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quietCherub

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About quietCherub

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  • Birthday January 27

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    USA

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  1. Hi, just randomly hopping on here. I’m currently pregnant, 8 1/2 weeks, and severely depressed. Are you getting treatment while pregnant? I need better treatment myself. I feel so sick and tired and like I can’t do anything but I still need to go to work and deal with people and it is so freakin hard. I think this is your first, right? You are still early for showing, especially if it is your first. How were your ultrasounds? I am constantly questioning whether my child is okay, especially because my previous 2 pregnancies have ended in losses. i guess basically i wanted to come on to say that pregnancy can trigger or make depression worse, although not many people talk about it. It is hard and ever consuming. Those birth boards ... I am on some of them too, and they get mean really quickly. That’s why I came on here actually, to see if I could get some more genuine support. Don’t listen to people on there being mean. They’re just lookthe ng to pick fights and argue. how are you doing now? It’s been a bit since your last post.
  2. I spoke to someone in person about what I am going to have to do when I finish school and what adding an extra semester will do in regards to taking the Bar prep course I signed up for as well as the Bar itself. I'm scared #$%#less but at least I know now what my options are. Problem is, all of them sound impossible.
  3. I would say manage. I'd love to beat it, but for me my depression is an illness. I can certainly learn to care for myself, build supports, etc. and keep the worst at bay, but I believe it will always be there. That is hard for some people, but I have come to terms with it. Most ideally, I would like to manage it so well that it does not effect my life very much at all - knowing just when and how to care for myself and preventing the darkness from doing anything but trying to peek one beady eye out. (which I would ideally subsequently push back in and move on).
  4. Hm. I can relate to what you are saying. Ive been depressed for like 15+ years, since i was young, but have been doing well for years now. One person mentioned trying eveni g classes... well, going back to school and doing that seems to have been a trigger for me. My first year of evening classes was alright, but my last year of school i felt myself drinking more and more often. Now ive gotten to the poi t where i drink at least a little bit almost every day, as well as eating out (wherever i am getting drinks) which inevitably has caused weight gain. I apologize, this isnt about me its about you! Maybe we can virtually motivate each other? Im trying to start by going to the gym on tburs instead of going out and drinking. Do you have a first small baby step?
  5. So i kinda just want to get this off my chest. I have this wierd thing, i have experienced it since...middle school. I have this tendency to get ... obsessed with men, and a woman on at least one occasion. The reason i feel it is strange is because its kind of a romantic/sexual obsession, like i think about what it would be like if the person and i were together...but its pretty much never (two of my boyfriends started this way but other than that...) someone i could and/or would be with. But there always seems to be someone. Theyve included a musician, my 7th grade science teacher, a good male friend of mine that i would never realistically think of being with, and currently a new guy at work. I seem to take these figures and fantasize them in my head. Right now im with someone that i dearly love and want to marry. I would never cheat on him. But then why do i get these obsessions? I *always* have a person like this, sometimes more intensely than others. I feel bad now for thinking of someone else while im in a relationship, but at the same time i know im not doing anything and its just my strange mind thing going on. Im 31 and i first experienced this when i was probably about 13 so what the heck is this about? Can anyone relate? Any thoughts? Sometimes writing stories that are whats in my head helps a bit but im afraid my bf will read it and get the wrong idea. That happened once in high school and it was horrible bc i didnt even really want to be with the person i wrote about! Whats my issue?
  6. If it matters at all, I'm giving an update that I made it through the semester! Dropping the class did help me a lot... Likely prevented a total breakdown. Still my worst semester this far, though. My grades reflect it, the amount of days I missed at work due to depression and stress reflect it, and my productivity at work, too. My supervisor wasn't too happy with me at times, but I explained the best I could and things are okay. "We got to where we wanted to be" she said. Needless to say I am taking the summer off. Had signed up for a summer class, but decided not to take it. It is a breath of fresh air. I am doing some med changes with my pdoc (which hopefully will help, because regardless of the school stress I was getting super depressed a lot on the meds I was on) and with the exception of these couple of weeks I am engaging in therapy regularly. I have a wedding this coming weekend that my bf is in, and one next weekend that I am in so I won't be able to see my therapist... I see her on Saturdays, but after that I am going back to weekly. Anyway, I reread this post and remembered where I was, and how your replies helped, and were essentially the "straw that helped me drop my class". ;) and I thank you... If I can make it through this, so can anyone else. Thanks!!!!
  7. WTH: to report a problem, should we use the MedWatch option? I would like to put in a complaint about this medication as well. I am about to come off of it and I know it will be horrible, as even taking a dose late made me sick. This isn't right, there needs to be smaller doses available and some kind of requirement for doctors to let patients know what they may face if they stop this medication. I have a great doctor now, so I hope discontinuing it will be as painless as possible, but the doctor that put me on it was nowhere near as good. I know there are a lot of other "not so good" doctors out there as well, and lots of people suffer because of this. I will post regarding my discontinuation if I am even able to look at a computer screen. If anything, I will post when I start to feel better. I just want OFF, the med has been wonderful for me but I need a change and I want to get through the discontinuation as quickly as possible. Ugh.
  8. I am about to stop Pristiq. It was a wonderful medication for me, but since my depression is that of the um... sedated type I guess you would say, my doctor and I have decided to change to something more stimulating. I am currently on lamotrigine as well. Staying on that, and the plan is to switch to wellbutrin instead of Pristiq. I cut down from 100mg to 50mg and didn't have too much trouble. I am finishing finals for school now, and so in the next couple of weeks will be starting to not take any Pristiq at all. I am VERY scared because I know it is going to be horrible. One thing my doctor (who I have to say I love and I really respect him, along with him having probably 40+ years of experience with this) has said we may try to relieve the brain zaps, and yes - the "cold" feeling is part of the discontinuation symptoms - is to take a low dose of prozac (fluoxetine) when I stop. The horrible discontinuation symptoms from Pristiq (and a few other ADs) is due primarily to the medications short half life. Meaning it is out of your system so fast that it doesn't have time to adapt to lesser levels. Prozac has a significantly longer half life, and so can help one's brain get used to less of the neurotransmitter effects more slowly than with Pristiq. Perhaps you can mention this to your doctor? Also, don't let this discourage you from ADs altogether. They can be very helpful, and not all of them have discontinuation symptoms this bad. In fact, I believe most do not. You will get through it, just remember it will end.
  9. Thank you all so much for your support. I like to think I am a good person ... I know there were times where I really needed some help and wished there was someone there to support me, but unfortunately did not have that. That, plus my current line of work, have inspired me to take on this profession to help others. That is what keeps me going. Changing my work schedule is not an option, as I need the full time not only for the financial ability to support myself (my bf works in non-profit too, so we are struggling together) plus the health benefits (I need my therapist and psychiatrist!!). But SFrog... you really made me think. My therapist had briefly mentioned it, and I began to think about it, but hearing it from yet another person made me seriously consider dropping a class. I thought it was too late, but when I looked at it I still had just a bit more time to do so. It meant losing money that was spent on the class, but you know what? I went into school today and I did it. I dropped a class. I was scared to do so ... but I feel there is a weight lifted off of my shoulders. It will still be hard and trying, but I have to stop trying to be "perfect." I look at it this way: classes cost about $3000 each (yuck I know, I'll spend the rest of my life paying off loans but at least I'll be helping people and ABLE to pay them off(ideally), unlike now where I help people but CANT pay off loans ...) but I get a scholarship based on GPA for $2500 a semester ... so it was either lose $3000 for a class, or lose $2500 a semester for the next 2-3 years of school (b/c there is no way I could get good grades in my classes when I can't even keep up). In the long run it evens out. Basically, I am saying thanks for all of your support. I will still freak out. I will still cry, complain, feel like a failure and that I am going to fail, flounder, barely keep my head up, but I won't REALLY fail... I don't think. And, the biggest note of all is that I am NOT any better than any of you. No way. We are all good people (despite our flaws) and we are all struggling. Whether we go to grad school, drop out, don't go to college at all, don't graduate high school, whatever. That doesn't define us in any way. If I was "better" than you I wouldn't seek your support. Remember that :) Thank you all. I needed this. This forum is amazing ... thats why I have seriously been on here for so long. Anybody that is new, stick around!! I was freaking out when I started this thread, and so close behind it I am feeling so much better. Thank you all :) PenguinGirl: What helped you get through? Any advice? I still have 2+ years to go working full time and going to school. I'd love your input!!
  10. Hello all. I am back from another hiatus. Been on this forum for years on and off, for those of you who don't know me. I'm having a lot of trouble right now. I just turned 30. I graduated undergrad in 2006 (I was on the 5 1/2 year plan ;) ) Since I graduated, I had been wanting to further my education but wasn't sure quite where to go. I worked for several non profits - still do, and find it very rewarding. Totally not related to my undergrad degree, which was in art (photography). Then I began to think about law school. I was inspired by many of my clients and people in society that are generally disenfranchised. I want to use the law to help protect these people, and to help their voices be heard. So I enrolled in law school. Thing is, I can't live on loans, school is expensive enough as it is. So I am working full time, and taking classes in the evening. I am in the 2nd half of my 2nd year. I generally have lots of freak out moments since school started, but this is the first semester that I am taking 4 classes instead of 3. (Our first 2 years are scheduled for us, we don't have a choice. I will never take a 4 class semester again!) Needless to say, my depression is running rampant. I am freaking out all the time, trying to work self care and social life (not that I really have much of one anyways) and keep up with school all at the same time. I'll say right now, I can't do it. I feel like it is just too much. Dropping a class is not an option. Failing a class might happen, and as my therapist reminded me, failing isn't such a big deal. But it would mean staying in school longer and losing the one scholarship I have. I am in a relationship, I live with my boyfriend. He has been supportive, but I can tell that he is getting frustrated with me. I complain all the time about being overwhelmed and depressed. Hes stressed that he never wants me to feel like I cant share things with him, but again, its hard when I know I'm saying the same things over and over again. It's not his fault, but he doesnt realize how hard it is to "just take care" of myself in a time like this or "just relax." He has depression too, so he is understanding on the one hand, but I know there was a time where he was depressed quite frequently and I was a bit frustrated because he had stopped taking medication and didn't seem to realize the dfference it made. So I know that you can love someone with depression, and even understand depression itself, but still create frustration and tension in a relationship when it really rears its ugly head. I just feel like I can't make it, but I know that I have to. Even if I don't do so well, I need to finish. I am seeing a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist. I take my medications regularly. I try to take care of myself but I am absolutely EXHAUSTED all the time. I really feel like I don't have the time to fit in all of this work, plus myself, plus my employment. I'm hoping for some support. I've actually read research that shows that law students experience a higher rate of depression that society as a whole. So Im not alone ... but that doesn't make it any easier. *sigh*
  11. This is delayed, but thanks for your responses. Lauryn. it is good to know that others experience things like this. My parents also screamed at each other a lot before and even after they split when my dad would come to pick up/drop off my brother. My dad was possibly abusive to my mom physically, not to an extreme where I noticed marks, but it sure sounded like it sometimes when they were behind closed doors. I do not have the option of moving, plus I absolutely adore the apartment. The neighbors don't yell all the time, but still do yell. There is a girl that comes by with a kid that I think is theirs and I think that is who he is yelling at. He yells at her about doing drugs. If I thought there was any chance of physical abuse, ESPECIALLY to the child, I would certainly call 911. But I have not heard anything that sounds like anyone getting physical, I have not heard the child cry or anything like that . I certainly would take steps if I thought that was happening. I also realize that sometimes he sounds like he is yelling even when he is just talking, because he speaks so loudly. Anyways, I will just take it time by time. If they get too loud I may say something to them (while keeping myself safe) and if it sounds like anything that is getting physical or threatening the safety of the kid I will cal 911. I had to go talk to the neighbors that lived there before one time, because they would fight a lot (again, no evidence of anything physical) but they got EXTRA loud one night and my bf and I were concerned about them. They quieted down, and we didnt hear much of them after that.
  12. I have been taking Lamotrigine for about a year now. I had previously been on Wellbutrin, Pristiq and Buspar. I started seeing a new pdoc (who I feel is so much smarter and actually listens to me!) and we switched some things over. We got rid of the buspar (didn't seem to do much of anything for me), got rid of the Wellbutrin and replaced it with lamotrigine. So now I take 100mg Pristiq, 300mg Lamictal and klonopin PRN. When I added the lamictal it helped me sooooo much. I really feel much better on it. I'd love to get off of the pristiq, or at least reduce it to 50mg or something, but i have such horrible withdrawal effects. I think someone before me on this post said he "traded" having little start up effects with having bad withdrawal effects ... well thats me too! One thing that bothers me about lamictal, is that (I am a female) and hormonal birth control may or may not work for me. Meaning, I can take it and it might work, but I won't really know. Needless to say, it is not to be depended upon and so I no longer use it and have to resort to "old fashioned" birth control. ;) My choices are basically condoms or the plastic IUD that is wound with copper. (shudder). Females: any feedback on this aspect? I also itch a lot too. I got a rash when I started lamictal but it wasn't the horrible one. I just seem to always have some little itch somewhere. *shrug*
  13. In a recent talk with my therapist (whom I've been seeing for about 6 months and has gotten to know me well, especially my past and my present symptoms) he told me that if he were to diagnose me, he would diagnose me with P "little T" SD. He explained this to mean that I am not suffering from PTSD coming from one large trauma, but from many "little" traumas instead. I found this interesting. I do think that it makes sense... my "technical" diagnosis is Major Depressive D/O, more specifically Dysthymia - this is the dx on paper. Has anyone else ever heard of this or been told something similar? How do you feel about it? Also, he mentioned that weeks ago ... but a current incident is making me think of it more. In the past, I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I got out, but at the beginning of this month, new neighbors moved in below me. They shout and fight a lot, and the male seems especially angry. I've noticed that when I hear him yelling, I get mild flashbacks from my past relationship ... I get anxious, tense, scared, somewhat immobilized. Thankfully it is not all the time, but it is effecting me. Anyone else have experience with "little" traumas having an effect like this, or with being diagnosed with PTSD for many traumas as opposed to one large one?
  14. I currently live with my boyfriend and I enjoy it. I've had lots of bad or not so good relationships in the past but this one is the best. He has depression and anxiety issues just as I do and the level of caring and understanding I get from him I have gotten from no other. I've never felt good about other relationships, but this one I do. I am glad that he is living with me, we help each other through the hard times.
  15. Yes, I do have a concern about us triggering each other. It has happened, in a mild way, already. But we are still new, and the episodes we have shared have been short lived. I'm willing to work with him though, as long as he works with me. I feel we are aware of this possibility, and need to pay attention to see if it is happening. I am sensitive to things we go through ... we had an argument about 2 weeks ago, and I was really upset by it and thinking so negatively ... and that did depress me for some days there until I had processed and we had talked things out. But that is something that happens to me in any relationship. Something I need to work on, being able to separate my personal life from my business/school life (when necessary).
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