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Everything posted by a400488

  1. Thanks for chiming in, PO. Most of what you said came across as two-faced and prim, but considering that YOU have made 1,200 posts in approximately 90 days, I wouldn't expect a great deal of A-grade material from a member of "our" family. But, whatever, you've got a college football team ("Roll-Tide- enough said") to root for, so I'll let YOU get back to greiving, good sir.
  2. "My advice is to stop being so self-centered." What you said to me. Any way good luck and I hope you get better!
  3. Hi Derpytia! It sounds like you're having a rough go of it. Life can be so mean! But you know what? You started a thread yesterday and got 4 responses in like 19 hours. I started one 2 days ago and only 1 person had the decenecy to respond. So, hey at least you're getting that, huh?
  4. Hi DP! Things are not going so well for you, huh? Sorry to hear that. When you say that you can't take a bath or a shower without "doing something stupid", would you care to elaborate? I mean, you are remembering to start the water before you put soap in your hair right? Also, what type of keeps getting thrown in your way? It sounds like your sister is a problem. Has it always been this way with her? Is she your older or younger sis? We're here for you...
  5. I take the time to respond carefully and thoughtfully to threads started by people in emotional pain. I turned to this forum 2 days ago thinking that that would be recipricated. Y'know how many replies I got? Actually, "replies" isn't the right word- "reply" is appropriate b/c only one person, Hertz, had the decency to respond. I came to this forum b/c the world is a cold and uncaring place and, due to some unexplainable flash of logic, I thought "a forum for depressive people would likely seek help those in need." How stupid I obviously was! Maybe I should try going onto threads and typing "Hi! I'm just like everyone else and read your pain, but am not going to respond!" Thanks guys, you're all a bunch of winners.
  6. Hi LSB! Sorry to hear about your negative experience. It really sucks that someone we're supposed to be able to trust and who should make us feel better fails to deliver on both counts. I mean, why go to a therapist if you only feel worse afterwards, right? I would like to second what Epictetus said: 1) any mistakes you may have made in your life have got to be a teeny percentage compared to the ones you've done right 2) your feelings over past scenarios just proves that you're in touch with your feelings and, if anything, is a good sign. Do you know how many people make serious and grave mistakes and decisions, and only feel some lament much later (if ever). Like instead of 32, it's usually more like 82. Speaking of which, it seems like you're feeling an intense pressure to move out and all that. Keep in mind, the old norms of being a parent yourself and married by 25 at the latest are gone. That's the old way. For better or worse, there's not this line in the sand anymore, nor is there the social stigma attached to not complying with it. They say 50 is the new 40. By that estimation, you can apply a 10 year discount, and lemme punch this in the calculator...and blamo- you're 22! (balloons drop from ceiling) And for what it's worth, on paper I got 2 years on ya, and I live at my mom's, my job history is "checkered", I don't have any romantic prospects in my life but I don't feel 34. See, I think there's this whole new thing where we get to have our "thwenties". Like, we're done with school, we're getting out there in the "real world" but underneath it all we can still be these evolving little goobers. I mean , look at actual 23 year olds these days: they're 13. The house, the car, the 2.5 kids, the picket fence- that 's optional at our stage anymore. The road map to getting there, if you chose to, has many more routes and pitstops along the way. And isn't that the best part of trips- stopping along the way and getting some greasy food and stretching your legs and realizing there's still something cool to get to. There's still time left before the sun sets, songbird, there's still time... And I think it's a good sign that you were open and honest enough to let her know at the end how you felt. I would be inclined to believe when she said she didn't think you are weird that she was, in fact, being sincere. I mean, can you imagine some of the stuff she's heard over the years? You are so not a freak. I would say give her one more try and let her know how you felt and everything. If she's worth her salt then she will address your concerns and she will make you feel that she's on your side. If not, cut her lose and find another one- that's all. Would like to hear what you have to say.
  7. Hi Highanxiety. Sorry to hear about how things are for you. That must have tough to see your mom in such bad shape back in the day. How old were you? It seems odd to me that your dad and sister contributed to her misery. How do you think their faction (dad & sis) of the family use your mom's condition to their advantage? It sounds to me like dad bullied mom around. That's how it was in my family. My sister was molded out of my dad and me from my mom. Both me and my mom spent all those years being subtly (sometimes not) bullied and manipulated, blamed and shamed by him and my sister (tacitly), because deep down my father resented the fact that he had all this responsibility (due to the existence of me and my mom) when all that he really wanted to do was work on his classic car(s) and work on projects in his woodshop. How was and is your relationship with them? I'm wondering if that's the "briar patch" we need to look into to find that trigger...
  8. Have you ever told her after she tells you to suck it up "Easy for you to say." It really bugs me when people from an older generation (when the pace of the world was inherently slower) act like they know what it's like these days. I'm not that old (not young either) but can tell things were just more laid back even from when I was a child in the early 1980s. It feels like the whole thing is running really fast and the wheels are about to spin off. I think camping was a good idea since it is cheap to do (if you have all the gear) and gets you out of the house. Do you have any creative outlets (music, art, etc) or physical activities (running, weight lifting, team sports, etc)? Working in a hospital is a stressful place- even non-patient facing. I don't think I could do it. All those smart, mean doctors and pushy nurses; numbers obsessed middle-managers and constant interference from insurance companies and governmental red-tape. As far as feeling weak and inferior the only way that that's valid is if she also does the exact same work in the exact same place right now. Otherwise, there are just too many variables for her to objectively determine that your feelings are not based in reality and somehow unwarranted.
  9. I mean, Tim said he thought I was her type. We all 3 went to the music festival and saw amazing shows. She and I had interesting conversations. All the pieces were in place. I texted her a couple (seperate) times after we got back and never even got a response. Few weeks go by and I hear from Tim. I ask about him about her. "Yeah, she's been spending all her time with that guy she was kinda talking to before we left..." Off in the distance in my mind's eye I see that familiar scene: an overcast sky looming over choppy waters is a beat up canoe. In it sits a lone man. That man is me. Alone and adrift. The wind wears me down not with fearsome gusts; no, that would be too easy. Rather, the wind, cold and damp, slowly erodes me, until what luster might have once been there, in the previous decade, is scoured down to nothing. I'm not a man, I'm a statue; I'm a statue sitting in a canoe in the middle of the ocean. Either, the canoe (body) will finally give way under the continual strain and I'll plummet into the abyss to never be seen or heard from again (death/suicide), or the boat will eventually wash ashore and someone will wander along the edges of the great water, puzzled at a statue in a canoe (insanity). 6 years is a long haul. 6 years in romantic isolation. Many people start to question themselves after 6 months. I've been trying. I've been talking to girls when I can, going on to dating websites, even going out on the occasional date- when a girl is serious enough to actually do so and if I haven't tripped some girl-sensor on the bank of switches, triggers, and blinky lights. Of course, if they do show up, they see my ginger hair, they see the abundant acne scars and freckels, and- most damning- they see how short I am. And then that's that. More weeks or months (or longer) of desolation and *************. I can't remember what a relationhip feels like. I can't remember what a woman feels like. I can't even remember what it feels like to be a man. They always shoot me down. They never want to chat. They never give me "the look." I have been with friends and for them girls look at them in the parking lot. They flirt at the register. There's movement. If I could just get a little conductivity, a little friction, I could build a fire. But instead I just spin my wheels. I'm 34 and have had 2 girlfriends my entire life. The last time I felt love was when I first started dating my last gilfriend. That was 9 years ago. I'm tired of not having someone to go to shows with. I'm tired of going to restaurants alone. I'm tired of spending holidays alone. Alone. Always. So. Alone. Even statues must sleep.
  10. Despondent Defeated Deposed
  11. Hi EB. I am so glad to read this all of this (as I'm sure everyone else is too). Sounds like things are really turning around for you, for sure. And since you made it through that hellhole, just think how much stronger and more insightful you are for it...
  12. Hi MrFrenzy, Your post resonates with me, so I hope I can help, even if only a little. Right off, you didn't **** her (or a part of her), or what you two had together. It was a relationship, not a dictatorship. Sure, whatever behavior, real or imagined, you were responsible for, it was a two-way street. No matter how dark that street was for her, she was not a helpless captive. If there were deep, mortal cuts to that relationship, she was holding out either out of sincere hope that her worst fears wouldn't be realized, or her intuition heard the freight train barreling down the tracks and she held on just to rake your balls over the coals later. In a weird way, we're giving ourselves too much credit as the "man" (figuratively as well as literally) when we think that we, like some knock-off Cobra Commanders, point our fingers menacingly at all those helpless "she's" and yell "CCCCOOOBBBRRAAAAAHHHH!" As "highanxiety" noted above, whatever mistakes were made, try and let yourself off the hook: you're human. If you weren't, this regret wouldn't exist. Now, as is often the case in a format like this, I feel like we're getting part of the picture, but could use some more passes to sculpt something we can really get our hands on and work with. Jesus, by that last statement I guess my own anhedonia is on the wane. Anyway, lemme just ask a few questions to see if we can get at the root of this whole thing. Oh...- I just said "root". So, NYC. Born & raised or did you go there for the education? Maybe it's the $6 peanut butter that lured you there; God, I miss that awful, wonderful city. What's your field of study; I mean, what's your deal? Assuming she walked up and said "Let's roll back the clock" what does that alternate future look like for you- besides the house and kids and Brita-filters changed every 3 months, cuz life is good and what the **** it's only $40 for the 3-pack and I'm about to make it rain at this register at Kohl's, g'D***it! I mean, what used to motivate you in the before time- before "her" and "it". When you say "prestigious" I'm guessing Columbia? NYU? Irregardless, hats off to you! Living there is an education in and of itself, without having to deal with the rigors of university. I'm just wondering because it caught me how two linked themes in your posts seem dominant: death and discipline. Death: a) "The flame inside has died, there's nothing..." b) "...felt as if i’ve killed someone, her" c)"...did the m*****" d) "...didn't wanna live anymore" e)"....spiritual suicide" Discipline: a) "I do want a nice girl, a big family, and many other things" b) "I just don't have the want, nor the discipline to achieve" c)"it would enable me get better and do other things" d) "...denying myself the possibility to even succeed, because? It is more comfortable..." There are no wrong answers, friend. Let us know what you think.
  13. The day that my boss sat down with me and my co-worker to talk about that whole thing, the focus was completely on me and not on my co-worker's behavior at all. My boss allowed him to sit there and railroad me for the things I had said, and I could even tell he was high during that meeting. The whole situation was so screwed up. I can't even tell you how angry inside it left me. I sat there feeling two inches tall, apologizing all over myself even though I didn't feel I had really done anything wrong. But the guy was such a manipulator, as if he'd done nothing all his life but learn how to twist people's words around and shift the focus off of him and keep it off of him. There's more to this story. I mean, was this guy at one point prior to when you crossed paths with him some kind of stellar performer? Hate to get all Robert Stack on you here but there had to be some reason or reasons why this goblin was allowed to be so bad for so long. Was he personal friends or romantically involved with someone else previously or at that time? Did he possibly (I'm hoping I don't offend anyone) satisfy some kind of quota for the department or company? Might he have had dirt on company operations or personnel? Was there a charming side to him he used to his advantage that he didn't see necessary to use with you directly? Was he good-looking or did he have some creative personal talent (musical, etc), other than bullxxxxxxxx? Family connections or status within the greater community (ie related to some attorney/judge or the like)? Irregardless of the validity of the reason(s) why this continued as it did, there has got to be a reason. This is a mystery. Let's see if we can shed some light on this "case". Think outside of the box- use that creative side of yourself. Enlighten us, EB. We're all ears...
  14. I am. Well, I ran out and haven't been to the doc to get it refilled yet. But yes, I have found it very beneficial in both getting to sleep and getting better sleep. But I will say this: be cautious with it. I mean it is a drug. There is heat there. I've done things like made food w/o really being conscious of it and then sort of remembering the next day. I've commented on youtube videos and stuff like that and then gone back and been like "Okay, that's a quirky thing to say." Be sure that the only thing you're going to be doing after you take it is laying down. Upon running out of my first bottle I went back to OTC sleep meds and the first 2 nights I didn't really get to sleep and when I managed to "cross over" I had long and suspenseful dreams. Some people develop such a tolerance for the stuff that they take 5 or 6 pills a night. However, for occasional use or short periods of regular use it is quite effective. In a nutshell: it's Viagra for your sleep...
  15. ...but here I am again on a Saturday: alone, bored, nothing to wake up for in the morning. I really wanted to make it to a month. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not a drunkard with the shakes who's never sober. I only drink on Saturdays, because they're the hardest. There's this feeling in me of freedom (from work) from the drudgery of entry-level employment, but there's this unending sadness that while I'm out trying to enjoy the world unfettered, everyone else in it is out there with friends and romances. How simple of a joy would it be to get a cup of coffee and have some laughs with a cool girl or some friends. I mean, I'm sitting here in a coffee shop right now surrounded by people doing just that. Just like I do many weekends. Yes, I've tried online dating, but in my experience, those sites are just soup-kitchens for nerdy guys and shlubby girls. It's like "Hi, I'm Dan and as you can sense already, I haven't had sex in over 6 years. Good to meet you!" It's just an insurmountable task breaking the cycle when you live in a working-class area of the Blue-Ridge Mountains- a Siberia of romance and dating. Yes, I've tried getting involved with people who have the same interest/hobbies as me. I'm really into photography, and there is an online club that meets every so often for picture outings, but everybody in it is old and boring and unfunny. That sounds s***ty, I know, but ******* if it isn't true. Plus the stuff that you have to take pictures of around here is just uninteresting to me. It's all nature and plants and I mean, aren't there enough pictures in the world of that stuff anyway? The sun is setting outside and I could stroll around the corner and get something to eat. But then I'd be sitting there alone again while all the college kids carry-on and revel in life all around me while I chew on a sandwich and stare into the table.Or I could get something to go and take it home and eat with my depressing old mother while another episode of Law & Order drones on in the background. I mean, it's be great to make it another weekend without imbibing on that sweet boredom tonic called alcohol, but holy , the sun's not yet set and I feel like jabbing myself in the thigh with a fork just to feel alive for a minute. How did did life become this unfulfilling? Where did I get going in the wrong direction? Or maybe more importantly- was I ever really going in the right direction? It's beginning to dawn on me slowly that I've always been a loser, and it's been an open secret that nobody's admitted to me. Oh well, I guess I'm pouring cups of water into the ocean right now. Time to start the slow countdown to alcohol-induced oblivion, and for a fleeting moment feel as peaceful as a spruce tree in winter.
  16. Seems like I'm just in a constant fog, unable to laugh or feel the spark in the mind that I once had long ago. Maybe it's not anhedonia but some other manifestation of depression, but I stumbled onto this thread a few days ago and it seems to fit my demeanor. Really, I don't ********* that much. I used to be an average once-a-day type, but a few years ago I cut it down to once every 2 or 3 days, out of...wisdom? I guess I just got tired of it and figured "I know what's gonna happen here. Do I really need this every single day?" Besides, that makes it better when it does go down, right? And maybe that just makes it worse.Maybe those with more knowledgeable can throw their .02 in here. See, I'm thinking maybe, just maybe, that without a complete and total cutting out of "it", by decreasing the occurrences the (fewer) experiences are that much more intense, resulting in the brain being even more flooded with chemicals/hormones upon commencement, leaving you further out to sea later on. Not sure what I'm gonna do. I have no girlfriend, social life, money, career, religion, or future. I don't smoke, do drugs, gamble, or gorge on food. Jacking-off every 2 or 3 days is about all I have to look forward to on a continual basis. It's sad, but true. And sure, you can go down the whole road of "Well, if you made efforts toward having a more fulfilling life (romance, friends, career,etc) this wouldn't be an issue." But that's a topic for another thread. My point is this: I just said told myself that I was gonna hold off on doing the deed for as long as I could. You know how long I made it? Two days. Jesus Christ.
  17. Hey at least you've got a fiance, right?
  18. Congrats on sticking it out as a temp. 9 months is no small stretch in the temp world. I have seen and experienced what you're talking about with the "you're new and lower and than whales***" tribulations. It's not something I understand. I guess most of those shlubby blue-collar rat-faced people in the world have all come up from cruel & unforgiving homes- where the struggle for dominance is so atomized it goes right down to the core: sibling versus sibling, spouse versus spouse, child versus parent. It is a low and unenlightened sensibility which constantly tries to revenge the many tiny stings it has suffered in the brutal day-to-day struggle for survival. Ultimately, they act out of habit, doing the only thing they've ever known, which is satiating the unquenchable thirst of the ego one lash at a time. I guess you did the right thing by resisting the urge to walk out on Sunday. Who knows how long it'd be before you get another non-temp gig. Wish I could tell you how I deal with "them" but I'm not sure how I do it myself. Drinking, jacking-off, spending money on video games, eating bad food. In short, (i do it) badly. And it's admirable that you're working towards getting a new car (a nice one at that). It's understandable that you're not feeling excited about the new ride. It drains your very being to be stuck in that environment and in the end I guess the only thing that can keep you going is something on the other side worth...fighting for. A new car, your own place to live, a new place to live- some form of existence that's better than the current one. I'm hoping that if nothing else, all this struggle will come through in your music. I mean, that's worth fighting for, right?
  19. Really sucks being not only depressed but fatigued as well. Positive change is what you need when you're in this state but how are you supposed to change anything when you can barely get out of bed at noon? Not having taken any of those drugs myself I can't say for sure but I thought lithium was known for really grogging you out...
  20. You are an academic- your SAT & ACT scores support that. So, you like analyzing, asking questions, and, (Oxford comma) bettering the world -via solar cells. If you're doing those things, then why the misery? I mean, some part of the pizza is missing...
  21. You stand in darkness. Utter ****ing darkness. A glowing portal opens up to your parents. They are dumbfounded and look at you on the other side, startled and unsure what to say to you. What do you tell them?
  22. Oh my goodness, it's such a source of stress. Like Rhyl I work in phone-based customer support except I have always been on the phone 100% of the time. I'm so sick of it. Been doing it for over a decade now and I think my perception of reality is morphing. I listen and interact well with the clients but in my head I'm dissociating and I'll ask people the same questions twice because while they're jabbering on for the equivalent of 5 paragraphs, my mind is just wandering. It's really a tundra in my mind filled with the glaciers and ice bergs of memories and dreams from back when there was still time and hope. I'm glad that some of us on here get something back from work, besides added emotional pain and a paltry paycheck...
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