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Lori123

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    Lori123 got a reaction from Depressedgurl007 in fell into a hole i cant get out   
    I understand this feeling too well. I believe when you get to this point--where you feel like you can't do anything right--it's a dangerous spot to stay in. It's hard to get out of, but you CAN get out. 

    The ideas about you being unworthy and always letting people down is depression taking over. It's not true. You are perfectly capable. Depression warps your perception and makes you see only the worst in yourself, and it's magnified a thousand times. It's not real -- it's like funhouse mirrors.

    Remind yourself that although it feels very real -- and the hurt is definitely real -- there is no truth to those thoughts. 

    I always ask people this, but have you tried any medication, or talked with anyone about it? It's been the only thing that saved me and got me out of that hole, more than once. Different medications work for different people. I take one that is supposed to have bad side effects, but I have none, and I take three times the average dose. You just have to keep trying different meds and different dosages until you find what works for you. 

    Whatever you do, don't stop fighting to claw your way out of the hole. You can do it.
  2. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from jkd_sd in fell into a hole i cant get out   
    I understand this feeling too well. I believe when you get to this point--where you feel like you can't do anything right--it's a dangerous spot to stay in. It's hard to get out of, but you CAN get out. 

    The ideas about you being unworthy and always letting people down is depression taking over. It's not true. You are perfectly capable. Depression warps your perception and makes you see only the worst in yourself, and it's magnified a thousand times. It's not real -- it's like funhouse mirrors.

    Remind yourself that although it feels very real -- and the hurt is definitely real -- there is no truth to those thoughts. 

    I always ask people this, but have you tried any medication, or talked with anyone about it? It's been the only thing that saved me and got me out of that hole, more than once. Different medications work for different people. I take one that is supposed to have bad side effects, but I have none, and I take three times the average dose. You just have to keep trying different meds and different dosages until you find what works for you. 

    Whatever you do, don't stop fighting to claw your way out of the hole. You can do it.
  3. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from Tymothi in fell into a hole i cant get out   
    I understand this feeling too well. I believe when you get to this point--where you feel like you can't do anything right--it's a dangerous spot to stay in. It's hard to get out of, but you CAN get out. 

    The ideas about you being unworthy and always letting people down is depression taking over. It's not true. You are perfectly capable. Depression warps your perception and makes you see only the worst in yourself, and it's magnified a thousand times. It's not real -- it's like funhouse mirrors.

    Remind yourself that although it feels very real -- and the hurt is definitely real -- there is no truth to those thoughts. 

    I always ask people this, but have you tried any medication, or talked with anyone about it? It's been the only thing that saved me and got me out of that hole, more than once. Different medications work for different people. I take one that is supposed to have bad side effects, but I have none, and I take three times the average dose. You just have to keep trying different meds and different dosages until you find what works for you. 

    Whatever you do, don't stop fighting to claw your way out of the hole. You can do it.
  4. Like
    Lori123 reacted to Floor2017 in Anger Issues tied with depression ?   
    My friend I do understand your frustrations 
    I have similar problems myself, I’m like 
    you I believe in nothing less than your 
    best.  Unfortunately we now live in a world 
    where people don’t appreciate good hard 
    workers like us.  I bought me a punching 
    bag to help relieve my frustrations.  If you 
    have a back yard or trees try relieving 
    that unwanted energy outside doing 
    something like cutting or pruning a tree.
    Or just get you a shovel and just dig until 
    you feel better but don’t forget to put 
    the dirt back in the hole.  Hang in there my 
    friend and I’m hoping things begin to 
    change for you real soon 
  5. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from MixedNut in I Need Someone Who Loves Me :(   
    While you're waiting to find your next relationship, be kind to yourself. Do loving things as a way to show yourself that you care about yourself. What you're feeling is just the sucky part of being a human being. It really does get easier with time.
  6. Like
    Lori123 reacted to duck in I Hate Humans/society   
    I hate people who cut me off and then they honk at me as if it's my fault.
  7. Like
    Lori123 reacted to verDominai in I Hate Facebook   
    Facebook was a terrible mistake tbh.
     
    Should be re-labeled "Fakebook" and given to the roleplayer communities~
  8. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from miss_blondie in Feel Like I'm Losing My Mind - Relationship/s, Work, Depression, Anxiety?!   
    I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but I'm going to try.
    I was pretty young when I first married, and I married the wrong guy. We were together four years when I left. It was AWFUL! I had become horribly depressed, and it took me a while to figure out that's what was happening, and that it was because of my marriage. Facing that truth and moving out were so hard, but I was lucky because I was able to move in with my parents. I made almost no money back then, so I couldn't put a roof over my head.
    I got involved with someone at work too. That was an even bigger disaster. I wound up even more depressed, chasing after that moron once he got tired of me.
    It took me a while to climb up from that mess, but I did. And while it was going on, I got a slightly better job, and then one that was a lot better.
    My advice to you would be
    1: If there's any way you can avoid moving back in with the husband, do it. Is there a way for you to connect with some potential roommates? Or rent a room?
    2: I'm sure you've already got your eye out for another job. But in the mean time, can you pick up a part-time job on the side?
    3: You said you have no debt, which is great. Maybe now is one of those times when it's not such a bad thing to accrue a little. Do you have any credit cards? Apply for a couple now while you still have your job, just in case.
    4: You don't have to give up the new man, but don't get your heart set on him being around forever. Enjoy being with him, and don't think too much about him when he's not around. Try to keep your heart from going down that awful hole. This is your time to figure out what you want, and where you want to live.
  9. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from Faith71 in Girlfriend Of Depressed Man Needs Advice.   
    I agree with the poster who said find a new therapist. They're not all winners! And they also have different styles. It can take patience to find the right one.
    The medication is either not a high enough dosage for him, or it's the wrong med completely. And of course, if he's not taking it consistently, there's no way to know for sure if it would be helpful or not. I know everyone is different, but my experience with Zoloft was that it helped my mood, but also made me very tired. When you're trying to pull yourself out of depression, being tired doesn't help.
  10. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from sigmadude in Anxiety, Depression And Marriage   
    I deal with depression. My husband -- we've been together 21 years -- he was abused as a child, probably from birth. As a result, he's kind of detached. I know he loves me very much, but he does not like affectionate touching, and when I'm down, he kind of gets freaked out by it. He doesn't know what to do, really, so he just backs off, which is the worst thing. I need him closer, and he pulls away and gets quiet. So I know what you're talking about.
    A few years ago, before I understood that he was reacting to my depression, it created this awful downward spiral for both of us. I saw him pulling away from me, and became convinced he was going to leave me. My depression got worse and worse.
    He actually did go to see my psychiatrist with me once after that happened, but I don't think it accomplished anything, and he refuses to ever go again.
    We've been going through this again a little over the last few days, so I started reading yesterday about attachment styles and disorders, and I think he's avoidant-dissmissive, or dismissive-avoidant, or whatever it's called. Basically, as a child, he was neglected and treated so badly that he couldn't depend on anyone, so he learned to become completely independent. This type of person, as I understand it, places value on their independence above everything else. The kicker was when I got to the part about the dismissive-avoidant not wanting to depend on anyone for anything, and not wanting anyone to be dependent upon them. My husband has said those exact words to me. If he asks me to do something for him and I forget to do it, it's like I've committed the worst possible insult one human can commit on another. He depended on me for something, and I let him down.
    It's taken me this long to learn that when he says, "Hey, no big deal, but when you have time, could you do X?" whatever he's asking me to do is really important, and I need to do it right away. If I respond the way I'm hearing the request -- like it's no big deal, and I take a week or more to get around to it -- he thinks I don't love him, and don't respect him.
    I don't know if your wife has anything that deep going on with her or not. Maybe in her case, it's not at the magnitude of a disorder, but is more just her "attachment style." You might try searching on that term -- you'll come up with lots of articles and posts about the different attachment styles, and how they interact with one another. I think it might help if you could understand how she needs love expressed. But the two of you need to talk to each other about what you each need, and come to an agreement on what should happen when you're dealing with your depression. If she learns to recognize it, then maybe she will make more of an effort to offer comfort to you in the way you need, rather than pulling away and making you feel worse. She probably doesn't get that's what is happening.
  11. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from Albatross85 in The Vent Thread   
    I feel like crap lately. I don't know what to do to get it in check, either. We're experimenting with my medication, so I'll just cross my fingers and hope that helps.
    I'm looking for a new job (I am employed), and working really hard at it -- networking, reaching out, etc. I've done something that I've read about my entire life -- requesting meetings for informational interviews. Hardly anyone has even responded. A couple of people who did respond basically said, "We're not hiring right now." Okay, I know you're not hiring, hence the term "informational" interview.
    I'm tired. I feel fat. I can't stop eating, and I hate that. And my job is so ridiculous. I mean, my career is ridiculous enough, and I don't like it, but this job is beyond stupid. Of course, it would make sense that I'm making more money than I ever have! (I can't complain about that part.)
    I've tried changing careers -- gave it my absolute all; did everything I could and more than most people would do -- and failed. So I no longer believe you can "be anything" or "do anything." That's a bunch of crap. I heard an interview with Tony Robbins this weekend, and he even stated as much. He said not everyone is lucky enough to be able to make a living at what they're passionate about. Those people need to turn their passion into a hobby. Great.

    I hate that we all have a finite, very short time on this planet, and have to spend most of it doing things other people tell us we have to do, rather than doing things we'd like to do. It's asinine.
  12. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from Phlebas in The Vent Thread   
    I feel like crap lately. I don't know what to do to get it in check, either. We're experimenting with my medication, so I'll just cross my fingers and hope that helps.
    I'm looking for a new job (I am employed), and working really hard at it -- networking, reaching out, etc. I've done something that I've read about my entire life -- requesting meetings for informational interviews. Hardly anyone has even responded. A couple of people who did respond basically said, "We're not hiring right now." Okay, I know you're not hiring, hence the term "informational" interview.
    I'm tired. I feel fat. I can't stop eating, and I hate that. And my job is so ridiculous. I mean, my career is ridiculous enough, and I don't like it, but this job is beyond stupid. Of course, it would make sense that I'm making more money than I ever have! (I can't complain about that part.)
    I've tried changing careers -- gave it my absolute all; did everything I could and more than most people would do -- and failed. So I no longer believe you can "be anything" or "do anything." That's a bunch of crap. I heard an interview with Tony Robbins this weekend, and he even stated as much. He said not everyone is lucky enough to be able to make a living at what they're passionate about. Those people need to turn their passion into a hobby. Great.

    I hate that we all have a finite, very short time on this planet, and have to spend most of it doing things other people tell us we have to do, rather than doing things we'd like to do. It's asinine.
  13. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from Saliency in The Vent Thread   
    @Saliency: The first thing I thought of when I saw this part of your post was something a former counselor told me. She worked in a very affluent suburb, and had a lot of clients who were trophy wives. She said she had more than one of them seeing her because they were miserable and felt completely trapped. Of course, you can't stereotype, but think about who has money: CEOs and other dysfunctional, sociopathic a-holes. These women were given very strict rules, and at least one of them knew her husband was cheating on her -- the counselor's point was that they all felt like property, and were depressed as a result. So marrying for money can be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Just be careful.
  14. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from FiguringThingsOut in How Is Therapy Helpful To You?   
    I haven’t been on this forum in a while, and wish I had seen your post earlier. I hope by now you’ve found a new therapist. Just based on what you’ve said, I think you’re absolutely right that she’s not very good.
    After seeing lots of different types of therapists over the years, I learned how to tell the good ones apart from the bad ones. If you aren’t feeling better after your sessions than you were when you walked in, that’s one big sign that either the therapist sucks, or is not a good fit for you. And a good one will do more than just affirm your statements. That doesn’t help at all.
  15. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from Thimble in How Is Therapy Helpful To You?   
    I haven’t been on this forum in a while, and wish I had seen your post earlier. I hope by now you’ve found a new therapist. Just based on what you’ve said, I think you’re absolutely right that she’s not very good.
    After seeing lots of different types of therapists over the years, I learned how to tell the good ones apart from the bad ones. If you aren’t feeling better after your sessions than you were when you walked in, that’s one big sign that either the therapist sucks, or is not a good fit for you. And a good one will do more than just affirm your statements. That doesn’t help at all.
  16. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from Thimble in Cbt   
    I saw a psychologist several years back who was big into CBT, and she kept promoting the basic principles. It never appealed to me, or felt like a real solution. I couldn’t accept it. Eventually my depression got worse and I wound up seeing a psychiatrist instead.
    For the past few years, my doc and I have been focused on getting my depression under control with medication. Her belief — and I agree — is that it doesn’t make sense to embark on a talk-therapy program until you have the depression stabilized. So I’m doing better, and recently, we started working on it from a CBT angle. It finally dawned on me why I had such a hard time with CBT before. As I told my doctor, if I change the way I think, I’m changing my personality. Changing who I am. I don’t think I should have to completely change myself in order to not be depressed. She explained that what that statement tells her is that at least some of my thought patterns that get me into trouble are “core beliefs” — that they are part of my map of the world, and so they’re not impossible to change, but will be that much more difficult. Yay.
    Here’s an example of where I have trouble: I see certain things as being a certain way, and you won’t convince me otherwise. Like, I believe animals’ lives are as valuable as humans’. So when I’m driving down a residential street and I see a dead squirrel in the road, I get really upset. The speed limit is 30 or 35 mph, which gives you enough time to stop. If you’re driving the speed limit and can’t stop in time for a squirrel, then you’re saying you’d hit a kid just as soon as you would an animal at that speed, because both can dart out into traffic quickly. But I don’t see dead kids all along the road, just animals. So my conclusion is that people are careful around kids, but don’t think twice about running down an animal.
    I think this is horrible, and I want to beat the crap out of everyone who hits an animal. I honestly think if I saw it happen, I’d chase the person down just to yell at them. I carry a dustpan in the trunk of my car so that I can move dead animals off to the side of the road, just so they won’t get squished into nothing by drivers who can’t be bothered to swerve around them. It’s bad enough that the poor little animal is dead, do you have to show absolutely no respect by driving over their dead body??
    So if somehow I am successful at changing this thought pattern through CBT, does that mean I become a mean, heartless person who runs over animals?!? I don’t want to be that! I don’t want to continue being angry and sad every day because I see a dead animal on the way to work. But I would rather deal with that than become callous.
  17. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from NorthernStar in Having Depression Along With The Question Of Having/Not Having Children   
    I don't believe there is a good reason for anyone to have children. People who have kids seem to have had them because "it's just what you do," or because someone told them they'd be good at it. My mom said that to me once. My response to her was, "I think I'd be a good prostitute too. Should I do that?"
    People also have children because they want them. Because they want someone to love, and to love them back. Because they want to experience the joy of raising a miniature of themselves, or just raise a good person. But those are all selfish reasons. Some people will say, "If no one had children, the human race would die out!" Okay, so what? Why does anyone care if the race dies out? You'll be dead then anyway. The argument makes no sense.
    For me, the decision has always been an easy one. If I had children, I already know how much I would love them. So why would I inflict life on people I love that much?
    And I do think it's both selfish and irresponsible to know that you have a serious medical condition, and then decide to have a child anyway.
    The best thing someone can do if they truly want to be a parent is to adopt.
  18. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from Rainahblue in Mean Comments You Still Think About Years Later   
    Just from your postings, I can tell you're a genuinely caring person who wants to help others. You choose your words very carefully, and you're very consistent. You wouldn't be able do that if your mother was right!
    I know you know she was wrong, but I wanted you to know it's obvious, even to people who've never met you.
  19. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from Tassy_Darling in Celebrity Obsession - Help or Support   
    I've gone through this before -- once as an adolescent, and once as a young married adult. Especially in the second case, I got swept up in the fantasy of what it would be like to be with this person; how it would feel. I think in a way it was a replacement for that feeling of having a crush on someone "real" -- like in high school. When I was a teenager, I ALWAYS had a crush on at least one guy. For a long time, nothing ever came of any of them. I think the overwhelming crushes stopped after I had my first real boyfriend.
    The celebrity crush I had when I was married was on a much younger guy, and I think it was partially due to my feeling like my youth was behind me (even though I was in my early 20s, being married made me feel old; like I had closed the book on everything associated with being a kid). It was flawed thinking.
    Part of my problem, as I later realized, was that I was married to THE WRONG person for me, and that, added to my flawed thinking about my life being "over" as a result of being married, made that fantasy so powerful. I daydreamed about going to LA, bumping into this guy and having him fall in love with me. It was really not about the guy, but about that dream of recapturing my youth, which I associated with freedom, flirting, etc.
    I don't know what eventually brought it to an end. Probably just got bored with it, and settled back into my married reality. I was very fortunate that it only took me a few more years to realize that I was unhappy, unfulfilled, lost -- AND that I was with someone who was completely wrong for me. He was a great person, very sweet, intelligent and giving, so I struggled with that one for a long time before finally being able to make the terrifying leap out.
    I'm not saying all of you are in this situation, but it's something worth thinking about. What is it about the fantasy that pulls you in? What does it offer that your real life doesn't? What could you do to bring some of that excitement into your own life? It might be as simple as taking a class or two and developing a hobby that enables you to express some talent that's locked inside you. It may be that you need to reinvent your relationship with your significant other. I'm just guessing here. But really think about it. I believe the fantasies are so powerful because they are trying to tell you something and you are not listening.
  20. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from addict1968 in I Did Something Really, Really Scary (May Be Triggering)   
    I've dealt with depression for close to 20 years (at least that would be about the time I know for sure it started, and was diagnosed). I found this forum when I was going through a very bad depressive episode -- in fact, I had attempted suicide, and was trying to start digging myself out of the hole. I am doing much better now, but still have work to do.
    The thing I did involved a dear friend who has been battling severe depression for a while. He was already depressed when a particularly traumatic event happened to him. As he has tried to deal with it, I've been trying to help. I couldn't relate to his circumstances, but I could relate to a lot of the feelings he was having. I tried over and over to nudge him in the direction of therapy and possibly medication, but he thought he could fix the problem himself. About 14 months after his traumatic event, he went back to where it happened in an effort to attempt to right a wrong. All this did was make the depression much, much worse. Since he got back, he has rapidly declined to a place I am no longer familiar with. It really scares me that I can't know any more what he is feeling.
    Anyway, he had a particularly horrible week -- one that culminated in him being hit by a car. He said he was okay, but I had never heard him sound so hopeless. His voice -- there was something in it that sounded really wrong. It made me sick to my stomach in a way that told me something really bad is close to happening. Like, if he doesn't attempt suicide, the stress might **** him.
    So I contacted his mother.
    That was Friday. She got my message today and called him, and I saw that he texted me right after, and he is so, so angry with me. I knew he would be (he and his family have a really rocky relationship), but it was a risk I had to take. I believe he needs treatment, and he needs to get away from his stressful environment and be with people who love him and care about him. Maybe he needs to be in a hospital, or maybe he just needs to be with his parents, going to a good psychiatrist who can do some really intensive work with him for a while, and at least get him to the point where he can think clearly again.
    It was also scary for me to contact her because I had no clue how she might react. Something happened with he and I once, and although his parents have never met me, they don't like me. So I didn't know what kind of response I might get. But she was actually very concerned, and thankful that I had contacted her. She asked if I had any advice, and I told her that I think he needs to focus 100% on getting well; that he needs a psychiatrist who will do both med management and therapy, one who specializes in PTSD and depression. I also gave her my phone number in case she had any questions she thought I might be able to answer.
    I sent back a text, basically saying that I had feared for a long time that he could hit a point where I thought I would need to contact his mom. I prayed it wouldn't happen, but what he said the other day, and how he sounded; it was like a giant spotlight, or a neon sign saying it was time to let his family in on exactly what's been happening with him.
    I know I did the right thing for him. I hope he will be able to forgive me, and that I won't have done irreparable harm to his trust in me. I also hope his mom wasn't just being thankful because she hadn't yet figured out who I am.
    Despite all that, I do know that I did the right thing. I tried to help him find the right doctor; when he called a church counseling group and left a message, and they didn't call him back, I found out the name of the church and I called them and said they needed to call my friend immediately. I feel so, so bad that he can't just come and live with my husband and I. We have plenty of room and wouldn't expect him to do anything except work on getting well. Unfortunately, I told my husband about our little "thing," and that would not be a good thing to do. Above all, it would be unfair to my husband. Now, if he truly did wind up homeless, I'd have to say get your *** over here and we'll worry about everyone's feelings later.
    I love him so much. He and I have gone through a lot together, and been there for each other through all of it. I'll be heartbroken if I lose him over this, but as long as he gets treatment and it works, that's all that matters.
  21. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from MommyofPrecious in Your Pets Interesting Habits   
    My dog loves his stuffed animals, and a lot of his weirdness revolves around them:
    1) He always has to pick one to go to bed with (which is at the foot of my and my husband's bed)
    2) He will get anywhere from one to three of them and line them up in a certain place, and then lie next to them. When he's finished, he looks like he's posing for a photograph, like you'd do with a little kid.
    3) He often -- though not always -- has to have one with him when he goes outside to pee
    4) He has chewed holes in most of them in their hineys! It's like he thinks there needs to be a place for the poop to come out!! No matter what kind of animal it is or what its shape is, the first thing he does with it is flip it over and upside down and start working on making a little hole. The only ones he hasn't done that with are the ones where, when he first gets them and starts to do that, we tell him, "No, don't chew open in his butt. That's not nice." He won't do it then. I swear.
    I wish there were a way to record their thoughts and translate them into English. I would love to be able to know the logic path that my pup is working from.
    I love my weird little dude!
  22. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from Phlebas in Losing My Mind. Seriously Losing My Mind.   
    You are dealing with so much. I have a good friend who is at the end of his rope as well, and his family doesn't give a crap either. I can't imagine how that must feel.
    The key is to find a good psychiatrist, which isn't easy. I've met some who were just a-holes, some that were stupid. If you are working with a psychiatrist, or counselor, and you feel like you're not getting anything out of it, move on to someone else. That is truly the best advice I can give you. You need to find one who will really listen to you, ask you questions, and talk to you about your options for treatment. If they look like they aren't listening, they're not. And if all they do is pull out the prescription pad before you've finished telling them what you're going through, leave. It took me a long time and seeing a lot of doctors and therapists to figure this out. Learn from my mistake and keep looking until you find the right doc. It will be worth it.
  23. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from prairie_rose in I Hate Work   
    I have been there too. When going through my first major depressive episode, I worked for a small company, in a small room with one other person (a very nosey, rude, judgmental person), with a rapidly dwindling amount of work to do, which left me with tons of time to try to pretend I wasn't crying. There was zero opportunity for advancement, and no way to even speak to another potential employer (this was in the days before the Internet and cell phones, so there was only the want ads and landline phones, and you could only call about a job ad during working hours -- that meant calling from work while standing right in front of the boss, or actually being sick at home). It took me going on interviews while I was sick in order to get out of that place.
    In that situation, it was a smart move for me to get out.
    But during my last major depressive episode, which lasted a few years, I made several job moves in an attempt to climb up the career ladder (and into a position I thought would make me happier), and I ended up in hell. Ever seen "Joe Versus the Volcano"? If not, I definitely recommend it. The beginning of that movie paints a pretty accurate picture of my job at that time. I had no idea what I was doing, had no time to learn, no training, the work of about five people thrown at me (which I was supposed to figure out how to do instantly), and a boss with no capacity for understanding. The environment was dark and depressing, the place smelled musty, the mood was tense, there was no opportunity to forge any friendships (we weren't supposed to talk to one another) and the pace way, way too fast for a person with depression to deal with, even if I had known exactly what I was doing. At the end of the day, I was too mentally and emotionally exhausted to try to look for another job.
    What I'm trying to say is that, although your job isn't making you happy, and it is getting you down, be careful about making the decision to leave. You could end up jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Look at the positives -- it's not full-time, it fits your schedule, it's not mentally taxing, and no one cares that you aren't constantly productive 100% of the time you're there. For a depressed person, those are pretty good features to have in a job.
    If it were me, I know I'd be trying to find something else as well. But even that process (especially in the present economy) can be hard on your self esteem. So take it slowly. You might consider taking a brief respite from job searching from time to time, and instead try a new doctor or therapist. Sometimes that change can be really eye-opening. It often takes a switch to realize that the slow progress you're making is actually due to an incompatibility between you and your therapist, or just the therapist/doctor not being very good.
    Try to avoid making a leap to a new job just to get out of this one. Use the benefits this job provides you to your advantage, and take your time finding the right place.
  24. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from Jarmusch in I'm Scared   
    I recently got back in touch with a friend who hurt me very badly -- worse than anyone has ever hurt me before. It was at a time when I was having a particularly bad depressive episode, and it pushed me over the edge and I attempted suicide. It is something I'm still trying to recover from.
    This friend reached out to me because he was deeply depressed, and on the brink of suicide. When he told me that, I forgave everything. It was something I have never been able to do before, and I found it to be very cathartic. I was there for him, and believe I've helped him through the worst of it and that he's doing better.
    I had planned to quietly back away at this point, but I've allowed myself to become emotionally attached again. Things are fine, and I don't think he would ever intentionally hurt me in the same way again, but I am still afraid.
    I know the smart thing would be to back off. I also know that I'm not thinking clearly on this one. I should be more careful, but I can't help myself.
    I don't expect any advice. I probably wouldn't listen to it at this point anyway. I feel like I've lost a piece of my sanity. I'm just going to try to focus on the positive things in my life, and try my best not to rely too much on him for anything. I really just needed to get this out -- to admit to myself that I have put myself in a dangerous position, and that I need to be more careful.
  25. Like
    Lori123 got a reaction from Jarmusch in Marriage In Trouble? Over? I Don't Have A Clue.   
    My husband and I have been together for 18 years. Before me, he never had a serious or long-term relationship. I, on the other hand, had been married once before. My husband is also the child of an alcoholic -- a very violent one. He learned very early not to trust other people, and that there was no one to count on in life but himself. His only friend is one of his brothers, and they do everything together. They went to school together, started a business together, and now have closed that business and are working on a new one.
    My husband is bright and funny. He is extremely loyal. He has very high morals, and is a wonderful person. Although he has this really tough exterior and still, to this day, hasn't completely let me in, you can see everything in his eyes. He has the innocent eyes of a child. Little kids and animals gravitate toward him like he's a magnet. He hand feeds squirrels in our yard!
    Despite how much I've always loved him, I am beginning to feel like my depression is fed by the fact that he does not love me back in the same way. We broke up once for a short time (before we married), during which time I dated a great guy who loved me to pieces. I just didn't love him nearly as much as I loved my husband. I decided then that, for me, it was more important to my psyche that I love with all my heart, than that I be loved that way by someone. I missed him terribly. We got back together, and eventually married.
    My depression has been bad for almost two years, during which time I had a mental breakdown, and then attempted suicide. I have been trying to climb out of that hole ever since, using medication, and seeing my psychiatrist for actual therapy on a regular basis. I think I've made progress. But I'm still not right.
    The problem with my relationship is that my husband treats me like I'm his daughter, rather than his wife. He scolds me constantly, pointing out my every flaw. With him, I've always loved and treasured every little detail about him, and never pointed out anything negative. I don't say "I told you so," I never nag him -- what's there to nag about? -- and I never ask him where he's going, or put any "restrictions" on him. I trust him, and believe that he is entitled to be treated like an adult. He is responsible, and so I'm not going to treat him like a child by making him call me or tell me where he's at or whatever. He doesn't go to strip clubs or bars, but if he did, I wouldn't care. I'm just not like that. When he gets pee on the toilet seat, I think it's cute. Seriously.
    But the way he is with me is . . . not good. He does give me the same freedom to come and go, so he's not nosey. But he nags me constantly. About everything. He gets on me when I drive through a puddle and get dirt splashes on my car. I got a flat tire a few weeks ago, and it was my fault. He chastizes me for leaving a light on by accident. God help me if I leave clothes in the dryer.
    I've attempted to talk to him time and again. A couple of weeks ago, I told him that I thought we really needed to do some work on our marriage. He agreed. I suggested we talk once a week -- just like if we were going to a counselor (which he refuses to do). So, we started with him talking and me taking notes. He told me that he doesn't feel like I contribute enough around the house. So, I've been trying to be a lot better about that. Despite my lack of energy and motivation, I've started to take on more of the household chores. I thought by doing that for a while, maybe it would make him happy and he'd be more willing to listen to some of the things I think are missing (physical affection -- just holding me, or kissing me, or laying on the couch with me). But he's not interested in talking any more, at least not right now.
    There's so much to this story but it's already way too long. Just suffice it to say that he has a real problem with demonstrating affection. Even when we have sex, it feels somewhat mechanical, like he's holding back. The bottom line is that, after 18 years, he still doesn't open up to me, and still can't bring himself to hold me. We've had numerous conversations about it.
    I don't know what to do any more. I get up every day knowing that I'm going to be criticized for at least one thing. And if he's not in a really good mood, I know I'm going to get the silent treatment. It's even difficult to engage him in innocuous conversation without it turning into an opportunity for him to criticize me.
    I'm flirting with the idea of leaving. But I have invested so much time and love in him and us. And we have a dog. I hate living in apartments, and I hate moving. I don't have money to buy my own home and wouldn't want to anyway. I guess the reason I'm posting this is I'm hoping for some advice on either what else I can try, or if it's possible for me to break through that wall of his. Or, if anyone thinks this is contributing to my depression or not.
    As I said, he refuses to go to counseling. I've asked over and over, so that is not an option. For now, I'm going to continue to try to force the "self counseling sessions" on us, and I'm going to continue to try to give him the things he's asked me for (i.e., more help around the house). That's all I can think to do. If anyone has any ideas, I would really appreciate hearing them.
    I would just love for him to see me as the miraculous gift I've always seen him to be. But to him, I'm just a responsibility that he doesn't want. He's said that -- in two separate thoughts. That he feels responsible for me, and he doesn't like it. He doesn't want to be responsible for anyone else.
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