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Everything posted by Lori123

  1. This is my life right now too! I can't stop feeling like I'm constantly getting screwed over or kicked in the gut at work. My boss did something completely rude today -- one of those things that you'd hear and say, "No, you just don't do that to people." It was completely unprofessional. She's a fairly new manager, so I know she is green and doesn't realize how thoughtless she is. I called her on it; was calm about it, and just said I found her decision disheartening, and that I would like to have had the courtesy of completing my project before she just yanked it away and gave it to someone else. I explained that when I start a project, I want to see it through to the end. She of course got defensive and accused me of saying things I absolutely did not say (which is clear if you read my email, but she doesn't read, which is just another insult). I get so tired of being treated like this, and no matter what I do -- whether I have my depression under control or not -- I can't get the other person to understand or admit they've done anything inappropriate, and it's maddening. I know I'm not hallucinating this shit! What is so freaking hard about apologizing when you've done something wrong? And why don't I ever seem to deserve that much?? I freaking HATE work. All work. It's all bullshit that has nothing to do with why we exist. I know I wasn't born to do other people's bidding my whole life, yet I can't see a way out of it. I could quit and be fine for a while, but I'd have to dive right back into job searching, and it would be even harder this time. I have been working for 30 years, and have had like 18 employers. I need to stick at one place for a while. I just can't deal with assholes, or being treated like I'm less than someone else because of their title. And rules like, "You can't talk directly to that person. You need to email me, and let me ask them the question for you." Why am I not "good enough" to talk to this person?! It's the same story everywhere I end up. Work alone is enough to make me want to walk into traffic or try to get COVID. I wish I had an answer, believe me. I just try to get what enjoyment I can out of the rest of my life, and hope I don't live too long.
  2. I understand this feeling too well. I believe when you get to this point--where you feel like you can't do anything right--it's a dangerous spot to stay in. It's hard to get out of, but you CAN get out. The ideas about you being unworthy and always letting people down is depression taking over. It's not true. You are perfectly capable. Depression warps your perception and makes you see only the worst in yourself, and it's magnified a thousand times. It's not real -- it's like funhouse mirrors. Remind yourself that although it feels very real -- and the hurt is definitely real -- there is no truth to those thoughts. I always ask people this, but have you tried any medication, or talked with anyone about it? It's been the only thing that saved me and got me out of that hole, more than once. Different medications work for different people. I take one that is supposed to have bad side effects, but I have none, and I take three times the average dose. You just have to keep trying different meds and different dosages until you find what works for you. Whatever you do, don't stop fighting to claw your way out of the hole. You can do it.
  3. I haven't been to this site in I don't know how long. Probably a couple of years. I came here today because I seriously want to beat the shit out of someone -- anyone. I have RARELY had anger associated with my depression. I am generally not an angry person. Frustrated a lot, but not I-want-to-break-something angry. Today, this is where I am. I am really F'ing TIRED of not being acknowledged; of not being enough; of being made to feel "less than." I normally enjoy taking my dogs outside in the morning and watching the birds, and watching the bees working in the flowers. Today, my thought was, "You bees do more important work than I ever have or ever will." I am 51 years old with a TON of experience in my field and I can't get a ****ing job and today I'm done with being sad over it and I am pissed. I am tired of buying shitty merchandise that's obviously been made with no kind of care, when I am someone who obsesses over my work and insists on perfection. Yet I'M the one who's unemployed, and millions of idiots doing half-assed work are all taking home a paycheck. My boss at the position I was laid off from was one of the worst offenders. That company has no idea they let go of the wrong person. And guess what? They don't care. No one does. No one cares about doing quality work, or having people on their team who care about their jobs, because people like me always look for ways to do things better -- improve processes and operations -- and most people do not like change, and definitely don't want to do the work required to make improvements. They are LAZY, and don't like other people making them look bad. I will not go into any job and "lie low," or pretend to be stupid, or ignore problems just so I can stay employed. That makes no sense!!!!!!!!! I just seriously want to beat someone into hiring me right now. I wish I knew someone in the mob.
  4. While you're waiting to find your next relationship, be kind to yourself. Do loving things as a way to show yourself that you care about yourself. What you're feeling is just the sucky part of being a human being. It really does get easier with time.
  5. It's so difficult to try to hide depression. The only thing I can suggest is that you try to really focus on work -- get into it. Throw total energy into it while you're there. One thing that has helped me in the past is having something to listen to or watch while I get ready for work in the morning that makes me laugh. Get on Netflix or Hulu and watch a couple episodes of The Office or Parks & Recreation in the morning. Or watch comedy routines. Whatever will get you at least one good, long laugh to kick off your day. It really helps.
  6. This sounds like abusive behavior. Unfortunately, that kind of behavior is tolerated by some retail businesses. You'd be hard-pressed to find any other type of business that would put up with it, though. Look for a new job. When you get a job offer, talk to the new employer about your upcoming travel obligation. IMO, you don't want to work for someone who won't understand that and let you have the time off.
  7. I have been in a similar place emotionally, and I promise you, it does get better. Even though you feel like you're laying at the bottom of a deep, black pit, with no energy to even look up, much less sit up, or stand up (and, you think, "forget about climbing out"). It sounds to me like you're stuck right now in a depressed state, and need help to be able to take that first step -- to look up. The only way I've ever been able to do it is with the right medication. I strongly suggest you see someone -- preferably a psychiatrist who also does talk therapy; someone who understands depression, will listen to everything you have to say, and work with you to find the right med and dosage. If you've never seen anyone before or been on anti-depressants, I have to warn you that it can be tricky finding both the right doctor and the right medication. It takes some experience before you start to figure out what is really working and what isn't. If you see someone, keep trying different meds and aren't experiencing any relief, find someone else. That person is not listening. Once you have that taken care of, you'll see -- that fog will begin to clear, and life will start to feel normal again. That's when you'll be able to really think about things, and sort out your feelings about your girlfriend and your relationship. You really can feel so much better than you do right now. Really, I promise. When you get there, you won't believe how good it feels. There's something very empowering about grabbing depression by the balls and telling it to F off.
  8. There's something called "the fallacy of sunk cost" that's going on here -- the idea that you've put in the time and money, so you have to finish the degree or all that time and expense will go to waste. The truth is that the only time wasted would be that spent doing something you absolutely know is wrong for you. If that's how you feel, and you make a change now, you won't have lost anything, because it took this whole experience to teach you that being a vet (in Europe, at least) isn't right for you. You have discovered something about yourself and are facing it. It takes some people decades to get there, so this is a real accomplishment. I know the situation is distressing for you, but it really is going to be okay. Have you looked into talking with a career counselor or coach?
  9. I took Effexor XR for several years, and it worked wonderfully. Never had any side effects. Then I had to purchase my own health insurance, and the drug wasn't covered, and the cost of the drug at that time was about the same as the cost of the insurance (roughly $400-$500/month). I couldn't afford that. My doctor managed to keep me supplied with samples for several months. Eventually, those ran out. Nothing else worked, and I wound up in a deep depression. Four years later, I climbed out of it by finally increasing my dosage massively (as well as upping my levothyroxin -- I have an underactive thyroid). It works just as well as ever, but it did take drastically increasing the dosage, and the added energy boost from the Levo.
  10. I'm way out of my normal routine right now. My husband and I live in different states; he's been getting our house ready to sell. I came home to work from here for about a month, so my routine is pretty upside-down. I'm really bad about remembering to take my meds. At my apartment, I set the pills out at night, and when I take them in the morning, I put them away. If I'm about to leave and the bottle is still sitting on my stove, I know I haven't taken it. I haven't set up a "system" like that for being here at home. I don't remember if I took my Effexor this morning or not, but I'm wondering if maybe I did forget it because of what's going on with me. I've tried looking for information online, and all I can find is post after post of people talking about terrible side effects, but few are saying what the side effects are!! I'm a crying mess and I have no appetite right now, and that means depression. This is a stressful time for me anyway because of my job -- so stressful that I barely slept at all last night. But Effexor XR has been my miracle drug, and I find it hard to believe that it just suddenly stopped working for me. Has anyone experienced depression symptoms when missing a single dose?
  11. I don't have personal experience with this, but I know from observation that some people seem to have that problem and others don't, and my impression has always been that it has everything to do with fit. If you haven't already done so, I'd suggest sharing your concerns with the doctor who's taking care of you, and letting him/her know you are extremely concerned about the fit of your new dentures. Be picky about it! I'm sure they are expensive, so you want them to be comfortable and functional, and you want to feel confident wearing them. Be firm -- don't accept them if they are not perfect. Oh -- my dad always had really bad trouble with his teeth, has lost most of them now, and has worn dentures for I can't remember how long. He wouldn't ever overspend on something like that, and yet his speech has never been affected. So I absolutely believe it's possible to pay a reasonable fee for them and have them fit right.
  12. I’ve been on different ones at different times, and YES, THEY WORK! When they have worked well for me, I feel like my old self again — not flat and emotionless. Often, when you first start taking an anti-depressant, you might feel flat at first before you start to feel better. You just need to give it time. Or, it could be the wrong med or dosage for you.
  13. I have been diagnosed as having severe, treatment-resistant depression. "Melancholic" hasn't come up, so I don't know if those are interchangeable terms, or if one is a sub-type of the other. I got this way gradually. It started as just plain-old depression. About 10 years in, I landed on a medication that worked great for me, and I was doing well. Then my health insurance changed, med was no longer covered, and I couldn't afford over $400 a month. So, I switched to something that was covered. That's when things got worse. Career woes started to take a toll on my marriage. So that, on top of crappy medication, sent me into a downward spiral. It started late 2008, and I'm still dealing with it. The medication that worked well for me was Effexor XR. I'm back on it now -- have been since 2010 -- but I'm at the max dosage and it no longer works as well. My doctor has me adding different meds to it; right now I'm also on Viibryd, but it doesn't seem to be working so great. Of course, my career is crap again, so there's that. The only other thing that helps me is distraction. That can be really hard when you're depressed, as it's hard to get motivated to do anything. But it does help, even if it's just temporary. I also seem to feel better when I have something fun planned a couple of months in advance, like a trip. Planning it gives me the distraction I need, and looking forward to it gives me a lift.
  14. Giving yourself that six-months' timeframe is a good idea. It sounds to me like you have a roadmap, and the focus and determination to stick to it. It's going to suck for a while, but when you come out on the other side, trust me, you will value having had this experience, awful though it may be.
  15. I've been there -- it is a horrible feeling. I felt like giving up completely. What helped me at the time -- a lot -- was starting on anti-depressants. This was back when I was first diagnosed with depression, so I didn't know what was going on, or that a medication could help. It made a HUGE difference. It helped me to start climbing out of that deep well, and get to the point where I was strong enough to extricate myself from that awful relationship. From that point on, things just got better and better. Think about yourself. You deserve better; you have to believe that. A person who loves deeply deserves to be loved deeply in return.
  16. Faith71: This will sound trite, I know, but it's so true -- you're there for him, and that is helping, even if it doesn't seem like it is. It really makes a difference.
  17. I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but I'm going to try. I was pretty young when I first married, and I married the wrong guy. We were together four years when I left. It was AWFUL! I had become horribly depressed, and it took me a while to figure out that's what was happening, and that it was because of my marriage. Facing that truth and moving out were so hard, but I was lucky because I was able to move in with my parents. I made almost no money back then, so I couldn't put a roof over my head. I got involved with someone at work too. That was an even bigger disaster. I wound up even more depressed, chasing after that moron once he got tired of me. It took me a while to climb up from that mess, but I did. And while it was going on, I got a slightly better job, and then one that was a lot better. My advice to you would be 1: If there's any way you can avoid moving back in with the husband, do it. Is there a way for you to connect with some potential roommates? Or rent a room? 2: I'm sure you've already got your eye out for another job. But in the mean time, can you pick up a part-time job on the side? 3: You said you have no debt, which is great. Maybe now is one of those times when it's not such a bad thing to accrue a little. Do you have any credit cards? Apply for a couple now while you still have your job, just in case. 4: You don't have to give up the new man, but don't get your heart set on him being around forever. Enjoy being with him, and don't think too much about him when he's not around. Try to keep your heart from going down that awful hole. This is your time to figure out what you want, and where you want to live.
  18. I agree with the poster who said find a new therapist. They're not all winners! And they also have different styles. It can take patience to find the right one. The medication is either not a high enough dosage for him, or it's the wrong med completely. And of course, if he's not taking it consistently, there's no way to know for sure if it would be helpful or not. I know everyone is different, but my experience with Zoloft was that it helped my mood, but also made me very tired. When you're trying to pull yourself out of depression, being tired doesn't help.
  19. I deal with depression. My husband -- we've been together 21 years -- he was abused as a child, probably from birth. As a result, he's kind of detached. I know he loves me very much, but he does not like affectionate touching, and when I'm down, he kind of gets freaked out by it. He doesn't know what to do, really, so he just backs off, which is the worst thing. I need him closer, and he pulls away and gets quiet. So I know what you're talking about. A few years ago, before I understood that he was reacting to my depression, it created this awful downward spiral for both of us. I saw him pulling away from me, and became convinced he was going to leave me. My depression got worse and worse. He actually did go to see my psychiatrist with me once after that happened, but I don't think it accomplished anything, and he refuses to ever go again. We've been going through this again a little over the last few days, so I started reading yesterday about attachment styles and disorders, and I think he's avoidant-dissmissive, or dismissive-avoidant, or whatever it's called. Basically, as a child, he was neglected and treated so badly that he couldn't depend on anyone, so he learned to become completely independent. This type of person, as I understand it, places value on their independence above everything else. The kicker was when I got to the part about the dismissive-avoidant not wanting to depend on anyone for anything, and not wanting anyone to be dependent upon them. My husband has said those exact words to me. If he asks me to do something for him and I forget to do it, it's like I've committed the worst possible insult one human can commit on another. He depended on me for something, and I let him down. It's taken me this long to learn that when he says, "Hey, no big deal, but when you have time, could you do X?" whatever he's asking me to do is really important, and I need to do it right away. If I respond the way I'm hearing the request -- like it's no big deal, and I take a week or more to get around to it -- he thinks I don't love him, and don't respect him. I don't know if your wife has anything that deep going on with her or not. Maybe in her case, it's not at the magnitude of a disorder, but is more just her "attachment style." You might try searching on that term -- you'll come up with lots of articles and posts about the different attachment styles, and how they interact with one another. I think it might help if you could understand how she needs love expressed. But the two of you need to talk to each other about what you each need, and come to an agreement on what should happen when you're dealing with your depression. If she learns to recognize it, then maybe she will make more of an effort to offer comfort to you in the way you need, rather than pulling away and making you feel worse. She probably doesn't get that's what is happening.
  20. VeryTrying — thanks for saying that. I hope you’re right. I’m trying to stay positive, and figure out what to do next. 20Years — Everyone I’ve told has said the same thing about the company that offered the job. I know in my gut I made the right decision. I keep questioning it though; wondering if I should have taken it just to get into that market. But then my gut chimes in again and says no. I hate that I’ve spent so much of my life living somewhere I don’t like, doing work I don’t like. I’ve done it because I love my husband. He doesn’t see it that way, though. He says that if I were alone, I’d still have to support myself, so I’d still be doing the same work. Yes, that’s completely true. But if I were alone, I’d have left this place 20 years ago! I wanted to move around and live in different parts of the country. I did not want to be a slug who just picked a spot and prepared to decay. Now, after 20 years, I have a (begrudgingly) green light from my husband to look for a job where I can imagine us spending the rest of our lives (I’m not counting on us ever being able to move again). And I just want to GET THERE ALREADY. I’m years overdue for this move, so this is torture. I told myself last year that this May was my cutoff, and that if I hadn’t found a full-time job by then, I was going to move anyway and freelance so that I’d be in-market and could look for a full-time job. Now my car is dying and I’ve got to throw half my savings into getting a new one, and I’ll have a car payment. Plus, I can see my husband isn’t ready for this move. So I’m trying to come up with an adjusted, reasonable time table. The other thing I’m up against is the fact that my current job is . It pays well, but I’m not using my brain at all. I’m not learning anything new, and I feel like I’m starting to lose the skills I have. It’s not a good place for me to be. But I can’t quit, get another job here, then quit again. It would be better if I could just quit and move. Maybe I can give myself until end of summer. I don’t know.
  21. For the past couple of months, I’ve felt like I’ve made some progress; got back some motivation. I set a goal for myself a year ago — career related — and focused on it and started making things happen. I have gone to a lot of effort and expense. This year, I kicked it into high gear. Made plans to attend a conference, and started pre-networking, setting up meetings and interviews for the week of the conference. It was a busy and productive week. I had an actual interview for what seemed to be a really good job at a nice company, and it couldn’t have gone better. Then, I started interviewing with an even cooler company, for an amazing position. I ended up getting an offer from the first company, but by the time they got around to offering me the job, they had p***** me off — jerked me around a little, then gave me an impossible start date. I turned it down. I couldn’t short my employer on two weeks’ notice just because the new employer couldn’t wait. And if they’d offered me the job sooner, it wouldn’t have been a problem. Anyway, the other company wanted to fly me out for an interview. That’s the first time in my life anyone has ever wanted to fly me somewhere for a job interview. I was beyond thrilled. Then a few hours after I got my itinerary, they called to say they were putting the position on hold. Crash. I feel like I just hit a brick wall. I have been working so hard for this, and now I have nothing to show for it. My industry is tough because there are a lot of people in it. I want to move to another city, but that city is already loaded with candidates, so they don’t need to look out of state. My skill isn’t one that’s very highly valued, so the fact that I’d found two positions close to my current salary was a miracle. The other job listings out there are all paying $25k or more less than what I make now, and I can’t take that large of a pay cut. I know I’m lucky to even have a job. But I hate living here. I’ve been stuck here for over 30 years now, and wanting to leave, but stuck because of my husband’s work. Now we can finally move, but only if I find a good-paying job. It’s a lot of pressure, and at times, it’s felt impossible. I had finally thought I nailed it, and now I’m back at zero. I don’t know what to do now.
  22. I feel like crap lately. I don't know what to do to get it in check, either. We're experimenting with my medication, so I'll just cross my fingers and hope that helps. I'm looking for a new job (I am employed), and working really hard at it -- networking, reaching out, etc. I've done something that I've read about my entire life -- requesting meetings for informational interviews. Hardly anyone has even responded. A couple of people who did respond basically said, "We're not hiring right now." Okay, I know you're not hiring, hence the term "informational" interview. I'm tired. I feel fat. I can't stop eating, and I hate that. And my job is so ridiculous. I mean, my career is ridiculous enough, and I don't like it, but this job is beyond stupid. Of course, it would make sense that I'm making more money than I ever have! (I can't complain about that part.) I've tried changing careers -- gave it my absolute all; did everything I could and more than most people would do -- and failed. So I no longer believe you can "be anything" or "do anything." That's a bunch of crap. I heard an interview with Tony Robbins this weekend, and he even stated as much. He said not everyone is lucky enough to be able to make a living at what they're passionate about. Those people need to turn their passion into a hobby. Great. I hate that we all have a finite, very short time on this planet, and have to spend most of it doing things other people tell us we have to do, rather than doing things we'd like to do. It's asinine.
  23. @Saliency: The first thing I thought of when I saw this part of your post was something a former counselor told me. She worked in a very affluent suburb, and had a lot of clients who were trophy wives. She said she had more than one of them seeing her because they were miserable and felt completely trapped. Of course, you can't stereotype, but think about who has money: CEOs and other dysfunctional, sociopathic a-holes. These women were given very strict rules, and at least one of them knew her husband was cheating on her -- the counselor's point was that they all felt like property, and were depressed as a result. So marrying for money can be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Just be careful.
  24. Lori123


    Thanks, Lauryn. I’m really trying to keep an open mind. Unfortunately, I live in an area where it seems there’s more of a lack of concern about animals in general (Texas). I actually live on a street with speed bumps, so it’s almost impossible to speed, yet there are dead animals on our street all the time. Last summer, a person ran down a duck during the middle of the day. It happened in a clear area, where no cars were parked, so the driver would have seen the duck from a distance. This is a residential street, with speed bumps. And he or she felt the need to **** the duck. My husband and I feed the squirrels in our yard. We had a mama with two babies one year. The mama squirrel had gotten to the point where she would eat from our hands, and come up to our back door. One of the babies fell out of its nest a couple of times, and we picked him up and put him in a safe spot in the tree — with mama watching. She came down to where we had put him, right in front of us, and scooped him up and took him back up to the nest. It was so cool. One morning as I was leaving for work, I saw a dead squirrel in the street right in front of our house. I grabbed a dustpan, and when I went out to pick it up, noticed immediately that she was still warm and soft, so it had just happened. (There’s an elementary school right at the end of our street, and it’s in a school zone. This was during school drop-off time. If it wasn’t done maliciously, it was done out of complete carelessness.) After that, mama squirrel didn’t come around anymore. I’ve always believed that was her, though I couldn’t be sure.
  25. Lori123


    I saw a psychologist several years back who was big into CBT, and she kept promoting the basic principles. It never appealed to me, or felt like a real solution. I couldn’t accept it. Eventually my depression got worse and I wound up seeing a psychiatrist instead. For the past few years, my doc and I have been focused on getting my depression under control with medication. Her belief — and I agree — is that it doesn’t make sense to embark on a talk-therapy program until you have the depression stabilized. So I’m doing better, and recently, we started working on it from a CBT angle. It finally dawned on me why I had such a hard time with CBT before. As I told my doctor, if I change the way I think, I’m changing my personality. Changing who I am. I don’t think I should have to completely change myself in order to not be depressed. She explained that what that statement tells her is that at least some of my thought patterns that get me into trouble are “core beliefs” — that they are part of my map of the world, and so they’re not impossible to change, but will be that much more difficult. Yay. Here’s an example of where I have trouble: I see certain things as being a certain way, and you won’t convince me otherwise. Like, I believe animals’ lives are as valuable as humans’. So when I’m driving down a residential street and I see a dead squirrel in the road, I get really upset. The speed limit is 30 or 35 mph, which gives you enough time to stop. If you’re driving the speed limit and can’t stop in time for a squirrel, then you’re saying you’d hit a kid just as soon as you would an animal at that speed, because both can dart out into traffic quickly. But I don’t see dead kids all along the road, just animals. So my conclusion is that people are careful around kids, but don’t think twice about running down an animal. I think this is horrible, and I want to beat the crap out of everyone who hits an animal. I honestly think if I saw it happen, I’d chase the person down just to yell at them. I carry a dustpan in the trunk of my car so that I can move dead animals off to the side of the road, just so they won’t get squished into nothing by drivers who can’t be bothered to swerve around them. It’s bad enough that the poor little animal is dead, do you have to show absolutely no respect by driving over their dead body?? So if somehow I am successful at changing this thought pattern through CBT, does that mean I become a mean, heartless person who runs over animals?!? I don’t want to be that! I don’t want to continue being angry and sad every day because I see a dead animal on the way to work. But I would rather deal with that than become callous.
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