MidAgeDad

Hi all. Been here before. Quick update. While I have taken up to 300mg of WB for over 5 years 2 times in my 20+ year journey with Depression meds, I just restarted again late September. Main point that I want to make upfront for most that might not know me is that I definitely tend to take much longer than 'norm' with regards to final effects/no more SE of any AD. That being said...a few points/questions for all... Has anyone experienced early on SE when adding or upping WB? More specifically...actual depression symptoms? And as much more of a possible pattern...early morning Depression prior to taking daily dose? I think this occurred late September a couple of weeks in with WB@150mg Now it seems to be quickly reoccuring just a few days after upping to WB@300mg. Just curious if anyone can relate.

Hi Hurricane! Tonight will be a stressful time for the wife and I. This is typically a big 'Bar night' for the younger crowds in these parts. Everyone home for the long weekend. HOPEFULLY, our Son's purposeful 'changed ways' this year along with this recent job offer will help buoy/moderate his tendencies/triggers....😬 I was in NYC(1-1/2 hours+ drive time each way) most of the day yesterday for my normal 3 month followup appt with my Facial Nerve Surgeon. She has been injecting me with some Botox mostly under my right eye/cheek where the surgery could not 'fix' the synkinesis. The Botox helps 'relax' some of those muscles from 'pulling up'. Not sure if I will continue this indefinitely or not... Definitely pulling the trigger on Saffron right after this Post! TY for reminding me about that! Had a rough night's sleep last night. Woke up a little after 2AM with pretty severe anxiety. Possibly can be attributed to the NYC commute...? These last few years, I have become very 'nervous' in certain traffic conditions...Ugh. So, my wife picked up my Bupropion prescription early evening Monday. First...it is SR...not the XL that I'm currently taking. And....Dr. Reddy's Lab is the Pharma....???? Have yet to open it...will drive to CVS later today to discuss with pharmacist. So happy to hear about your continuing your walks!!!! I need to follow suit with something/anything myself! During my 'younger' years I used to be very fit...not even close anymore, although I do try from time to time... Benzos...haven't really responded to you 'directly' about your challenges although I only indirectly implied when discussing my son's issues. Back in the day(late 90's), while seeing my original PDoc, I didn't have a clue what they were really...other than knowing of my Mother sometimes taking Valium back when I was growing up. He first prescribed Xanax mainly on an 'as needed' basis for my presentations at work. He was also aware of my 'self medicating at times' with alcohol...and was always in favor of Benzos in comparison. What I didn't even realize back then about benzos was their addictiveness(?). No idea! And TBH, for probably almost a decade, I did mostly use the Xanax for presentations only. However, as time progressed, refilling that 3mg p/day 'as needed' prescription went from maybe every few months to every month! That was right around 2008-ish, when my 'new' PDoc made me more aware of the addictive dangers of benzos. However, by then I had gotten quite used to daily use...mostly after work and definitely at/near bedtime. It was only after learning about my Son's on again/off again addiction to 'street' Xanax(around 9/2020) that I stopped my prescription entirely. And in doing so...began drinking more alcohol to ineffectively combat my seemingly lifelong battle with anxiety. So...long story short(LOL), what I am trying to say is that I can SO relate to your current struggles with lowering the benzos. They certainly are very powerful/addictive meds! My current PDoc mentioned a while back that pharmas have been doing alot more research on 'non-addictive' anxiety meds...I'll believe it when I see it! And I agree with your opinion on big pharmas in general! TTYS!

Hi Hurricane! Good weekend. No...very good weekend! Both kids home this week. Probably won't be on here as often. My Son is really on a roll these days. I would be the LAST person to doubt him or assume the worst, but I must admit after these last handful of years?....past year especially, I have not only had slim hopes short term, but maybe even long term(😩). However...not only has he turned his college studies around finally this Semester(this is now his 5thY-next Semester)...and it being the most difficult with all Classes(6!..never could handle even 5!) that he has either avoided or Failed already...well long story short(LOL)...he is actually spending double digit hours with HW and studying for exams! This Semester GPA well over 3! I have been probably the lone person around here still holding onto hopes that he would somehow turn it around...but not only has it been difficult realistically...but obviously affecting my Mental Health so much more than anyone around me knows....... NOT a topic for now... BUT! Not only has he flipped his scholastic situation this Spring...but he also was approached from someone on LinkedIn...LS-Short...after 4 interviews...just got offered a very good job(???) in NYC(mostly remote for now) at a very good salary! I am walking around on air right now!...I can't lie....after this time/Xmas last year???? Wow...It was so bad in so many ways, that I just wanted to move to the most remote spot in the world and live by myself modestly in a boat for the rest of my life....! Story far from over...I know that better than anyone. But a few uplifting days can't hurt right!!!!????? I'll be in touch!!! You are the best Hurricane! P.S. Keep those walks going! Doesn't matter....5 Miles, 1 Mile, etc. It's all good!

Sorry if I'm all over the place...but I might have gotten myself dehydrated as well by allowing the lack of appetite motivate me to lose weight even faster(Hmm..didn't somebody warn about that more than once??😉) Hardly eating and then taking in some alcohol in the evening isn't a good combination no matter how you slice it! Peppermint Tea sounds great. Probably won't have much time to try it out though until I get back home. Can't check in with my Doc about Zofran(I think that was what they gave me back then? Under your tongue?) until after the trip(leave tomorrow morning), but I will definitely try the Dramamine! Know of it, but never had a need before... Don't know what's up with my digestion system either....so many noises going on in there. Like a bowling tournament! Definitely TMI! LOL Thanks for all of your insight Hurricane!

Sorry Hurricane! But as an ammendment to my last Post, I'm getting a little concerned about this up and down nausea and the trip. My wife and I will be going out to Dinner with a retiree of my her company and his spouse Friday/Saturday nights. You mentioned that you use Zofran. Is that a prescription or OTC? From you own personal experience, do you recommend that or anything else? Never expected THIS to be an issue for me....but.

Just remembered! LOL Another day of no appetite and very close to nausea. Can this all be the WB? Never happened in the past. I hope getting up to 300mg doesn't make it even worse.

Far from manic Hurricane! ALL very meaningful comments for ME! Although, never having had Cancer(yet) to compare, I must say that my most depressive episodes(about 2 in the 80's w/o any meds...2 again in 97/98, which was probably the most intense...and then again in 2010/11 while wrongly switching meds with minimal titration) were the most 'painful' without question. Totally agree that only if someone experiences that themselves, can they relate to any of it. I guess we are a different kind of 'Survivor'? Oh yea...I actually decided to redo my DF Profile a month ago because it discouraged/depressed me to read it now. Back then, I was around 49-50(hence why I created 'MidAgeDad') and experiencing that intensity again after 10+ years...I was so desperately committed to concealing every bit of it from my kids (13ish/10ish). My Profile described it that way. What I didn't know then was how much mental torture they both would soon endure themselves! Definitely 'something' Genetic.... I suppose back then I was desperate...but hopeful? Not sure what I am anymore except in some kind of 'transition'...😬 I spoke to my Pharmacist and then PDoc about this WB Discount being limited to only 3 month prescriptions at a time and we found out that my Insurance will cover a 2nd prescription for the next 30 days of the Generic. Hopefully, the Generic 150XL won't cause any additional SE's? However, tomorrow we (wife and son) are flying down to SC for the weekend to visit our Daughter at College and also attend the SC vs. Auburn FB game. Hopefully it will be a HAPPY trip. My daughter is excited for her older Brother coming for a visit, but she has also conveyed to her Mother that she is concerned that he might drink/get unruly...the still have some baggage between the 2 of them. Most notably the Xmas debacle last year...Ugh. I'm not going to start the additional 150mg until I get back home on Sunday...just in case. Lastly! I think you mentioned a while back about your Husband liking Boats? And you just reminded me when you said you have a LakeFront home? Ditto on both! We bought a small 2nd home in 1999 when my M-I-L decided to finally retire from the grind of 2-3 jobs and being a Landlord. It is also a Lakefront and during the process, we added an additional $10K to the new Mortgage for me to purchase a Used Boat! It was always my Father's dream to have a boat...ANY boat...since he was a kid living along the River in a shack during the Depression. My Mother forbid it while I was growing up. Those next 1/2 Dozen years were the most enjoyable for me in my entire life! He and I would go out on that boat every Saturday and/or just hangout on the Dock and relax. Plus, Family life was quite peaceful and most rewarding as a Father during that time period. The Boat has been sitting in my backyard for about 15 years! Engine/Drive should be Ok with a little TLC, but the last thing I stupidly had done back in 2006(?), was to rip out the whole dashboard...never found the time(and $$) to get it all back in shape. But I can assure you of this...that is in my future somehow/sometime/someway! In fact, we have 1 more trip after this one(yea, my wife is a Social Butterfly unlike me) in early December in Miami. Another Post Wedding celebration because of COVID. She added a couple of extra days to the trip because she knows how excited I get around the (warm) waters and especially Boat Marinas! There was something else I wanted to say...LOL...but my aging brain forgot!

Hi Hurricane! Ugh...so selfish of me that I haven't mentioned anything about your bout(s?) with the big C! Chemo, radiation, etc....! Noone should have to go through that torture! The old saying "what doesn't **** you makes you stronger"...? Not sure if I agree with that sometimes/many times. I know YOU are stronger for it though. Not sure how I would have held up... Just wanted to get that out to you ASAP! Got my newly found Chef hat on at the moment. Trying some "Low Carb" recipes... "Cha Cha Chia"(instead of breadcrumb mix) Meatballs...and testing another batch of Low-Carb stuffing in preparation for next week, so can't elaborate. But...Yes, ever since my Doc beat me up in late 2018 for passing from Pre-Diabetes to full blown Type II, I have mostly tried to get more healthy. Lost a ton of weight on Keto right after that and seemingly reversed it within 3 - 6 months. No, I couldn't stay on Keto very long mostly because of my then lack of variety with food. However, like you I try to stay Low-Carb for the most part. Along with that, I am very consistent with some good daily Supplements(alot from Thorne Research). Funny you brought up Magnesium. I was all over that for a while for sleep/anxiety assistance. But I overdid it. Caused all kinds of 'digestive' issues. Found out that the 'Glycine' combined version is much easier to the system, but I still get problems if I up the dosage. TTYS!!!!

Good morning Hurricane. A quick few comments first... My Mother was not like you at all. She was never able to develop any wisdom about any part of her world/life...ever. Sometimes she was quite cruel in different ways to all that she was closest too. Instead of searching for that wisdom/peace, one of her many flaws was to allow racism towards her and immediate family while growing up(Italian with Immigrant Parents) to build that same prejudice towards others. Even my wife(born in South America and came here with her Mother when she was 8), who was ALWAYS kind and respectful towards her. But enough about my Mother. I have forgiven her finally now that she is gone. Well, I shouldn't say it that way. Especially not HERE. I am still TRYING to forgive her TBTH. And the "blewup and unravelling" wasn't as much regarding me myself...although in hindsight, my mental health did begin to slowly/intermittingly decline after a solid 10 years... following my original PDoc's sudden death in 2007 and then allowing a few other PDocs screw around with my meds. No...what I was implying was related to my Son's 2 close friends dying horribly in that car crash when he was 16. It was diagnosed as PTSD. Why him and not anyone else close? Who knows...again, maybe it's genetic..? But that caused all kinds of collateral damage...even with his younger Sister, who I think might have been a bit neglected(?) at times, while our constant Parental attention/concern was focused on him. Only recently has he been showing signs of finally putting it behind him and digging out of that deep rut. You know me, I can go on and on...! But as you typically do Hurricane, you again struck a chord...: 2 extremely significant things I need to get off my chest here...well 1 I guess. Firstly, I have been underplaying my lack of appetite...I guess it's from the WB? I am still not sure. It's not because I'm dealing with deep anxiety/depression as much as I just have no desire to eat? I guess I have welcomed this SE because I really wanted to lose some weight(20+ pounds since late Sept). Very odd for me to be this way. But the hardest thing to admit...and I still am able to conceal it well at home....I have battled intermittently with the chronic use of alcohol for most of my adult life. There. I said it!

You are awesome Hurricane! No...I won't apologize about my intermittent activity here on DF as you requested...But I do think that I did drop too much TMI...believe me, there is alot more between the lines... As you have already said...pretty impossible for any of us to get through life unscathed...it's all part of the process? IDK...still haven't come to grips with that. Again...not sure if you had a chance to read my initial DF Profile from 2010-11. After reading it myself 10 years later...wow, what I didn't know what would transpire! IDK...regardless of my own issues that I kept a well guarded secret(unlike my own Mother while I was growing up)...while most things seemed to going as good as I could hope for with our kids...that horrific car accident occurred in 2014... Can it be genetic? Prior to that, I felt that I was doing such a good job as a Parent...while also keeping my own issues a very hidden secret. After that? It all just blew up and unravelled... Now, despite all of my regrets(?), all I can do is still be what I always wanted to be...a postive role miodel for both my kids. But so many battle scars/wounds have now been brought to the surface... It's now a whole new ballgame. I hate to be a DOWNER...time will tell. Holidays will be challenge. On the meds side...my great discount on the Brand WB will not allow me to get an increase until after the full 90 Days(end of year). I called my Pharmacy today to find out if my Insurance will accept another prescription for Generic Bupropion (150mg) that I can add for just 1 month. I ws on Hold for over 1/2 hour and gave up. Be in touch!

Hi Hurricane! Just finished a TeleHealth call with my PDoc. Very enlightening 1/2 hour! We are still kinda in the getting to know each other phase...especially for him. I told him a bit about my initial couple weeks on WB XL back early last month and some depressive moments, but that it appears to have gotten much better as the weeks progressed. What I didn't mentioned was my current lack of appetite(which I am welcoming for now!), some trembling/shakiness in my hands and more pronounced clenching of my teeth 😬. However, as of right now, I'm not too concerned about these SE's. Bottom line though, he agreed for me to double up my WB to 300mg ASAP, since we also discussed my annual SAD/Holiday Season issues that have always affected me to a greater or lesser degree. And as I've mentioned to you already, my wife is typically(purposely I think) oblivious of basically ALL of these bumps in (my) road. And to top it off, last XMas Eve was an absolutely horrific time for us as a family. That was when our son had finally gone too far with his Alcohol/Benzo abuse...it was so bad after bizarre behavior for hours that my Daughter called the Police. We didn't press charges for anything(noone was hurt "physically"), but he was driven to his friend's home by the Police...my wife not allowing him to come home until he committed to finding some kind of treatment. He remained at his Grandmother's home until the following Monday, where I picked him up and brought him to an Outpatient facility...for the next 6 weeks...3-4 times p/week. As I said, it all is behind him/US(!), but not for my wife. She has occasionally told me of her angst regarding these memories...and I'm sure will more often as the Holidays draw nearer. How in the world did I become the rock(???) that TRIES to hold it all together around here??? If ANY of my Family really understood MY struggles! But then again, I know I am not alone in that regard. However, you AND your husband certainly have worked very hard to understand each other much deeper...not sure if that will ever happen here...IDK...maybe as long as things don't get too intense for me...maybe it's a good thing(?) for my overall self esteem to be this way? I suppose as long as I have my own outlet(s) to vent...! Enough with that...! My PDoc and I also discussed possibly seeing a Urologist for the very Low Testosterone levels I was told I have a couple of years back. Although, I would need alot of convincing regarding any TRT, because of some of the possible risk factors. Hope to talk some more! M.A.D. out...

I totally understand your bitterness. I do. In so many circumstances I'm very tempted to react the same way, but I hope we can find some kind of forgiveness in our souls. I hear about it all the time but have not been able to put the work into doing something to change things within myself. I want to...but don't know how.

I also think they are a joke, but those are the ones that I've failed miserablly to deal with 'correctly'...every single one. And my inability to 'successfully' handle each and every one of these despicable human beings still haunts me many years later to this day. I always felt compelled to somehow oppose them in some greater or lesser way, but I was woefully inadequate. Just being honest with myself. That is what I see when I look in the mirror everyday...why couldn't I have been more 'something(?)' ... Still don't have a clue as to making peace with that. And now that I have somehow entered a kind of 'reflection phase' of my life...it is bringing me VERY DOWN to now come to grips with all of it.

Hi Hurricane! No worries! My wife and I(willingly? LOL) flew up to Michigan early last Thursday for a post wedding celebration and a bunch of visits with co-workers of hers. We just got back last night. My bad...! I was trying to get back to you from your Post earlier last week, but ran out of time and I didn't bring my laptop with me. Still settling back in and will reply more later on, but just wanted to check in after almost a week of being 'offline'(socializing with people I mostly don't know...yay! 😬)

Hi Hurricane! Just checking in to see how you are doing. How is the anxiety? I have had so many ebbs and flows with anxiety most of my life. I have to say though that the 3-4 month Remeron experiment recently curbed my anxiety completely...but the flipside of well known SE's wasn't worth the tradeoff. Oh well. We move onward...right? Is the Synthroid dosage more manageble now?