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About shyfelyne

  • Birthday 12/24/1974

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    Maryland, USA

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  1. Oh yeah. I forgot that SR was different than the extended release. I think I have always been on the XL. Hopefully, the side effects dissipate. I really don't remember any side effects-at least bad ones. Definitely have to take it in the morning, but it doesn't and never has made me groggy. Maybe the trazodone (sp?) is interacting with it somehow. I have taken that for help sleeping in the past. I was not impressed with the results. Anyway, I'm definitely no expert. Have the side effects abated at all yet?
  2. I take 300mg of the stuff. It actually is activating for me so I take it in the morning. Maybe taking it at night could help, but it is sustained release which is why you only need to take one a day, in theory. I don't remember any grogginess or headaches, but I have always gotten a lot of headaches so maybe I just didn't notice. I do believe the side effects will abate with time.
  3. I'm not sure, but I can tell you that I was on Zoloft & took 525mcg of LSD-virtually nothing happened except disappointment. Even more recently, I take a quarter oz of mushrooms & nothing. So if SSRI's can do that, it seems that they both are competing for the same transmitters or receptors or something. The takeaway really is this: I never did any psychedelics before I started on ADs 20 some years ago & my first one worked, stopped working and now for over 20 years, I have been put on cocktail after cocktail, every once in awhile thinking maybe the first one that worked will eventually work again. Nothing since has really worked enough to make me feel like I really want to be alive. I started taking the psychedelics in a desperate attempt to just get some kind of insight or just to feel different for a while. A break I sorely need. I do not believe your use of psychedelics was a factor. This seems to be the way it goes for a lot of people no matter what they do if they have treatment resistant depression.
  4. grr. one of them days. I had half of what I wanted to say typed out & then accidentally hit the back button on my mouse & lost it. Anyway. Welcome. I am not always very active on here mostly because I find it hard to connect. I am not sure that my situation is similar enough to draw any parallels to yours, but at its core, I think I understand some of what you mean. I don't have a shopping addiction, but my coping mechanism (pot-are we allowed to talk about illegal drugs on here?) is getting very expensive so I understand that anxiety of when you have to cough up money for necessities. I don't think I have the same type of toxic environment work environment, but I have serious issues with the way they run things & how I have been there for 25 years & have gotten only a handful of modest (ridiculous enough to just be insulting) raises. But I let myself get trapped & I've found myself in job that feels like some kind of abusive relationship where I can't leave because I have nowhere else to go. Their lack of increasing my pay has made me believe that I'm only worth that & I have no skills that will get me a job that is probably any better. I feel like they probably are totally aware of that fact so don't fear losing me despite how little they pay me. My depression is pretty constant, but there have been a few times (not nearly enough) when I am more functional than others, but they seem to happen less and less frequently. Right now, I am at what feels like as low as it can get. I enjoy nothing. The few things that I could say I almost always enjoy on some level no matter how bad I felt (music & food) are gone. I've never been the kind of depressed where I lose interest in food. This is the first time. Now acquiring and choking down food is just another tedious chore in a life with no purpose. Another hassle I have to find the energy to do so I can keep breathing, in order to work, in order to make enough to continue living a life that I am seriously done with. Were it not for my cowardice & ridiculous laziness, I would definitely have ended it at this point-probably way before this point if I'm honest. I have often wondered if all I had to do is press a button to get off the ride immediately with guarantee of complete painlessness, is there anything that would keep me from eventually just pressing it, probably sooner rather than later? I can identify with the low self esteem. I had a less than an ideal upbringing, but nothing in the way of being belittled or criticized. More of a neglectful upbringing that results from being raised by alcoholics, my stepfather being the violent type & my mother being the type that would seem to say things when drunk that she knew were sure to set him off. No one was ever violent towards me though. So I really don't think I should be this messed up. I hate this. My intentions were to try to say something that might make you feel better or at least heard, but I feel like I just rambled on about myself. I hope something I said was meaningful out of it all.
  5. The most bothersome side effect is he is tired & can't seem to ever get enough sleep. We thought it was his sleep apnea, but he has been religiously using the CPAP every night for over a years & he is still so tired. He was prescribed modafanil to help but it doesn't work well. They won't prescribe him ritalin because of his schizophrenia even though one doctor some time ago did prescribe it & it worked pretty well with no effect to the effectiveness of the prolixin. But for some reason now, doctors are afraid to prescribe it to him, so I give him some of mine. He never mentioned it caused blurriness but he's always had to wear glasses so maybe it wouldn't be noticeable. I hope your friend is doing okay. Please tell me he's doing alright.
  6. My boyfriend takes it for schizophrenia. Without it, he gets delusional and his schizophrenia symptoms would return.
  7. Hi. I don't know about generalizations in different cities/countries & I don't know where you live. I can only give my opinion as an American middle aged woman. Any quality woman (in my opinion & experience only) isn't going to count you being a virgin against you at all. I find it endearing personally.
  8. I feel like I could've posted this I feel like I could've posted this. I don't exaggerate when I say many days, I get out of bed only to get food & use the bathroom. I work from home so I do that from my bed too. I dread work and wish I could just not have to work. I've spent this whole weekend just starting at Netflix trying to find stuff to watch. TV used to be one thing I kind of enjoy, but now it is just minimally preferable to staring at the ceiling. Only thing I really look forward to is sleep and I need drugs just to get that. I would love to also hear if anyone has come back from anhedonia land once they've arrived and how.
  9. Your post made me very sad. I'm afraid I have no great wisdom or advice. I can't say I know how you feel since no 2 depressions are alike. I'm sorry about your mom. I am nearly 40 and well, I don't really have any family left that I feel any connection to at all. I really have no one left to lose and I guess in a way, I'm lucky to have already gotten that out of the way. My mom died my senior year of high school from what I believe was severe alcohol withdrawal. I have so many regrets about what happened. Her sister died several years later from a illegal drug OD after several years of sobriety. I don't know what compelled her to do that. She left behind 3 children-my cousins with whom I was never close to. I have not seen any of them since my grandmother passed which has probably been close to 10 years. My maternal grandmother was the last family I had--the last person that I felt really loved me and cherished me. She died from Alzheimer's as well. It seems to run in the family on that side, though with all the substance abuse issues, no one seems to live long enough to get it after my grandmother. None of this really helps I know. I can't even say hang in there--that things will get better because it hasn't for me for 20 years and there is no guarantee. I won't insult you by hurling the usual cliches at you. The only thing I can say is that you never know what could happen. I know your dad's passing will devastate you & is perhaps the only thing keeping you from taking your own life right now. I wish you could find a way to connect to your sisters because I am sure that the loss of your mom and eventual loss of your dad affects them too and deeply. Maybe they say the things they say because they just can't cope themselves & so what they tell you is what they themselves have to believe in order to survive. I certainly have better circumstances in my life than you seem to (never got involved much with drugs/alcohol to self medicate like my mom & aunt) and I'm not suffering from any physical health problems-at least nothing serious. I don't hold out much hope that I will ever feel better though. I want to die, but I'm so lazy & too unmotivated to actually end my own life. Just try to stay alive and stick it out. Life is finite and at least if you just suffer through it & choose not to take your own life, you can give life the finger a little and know in the end that despite how miserable you were, you persevered where others succumbed. Feel free to send me a private message if you would like to talk more. I know this post was kind of all over the place and as I reread it, I don't think it makes a ton of sense. I guess my bottom line would be: I believe your pain is unbearable, yet you are bearing it. What is the harm in sticking around this life? At some point, maybe your unique perspective will allow you to reach out to someone in a similar place & you will be able to help them. Maybe all this pain you are going through will prepare you to be able to connect with and help someone you don't yet know.
  10. Sometimes there is no advice to give or any suggestions anyone can give. I have none for you. But I can be someone to "talk" to. I'm a middle-aged woman and probably can't relate to your particular kind of hell much, but I certainly know suffering as it manifests for me. Feel free to message me. I can relate very well to one thing you said which I highlighted above. The only hope I ever had that would make life close to worth living is finding this very thing. Problem is, if love like this exists at all, it is probably unlikely that I of all people will find it. My expectations of what would be real love should be & would want for myself are probably so distorted from watching movies and reading books. It got so deeply ingrained and when I was young, I didn't realize that what I had come to believe was mostly nothing more than fairy tales. I am in a 2 year relationship now and I know for a fact he doesn't love me. We've discussed it. It is a complicated situation & I am a damaged person so I stay because he treats me well enough that being with him knowing that even though he can't give me what I want, there is no guarantee that ending the relationship & looking elsewhere would do anything but make me more alone than I already am. Unless he starts outright mistreating me, I'll just have to settle for what I have. I have learned one thing--avoid romance movies, especially anything from Nicholas Sparks, at all costs. I'm so unable to deal with not having that perfect love, I avoid all my married friends now too. Well, I have alienated almost all my friends for just being able to cope with life. I know their lives aren't perfect and some have dealt with some bad stuff, but they just seem to be able to find purpose and a reason to keep wanting to go on. Wow. I am so rambling and making stuff all about me and my issues. I'll wrap it up. I really am sorry about how you feel. Bottom line, to answer your questions in red. I don't think it is wrong at all. I think it is sweet, but what do I know? You might get lucky and find this person. I hope you do. Otherwise, well, I'll see you in the land of never ending disappointments.
  11. When will this depression with a heaping of SAD go away>!

  12. All I can say is I understand. I was on it briefly after having to stop Nardil due to severe low blood pressure. The Parnate just made me miserable. All I could do is sleep. I don't remember the dose I was on, but I couldn't tolerate it.
  13. I took Nardil for a while & it actually did improve my mood. The food restrictions aren't bad. I ate pizza without any problem & most cheeses were fine. Unfortunately, I couldn't get up to the therapeutic dose because it caused my blood pressure to totally tank. At one point, I couldn't stand up without the near certainty that I would fall or pass out. At the lower doses, I would be able to stablize by getting up slowly and taking it easy, but at the higher doses (I'm sorry I can't remember what the mg's were), I got to a point that no matter how careful I was or how long I was upright, I was in jeopardy of my legs giving out or passing out. I fell a lot & hit my head quite a few times. I tried taking salt pills & eating salt to get my blood pressure up, but it didn't work. My pdoc wouldn't give me a prescription for a drug that would increase my blood pressure because of the fear of my eating something that would cause a hypertensive episode. Sometimes I wanted to just try to eat some aged cheese or something to try to counteract the hypotension. I really did feel better on it. When it was clear that the low blood pressure side effect wasn't improving with time, I tried Parnate. That stuff was horrible. All I could do is sleep. The Nardil I took was the post 2003 kind. Just be very careful with the low blood pressure. My pdoc said that most people don't have such a reaction so you may have no trouble at all. If you can afford it, getting a blood pressure machine for home is a good idea. Then you can eat questionable foods in small doses & see if they elevate your blood pressure. Much luck to you. I really think it is a shame that they didn't try to make more advances with these types of drugs. I guess I could always try the patch, but I hear that it isn't really that effective.
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