Whimberry

i wanted to just accept your view on being spotted by predators, but, i know that, in fact, they do see easy victims.... just like a pedophile goes after children who are alone, loners, etc... i am want they look for, i know that to be true.... and i'm scared. can't turn off the fear. too recent experience with it.

thank you very much. boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.(are on my mind)....just have had a lot of people plow right through them. will try hard not to obsess, you are right, that can't be a good thing. and i was in therapy specifically for learning how to say no, and did see a lot of progress on that. some people won't take no. sorry, i don't mean to be so negative. okay, forward march here.

(mods, please delete this if you think it makes me unsafe, ...) i have a problem, because, i have lifelong traits that are exactly what a predator sees and searches out for. i am naturally naive, passive mostly, vulnerable, very low self-esteem, too nice, don't think anyone would be attracted to me(which is false), wanting to please, shy, if i love the person enough the relationship will be good, easily influenced, bad boundaries, nurturing to the wrong people, shame, self-doubt, wanting to be rescued or to rescue, motivated by others instead of myself, not good at saying 'no', etc... can i change these things, especially if life-long??? i can hide them sometimes. i can stay inside so no one sees them. i physically protect myself. i can become a black belt, i suppose. but, even i can almost smell the vibes i give off in real life. i do try to walk with my head held high, arms swinging at my side, swiveling my head side to side, on alert, high alert. i heard to act like a cat does when they go outside, so careful like that. but, i've also heard people don't really change, not really. it is desperately depressing. anyone know if it's possible to change?

best of luck to you on doing your huge thing today...i guess sometimes life forces us into action whether we want it or not. this sounds trite, but, if i pretend that someone is coming over to my house for a visit(which is rare, really), then it motivates me to clean. or take a shower, etc... otherwise, forget it. metaphor, hmm..how about...batten down the hatches, hoist your flag and raise it up,...all hands on deck, spring into action,...think of your day as charged with electricity...bite the bullet... hope your day goes well.

sighs along side you. take gentle care.

as a young child, the depression happened gradually, but, the the self-hatred hit instantly, and has lingered a lifetime. but, this particular depression i am in right now, was instant. bad crisis. i keep posting here to not be all alone, which is good, i think. i've heard , too, that if we give(sometimes what we need from others) that it can help with all the feelings i am having, so, i am doing that.

thank-you, that was very kind.

tunnel vision or faint double-images can be from med's, i think, i had that tunnel vision. not with black, just focusing straight ahead, not seeing the world around me, only straight ahead. went away, was glad.

i've done that, too. speeding over, being 'fine' at pdoc apptmt.'s. if you feel like it , though, maybe you could call and talk to the nurse, she can ask about med increase, etc... gotta take care of yourself.

i don't know if this has been posted before, but, i saw this on youtube recently.

both. is completely linked to what is going on in my life.

i just googled why we make those ghost sounds during nightmares, and it called it sleep paralysis. this is what i found, and seems to really make sense. " Explanation - Inability to move is the main symptom of sleep paralysis. Here’s what happens. As most of us know, we dream during the deep REM (Rapid Eye Movement) stage of sleep. During this stage, the brain turns off most of its body’s muscle function. This is done to prevent a person from actually acting out his/her dreams. This way dreams remain dreams and don’t become actions. This is called muscular atonia. It basically means that the body becomes temporarily paralyzed. But sometimes when we wake up during REM sleep, the brain does not come out of the dream state. This is what leads to sleep paralysis. So the person is conscious but is unable to move. " also, it said to sleep on your side, not on your back. half-awake, half-asleep. blech.

lol, ramble on, hee hee. i really do like the dream interpretation thingy. seems pretty accurate half the time. snakes, yuck. it seems there should be a medication specifically for nightmares. with all this incredible technology, you'd think they could come up with something. hugs about the ghost sounds, shivers... hate that here.

i know i'm smoking too many when the back of my throat hurts. maybe a motivation to cut back could be that food will taste more yummy, taste buds will heal up some. good-luck to you.

hang in there. yes, i get angry. yesterday i was screaming at the top of my lungs(in my car, parked in a quiet place). hating who i am, just, who i am. unfortunately, i hate who i am right now. i was going over the list of who i am, and was soooo angry. my actual personality traits that have been formed over a lifetime. who i am is not going to work to keep me safe. take gentle care. hope you feel better.