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Lori123 last won the day on January 3 2012

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  1. I have felt this way about certain jobs myself. Since this post is several years old, I hope the OP has long since moved on to something less stressful and more enjoyable, I have found that what makes a job enjoyable are the people. Find a place where you click with at least a couple of people—the kind who get your sense of humor.
  2. One of the few things that helps me is working in my yard. I trim all my plants similar to bonsais in that I use small tools and am very meticulous with how I cut. I also spend a lot of time cleaning leaves out of the rock beds. I can get lost for hours doing it. The best thing is that even when I feel completely unmotivated, I can get myself to do this. Find something you can lose yourself in from time to time. That helps if you have big chunks of time. For quick fixes, I’m at a loss.
  3. The thing you already know is that dying ends all of the suffering, the worries, the freaking out, the money problems. It wipes the whole slate clean. So, knowing that you always have that out, you're actually free, then, to take chances. Do something to shake yourself out of your current state in some way. Maybe that's looking at job listings to see if there's something better out there; maybe it's seeing if there's a financial change you could make that would get you back on track. (Marcus bank has some good deals on CDs right now, for example. There's one that lets you take your money out at any time, and all that happens is that you forfeit any interest you earned to that point, so there's no risk.) Once you take a step in that direction, you start to feel more in control, and then you start to feel more motivated to do more. Watching your bills inch closer and closer to being paid off and your savings grow--even just by bits at a time--can get kind of addictive. Sometimes a little change like that is just what you need to kickstart your motivation. The finance problem is one that is real, and it's scary, but it is not insurmountable. It just feels that way when you're depressed. I hope this doesn't sound trite. I know exactly where you are, and it's a dark place. it's hard to find the energy to take a single step to get yourself out of there, but that's what you need. This is my attempt to push you a little. It may not be enough, but that's okay--I can push harder! There is going to be something--a moment, a day, an event, a sight--that makes you say, "I'm thankful I am here to experience this." You just need to keep going through the shit until you can get there. It will be worth it, I swear.
  4. I definitely understand "distress mode." I'm still trying to work on getting out of it. I just talked with my counselor about this exact issue. She said that when I feel that distress rise up, the first thing to do is notice it without doing anything else. Just realize that it's happening, and note what caused it to happen. That part, I knew already, and have worked on for long enough that I have gotten to the point where I can distance myself just enough to see what's happening, but not enough to stop feeling the distress. What I need to figure out is how to keep it from affecting my mood. I've at least been successful to the point of stopping myself from responding to something--verbally or in writing--that I'll regret later! She said one thing that can help is if you have something that is your "go to" escape mechanism when those feelings arise. It might be moving yourself physically--going outside, or putting down your laptop, or whatever--or it might be just changing what you're doing, reading, watching or listening to. Think of it like interrupting the connection; like pulling a lamp cord out of the socket. Again, it's taken me quite a while to get the hang of it, so it's not easy, but give it a try. Once you get to the point where you're cognizant right away that you've hit distress mode, even that helps to reduce its impact a little, because you have started to take control of the situation.
  5. I never used to feel that way, but I do now. It started for me with my current job, of all things. I'm not big on work, let's just get that out there. I didn't plan to have a career, and I resent that the world requires me to work. I didn't ask to be born, and I damned sure didn't get here and immediately start jumping up and down and yelling, "Ooh, when can I start doing crap I don't want to do for someone else so they can make money?!?!? Now, please!!!! Oh, and let me do it until I DIE so I never have a moment's peace or a chance to actually enjoy my life!" Sorry for the rant. Despite my hatred of working, I have always met people at work that made it fun. Sometimes, they were the only good thing about my job. Other times, they were simply the best thing about it. But I always found people who I could be myself around and have fun with. . . . until my current job. This place is corporate, but I've had lots of corporate jobs. It's different, though. I like to laugh--it's literally what gets me through life. These people, though--I crack a joke, and I get nothing. And they don't open up. It's as though everyone at this place only wants surface-level relationships. "Don't try to get too close" is the message, and I don't understand it. Regardless, though, I'm left feeling more lonely now. My work people were always the ones I could turn to for advice on anything. Now, I have none. All my old work friends live in another state, and I don't really have anyone I can talk to other than my husband. Unfortunately, he's not an ideal person for me to talk to because he's not . . . normal, for lack of a better word. He has his own history, and it's left him not very empathetic, and not a very good communicator. So I know he is trying to help, but he ends up making me feel worse.
  6. This is my life right now too! I can't stop feeling like I'm constantly getting screwed over or kicked in the gut at work. My boss did something completely rude today -- one of those things that you'd hear and say, "No, you just don't do that to people." It was completely unprofessional. She's a fairly new manager, so I know she is green and doesn't realize how thoughtless she is. I called her on it; was calm about it, and just said I found her decision disheartening, and that I would like to have had the courtesy of completing my project before she just yanked it away and gave it to someone else. I explained that when I start a project, I want to see it through to the end. She of course got defensive and accused me of saying things I absolutely did not say (which is clear if you read my email, but she doesn't read, which is just another insult). I get so tired of being treated like this, and no matter what I do -- whether I have my depression under control or not -- I can't get the other person to understand or admit they've done anything inappropriate, and it's maddening. I know I'm not hallucinating this shit! What is so freaking hard about apologizing when you've done something wrong? And why don't I ever seem to deserve that much?? I freaking HATE work. All work. It's all bullshit that has nothing to do with why we exist. I know I wasn't born to do other people's bidding my whole life, yet I can't see a way out of it. I could quit and be fine for a while, but I'd have to dive right back into job searching, and it would be even harder this time. I have been working for 30 years, and have had like 18 employers. I need to stick at one place for a while. I just can't deal with assholes, or being treated like I'm less than someone else because of their title. And rules like, "You can't talk directly to that person. You need to email me, and let me ask them the question for you." Why am I not "good enough" to talk to this person?! It's the same story everywhere I end up. Work alone is enough to make me want to walk into traffic or try to get COVID. I wish I had an answer, believe me. I just try to get what enjoyment I can out of the rest of my life, and hope I don't live too long.
  7. I understand this feeling too well. I believe when you get to this point--where you feel like you can't do anything right--it's a dangerous spot to stay in. It's hard to get out of, but you CAN get out. The ideas about you being unworthy and always letting people down is depression taking over. It's not true. You are perfectly capable. Depression warps your perception and makes you see only the worst in yourself, and it's magnified a thousand times. It's not real -- it's like funhouse mirrors. Remind yourself that although it feels very real -- and the hurt is definitely real -- there is no truth to those thoughts. I always ask people this, but have you tried any medication, or talked with anyone about it? It's been the only thing that saved me and got me out of that hole, more than once. Different medications work for different people. I take one that is supposed to have bad side effects, but I have none, and I take three times the average dose. You just have to keep trying different meds and different dosages until you find what works for you. Whatever you do, don't stop fighting to claw your way out of the hole. You can do it.
  8. I haven't been to this site in I don't know how long. Probably a couple of years. I came here today because I seriously want to beat the shit out of someone -- anyone. I have RARELY had anger associated with my depression. I am generally not an angry person. Frustrated a lot, but not I-want-to-break-something angry. Today, this is where I am. I am really F'ing TIRED of not being acknowledged; of not being enough; of being made to feel "less than." I normally enjoy taking my dogs outside in the morning and watching the birds, and watching the bees working in the flowers. Today, my thought was, "You bees do more important work than I ever have or ever will." I am 51 years old with a TON of experience in my field and I can't get a ****ing job and today I'm done with being sad over it and I am pissed. I am tired of buying shitty merchandise that's obviously been made with no kind of care, when I am someone who obsesses over my work and insists on perfection. Yet I'M the one who's unemployed, and millions of idiots doing half-assed work are all taking home a paycheck. My boss at the position I was laid off from was one of the worst offenders. That company has no idea they let go of the wrong person. And guess what? They don't care. No one does. No one cares about doing quality work, or having people on their team who care about their jobs, because people like me always look for ways to do things better -- improve processes and operations -- and most people do not like change, and definitely don't want to do the work required to make improvements. They are LAZY, and don't like other people making them look bad. I will not go into any job and "lie low," or pretend to be stupid, or ignore problems just so I can stay employed. That makes no sense!!!!!!!!! I just seriously want to beat someone into hiring me right now. I wish I knew someone in the mob.
  9. While you're waiting to find your next relationship, be kind to yourself. Do loving things as a way to show yourself that you care about yourself. What you're feeling is just the sucky part of being a human being. It really does get easier with time.
  10. It's so difficult to try to hide depression. The only thing I can suggest is that you try to really focus on work -- get into it. Throw total energy into it while you're there. One thing that has helped me in the past is having something to listen to or watch while I get ready for work in the morning that makes me laugh. Get on Netflix or Hulu and watch a couple episodes of The Office or Parks & Recreation in the morning. Or watch comedy routines. Whatever will get you at least one good, long laugh to kick off your day. It really helps.
  11. This sounds like abusive behavior. Unfortunately, that kind of behavior is tolerated by some retail businesses. You'd be hard-pressed to find any other type of business that would put up with it, though. Look for a new job. When you get a job offer, talk to the new employer about your upcoming travel obligation. IMO, you don't want to work for someone who won't understand that and let you have the time off.
  12. I have been in a similar place emotionally, and I promise you, it does get better. Even though you feel like you're laying at the bottom of a deep, black pit, with no energy to even look up, much less sit up, or stand up (and, you think, "forget about climbing out"). It sounds to me like you're stuck right now in a depressed state, and need help to be able to take that first step -- to look up. The only way I've ever been able to do it is with the right medication. I strongly suggest you see someone -- preferably a psychiatrist who also does talk therapy; someone who understands depression, will listen to everything you have to say, and work with you to find the right med and dosage. If you've never seen anyone before or been on anti-depressants, I have to warn you that it can be tricky finding both the right doctor and the right medication. It takes some experience before you start to figure out what is really working and what isn't. If you see someone, keep trying different meds and aren't experiencing any relief, find someone else. That person is not listening. Once you have that taken care of, you'll see -- that fog will begin to clear, and life will start to feel normal again. That's when you'll be able to really think about things, and sort out your feelings about your girlfriend and your relationship. You really can feel so much better than you do right now. Really, I promise. When you get there, you won't believe how good it feels. There's something very empowering about grabbing depression by the balls and telling it to F off.
  13. There's something called "the fallacy of sunk cost" that's going on here -- the idea that you've put in the time and money, so you have to finish the degree or all that time and expense will go to waste. The truth is that the only time wasted would be that spent doing something you absolutely know is wrong for you. If that's how you feel, and you make a change now, you won't have lost anything, because it took this whole experience to teach you that being a vet (in Europe, at least) isn't right for you. You have discovered something about yourself and are facing it. It takes some people decades to get there, so this is a real accomplishment. I know the situation is distressing for you, but it really is going to be okay. Have you looked into talking with a career counselor or coach?
  14. I took Effexor XR for several years, and it worked wonderfully. Never had any side effects. Then I had to purchase my own health insurance, and the drug wasn't covered, and the cost of the drug at that time was about the same as the cost of the insurance (roughly $400-$500/month). I couldn't afford that. My doctor managed to keep me supplied with samples for several months. Eventually, those ran out. Nothing else worked, and I wound up in a deep depression. Four years later, I climbed out of it by finally increasing my dosage massively (as well as upping my levothyroxin -- I have an underactive thyroid). It works just as well as ever, but it did take drastically increasing the dosage, and the added energy boost from the Levo.
  15. I'm way out of my normal routine right now. My husband and I live in different states; he's been getting our house ready to sell. I came home to work from here for about a month, so my routine is pretty upside-down. I'm really bad about remembering to take my meds. At my apartment, I set the pills out at night, and when I take them in the morning, I put them away. If I'm about to leave and the bottle is still sitting on my stove, I know I haven't taken it. I haven't set up a "system" like that for being here at home. I don't remember if I took my Effexor this morning or not, but I'm wondering if maybe I did forget it because of what's going on with me. I've tried looking for information online, and all I can find is post after post of people talking about terrible side effects, but few are saying what the side effects are!! I'm a crying mess and I have no appetite right now, and that means depression. This is a stressful time for me anyway because of my job -- so stressful that I barely slept at all last night. But Effexor XR has been my miracle drug, and I find it hard to believe that it just suddenly stopped working for me. Has anyone experienced depression symptoms when missing a single dose?
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