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tealtastic

Senior Member
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About tealtastic

  • Rank
    Senior Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1980

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    England
  • Interests
    Reading
    Walking
    Film (esp Sci Fi)
    TV drama (I LOVE "Being Human")
    Music
    Dancing (REALLY badly)

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  1. For me it's a physical sensation, as well as a mental one. Before I started MBT, I felt like I had a gaping black hole at the top of my chest. I used to grab at it with my hands and try to pull it out. It felt like someone had blown a balloon up inside of me and that the Nothing as I called it, was taking me over. Whatever I did, however much I laughed, socialised, succeeded, the Nothing was always there. I'm one year into an 18 month MBT programme and I can't feel the Nothing any more
  2. Hi all, just to update, saw my pdoc yesterday, who had already been contacted by the cpn & my gp. She reluctantly gave me a diagnosis of bipolar II, saying I fit all the criteria for bipolar II (inc the fight starting actually, it's classed as extreme irritability & is apparently quite common). She said she avoided giving the diagnosis because there is so much crossover between bipolar II & borderline personality disorder (BPD) & as a result the diagnosis isn't used much in the UK (news to me) but she said if I was in the US, yes, I'd be classed as bipolar II as well as having BPD. I feel fine now I'm down to 75mg of venlafaxine, and am now being weaned off it altogether. Not sure how I feel about being bipolar as well. It's taken 18 months to get my head around the BPD thing.
  3. Hi all, just to update, saw my pdoc yesterday, who had already been contacted by the cpn & my gp. She reluctantly gave me a diagnosis of bipolar II, saying I fit all the criteria for bipolar II (inc the fight starting actually, it's classed as extreme irritability & is apparently quite common). She said she avoided giving the diagnosis because there is so much crossover between bipolar II & borderline personality disorder & as a result the diagnosis isn't used much in the UK (news to me) but she said if I was in the US, yes, I'd be classed as bipolar II as well as having BPD. I feel fine now I'm down to 75mg of venlafaxine, and am now being weaned off it altogether because I seem to have a heart problem, which it is worsening. Thanks for the links achelois - very helpful x
  4. No I've been on Venlafaxine since last August - for most of the time on 150mg but I felt I was too 'stoned' at that dose so I cut it to 75 without speaking to my pdoc. When she saw me a few weeks afterwards she agreed I seemed a lot better so we kept the halved dose going but then my mood nosedived again & so we put the dose back up to 112.5mg. That was in June. So yeah, I'm not new to Venlafaxine or this dose. That's what I don't understand. I have had weird reactions to ssri's before which is why they switched me to Venlafaxine- I didn't sleep at all for 28 days on citalopram so I was pulled off that because I was so tired I couldn't remember where I lived or my date of birth, then on escitalopram I thought I had a bionic arm & kept getting severe dissociation which affected my vision/hearing, then on sertraline I couldn't feel my legs & i kept flying about the room (more psychosis), I also had to be sedated on the ward because I wouldn't stop pacing about at 100mph. My pdoc says I seem to be hyper sensitive to seratonin based meds.
  5. Hi everyone, I haven't been here for a while (sorry, I just couldn't find the words). I have been on at least 6 different meds since I last posted here & I seem to be having problems with all of them. At present I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder & am on an anti-psychotic/mood stabiliser: Seroquel (100mg) and AD: Venlafaxine (originally was on 150mg but I've cut the dose down to 75mg improve my functioning, have been back at 112.5mg for about 2 months now). The latest from my GP is that I appear to be hypomanic - I've been spending crazy amounts of money, feeling quite 'wired', being uber sociable (I'm normally a recluse), talking non stop, sleeping 3-4hrs & feeling fine the next day, eating hardly anything, walking the dogs 3-4 times per day (I normally struggle to walk them twice a day), getting really irritated & having explosive outbursts - I keep looking out for 'insults' or people shoving me etc so that I can get into fights with strangers. I feel great in myself - I keep looking in the mirror & smiling at myself because I'm so pleased by what I see. I haven't had a makeover or anything, I just seem to feel better about myself. Everyone is commenting on how different I seem (happier, more confident, louder, life & soul of the party etc but also how 'angry' and 'wired' I seem). I've been asked 4 x in two weeks if I'm sure I'm not bipolar. Anyway, the reason I went to my GP is because my consultant (psychiatrist) is away until the end of september. My gp advised me to drop my venlafaxine dose (from 112.5mg to 75mg) until I could get advice from the CMHT (the team responsible for my psychiatric care) but when I went to the CMHT all the doctors were out of the building on call outs. I saw a CPN (psych nurse) who said that what I what I was describing sounded very familiar but he said only my consultant can diagnose me. He said I should do as my GP advised and cut my venlafaxine does by 37.5 mgs and see if it made a difference. Well, after just 2 days, it's definitely made a difference. I still feel wired & strange but not as hyper or angry as I did before. Does anyone understand what's going on here? I have felt like this many times before & told my pdoc all about it but my pdoc has never mentioned bipolar. My GP said she thought I was being monitored for possible bipolar but when she looked at my notes from the pdoc she couldn't see where she'd got that from. I will obviously speak to my pdoc when she gets back at the end of the month, but just wondered if anyone knew anything about snri's causing hypomania - does it automatically mean you're bipolar or is it just the meds doing funny things? Will I be fine now I've lowered the dose?
  6. Hi everyone, I haven't been here for a while (sorry, things have been a bit cr*p). I have been on at least 6 different meds since I last posted here & I seem to be having problems with all of them. I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder & am on an anti-psychotic/mood stabiliser: Seroquel (100mg) and AD: Venlafaxine (originally was on 150mg but I've cut the dose down to 75mg improve my functioning, have been back at 112.5mg for about 2 months now). The latest from my GP is that I appear to be hypomanic - I've been spending crazy amounts of money, feeling quite 'wired', being uber sociable (I'm normally a recluse), talking non stop, sleeping 3-4hrs & feeling fine the next day, eating hardly anything, walking the dogs 3-4 times per day (I normally struggle to walk them twice a day), getting really irritated & having explosive outbursts - I keep looking out for 'insults' or people shoving me etc so that I can get into fights with strangers. I feel great in myself - I keep looking in the mirror & smiling at myself because I'm so pleased by what I see. I haven't had a makeover or anything, I just seem to feel better about myself. Everyone is commenting on how different I seem (happier, more confident, louder, life & soul of the party etc but also how 'angry' and 'wired' I seem). I've been asked 4 x in two weeks if I'm sure I'm not bipolar. Anyway, the reason I went to my GP is because my consultant (psychiatrist) is away until the end of september. My gp advised me to drop my venlafaxine dose (from 112.5mg to 75mg) until I could get advice from the CMHT (the team responsible for my psychiatric care) but when I went to the CMHT all the doctors were out of the building on call outs. I saw a CPN (psych nurse) who said that what I what I was describing sounded very familiar but he said only my consultant can diagnose me. He said I should do as my GP advised and cut my venlafaxine does by 37.5 mgs and see if it made a difference. Well, after just 2 days, it's definitely made a difference. I still feel wired & strange but not as hyper or angry as I did before. Does anyone understand what's going on here? I have felt like this many times before & told my pdoc all about it but my pdoc has never mentioned bipolar. My GP said she thought I was being monitored for possible bipolar but when she looked at my notes from the pdoc she couldn't see where she'd got that from. I will obviously speak to my pdoc when she gets back at the end of the month, but just wondered if anyone knew anything about snri's causing hypomania - does it automatically mean you're bipolar or is it just the meds doing funny things? Will I be fine now I've lowered the dose?
  7. Been thinking of you. Hope that you're keeping well Hun x

  8. Hi tealtastic, hope that you are well x

  9. When I first got my diagnosis I fell apart (in fact I think there is a distraught post from me on here somewhere). I don't know anything about myself, except a few basic things like I have an explosive temper, I think in very black & white terms, I push everyone away to bring them close, I zone out constantly & so on. So then I get my diagnosis & it's like: EVERYTHING I knew about myself was on the criteria for BPD - I felt like I was a walking embodiment of the disorder; as if there was nothing about me that wasn't classed as disordered. I did what you are doing now. I bought dozens of books on BDP & tried to educate myself. It's the best thing I've done. It's very empowering. I'm still very sick (I am a very low functioning borderline at present) but at least I can make sense of what's happening to me. My pdoc freely admits I know more about BPD than she does! The world has always been a really confusing place to me where I just didn't fit. Arming myself with the ins & outs of borderline has helped me understand myself & how i relate to the world; it hasn't changed my behaviour or my thinking at the time, but it's given me the ability to reflect afterwards & in that way, to come to terms with things rather than replaying them over & over or beating myself up over something stupid hat i just can't help.
  10. I wasn't going to post today, just have a look round. Then I saw your post. I could have written it myself. I have tears in my eyes trying to reply. Sorry if I can't say anything helpful, I just wanted you to know you're not mad & that you're not the only one. Identity confusion is the symptom of BPD which I find hardest to deal with & which drives my depression. You are not crazy and you're certainly not alone in feeling this. I go to a support group for people with PD & most of the group express similar ideas all the time. I have no idea who I am, I am not even a person. I feel hollow, like an Easter Egg, as if I might shatter any minute & then the truth will be exposed, that there's nothing inside. When I try & tell people without BPD I'm not a person, they say, "yes you are, I can see you, I can touch you" but they don't understand that what they see is just a shell, there is nothing inside. I feel like a shop mannequin, so I have to put on a person, like the mannequin puts on clothes in order to become real. I am whoever I am with, whoever they need me to be. So when I'm on my own, I cease to exist. I don't know how to spend my time because I don't know what I like or anything so I just sit there & stare. I had felt so ashamed to admit I didn't know anything about myself and then I met other borderlines & realised it quite normal. Now I have lots of borderline friends & I know I'm not alone with this. When I said to P. (my friend) that I'm not a person, I'm just a mannequin, she said, "Do you mean like when you decide to be a librarian so you go out to buy things a librarian would wear & own then you put them on & you're a librarian & then everything's ok for a bit and then suddenly you decide you need to be someone else & you have to start again". I had a therapy session yesterday & it was really hard. The most upsetting bit was when she said to me "what is your voice?" I said, "I don't have one". She said "I don't mean in terms of feeling heard, I mean speaking, what is your voice?" I said "I don't have a voice". She said, "What about the voice speaking now? Is this your voice?" I said "I don't know" and burst into tears. There are lots of voices in my mouth, but none of them are mine :verysad3:
  11. Hey there. We've never spoken, but I've read a number of your posts (topics and replies) and just somehow feel this sort of connectedness to you, for your gift of spirit is truly apparent in so, so many ways. Just wanted to say that, finally, this morning. :) (Hope your time at the hospital was helpful. I just got out too. Heavy stuff...)

  12. From Mind (major UK mental health charity)'s website: Antisocial personality disorder (APD) This is known as
  13. I think the pdoc you spoke to got muddled up. It's Antisocial Personality Disorder (this disorder includes the subgroup psychopaths) which is mostly found in criminals! That's another PD in the same cluster (i.e. an emotional PD) but is totally different from BPD. Silly man. He should know this.
  14. Hi Tealtastic. I haven't seen you around in a while. Are you ok? Feel free to PM me if you need to but I hope all is well x

  15. Hey! Happy birthday tealtastic =)

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