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Everything posted by icebaby

  1. Hello icebaby, so sorry to hear that you are feeling the way you are , how long have you been feeling this way? what do you usually find helps at all if anything? There are days like today that it takes quite an effort for me to get out of my bed at all. Im trying to gather the momentum at the moment to drive an hour to my bank and settle some business i need to do and then maybe go shopping for some clothes as i have worn everything i have to a frazzle and need to get some nice tshirts for going back to work in next week. Wish me luck!!! I hope you begin to see through those damned clouds out there soon . Speaking of clouds i live in Ireland and even in the summer all you get is clouds clouds clouds and rain on any given day, summer or winter ha ha!!! Oooh about 14 years?! To be honest not a lot helps, I generally have to ride it out. That's the way BPD rolls :( I did have some coping mechanisms however I dont use them anymore as they were mainly SI habits. Good Luck. Am not feeling like I can leave the house at the moment. I might do later, or I might just stay here. I'm in the UK and pretty much the same, clouds a plenty :(
  2. Hi, After being pushed around pillar to post for the previous 12 years I had a diagnosis of BPD (amongst other things) last year. The Adult Mental Health team sent a letter to my GP asking for them to put me on a CBT course and look at medication changes. I'm still waiting for this help. It totally depends where you live in the UK just how bad the NHS is for mental health services. It's a really good idea to get yourself some books about BPD and try to teach yourself and learn for yourself what it is and what's best to do. Last time I went to my GP for help he basically told me he couldnt help me but to try another doctor in the practice and see if any of them could help. Whenever I've been to any other in the practice they tell me they cant help me because they're not my assigned GP! My GP has even said in the past that if I was a new patient he wouldnt take me on as I'm too complicated. That's so helpful eh?
  3. Been feeling very very low. Just want to feel better.
  4. I really dont know. I just feel empty and lost and dont know what to do or feel or anything.
  5. Thank you for the support.. I'm in the UK, it's a nightmare here. I'm hoping though that there's a new doctor joining the practice soon. Really hoping that they might actually help me. :S
  6. Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86% 49% Schizoid |||||| 26% 53% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 66% 53% Antisocial |||||||||||| 42% 47% Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 90% 47% Histrionic |||||| 30% 43% Narcissistic |||||||||| 38% 41% Avoidant |||||||||||| 42% 39% Dependent |||||||||||||||||||| 86% 37% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||| 54% 40%
  7. So I thought I'd try to ask for help at the doctors. Talk about medication help, or the DBT promised to me over a year ago. He basically turned round and said he couldnt help me and that I had to go to someone else (or I could be referred back to mental health, but since I'm still waiting for an appointment from a year ago there's no real point I think) Problem is if I go to the other doctors they tell me they cant help me and that I have to go to 'my' doctor, the one I saw today. What do I have to do to get help? I need help. I asked for it and I get the door slammed in my face. Really dont know what to do now.
  8. I only wanted to find a TV program on iplayer. It wouldnt download without upgrading. It wouldnt upgrade without uninstalling the previous version. I uninstalled it. Now it wont download the new version, keeps saying an error occurred. I am now going nuts. I want to fix this. I know if I let myself I would still be here at 7am trying to fix it. I cant do that. I'm late enough as it is. I could be called in for work in a matter of hours. Trying not to freak and let myself walk away without fixing this until I have time but I know it will be on my mind until it is fixed.
  9. Dont get me wrong. I love my career. I simply hate the job I do at the moment. I never know from one day to the next whether I am working or not. I get woken by a phonecall between 7 and 9 then I have to decide whether I want to risk the place and the class who will not want me to be there. And the aminosity of the other staff there. Or I wake up taking a breath of relief at some point because the phone hasnt rung. But then I realise that it means I have another day of no pay and being alone. Just hate not knowing what Im doing. Need to know what I'm doing. I feel uptight and worried all the time. But contract jobs are very scarce. Blagh. Dont want to go to sleep because I have to go through the whole thing in the morning. But if I dont go to sleep and I do get called in I'll be even more tired. As I say I love my career, but I hate not knowing what I'm doing.
  10. So this morning I have toothache. I am petrified and paranoid. I am sure they will take it out. I'm very very scared of dentists and have lost 4 teeth in the last 5 years. Dont want to look ridiculous, especially when I've no confidence anyway, my mouth looking stupid is the last straw. I'm also just feeling lost and empty. I've joined a dating agency online and i'm fed up of seeing people saying they want someone emotionally stable. Seriously. Anyway, have the feeling I may be rambling way lots today. Dont know why, where, when or anything. Not feeling at ease.
  11. Not that I can afford. The Problem is all the groups round here are classes and I can never garuantee when I'm going to be free, also I cant afford the courses :(
  12. I need a social life. I'm fed up with being the only person who cant just call someone up when they want to go somewhere. Not all the time or anything but even once in a year or something? I have seen two friends so far this year. In 6 whole months. Two. And they werent for a long time. I just want to go out. I want even a tenth of the social life I had as a teenager. And that wasnt a big one. At uni I could go out any night, I could find somewhere, someone, whatever. I just want to go out. It's not FAIR. (and yes I know I sound like a petulant child. Right now I feel like one.)
  13. I want to go out. I want to get very very drunk. I want to laugh and dance and drink like I did when I was 17. I want to do it today, I wanted to do it last weekend, and the one before, but I have no one to go with. I have to remind myself I cant go on my own. There is no one near me who I know. I'm not sure I even know anyone who would want to go out anymore. They're all married or settled down. I want to let go, I want to let loose, I want to let myself be, even for one night. But it cant happen, it'll never happen. That makes me instead want to time travel back to being 17. The logical side of me knows I cant. The rest of me keeps fantasising about it. I want to go out, right now. Fed up of being alone. blurgh.
  14. Thank you. I think i'm going to try to write to him. Might be easier. I totally know what you mean about the walls. Some days you wish you never made them so high. ((hugs))
  15. Thank you. It's so hard and I'm fed up with having to deal with it all. It's comfort in a way knowing others feel the same way. Had another last night about a lad I really liked when I was 17. Woke up and googled him. I know though that I cant contact him as there is no way to, but I know if there was I'd be very tempted to.
  16. I need help. I need support. I have no where left to turn. It's well over a year since I was referred for DBT as a priority according to the p.doc. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting and not said anything because i'd feel like i'm being a pain. But I need help. I'm scared though. If I bring it up now I just feel like my doc will say nah you dont need it you've done fine on your own for the last year plus, but I havent, I just havent bugged him because thats what I feel like I'm doing everytime I go to him. I need something to promise me he wont turn on me. Im scared someone will say 'no we've changed our minds there's nothing wrong with you' when I know there is and I know what it is. I'm fed up of being scared of my future at least once a day. I'm scared of putting on the mask and making people think i'm fine to such an extent they actually believe me. I want someone to call me out and say no actually you're not ok we know you're not and this is what we're going to do to help you. Right now, this instant I want to smash things up, I want to scream and shout and cry and I have no idea why I want to except I feel like it's so unfair. I've been open and accepted things arent right, I've kept pushing that I knew something wasnt right until they went along with things. I know my doctor only wanted to believe that there was only a problem with my weight and nothing else was wrong.I feel like people dont believe there's anything wrong because I convince them so well nothing is wrong.
  17. I was told around 15 months ago I was being put on a priority waiting list for a DBT course... I've still heard nothing.
  18. Ok but very tough going having some bad spots mentally and still feeling a bit rough. I'm weird, Im deffo a Kinesthetic learner but sometimes a Visual one too, and if i need to know something if i write it out it sticks more in my head. I understand VAK, I try to plan most lessons to catch all types of learner, no matter how hard it is coz it's not their fault they have a certain way of learning..
  19. I totally understand your fear and hold it myself. All I can say is please hold on to the fact there are a lot of others like you. Also find out as much as you can about BPD, it can help you get your head round things and understand what is going on a little better.
  20. I quite literally cant go into a book shop without buying at least one book I currently have about 300 ive yet to read but still buy more :s
  21. OMG Lush! I'm the same! Also Books are my weakness!
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