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newuser

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newuser last won the day on October 18 2013

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About newuser

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  1. Depression definitely impacts my output. In fact, today I "called out" for a mental health day. I put called out in quotes because I work remotely, but we have team meetings today that I just can't deal with. We have a long weekend because of the holiday so I am banking on figuring some stuff out then. Up until now, at this job for about 3 years, I hadn't any issues with output or hitting deadlines, but I have a huge fear that this current episode will cause me to either lose my job or have to voluntarily quit to focus on my mental health. If I could take a month off from work to focus on my health and know the job would be there for me when I returned, I would do it in a heartbeat and even forego my pay; unfortunately that wouldn't be the case so I need to figure out how I will make it all work with my current state...
  2. Well, here I am again. Nearly 4 years later, making an update to my "status" post. Admittedly, I was somewhat reluctant to post an update, mostly because that would mean I had to face the fact that I am in a somewhat similar experience as I was all that time ago. The past 4-ish years have been relatively good. I had bad days, but they didn't last more than a day or so. Any sort of anxiety or depression I felt was fleeting and I was, for the most part, pretty damn content. Like I said in my previous post, I took my last episode "with me"; wherever I went I knew just how low I could get and I was genuinely grateful everyday I was not like that. No matter how grateful you are or how hard you try, life finds a way of throwing you a curveball and that's where I am now. 3 years and 10 months later I am starting to feel the beginning of the low feeling again. For the past week I've been battling some of the worst insomnia I have ever experienced in my life and as many of us know, that is highly connect with depression and anxiety. After more than a few days of much less than optimal sleep, the depression and anxiety starts creeping in. I'm anxious because I am not sleeping well, I am not sleeping well because I am anxious. I hate to say that I am back to that severe low I felt all those years ago, but it looks as though I am close. I have all the same symptoms but the added torture of insomnia (not something experienced last time). With time, patience and understand, I made it through last time and I hope to do the same this time. I've already scheduled appointments with my old therapist and will start my regime of healing any way I can. Just like last time, I hate to come back to the forums with updates showing people just how cyclical these kind of afflictions can be, but at least those afflicted can take comfort that no matter how low you get, you can have long periods of wellness. On my journey I go...
  3. I hope you are having a marvelous day! LGJ

  4. Just wanted to update this post. I am hoping this is the final update, but a big part of me doubts that. The past two weeks + have been generally good. I hate saying that because I am scared I might jinx myself. I find myself doing almost everything I used to when my 'episode' started. I am not 100% but I am getting there. As I always say, I might take a couple steps backs but I am making progress. I am working more, doing my hobbies more, feeling happiness and pleasure again (to a degree). The feelings of fear and gloom are starting to fade, but something about this latest episode stung a little deeper than last time. I have a feeling I will take this experience with me for a very long time and I think that is OK. I think about what sparked everything, and I begin to wonder if there was any good in it, at all. I have done more introspection these last two months than I think I have ever done in my entire life. It is as if I look at life from a whole new perspective, as if I have just now (at the age of 30) became aware of my conscious and subconscious mind and the power it has over our physical and mental well being; it took me off balance a bit, but I am beginning to the see the benefit of being aware of your emotions and state of mind. The good I can see as I am starting to just see a glimmer or light is that I think I know what I want out of life; or at least I am starting to figure out what I want. I was stressed to a great degree when all this started but I wonder if perhaps it was a way for my subconscious to let me know, I am not totally fulfilled. We all know what we need to give us peace and contentment even if it is not totally apparent and clear and I guess that is one of the biggest hurdles we all have jump at a certain time. When you have it you don't think so much about, but it is when you don't that it becomes clear that something is not right. So, like many of you, my journey continues, but I am a bit more optimistic about it. It's not a linear recovery, but in time all wounds will heal. Good luck my friends.
  5. Peace and contentment are slowly finding their way back into my life. I wish everyone the best on their journey. I know for me I won't find these things at the bottom of a bottle or through the words of others, but within myself. My journey continues, but for now I feel alright. I'm OK with alright.

  6. Short vent, but sums up my situation today: I hate the fact that contentment eludes me.
  7. Ugh, not so great today nor last night. Tired of being tired.
  8. Woke up, had some breakfast, didn't immediately think about depression/anxiety mostly due to the fact I was bombarded with work stuff for 2.5 hours before I could even get in the shower. Finished up some work, went to the supermarket to buy some food. Stopped and got myself a slice of delicious pizza. Came home and a friend stopped to hang out for an hour. Have some time to work on my side project now; might go to Whole Foods in a couple hours then watch the Giants game. All after the best weekend in 2 months. Feelin' cautiously optimistic:)
  9. Woke up feeling pretty decent and optimistic (for a brief moment). Made plans and went to hit around some golf balls with my friend for a couple of hours. Just got back, had some lunch and looking forward to an uneventful Saturday! Might go to NYC tomorrow, who knows:)
  10. Felt like absolute crap this morning, feeling better now. My friend came by and hung out for an hour. We just chatted outside in the nice weather. It was quite nice. Hopeful it will be a good night and weekend:)
  11. Hey Knot, If you are anything like me, once your depression went away the first time, you never came back to the forums. I did that, but I felt bad about it...there were too many 'triggers' and once you are feeling good, you don't really have the time to spend on the forums (too much life to live!). My depression last time was sparked by a death in the family. It wasn't specific to my Aunt who passed, although I was very devastated, it took my down a road mentally that really shouldn't be often travelled. I started thinking about mortality and death, and that's what sparked my depression and anxiety. In retrospect, it was a gift in disguise or at least now, 3.5/4 years later I can say that. It made me a better person. After my Aunt passed I made time for my family, time I didn't normally make. Once the cloud left me, the sky was bluer than it ever had been. I took time to smell the roses. In reality, the 3 years after I beat depression the first time, were some of the best years of my life. My grandmother had just moved to the area while I was dealing with the depression. And once I got better (and eve during it) I made sure to visit her weekly. Some weeks I would go there 2-3 times+. I made myself a promise that I need to value the time we have with our loved ones and for the 3.5 years since that episode I went to my grandma's at least once a week (only missing the visits here and there). I came to know my grandmother like I never thought I could. We became friends, we joked, we ate we made awesome memories. She recently passed almost 9 months ago, but I always wonder. Had I not been in the depths of hell on earth (while dealing with depression) distraught with the thoughts of mortality and negative images, perhaps I would not have valued the time I have here on earth as much and maybe not have made such an effort to go see her as often. (sorry for the rant, but I just wanted to show the bright side of even the darkest times; once the clouds clear you will feel like you won the lottery, like you have been given a new lease on life) I really did not do anything special the first time around. I was younger and more naive. I bought a bicycle and started riding it as much as I could. I made sure to keep in contact with friends even though I had no desire to. I tried everyday to do something I enjoyed. I started taking vitamins and herbs to try and combat the symptoms. I took 3 months off of life and focused entirely and finding happiness and defeating the intrusive negative thought processes. There was no magical moment. I got slightly better each day and even took a step backwards sometimes. I eventually thought about the negativity less and less. I had to relearn how to be happy; I had to relearn how to be me. I know it sounds crazy, but I went from a normal, happy go lucky guy, to a person who was anxious going into the pharmacy for 2 minutes. I had to learn how to rationalize real fear and fake fear. It was a process, but I did it. I honestly never thought I would be back on these forums. Within months of beating the depression, I thought I could never feel as bad as I did previously, ever again. I thought I had beaten it for good and the thought of being 'depressed and anxious' was laughable to me. I could openly joke about the past months and how I would lie in bed, trembling from anxiety wanting it all to end. But I was wrong. Once the beast knows where you live, he will come back to visit. The problem is, those gates I put around my 'house' go weak as the years passed. I got lazy, I got arrogant; I let the the "gates' weaken and before I knew it, the beast was back, I was in his clutches. After about 3 months of feeling good, I changed my life. I started eating more healthy and I started exercising regularly. I didn't exercise to ward of depression, I did it because it made me feel good and part of me knew that would help keep my mind and body healthy. After over 2 years of keeping those good habits and being very very content, I got injured playing basketball. I broke a bone in my foot (September of last year). I couldn't exercise. Once that healed I never got back into my good habits. I stopped exercising, I stopped eating well. As a result I became more reclusive (I would go to the gym 3-4 times per week with friends and I would play basketball 1-2 times per week with other friends). I spent more time indoors and stopped doing all those healthy things. My gate was weakening, but I ignored it. Almost exactly one year to the date I hurt my foot, depression creeped back into my life with it's side kick anxiety. Although the manifestation of it is slightly different it is generally the same feelings. Last time it was due to a death in the family this time it is due to major life changes and stressors. I turned 30, I started having financial difficulties. I knew the signs were there but thought I was immune to depression. Almost a week before it really hit I said to myself, "Man, I am the most stressed out I have ever been. I need to hit the gym again and relieve some of this." I didn't hit the gym and it all came tumbling down which resulted in a panic attack. With the panic attack it all started again. Now I am in the same problem I was almost 4 years ago. I have done things a little different and I think to some degree, worse than I did last time. I need to find that bicycle I had last time. I honestly think buying that bike was the best thing I ever did. It gave me an activity where I didn't think about the depression, but I have yet to find my bicycle this time. I am still searching. My advice to anyone who is dealing with depression/anxiety (or has the early signs of it) is this: - Stop googling symptoms, just talk to your doctor. WebMD-ing hasn't helped me I think it harms more people than helps (but it depends on the person, certainly has not helped me) - Don't break your habits/schedule (I did this, and it brings you down further) - Keep busy (yeah, it sucks to hear this, but it helps, trust me...I need to take my own advice here, ironic) - Find someone to talk to (get a therapist and even better a friend who you can confide in) - Get a new hobby (anything that gives you even a little bit of interest) - Keep moving and get out of your own head (get off the couch, seriously, remove your a$$ from the couch) Like I said, I need to take my own advice, had I had that list at the start of my episode, I think I would be in a better spot that I am in now. Anyway, didn't mean to go off on a tangent, you can always PM me if you'd like to chat more. It sounds like you are on the right track, starting meds and talking to you doc is a big step and you should be proud that you did that.
  12. Isn't that the worse? I just went to the bank, literally 3 minute drive and 3 minute procedure. I get frickin nervous before hand, to go to the bank...it quite ridiculous. My fears are completely self created; it's like my brain is addicted to making me feel like turd!
  13. I hear ya Saros, I am lucky enough to have some income coming in while I am in the midst of this hole and still able to perform some light work duties from home (and I mean light). I also have some money in the bank that can cover me for a decent while, but I would lying if I said I didn't think about what will happen in a years time if I remain in the same position I am at. I kind of resigned myself to focus on getting healthy before I seriously look for new/better employment. Perhaps it is a catch22 in your case because it might be the source of some of your depression and anxiety, so not having a job causes you to be deeper in the hole and being deep in the hole causes you to not have a job...sticky situation. Luckily I have family I can depend on and have come to terms with the fact that I am a 30 year old who, for the past couple of months, has become extremely dependent on my parents and siblings. As far as jobs go, you can always get creative and work within your means. You could look for at home positions for the time being just to get a lil extra cash. There are plenty of place that'll hire people with a decent computer and decent computer skills.
  14. We should swap therapists:P And, Amen to the Christmas comments. It's mid-October! Let's get through one holiday before starting the other.
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