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AMSA

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  1. I have felt these exact same symptoms as you. I would be just sitting there and then my chest would get really tight. My anxiety really started showing up last year at the beginning of covid. I still don't really understand what my body is so scared about. I don't feel in my brain that it is something that I should be scared of or worried about as I am so very careful. But anytime I talk about it or I see it on the news, my chest starts fluttering and tightening. I am still trying to figure things out but I know that deep breathing and meditation has helped to get rid of the anxiety at the time. I just wish I knew how I could get it to go away for good.
  2. I can totally relate! I used to be quite outgoing and I used to love to get together with people up until my mid 20's. I am now 38 and I hardly ever get together with anybody anymore. The friends that have children don't really interest me anymore as I can't seem to relate to them at all anymore. I don't have exciting stories to share with people and I really don't like trying to think of something to talk about with people. I am a great listener but nobody except my coworkers really ever chat with me. I have a husband and I feel less lonely because he is there but I have often wished that I had some really good friends and relationships. However in my life, all of my really good friends have gone. I have had quite a few friends just stop being my friend, and my best friend (my sister) passed away 9 years ago and since then I don't feel safe trying to make friends anymore. I am tired of them leaving my life. Sometimes I also think that it is better that I stay home and watch tv and read and cuddle with my bunnies at home. I have a husband that I can hang out with if I want to do something with someone. Even if I feel lonely, I think it is safer.
  3. I never really realized I had an issue with anxiety before COVID. Ever since the pandemic I have realized that it is something I suffer from. At first I thought I was sick...I got tested because I felt a constant crushing pressure on my chest. Obviously I tested negative, but and I went to the ER and had a bunch of tests done and medically I was healthy. Then I had to think about what it could possibly be. I know that my mother and siblings suffer from panic disorders so I did some research and it sounded exactly like my symptoms. And there marked the beginning of my battle with anxiety. Truthfully I should have known it was somewhat of an issue because in 2003 I was in a car accident when my car hit black ice. Since then I have not been able to drive in the winter. I get all sweaty and nervous and feel very sick when I try. Well that right there is a panic attack. I had never really thought about it and I had never really given it a name. I just avoided driving in the winter. As long as there was any amount of snow on the ground I would not drive. Now back to the present. I am a healthcare worker so I physically work in a place where there is actual cases of covid. My managers have been horrible with guiding us through maintaining safety for the workers and that has caused me much stress over the last year. I decided that I needed to do something to help myself. Constant pressure on my chest, terrible time trying to sleep, losing my hair, constant exhaustion...these were just some of the crappy symptoms that I went through and still am dealing with. I found a program online to help deal with anxiety and it showed ways to help manage stress and breathing techniques and meditating methods. I completed this course and it took me about a month or two to get through it. It also took that amount of time for the meditating to actually start to help. I felt like this was the answer to my problems as my anxiety seemed to lessen. I completely stopped watching the news and reading the crap on the internet. I just found that stuff to be too much and added to my anxiety. I was doing well for a couple of months I think, then all of a sudden my chest started to tighten again. This was about the time that word came out about the variants. At least I think that is what triggered it. Ever since then, I have been having troubles again. I have been trying to meditate and do my deep breathing but anxiety still seems to be an issue for me. I finally had my first covid vaccine shot and I think that helped me mentally, but now we have to wear more PPE at work and I am having issues seeing through my new goggles and I have been having constant headaches that don't seem to be going away. It causes me more stress because I don't know why they bothered adding more PPE for us a year later and with my constant headaches....I don't think that I should have to have work cause me more headaches...I already suffer from migraines so adding to that is really causing me stress and adding to my frustration!! I am frustrated and quite mad that something can have such a negative affect on me. I am trying to do everything I can to calm my mind and do things that I like or that bring me joy but I find that I am getting tired of dealing with this stupid anxiety all the time. I don't know that I need medication because my anxiety is not there all of the time, but I find that stress is there literally all of the time. At the beginning of my anxiety I was taking some lorazepam but I only did that a few times. I guess I should maybe talk to my dr. about it and see what she says but I would rather not take medication for this. I don't have terrible panic attacks where I cant breathe or am frozen in a spot or anything, I literally just feel a constant pressure in the center of my chest. I'm sure that I should probably also talk to somebody about my anxiety but sometimes I feel that I just don't want to focus on it that much. I just feel very frustrated and I know I need to do things like exercise and talk to someone and clean my house and be more productive but all I really want to do is lock myself into a quiet room where nobody can tell me bad news, and nobody can bother me. I feel like I need to rest or sleep for like a month and I feel like I want the whole world to leave me alone for a bit....
  4. Trace

    I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  5. I can relate to how you are feeling. Before I started my current antidepressand Cymbala, I was exactly where you are. Try not to give up because it just takes a little time for the meds to really start to work. Those feelings of just wanting to give up and crawl into ***** do eventually get less and less until you don't really feel that way anymore. It is funny that even with AD's you will still have your down periods, but with therapy they do get easier to manage. Hang in there and hopefully you see the benefits soon. ps) about the sleeping thing, I have to take a sleeping pill with my AD because it keeps me up at night, talk to your doctor and they usually can combine meds to help with this problem, or they may suggest to take it at a different time of day that you currently do. Take care!! And don't be afraid to use the forum for extra support, it really helps!!
  6. I thought that I was getting better, but a couple of weeks ago I found my depression really starting to creep back into my life. I started a new medication about a month and a bit ago and at first I was so happy that I was actually excited to do things, like get out of bed and get showered and maybe even leave the house. Lately I have noticed my mood to be more sad. I am not happy with the way that I look. I have realized that my depression has totally destoryed me both physically and mentally. Over the years I have gained so much weight that I have maybe one or two different shirts that I can wear that I feel kinda okay in, and only one pair of pants (that are pretty much ready for the garbage). I haven't cut my hair in over 6 months. Basically I look horrible. I have been praying for a wet rainy summer so that I will have a reason to wear layers and baggy sweatshirts without dying in the heat or sweating buckets. I really wanted to get physically fit before the summer came but unfortunately my depression has prevented me from doing so. I still has. I haven't been to the gym in over a year. I don't want to go out in public looking like this, because I know deep down inside this is not who I really am and I don't want people to see me in such an ugly state! I get little panick attacks when I think of going to the gym and working out and having people see me work out. Thinking horrible things about me. My therapist calls this mind reading, and I know it is a bad thing to do but I can't stop thinking this way! Maybe it is because when I am out with my husband and he blurts out 'oh gross, look at that fat person!' or 'sick that person is sooo ugly'. I always tell him to stop because I think that is wrong to do that. He used to be fat as a kid, so you would think that he would have some type of feelings about that but for some reason he doesn't seem to care! I also have to go to a wedding this weekend!! I have nothing to wear, and I don't even want to try to figure it out. My husband is doing the photography for the bride who is a co-worker of his and I don't even want to go....what a bother, but I have to go to support him. I would rather eat dirt than try to figure out what to wear that won't make me look hideous!! Other than gaining weight I have noticed a few other things that make me sad about what my depression has done to me. Other than the obvious isolating myself and feeling lonely, I have noticed that my legs hurt all the time. I know this could have to do with the weight gain and putting pressure on my joints, but my shins just **** me. I have shooting pains up and down my shins. At my job some days I do stand for quite a while and even though I wear compression socks they still **** me at the end of the day. They actually bother me so much that I don't like going for walks at lunch time and breaks because after walking they burn. Dr. thinks it's shin splints and I should try to stretch them out but nothing has helped. I have also noticed that I have been getting quite a few grey hairs. Actually they are white hairs. I am only 27 years old!! I know that stress can cause your hair to turn grey prematurely but come on!! If I think about it my brother had grey hair when he was 18. I guess 27 is better, but have I really been under that much stress in my life?? I guess that makes sense, but it sucks. My whole body is falling apart right before my eyes and I can't do much to stop it. I don't have the will to go to the gym. I don't feel that there is any point in spending $200 to get my hair done to only stay at home and let the tv enjoy it. I don't want to gain any more weight but I can't controll my issues with leaving the house. I am able to leave the house to go to work and to the dr. but usually if I have a day off I stay at home at watch tv and cross-stitch. I will literally sit and watch tv for 12 + hours a day, when I don't work, and 6 or so hours a day when I do. Tv is my entire life. I feel like I am wasting my life. I am waitsing my life!! I used to have so many goals for myself. Now a goal of mine would consist of getting one thing done in a day aside from watching tv. My husband jokes about cancelling cable, but seriously if he cancelled the cable I would probably go mental! It is the one thing that occupies my mind so that I don't have to think about anything. Sometimes even that doesn't work so I have to cross-stitch (sew) while I watch tv to completely occupy my mind. No room for thinking!! I hate being depressed. I know that it takes time to deal with depression and for it to go away, if it ever does, but man I am getting so tired again. So tired of fighting. Why does life have to be so darn hard all of the time??? Why can't it be easy for once!!!!!!! Thanks for letting me rant. Sorry it is so long of a rant!
  7. I have major issues with my family. I feel that they don't care about me and that they hate me. I called my mom out of guilt on mothers day and I told her that I would get together with her and my sister, brother, and step-father for supper. I told her this thinking that she would forget like she always does about everything, or that she would not bother calling me back which she always does as well. Then today when I got back from work I found a message on my machine from my step-father asking me to call and confirm that we are in fact going out for supper tomorrow. Everytime I see my family I end up leaving more upset. My family has let me down in so many ways, and their lack of interest in me has led me to become very depressed. They do not know that my depression has become this bad, nor do they know from what my depression has stemmed from (ie. them). I will never tell them how depressed I am or why because they only ever care about themselves and they would somehow turn it into being my fault. I don't know why I make myself get together with them. Maybe it is because I used to have a really good relationship with my family, a long long time ago. I know that deep down I want to have that relationship back sooo badly, but everytime I try I just end up getting hurt again and again. I also feel guilty because my mom has very bad health issues and I am scared to death that she will be taken from me before we can patch things up....if we ever can. How can you just get over being shunned by your family, have them beg you to come back only for them to shunn you again and again. I get stabbed in the heart each and every time. Now I don't really want to put much of an effort into fixing our relationship, but I can't just not do anything and expect no guilt to follow. I am going to supper with them, however I know I will feel like crap when I leave. I haven't gotten to the topic of dealing with my family yet in therapy. I also think I need more therapy, and more frequently. I am working on that. I guess I need a miracle!!
  8. I don't know what it is but lately I can't stand to talk to any of my family on the phone. Actually, that is not true. Most of my depression stems from my relationship with my family, and every time I talk to them on the phone I feel so sad and depressed. I was debating on whether to call my mom today or not. We haven't spoken to eachother since christmas. I stopped trying to call because no body ever answers the phone. And she never calls me, using excuses like she doesn't know my work schedual or I am probably so busy.... The truth is, I am at home crying my eyes out because my family shows no interest in me at all. They never call, and when on rare occations I do talk to them it is usually all about their lives and all of the medical problems that my mom is going through and all of my sister's chaos that she is causing. Anyways, I did call her to wish her a happy mothers day out of guilt. When she answered the phone she had been crying. She told me that she was so glad that I had called her. She was crying because she misses me and she didn't think that I would call. She always says that we should "get together more" or we should get the family "closer". All I could say is 'yeah I know'. I don't understand how my family thinks that I can just forget all of the times that they have hurt me so badly and put on a happy face and become 'closer' again! I've done that up until now and keeping my feelings bottled up inside has caused me more grief than good. Will that really help them to understand that they have hurt me so badly in the past and that I am not interested in repeating that hurt. Honestly right now as I am dealing with this pain I truthfully don't even want to see them. I am trying to heal myself and get rid of the pain that they have caused me and now it seems like when I have kinda put my family on the back burner, deciding whether or not to dump these horrible people, now it seems like they are pushing themselves into my life. I don't want them to hurt me again!!! I have been in a depression for 11 or so years because of them and is it really even worth it? Do I really want these people in my life again? My dad tries to lay a kind of guilt trip on me saying that he thinks that I should be close to my family because family is important. He told me some of the reasons that my sister is sad about the lack of our relationship. I finally had to tell him that my family has caused me major depression and that they need to realize that they have done and said some really hurtful things to me and I can't trust them anymore. My therapist says that I have to look at the feelings that my family causes me. Then I have to decide if these feelings can be modified, or if the best way is to not have my family in my life anymore. I am honestly tired soo soo tired of feeling hated, unloved, shunned, and offended by my family. All I ever want is to have a good relationship with them, but I am starting to think that these may be an unrealistic expectation. I'm just not quite sure what to do. It's such a hard topic in my life, and I am so undecisive about it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Even the opportunity to get this off my chest has been good.
  9. Thanks for your responses. I have now been on the cymbalta for 7 days and I have noticed that the nausea went away. I continued to take my cymbalta at night although I found it still doesn't allow me to have the proper sleep. It still makes me tired so I do take it at night. I talked to my dr about my concerns with the trazodone and she put my mind at ease. I am no longer taking the zopiclone but the trazodone instead. I find that 25 mg before bed helps me to sleep the whole night through. Ever since the first night I haven't noticed any more symptoms so that was much of a relief. I have also noticed that my depression has lessened a bit. I actually don't mind leaving the house sometimes. I have one more week trial pack with the cymbalta, but I am thinking of going back to my dr and asking for a prescription for it. I would like to see if this med really does help me. So far the results are looking promising.
  10. I usually see my father every second weekend. Sometimes my sister will come as well. Today I am supposed to go over and see my dad. My sister will be there too. My dad just got a new apartment, so he really wants both of us to come over and watch movies at his place like we used to do all the time when we were kids. Normally this would sound like a great idea, but most of my issues causing my depression have to do with my family (excluding my father). I'm not sure if I have it in me to deal with my sister at the moment. Whenever all three of us are together, everyone seems to forget that I am around and my father dotes on my sister. My sister loves it because she loves being the centre of attention. I always go home feeling like crap. I feel so angry and hurt. There is nothing in the world I would love more than to have the relationship that we used to have when we were kids. I would love to go and spend time with them like we used to when we were kids, but so many things have happened between my sister and I, and it really isn't the same anymore. I have been on a new AD for 7 days now and I have noticed some relief from my depression as well as a couple of therapy sessions. I don't really want to cause myself to crash again. So I guess I am really wondering if it would be so horrible to not go today? To stay home and do my own thing instead of going and making myself feel like crap for their benefit. Does that make me a bad person for being selfish?
  11. Tonight was the first night I have taken cymbalta. I have read up on the side effects and I was expecting to possibly have some however I have only ever been on paxil (paroxetine) before for about 13 years or so, so I haven't experienced symptoms like these ever! My family dr. gave me a few sample packs of the 60 mg caps to try for two weeks. I took one tonight at about 830 pm and by 1030pm I was so grumpy because I was tired. I had noticed a few waves of nausea but thought that they wouldn't bother me while I'm sleeping. I have been tossing and turning having weird dreams, but I'm not sure if it is because of the meds or not. I finally got up at 130 AM to take a half of a sleeping pill (zopiclone), my dr. told me I could take my trazodone, but I think that it makes me dizzy the next day sometimes so I didn't really want to take that one. She doesn't know I have some zopiclone but I had a few lying around and I do prefer these to trazodone. I would rather just sleep through my side effects at least for tonight. Unfortunately because my sleeping pill hasn't kicked in yet I am rather wide awake, so I am thinking about things such as my dosage being too high for starting off. Should I try for a few more days to a week at 60mg and if the side effects are too much should I ask to be dropped down to 30mg? I don't have a physchiatrist yet, which I am planning on getting, so for now my family dr. is dealing with my medications. I just figured, my depression wasn't getting any better at all on the paroxetine, so I definately needed a change. Does anyone else take zopiclone with cymbalta to help them sleep? I'm thinking of asking my dr for a prescription for these instead of the trazodone. At least the zopiclone gives me a good sleep.
  12. I can relate to so many things you were talking about. I ignore my feelings and just go on with my life as if noting ever happened. The stupid thing about that that I always seem to forget, out of the blue my feelings will plan a sneak attack and I will be depressed for weeks at a time. Crying, sleeping, and moping about. I know that dr's can be quite a problem especially if no one believes you. I have had many dr's tell me that nothing was wrong with me. But you know what?....it is in your head. Your have to be persistant. Sometimes I think that some of the dr's need a good slap in the face. I'm not sure where you live but I'm sure there are help lines that you can contact. The main thing is to try to get help. It will only get worse if you don't do anything about it. Medication is a wonderful thing. There are many to choose from too, so don't let what happened to your fiance dicourage you from taking any meds. Different meds help different people. Most importantly don't give up!! The fact that you know you want help is a good starting off point. Keep posting in the forum. I find it helps me alot, especially when I have to talk about something right away. And remember you are not alone. Many people here can relate to you and often you can get some great advice. Keep us posted. And good luck!!
  13. AMSA

    Okay Days

    I don't know how common it is but I know that is true for me. I usually am the most happiest when I am with my rabbits. They always make me smile and laugh with their cute personalities. That doesn't mean that I am not depressed. It's just the moments that make life worth living.
  14. I feel kind of stupid. I went to a Dr. appointment on Monday. I have a metabolic medical condition that requires me to see my specialist every year. Anyways at the appointment they were going over the meds that I take. Then it came to paxil. (paroxetine). First the nurse went over them and asked me if it worked for me. I said yes and she told me that I don't look like a depressed person so it must be working. Then my dr asked me later if it was working for me (he wasn't in the room when the nurse went over my meds) so I told him yes. LIE #1 He said that was good because sometimes ad's loose their efficacy after a while for some reason and usually med changes are necessary. I told him the dose was good. LIE #2 Then he went on to say that if I ever did need any help in that area there are psychiatrist that I could talk to in his clinic and that it is a good idea to get on it right away if you notice that the meds aren't working anymore because you could end up feeling stuck in a really bad situation. That was when I realized that I had made a stupid mistake. I didn't fess up. My dietician was in the room as well and I didn't want to admit that I had lied about my depression and my medicaiton working anymore. I am very embarassed by my depression. However I am seeing a psychologist but only once a month. My family dr. doesn't really want to change my meds yet (probably because she doesn't even know how I really feel) even though I have been suffering the worst depression I have ever suffered not that I told her this, I just told her to referr me to a psychologist. She did say that she may want to switch me to Pristiq but I haven't followed up with her about that because I'm not sure that I want to switch to that drug. It is such a new drug (in Canada) and I'm not sure what I should do about this. I don't really want a lot of people to know about my depression because I see it as a weakness in myself. My family has mental issues and I have always been embarassed about that. They have been in and out of hospitals because of it. I have always been embarassed by it. I know that it is a medical condition but I have enough worries in my life about what other people think of me I don't need them to be knowing this about me too. I've only had one appointment with my psychologist so far, I have another one in a week. It has been about a month since my last appointment. My appointments are only 30 min. long and he only works on thursdays so he is very booked up. I'm trying to convince myself that this is okay and that if I see him and then do some stuff on the forum here it will be good enough, but I have a feeling I maybe need to talk to a psychiatrist who can adjust my medication and talk to me for longer than 30 min. at a time. I really don't want to feel like this anymore. I am missing out on my life and right now I have no will or energy to even care too much. It is too exhausting to care anymore. Any advice or thoughts on what to do would be greatly appreciated.
  15. Since Feb. of this year I realized that I was severely depressed. At first my husband didn't understand what I was going through, and that I was just a little sad. I finally made an appointment to see a psychologist and I have been tring to treat and get rid of my depression. I haven't come close to beating it yet. I believe that I need to do some medication changes and a few other things. My husband kind of understood that this was more of a problem than he thought and I had to tell him to back off and let me deal with things. He was always bugging me to go out and do things and see people and exercise and blah blah blah. He did back off for about a month. I thought he understood me. Lately he has been driving me crazy again. With my depression I like to stay at home and I watch a lot of tv. He is a very active person so he hates doing that and I never make him, but he always tries to get me to go out and do stuff. He stopped asking me for a while because I told him that I can't. I just don't have the energy or the will to leave the house. Now he will throw nasty comments into our conversation, like ...well you're always tired or I didn't bother asking you because you never leave the house or I would really would like you to come to the gym with me today, you really should you know.. Stupid comments that just drive me crazy. I already feel crappy enough!! Don't remind me that I never leave the house. I am always tired and I have been for the last 8 years....what do you want me to do about it??? I can't just magically make it go away. I don't want to go to the gym. I don't feel comfortable with my fat a$$ running on a treadmill infront of a bunch of people and I don't have any energy to really do anything physical even if I did go to the gym. He doesn't really understand!! I don't really know what it is that I have to do to get him to understand. Sometimes I start a fight so that he will get mad enough to stop talking to me, so I can be by myself and don't have to listen to him anymore. Sometimes he really is just an ***** and doesn't understand that what he says hurts me, but if I tell him that he thinks that I am being too sensitive or moody and that it is just bothering me because I'm in a bad mood because I'm hungry!! Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall sometimes. He is so stubborn and he always thinks he is right. It is almost impossible to change his mind. Then he will get angry and spew out hurtful words and that only makes the situation worse. I love him, but sometimes I could just scream!!
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