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Everything posted by Whimberry

  1. i wanted to just accept your view on being spotted by predators, but, i know that, in fact, they do see easy victims.... just like a pedophile goes after children who are alone, loners, etc... i am want they look for, i know that to be true.... and i'm scared. can't turn off the fear. too recent experience with it.
  2. thank you very much. boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.(are on my mind)....just have had a lot of people plow right through them. will try hard not to obsess, you are right, that can't be a good thing. and i was in therapy specifically for learning how to say no, and did see a lot of progress on that. some people won't take no. sorry, i don't mean to be so negative. okay, forward march here.
  3. (mods, please delete this if you think it makes me unsafe, ...) i have a problem, because, i have lifelong traits that are exactly what a predator sees and searches out for. i am naturally naive, passive mostly, vulnerable, very low self-esteem, too nice, don't think anyone would be attracted to me(which is false), wanting to please, shy, if i love the person enough the relationship will be good, easily influenced, bad boundaries, nurturing to the wrong people, shame, self-doubt, wanting to be rescued or to rescue, motivated by others instead of myself, not good at saying 'no', etc... can i change these things, especially if life-long??? i can hide them sometimes. i can stay inside so no one sees them. i physically protect myself. i can become a black belt, i suppose. but, even i can almost smell the vibes i give off in real life. i do try to walk with my head held high, arms swinging at my side, swiveling my head side to side, on alert, high alert. i heard to act like a cat does when they go outside, so careful like that. but, i've also heard people don't really change, not really. it is desperately depressing. anyone know if it's possible to change?
  4. best of luck to you on doing your huge thing today...i guess sometimes life forces us into action whether we want it or not. this sounds trite, but, if i pretend that someone is coming over to my house for a visit(which is rare, really), then it motivates me to clean. or take a shower, etc... otherwise, forget it. metaphor, hmm..how about...batten down the hatches, hoist your flag and raise it up,...all hands on deck, spring into action,...think of your day as charged with electricity...bite the bullet... hope your day goes well.
  5. sighs along side you. take gentle care.
  6. as a young child, the depression happened gradually, but, the the self-hatred hit instantly, and has lingered a lifetime. but, this particular depression i am in right now, was instant. bad crisis. i keep posting here to not be all alone, which is good, i think. i've heard , too, that if we give(sometimes what we need from others) that it can help with all the feelings i am having, so, i am doing that.
  7. tunnel vision or faint double-images can be from med's, i think, i had that tunnel vision. not with black, just focusing straight ahead, not seeing the world around me, only straight ahead. went away, was glad.
  8. i've done that, too. speeding over, being 'fine' at pdoc apptmt.'s. if you feel like it , though, maybe you could call and talk to the nurse, she can ask about med increase, etc... gotta take care of yourself.
  9. i don't know if this has been posted before, but, i saw this on youtube recently.
  10. i just googled why we make those ghost sounds during nightmares, and it called it sleep paralysis. this is what i found, and seems to really make sense. " Explanation - Inability to move is the main symptom of sleep paralysis. Here’s what happens. As most of us know, we dream during the deep REM (Rapid Eye Movement) stage of sleep. During this stage, the brain turns off most of its body’s muscle function. This is done to prevent a person from actually acting out his/her dreams. This way dreams remain dreams and don’t become actions. This is called muscular atonia. It basically means that the body becomes temporarily paralyzed. But sometimes when we wake up during REM sleep, the brain does not come out of the dream state. This is what leads to sleep paralysis. So the person is conscious but is unable to move. " also, it said to sleep on your side, not on your back. half-awake, half-asleep. blech.
  11. lol, ramble on, hee hee. i really do like the dream interpretation thingy. seems pretty accurate half the time. snakes, yuck. it seems there should be a medication specifically for nightmares. with all this incredible technology, you'd think they could come up with something. hugs about the ghost sounds, shivers... hate that here.
  12. i know i'm smoking too many when the back of my throat hurts. maybe a motivation to cut back could be that food will taste more yummy, taste buds will heal up some. good-luck to you.
  13. hang in there. yes, i get angry. yesterday i was screaming at the top of my lungs(in my car, parked in a quiet place). hating who i am, just, who i am. unfortunately, i hate who i am right now. i was going over the list of who i am, and was soooo angry. my actual personality traits that have been formed over a lifetime. who i am is not going to work to keep me safe. take gentle care. hope you feel better.
  14. i bite mine till they bleed, not so aware that i'm doing it at the time. nervous habit. hope you can grow yours in sometime, might really like how pretty they can look for you. :) could be fun to pick colors of polish for them, too.
  15. eye contact lately causes me actual, real physical pain. can't explain how it was beaten out of me, but, it feels forbidden and terrifying. i think eye contact is going to be an on-going problem for me for awhile. as is touch, as well. i have to get a grip on screaming every time someone touches me. even a door touching me is unbearable. sorry, went off the eye contact topic there. sigh.
  16. Very gentle hugs, if that is okay. I hear you on always knowing where the quickest exit from a room would be, always having my back and body in the absolute best position to protect myself. Agrophobia is awful, yes, I have it, lately bad. I am happy that sometimes it fades for you. Also does for me, thank goodness. There's so much out there in this big, beautiful world, and it is so sad to miss out on it. Even just daydreaming about the sunset, or the moon and stars at night might help you brave stepping out, breathing in some clean, crisp, fresh air. Or more, when you are ready. Take courage to overcome it. Courage, I mean for me, that is. Thinking of you.
  17. If a doctor or nurse or just someone who can help would be willing for you to communicate through email at first, maybe that would be doable for you. Or phonecalls. I've met my doctor in the lobby and talked there, was too afraid of being in his closed office. Only needed to a couple times, but, helped alot.
  18. I don't know if it will help you to know you are not alone in it. I've had the screaming nightmares most of my life, started quite young. Am currently having awful nightmares every single night without fail. The screaming in my sleep is really creepy at times, it's very loud, and sometimes I wail in this scary 'ghost-like' voice, scares me, I can hear myself, but, can't get myself to wake up. Sorry, didn't mean to ramble about myself. I hope you have relief from yours soon. And that you can rest easy. Maybe even wake up happy without any night terrors. Wishing you the best.
  19. It all comes down to long-suffering patience, for me. With some hope mixed in. Love. And my ability to laugh, to hang onto my sense of humor even in the bleakest times; without it...idk, without the tiny bubbles of joy that humor brings, I don't think I'd be able to wait it out, to brave it out. Even when all of these are not present, it is still...the abiltiy to persevere, to , I don't know how to say it, I guess just alot of experience with long-suffering, that's how I'd best explain it.
  20. "This is me becoming a cougar".........unknown. Helps me because, I think sometimes we have to find the inner strength to survive things. was good to read through the quotes, etc... here.
  21. I have a bizarre relationship with cleaning. when i'm nervous, anxiety, I clean tons. Even sometimes with depression I clean, slowly, getting not much done, but, takes my mind off of things. but, then when I'm happy, it gets messy. go figure. lol
  22. one of the side effects I am having from this depression is eatting 4 gallons of icecream in 4 days, lol. for real. with all the toppings. eek!
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