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Everything posted by VictorianGoth

  1. I understand how you feel. I have been single for awhile now and while I like the solitude I wouldn't mind being in a loving, committed relationship. My last relationship was unbalanced though. I was so depressed and he was- not. Depending on him for comfort and positivity was destroying him. I don't think you must be fully accepting of yourself before finding anyone. People are in long relationships with many issues and insecurities. But I do think maybe some type of healing needs to be in place before it happens-to avoid what happened to me anyway. I am quite lonely. Very very lonely. But I would rather be lonely than in a relationship out of desperation for companionship. I am trying to remain hopeful that my person is out there somewhere. I don't look or search. I just exist and keep a small bit of hope someone is out there who will love me despite my flaws, trauma and all and when we meet I'll be healthy enough not to look upon them as a "therapist".
  2. Hello. I hope you see this. I can relate to your post. I am constantly struggling to love and accept my body and self. I have been taken advantage of by many guys mistaking their "affection" for love and care. And I have been single for about 3 yrs now? I CRAVE AFFECTION SO MUCH. I want to be held, and hugged and kissed. I don't care much for sex. But I don't think I can have another relationship until I learn to love myself more or else I will end up with more guys taking advantage of me. Its hard to love yourself isn't it? I hate myself. I can't look in the.mirror and say "Wow, you are beautiful and worthy of love." Because I don't believe it. I wish you the best. Please know you aren't alone in how you are feeling!
  3. I love Autumn. Its beautiful. But the cloudy, cold and rainy weather is doing me horribly mood wise. I look out my window and I am instantly triggered into a sad mood. I don't wanna go to work. I don't wanna get out of bed. I don't wanna move. Already the lack of sunshine is making me Miserable and its not even Winter yet. I don't know how I will survive this Winter.
  4. I am so sorry for your loss. Our pets are not just pets but family. I can understand your dogs passing being a very emotional and difficult experience for you. I'm sending you *hugs* and hope it gets a little easier. I don't know what i'd do if I had to euthanize one of my cats. Makes me teary just thinking about it
  5. Thank you. I voted. Its all over. My anxiety is going down. I just wish it was a process that was less triggering lol
  6. Americans all over are voting today in the election..... I was upset because absentee voting wasn't possible...Meaning I had to go to the specified polling place, stand in line with many others...etc basically a nightmare for a person with social anxiety So I did. Soon as I got in line (tons of people there already) I started feeling anxiety. Paranoid thoughts that people were staring at me. On top of that I'm african american and there was is so much negativity around african americans voting. I started to Feel like people were staring at me. Judging. Etc. Then I found out I was in the wrong precinct line. A lady came over to check and she quite loudly asked me "WHATS YOUR NAME?" and of course everyone was staring. And then she made a big fuss because my name wasn't popping up and then she stated "OH YOU REGISTERED TO VOTE TOO LATE. THE CUT OFF WAS OCT 9 THATS WHY YOU AREN'T LISTED HERE. YOU REGISTERED TOO LATE. " And my anxiety just skyrocketed and I looked up and many people were just staring at me. And my thoughts started racing and my palms started sweating. I left feeling like I needed to vomit. I feel so ****ing stupid. And I just wanna curl into a ball and hide. I don't understand why we can't just vote online. I'm hoping the absentee ballot will be voted for cause I never wanna do this again.
  7. VictorianGoth

    No One Cares?

    @Natasha1 thank you I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well.
  8. VictorianGoth

    No One Cares?

    I feel this all the time. I reach for solitude. Feel relief. Then grief. When no one reaches out. But why should I when I sought solitude all along? When I want to be away from people. And want to be alone. Why condemn people for doing as I ask? Not that I deserve anyone's love. Or care. I'm a bad friend anyways. But no one understands me. and I wish I had someone to talk to that could.
  9. VictorianGoth


    I won't end myself I won't end myself I won't end myself I won't end myself I won't end myself I won't end myself I can't end my life I can't end my life I can't end my life I can't end my life I have to stay alive I have to stay alive I have to stay alive I have to stay alive I have to stay alive But why?
  10. I an introverted and love my solitude. But I am also very lonely. A deep loneliness that's coming from inside. I am lonely within myself and in my soul. I don't think I'll ever connect to people in a way that makes me feel understood or satisfied. I feel like such an alien...misunderstood by all. But I have barely any energy to meet people or be more social etc
  11. VictorianGoth


    @JD4010 unfortunately they aren't.
  12. I'm just exaushted. My brother called my mom last night and she was giddy and happy to talk to him. Later I asked her if she'd had dinner and without even looking at me, in a monotone voice, replied- "no". She's being like this cause I had an anxiety attack? I'm so confused and angry. But now we aren't talking. Fine by me.
  13. Thank you...*HUGS* Today I am feeling anxious but a bit more steady about going to work today. If I can just shake the thoughts that everyone probably thinks me strange after that panic attack- then I'll be okay.
  14. VictorianGoth


    @nirah007 I am extremely overwhelmed. I started a 2nd job and had a panic attack on my first day. My mom was upset with me. I'm so exaushted. Thank you for your kind message. I will try to keep posting. It is my only only outlet. *hugs
  15. Should I lay down and die? Cover myself in soft, brown earth so flowers will sprout from empty crevices of body that once pumped heartbeats and air. To close my eyes and forget this world. And just rest.
  16. VictorianGoth


    I need help.
  17. I started a 2nd job today. My first day was today. I had a panic attack. A bad one. They told me I could go home. I came home and my mom instantly begain lecturing me about how it was irresponsible for me to leave and i should have just sucked it up and stayed cause I'm a grown woman. She completely ignored me telling her I had an anxiety attack. Didn't bother asking what triggered it, if I was okay or anything. Just thought I was irresponsible. Just annoyed at me. So how am I feeling today? Horrible. Anxious and very depressed and thanks to my mom- guilty. I never have anything positive to say when I post in here
  18. I'm tired. All I care to do is sleep. I don't want to see anyone I just want to be left alone. I have to go to work and run those stupid registers. I have to do this and do that and i'm TIRED. I'm so tired of living. I just don't have the energy. What is the point? Why am I even here if all I ever feel is this pain?
  19. So depressed. I want to call off from work but i'm scared and anxious to do so.
  20. VictorianGoth

    I'm so unhappy.

    I don't know what happened. Maybe I have been ignoring or pretending the feelings don't exist. But today I broke down. I have been feeling alone for many days and today I just couldn't cope. I'm so tired. I have no energy. All I do is eat cause that's the only thing that makes me feel okay. I wanted to go outside for a walk today but I didn't. I just stared outside like I was trapped. But I wasn't. I was free to go outside I just couldn't. The thought made me exaushted even though I wanted to go outside. I don't know whats wrong with me. I think after 5 years I may have to go back on medication. But I have no healthy insurance. What do I do? I'm so scared.
  21. Hello...I know how you feel. I had an intense spark with someone and it made me feel so alive after feeling hopeless and angry and depressed for so long. I was completely infatuated with him and how he made me feel. It was addictive. But he dropped me as well soon as I brought up dating exclusively. It was so painful to cut the tie I had with him. I was always wanting to contact him. Especially on my lonely days. But I realized for my mental state...moving on is so much better than holding on to someone who does not want you and get hurt again and again. So I distracted myself. Whenever I had an urge to contact him i'd remember how he hurt me and then watch a show or write or listen to music..etc. Anything to distract the urge to make contact. I know it hurts especially when you felt something. Try to move on. Don't contact him. Distract yourself if you can. You deserve someone who reciprocates your affections.
  22. I'm so fatigued. I have no energy. I still feel inherently lonely. I went on instagram and lasted 3 minutes before I was triggered into sadness. I don't know why. Maybe i'm so sad about my own life.
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