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tealtastic

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Everything posted by tealtastic

  1. For me it's a physical sensation, as well as a mental one. Before I started MBT, I felt like I had a gaping black hole at the top of my chest. I used to grab at it with my hands and try to pull it out. It felt like someone had blown a balloon up inside of me and that the Nothing as I called it, was taking me over. Whatever I did, however much I laughed, socialised, succeeded, the Nothing was always there. I'm one year into an 18 month MBT programme and I can't feel the Nothing any more
  2. Hi all, just to update, saw my pdoc yesterday, who had already been contacted by the cpn & my gp. She reluctantly gave me a diagnosis of bipolar II, saying I fit all the criteria for bipolar II (inc the fight starting actually, it's classed as extreme irritability & is apparently quite common). She said she avoided giving the diagnosis because there is so much crossover between bipolar II & borderline personality disorder (BPD) & as a result the diagnosis isn't used much in the UK (news to me) but she said if I was in the US, yes, I'd be classed as bipolar II as well as having BPD. I feel fine now I'm down to 75mg of venlafaxine, and am now being weaned off it altogether. Not sure how I feel about being bipolar as well. It's taken 18 months to get my head around the BPD thing.
  3. Hi all, just to update, saw my pdoc yesterday, who had already been contacted by the cpn & my gp. She reluctantly gave me a diagnosis of bipolar II, saying I fit all the criteria for bipolar II (inc the fight starting actually, it's classed as extreme irritability & is apparently quite common). She said she avoided giving the diagnosis because there is so much crossover between bipolar II & borderline personality disorder & as a result the diagnosis isn't used much in the UK (news to me) but she said if I was in the US, yes, I'd be classed as bipolar II as well as having BPD. I feel fine now I'm down to 75mg of venlafaxine, and am now being weaned off it altogether because I seem to have a heart problem, which it is worsening. Thanks for the links achelois - very helpful x
  4. No I've been on Venlafaxine since last August - for most of the time on 150mg but I felt I was too 'stoned' at that dose so I cut it to 75 without speaking to my pdoc. When she saw me a few weeks afterwards she agreed I seemed a lot better so we kept the halved dose going but then my mood nosedived again & so we put the dose back up to 112.5mg. That was in June. So yeah, I'm not new to Venlafaxine or this dose. That's what I don't understand. I have had weird reactions to ssri's before which is why they switched me to Venlafaxine- I didn't sleep at all for 28 days on citalopram so I was pulled off that because I was so tired I couldn't remember where I lived or my date of birth, then on escitalopram I thought I had a bionic arm & kept getting severe dissociation which affected my vision/hearing, then on sertraline I couldn't feel my legs & i kept flying about the room (more psychosis), I also had to be sedated on the ward because I wouldn't stop pacing about at 100mph. My pdoc says I seem to be hyper sensitive to seratonin based meds.
  5. Hi everyone, I haven't been here for a while (sorry, I just couldn't find the words). I have been on at least 6 different meds since I last posted here & I seem to be having problems with all of them. At present I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder & am on an anti-psychotic/mood stabiliser: Seroquel (100mg) and AD: Venlafaxine (originally was on 150mg but I've cut the dose down to 75mg improve my functioning, have been back at 112.5mg for about 2 months now). The latest from my GP is that I appear to be hypomanic - I've been spending crazy amounts of money, feeling quite 'wired', being uber sociable (I'm normally a recluse), talking non stop, sleeping 3-4hrs & feeling fine the next day, eating hardly anything, walking the dogs 3-4 times per day (I normally struggle to walk them twice a day), getting really irritated & having explosive outbursts - I keep looking out for 'insults' or people shoving me etc so that I can get into fights with strangers. I feel great in myself - I keep looking in the mirror & smiling at myself because I'm so pleased by what I see. I haven't had a makeover or anything, I just seem to feel better about myself. Everyone is commenting on how different I seem (happier, more confident, louder, life & soul of the party etc but also how 'angry' and 'wired' I seem). I've been asked 4 x in two weeks if I'm sure I'm not bipolar. Anyway, the reason I went to my GP is because my consultant (psychiatrist) is away until the end of september. My gp advised me to drop my venlafaxine dose (from 112.5mg to 75mg) until I could get advice from the CMHT (the team responsible for my psychiatric care) but when I went to the CMHT all the doctors were out of the building on call outs. I saw a CPN (psych nurse) who said that what I what I was describing sounded very familiar but he said only my consultant can diagnose me. He said I should do as my GP advised and cut my venlafaxine does by 37.5 mgs and see if it made a difference. Well, after just 2 days, it's definitely made a difference. I still feel wired & strange but not as hyper or angry as I did before. Does anyone understand what's going on here? I have felt like this many times before & told my pdoc all about it but my pdoc has never mentioned bipolar. My GP said she thought I was being monitored for possible bipolar but when she looked at my notes from the pdoc she couldn't see where she'd got that from. I will obviously speak to my pdoc when she gets back at the end of the month, but just wondered if anyone knew anything about snri's causing hypomania - does it automatically mean you're bipolar or is it just the meds doing funny things? Will I be fine now I've lowered the dose?
  6. Hi everyone, I haven't been here for a while (sorry, things have been a bit cr*p). I have been on at least 6 different meds since I last posted here & I seem to be having problems with all of them. I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder & am on an anti-psychotic/mood stabiliser: Seroquel (100mg) and AD: Venlafaxine (originally was on 150mg but I've cut the dose down to 75mg improve my functioning, have been back at 112.5mg for about 2 months now). The latest from my GP is that I appear to be hypomanic - I've been spending crazy amounts of money, feeling quite 'wired', being uber sociable (I'm normally a recluse), talking non stop, sleeping 3-4hrs & feeling fine the next day, eating hardly anything, walking the dogs 3-4 times per day (I normally struggle to walk them twice a day), getting really irritated & having explosive outbursts - I keep looking out for 'insults' or people shoving me etc so that I can get into fights with strangers. I feel great in myself - I keep looking in the mirror & smiling at myself because I'm so pleased by what I see. I haven't had a makeover or anything, I just seem to feel better about myself. Everyone is commenting on how different I seem (happier, more confident, louder, life & soul of the party etc but also how 'angry' and 'wired' I seem). I've been asked 4 x in two weeks if I'm sure I'm not bipolar. Anyway, the reason I went to my GP is because my consultant (psychiatrist) is away until the end of september. My gp advised me to drop my venlafaxine dose (from 112.5mg to 75mg) until I could get advice from the CMHT (the team responsible for my psychiatric care) but when I went to the CMHT all the doctors were out of the building on call outs. I saw a CPN (psych nurse) who said that what I what I was describing sounded very familiar but he said only my consultant can diagnose me. He said I should do as my GP advised and cut my venlafaxine does by 37.5 mgs and see if it made a difference. Well, after just 2 days, it's definitely made a difference. I still feel wired & strange but not as hyper or angry as I did before. Does anyone understand what's going on here? I have felt like this many times before & told my pdoc all about it but my pdoc has never mentioned bipolar. My GP said she thought I was being monitored for possible bipolar but when she looked at my notes from the pdoc she couldn't see where she'd got that from. I will obviously speak to my pdoc when she gets back at the end of the month, but just wondered if anyone knew anything about snri's causing hypomania - does it automatically mean you're bipolar or is it just the meds doing funny things? Will I be fine now I've lowered the dose?
  7. When I first got my diagnosis I fell apart (in fact I think there is a distraught post from me on here somewhere). I don't know anything about myself, except a few basic things like I have an explosive temper, I think in very black & white terms, I push everyone away to bring them close, I zone out constantly & so on. So then I get my diagnosis & it's like: EVERYTHING I knew about myself was on the criteria for BPD - I felt like I was a walking embodiment of the disorder; as if there was nothing about me that wasn't classed as disordered. I did what you are doing now. I bought dozens of books on BDP & tried to educate myself. It's the best thing I've done. It's very empowering. I'm still very sick (I am a very low functioning borderline at present) but at least I can make sense of what's happening to me. My pdoc freely admits I know more about BPD than she does! The world has always been a really confusing place to me where I just didn't fit. Arming myself with the ins & outs of borderline has helped me understand myself & how i relate to the world; it hasn't changed my behaviour or my thinking at the time, but it's given me the ability to reflect afterwards & in that way, to come to terms with things rather than replaying them over & over or beating myself up over something stupid hat i just can't help.
  8. I wasn't going to post today, just have a look round. Then I saw your post. I could have written it myself. I have tears in my eyes trying to reply. Sorry if I can't say anything helpful, I just wanted you to know you're not mad & that you're not the only one. Identity confusion is the symptom of BPD which I find hardest to deal with & which drives my depression. You are not crazy and you're certainly not alone in feeling this. I go to a support group for people with PD & most of the group express similar ideas all the time. I have no idea who I am, I am not even a person. I feel hollow, like an Easter Egg, as if I might shatter any minute & then the truth will be exposed, that there's nothing inside. When I try & tell people without BPD I'm not a person, they say, "yes you are, I can see you, I can touch you" but they don't understand that what they see is just a shell, there is nothing inside. I feel like a shop mannequin, so I have to put on a person, like the mannequin puts on clothes in order to become real. I am whoever I am with, whoever they need me to be. So when I'm on my own, I cease to exist. I don't know how to spend my time because I don't know what I like or anything so I just sit there & stare. I had felt so ashamed to admit I didn't know anything about myself and then I met other borderlines & realised it quite normal. Now I have lots of borderline friends & I know I'm not alone with this. When I said to P. (my friend) that I'm not a person, I'm just a mannequin, she said, "Do you mean like when you decide to be a librarian so you go out to buy things a librarian would wear & own then you put them on & you're a librarian & then everything's ok for a bit and then suddenly you decide you need to be someone else & you have to start again". I had a therapy session yesterday & it was really hard. The most upsetting bit was when she said to me "what is your voice?" I said, "I don't have one". She said "I don't mean in terms of feeling heard, I mean speaking, what is your voice?" I said "I don't have a voice". She said, "What about the voice speaking now? Is this your voice?" I said "I don't know" and burst into tears. There are lots of voices in my mouth, but none of them are mine :verysad3:
  9. From Mind (major UK mental health charity)'s website: Antisocial personality disorder (APD) This is known as
  10. I think the pdoc you spoke to got muddled up. It's Antisocial Personality Disorder (this disorder includes the subgroup psychopaths) which is mostly found in criminals! That's another PD in the same cluster (i.e. an emotional PD) but is totally different from BPD. Silly man. He should know this.
  11. Hello my friends I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I have been popping in a lot & checking on you all but not posting anything. I find it really hard to communicate at the mo. It's like I can't connect with anyone or anything. I'm stuck on the other side of the wall I feel so empty I can't quite breathe - like I don't even have any lungs in there now. I thought my new meds were helping (finally) but it's all the same. I see so many doctors but it doesn't change anything. I am crashing really fast again How is everyone else??? I am sorry I haven't been supportive lately, I just don't have the words anymore but I do still care.
  12. Just stopping by to say I care (even if you don't believe me, lol). Sending you lots of strength :)

  13. AricB You sound like you're in a lot of pain right now. I know that right now, you can't remember feeling any different, or believe that these emotions will fade, but probably the only good thing about our illness is that the bad feelings WILL pass eventually. There's always a brighter day around the corner. Hold on to that. I understand exactly what you're describing and it's really painful. Whenever anyone hugs me I freeze too. Then I pull away too soon, because I don't believe that deep down they really want to hug me at all. I'm still waiting for that hug that feels right too Are you getting any professional support? I find that just being able to talk about my pain makes it a little bit more bearable. I'm not sure which country you're in but as well as the medics there are also BPD support groups (in person or online) which can help you feel less isolated in your suffering too. I know it hurts being you & I know how much of a struggle carrying on is. BUT, hold on. Keep going. We're here for you, and we understand. You're not on your own. Please keep talking to us. We will help you through the bad times. Teal
  14. YKYBW... You are sitting with your dog, minding your own business on a bus when a weird lady starts telling everyone on the bus that your evil dog is going to attack them any minute & **** them. When she advises everyone around her to kick the dog as they go past it, you TOTALLY flip out. Cue tirade of unhinged ranting which makes the driver pull over & threats that it's not the dog she needed to worry about. You are itching for her to strike 1st when a drunk lady says "Stop it you're scaring the dog", so you stop screaming abuse instantly & switch wholeheartedly to comforting the dog. When the police got on, you are sitting stroking your dog & feeding her treats like nothing happened; they say "hello", stroke the dog and get off again. YKYBW... The following day, a creepy, arrogant man you don't like very much takes issue with something you said & starts raising his voice & trying to intimidate you. You think to yourself, "I'm not having that" and tell him he has small man syndrome & that female or not, you refuse to be intimidated by him. He tells you to shut up or else and carries on shouting at you. You are scared, but you refuse to show it or any sign that you are weak. You keep arguing back even though you can see him getting angrier. He gets up and charges towards you. You're terrified, but you can't show weakness, you have to stand your ground. You won't run. You stay sitting down. Your knight in shining armour (well, 4 of them to be precise) block his path and save you. You feel valid again.
  15. I have a gorgeous Staffordshire Bull Terrier b*tch called Jada (my avatar) who I love more than I could ever say. I got her from a rescue centre 2 months ago. She is my whole world. She has kept me alive when I wanted to give up and with her by my side I am never alone. I don't know now how I ever managed without her. When I am distressed, she stops whatever she is doing, throws herself at me & licks my face until I calm down. She's also given me a routine and forced me to come out from under the duvet & face the world when I just want to hide. I don't think any medication could help me deal with my illness as much as she has!
  16. Thanks R90 today is a little better. And another teacher in the room!!! Woo hoo! That makes three. Hmmm... maybe there's a connection - something about the job perhaps?... I smell a lawsuit I totally know what you mean about the nostalgia thing. I can recall earlier emotions as if I'm right back there. The other day, I was talking about my cat who died 10 years ago & just burst into tears. I was grieving again just like she'd died yesterday. I have been avoiding my ex because I feel the pain of our split as much now as when it happened in february. When I think about our good times, I feel the same happiness I felt on the day. It sucks! Most people get over things and move on, but for us, old emotions - good or bad - seem to linger stubbornly forever.
  17. Awwwww ((((((( Henny ))))))))) I'm sorry you're feeling so scared. I know EXACTLY how you feel & just how scary it is. I know it's horrible but try not to panic. What's happening to you is very common amongst BPD sufferers & people with anxiety disorders. Remember the 9th criteria? About hallucinations/delusions or severe dissociative symptoms? Well you're dissociating. It sounds like you're getting a combination of depersonalisation (where you feel detatched from your body, or like it's not real) and derealisation (where you feel real but the world around you seems strange and unreal). I get both whenever I'm under a lot of stress & it's horrible. My psychologist says it's caused by anxiety; apparently it's a self-protection mechanism (your brain removing you from a stressful situation). If you look in the post traumatic stress room, you should be able to find some more information about it. It will go away. If it doesn't or gets really bad, speak to your pdoc as anti-psychotics can help with this. I take Seroquel to help my dissociation because it lasts so long & gets so bad I can't move off the sofa. Since I've been on seroquel my dissociation has been much better. In the meantime, try some grounding exercises to help you calm down as the more attention you pay to your dissociating, the worse it gets. My psychologist suggested: a) Tuning in to the sound of the clock in a room & focusing exclusively on this sound b) Closing your eyes and describing the room around you - what's in it? Be as specific as you can. c) Touching things around you to remind yourself you are real & you're in that room d) Listening to the sounds around you with your eyes shut & describing them. Hope this helps, Big hugs, Teal
  18. tealtastic

    Wanting To Be Alone

    Just stopped by to give you hug I hope the psychologist appointments are going well & you're feeling a little better Sorry for the rather belated posting, I've been under that big quilt for quite some time myself - sometimes it's just where you need to be.
  19. Ice Baby! Are you a teacher??? I am too! Well, I was until earlier this year when I got so far up my crazy tree it I forgot how to come down! Sorry you're finding things so hard and feeling so crappy; I totally know what you mean about them emotions being all over the place - I can't decide whether I'm climbing out of that hole or falling back into it! The emotional rollercoaster is certainly exhausting I hope the interviews aren't too traumatic & you get the post you're keen on . I'll keep my fingers crossed for you for extra luck x *************** I am not sure how I am today. I have some major drama going on right now in pretty much every aspect of my life & everything is imploding; there's little I can do to stop it so I'm just watching. Have only just pulled through my last crisis a couple of weeks ago, I can feel myself slipping fast again. Having said that, I started Effexor a couple of weeks ago & combined with my Seroquel, this certainly seems to be taking the edge off everything - it's a bit like watching my life on TV; I can see the drama, but I have this strange sensation that I can "turn over" or "switch off" whenever I feel like it. Only problem is, I seem to have lost the remote! Doesn't help that my dissociation is going haywire & I keep taking off (does anyone else get this???) Am seeing my pdoc on a weekly basis at the moment until I'm more stable so at least I'm getting plenty of help with it all. I think my AD dose will be upped again this week so maybe my next post will be: Anyway, enough of me, how is everyone else doing???
  20. Hi Ranjeet, I'm really sorry to hear about your cousin's difficulties. I just wanted to make sure you were aware of the difficulties & dangers of diagnosing personality disorders in under 18s? To be diagnosed with a personality disorder, your difficulties need to be significant, present in a range of social situations AND over a considerable period of time beginning in childhood and continuing into adulthood. Many children grow out of problematic behaviours as they develop better coping strategies with age & experience. It is for this reason that most psychiatrists would not be willing to make a PD diagnosis until the patient is 18.5 years of age. Occasionally, under 18s are given a diagnosis of emerging personality disorder, but rarely before their teens. Personally I would be rather suspicious of any doctor willing to make such a controversial diagnosis at such an early age. I have a PD myself (not avoidant) & yes, it was present in childhood BUT my behaviour would not have appeared significantly different from other naughty/non-compliant/troubled children. I have been a teacher for 8 years & have worked with many school-phobic children and many children who prefer the company of adults or simply their own company. There are so many reasons why a child may choose to isolate themselves- everything from autism to bullying, from school-phobia to hearing difficulties (gromits) or high IQ could explain this behaviour. My point is that before making any diagnosis, the causes of such behaviour need to be thoroughly investigated. My advice would be to speak to a qualified educational psychologist (or failing that, a child psychologist) & see if they can get to the root of the difficulties he's experiencing. Above all, remember to see the person and not the label. Getting a diagnosis of PD can be really helpful to some people, to others it can feel like a life sentence. Try not to place the emphasis on finding a label to his difficulties; what's important is that he gets access to the professional help & support he will certainly need to overcome them. Good luck & best wishes, Teal
  21. Hi Perfect, Yep that's all true. There are no medications (OFFICIALLY) to treat BPD. However, there are lots of meds used to control the symptoms. Most of these are Bi-Polar meds. Anti-psychotics (major tranquilisers) are often used off-label for BPD at a very low dose, as a mood stabiliser, anti-anxiety & sleep aid. They can also boost the effects of anti-depressants. I take Seroquel (100mg) for my anxiety & to "level me out" a bit. It also helps me sleep. Anti-psychs are given at very low doses for BPD (e.g. 100mg) as opposed to much much larger doses for Bi-Polar or Schizophrenia. Some BPD people are prescribed mood stabilisers too. It might interest you to google Dr Leland Heller. He's collected together research to suggest that BPD is actually a neurological disorder & is the result of significant brain abnormalities. In particular, he notes strong similarities with a form of epilepsy (where you have 'absences'). A lot of the drugs they use for BPD (off-label) are in fact epilepsy drugs. Hope this helps :)
  22. I agree. I like to view my diagnoses as tools to help me learn how to deal with my issues. With a diagnosis, I can get a clear sense of where treatment should be focused. Since many do overlap, the name might not always be important. It's just nice to know whether I might have something or not, so I know precisely what I'm dealing with . . . For what it's worth, online quizzes usually say that I likely have borderline and avoidant personality disorder while the likelihood of histrionic personality disorder is much lower. I guess that's why I'd never thought of myself in that context before. Of course, online quizzes aren't the most reliable arbiters in the world . . . that's why I leave that sort of thing to the pros. Hopefully I'll get myself sorted out one day. Hello stranger! I'm back! I have to disagree with you R90 on the similarities; yes, there are similarities but there are also significant differences. First and foremost, HPDs display noticably more shallow & fleeting emotions that are often influenced by those around them whereas in BPD patients, the emotion is utterly overwhelming and all consuming. My HPD friends will often latch onto my strong emotions & then give a really vague reason as to why they feel that way too & then start talking about themselves at length, but in a really repetitive, vague way. Their attention seeking behaviours are often very disruptive & apparent to others. They also they tend to be overly sexual & flirtatious & dress in a way which draws attention to them. They may function at a 'borderline level', i.e. self harm to get attention but I have a few histrionic friends in my PD group & they are noticeably more attention seeking in their behaviours & get very uncomfortable when the focus isn't on them. From the time I've spent with you on here Angel, that doesn't sound like you at all! Personally Angel, I'd see if you can find a pdoc who specialises in PDs as so many of them know less about PDs than we do! I've found knowing what my diagnosis was & learning about it hugely helpful. Now, I can recognise my BPD moments & that sometimes (though not always) helps me to control them. As for being Avoidant and BPD, I have several friends with that "combo" so it's not an uncommon "mix"!
  23. ((((((((( Lost 216 ))))))))))))) It sounds like life is more than a little tough for you I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder & could relate to everything you'd written (especially loved the idea of being a ball of clay, made so much sense). It does sound like you have borderline tendencies, BUT only a psychiatrist could make a diagnosis because everyone displays borderline behaviours at some point in their life, the difference is that us BPD people display most of the traits, most of the time. A pdoc will take a full history (going right back to childhood) and look for patterns & traits & make their diagnosis on a combination of your history & their own observations of from meeting you. If you suspect you may have BPD, it's really important to find a pdoc who has experience of treating personality disorders & get access to the support you will almost certainly need. If you are Borderline & suicidal, you may make impulsive decisions which cause you great harm & you regret later so it's important to get access to crisis support to help you through these times. The one thing I do know about being BPD, is that things do pass if you can give them time. The trick is to make sure you have access to the help you need to survive until they pass. Please call a pdoc. If you're interested in reading anymore about BPD, I will pm you the best sites i've found & the names of a few books. Let me know. Take care. Teal
  24. Hello lovely :) So good to see you here. Check out the Personality disorders room, it's a lovely place to meet people who understand you xxx

  25. (((((((( Cokes ))))))))) Can't say anything helpful, just wanted you to know you took the words right out of my mouth in every sentence. You're not alone xX
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