situation.
  11. Violet, thanks for asking about me. My mood has stabilized a bit. The lack of sleep and flu were just making me feel even more demoralized than usual, but now that I've had some sleep, I'm feeling less down than usual. Thunderroad, Phantastic Mirage, and Trace, thank you for your kind words and your concern.
  12. 3 things that I regret so much: 1) Not ******* myself when I was 14 2) Returning to the Philippines instead of simply ******* myself to get out of my situation 3) Dating because I had fooled myself into thinking that I was a normal person It is not too late to **** myself. It never is.
  13. Thank you for the responses and encouragement, everyone. Lori, thank you for taking the time to write about your experiences. I'm just scared and trying to cope with very bad anxiety attacks. I can't even write because I can't keep my mind together at this point. Medication is an option that I'm seriously considering, along with going back to therapy. Money will be an issue, of course, it always will be. One of my biggest fears right now is encountering sexual violence again. I can't move past that fear, and my anxiety is getting worse because of it. I don't know what triggered that fear all of a sudden. I need to stop reading news articles about past rape cases that happened in this country. I'm scared, and I feel horrible for the victims. Like I said, I can't write, I feel paranoid. Paranoid that I really am going crazy because I can't shake off my fears and deal with my anxiety, and paranoid that something like that will happen to me again. My mom said, keep thinking about it and it just might happen to you because you invited that negative event into your life again. I don't know what to think.
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