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  1. Saddness, pain turning into revenge through sucess and dedication, i will never surrender to depression and the people who contributed to it. Long as i have my writing and a wrench in my hand my goals will be attained through concentration, a high level of understand of the world, my career and what i love to do. Some may say revenge is not the answer but its the only thing i have to live for now and to show the people who left me without a house and a job i bought myself a brand new house and a workshop and a job i look forward towards everyday. I don't condone this way of living but its my way of living now, past the struggle, even now i dam near shed a tear while i write this but this is the only motivation i have now. Now i understand how to take negative energy and neutralize it rather then pass it over to someone else or to keep that vibe lingering in my surroundings. Everything seems mathematical now, or i am getting wiser and seen the bigger picture then just not wanting to breath another breathe. I promise myself till its my time to go upto heaven i will keep my emotional strength, i will keep my mental strength and never steer off the path to great success ever again, and if i do, i can write about it, because noone understands me the way i do. Writing is a image of my emotions like looking in the mirror, I am ready to fix up all my rough edges and weak points, just like a Porsche engineer working on cars till there perfected. I used to convince myself i wont live past 28; i did, i won't live past 30;i did. There is not a single dam thing i fear in this life including failure. I used to fear everything and fell for everything because i didnt stand for a single dam thing through my actions, through my words i did. Now my thoughts are married to my actions and ready to contribute a life to my life. I have lost 10 years to depression, but there has to be a time and place for a self revolution, Took this time to myself, left the wife at home, to re engineer myself and tell myself i will go above and beyond my capabilites because i can. I dont expect my wife, my friends, anyone to understand my logic, long as i understand it at the end of the day i can handle it and execute a perfect life with smiles and happiness, even if i did write this through anger. it is my motivation.
  2. i sit here confused at times, trying to figure out if i am fighting to struggle or struggling to fight, to move forward further from where i used to be... When i write it is a fight for my life, whenever i pick up the pen and my mind starts working, takes me on a story line that i don't have control over, so you could say this is some of the realest things i wrote.. since decided to move forward there have been new missions and sometimes i feel like reverting back to my den and fear the world but that's not the answer, i finally made it to shore, after years at sea stranded on my own in this lonely world, but now i have a wife who loves me, maybe not the greatest in the financial situation, but i have to have faith in hope and hope for faith because it's not easily handed down to people like me and you hoping i could sit at that intersection oneday and carry myself forward in this world, that seemed all too violent and selfish, but i realize how little people care about each other unless there is something in it for them, nothing seems genuine anymore, guess i am in the real world now, and this was the reason i was depressed 15 years ago, but not this time, if i have to be solid and keep my head up, and brush people off who have no interest in having me in there radius that is fine with me, i have a mission to accomplish and be successfull in life, i do want that porsche, i do want that house, i have dreams as well that are sitting and waiting for me, as i pave my own path to those dreams, they arent going no where, never will i ever giveup again on anything in life that i want to accomplish. This is the only place i feel like i could write and feel what i feel when i write and you read, just because i am moving forward slowly, i still remember the past as much as i don't want to, but i am one with it. I been so depressed that i wanted to, well you know the rest, but i never did, i would rather live with the pain and suffering and be a soldier in life, no matter how much anger tears and saddness, i knew one day it would prevail into happiness and love.. It is very very hard,it's like learning to walk again, it's a new world, but the same world to when depression started, so i'm stuck right where i left off, there is no running from problems, especially depression because it comes within. I hope you can catch these words and plant them in your mind for a simple smile, i know i am a stranger to you, but feelings are more universal then any language in this world, i know you feel my pain in this letter even though i'm trying hard to move in the right direction, i'm glad i have a place to vent and fight my depression with words every time i feel like it's trying to come alive again, i promise it will burn till nothing is left.
  3. Never forgetting that depression got me to the point where i am at, taught me to fight any struggle in life, and when i do go down and i feel the pressure and the weight of everything 360 degrees around me, i built enough emotional muscle to lift it back up in peace rather then violence, and then walking away with a steady heartbeat, without my mixed emotions confusing me, i learn to control them giving each of them a place in my heart and letting my mind know my bodies been restructered to be a happier individual in this world, i didnt even have to deal with the pills, may of taken me around 15 years but it was a battle that i didnt have a choice but to win, last time i wrote i was 50/50 with it, but now im winning around 80%. Hold my hand and walk with me down this road for a minute and forget about anything that is bothering you, i know how hard it is to let go of a thought that creates tears like a electron around a nucleus, sometimes things are no longer balanced, but that's when you have to fight mentally to move forward in life, depression will always be sitting within the mind silently, but learn to tame it with the free world that we live in, let go of the thoughts and let them dissapear in the wind, remember there are bigger goals in life, and even if you have to start from the earths core, if you read my other poems you may know what i am talking about, and digging yourself to solid ground, now at a neutral point, yea that theory brings back alot of memories in life, and i never forgot how many tears i shed and how angry i got because of depression, i will never forget it, so i will always remember never to walk down that path ever again. Lets just say the chain that was around my ankle is at its max point now it is upto me to cut it and move forward and no longer fear the world, fear success, fear changes, fear anything in life, i walk away a stronger man after my 15 year sentence in the walls of depression. I can finally exit and move on to a new book, consider this the end, thank you everyone, Trace, ChrystalR, i know i will be ok from here, i promised myself and i will never break it.
  4. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  5. This goes out to individuals who make it harder for us then it already is, im firing back with words that will run circles around your mind, will take years of concentration to even realize what im saying because your mind is closed to other emotions n feelings then your own. scared to discover the earths end like pirates of the caribeean, we live in a water fall and we always have, always wishing things will sort themselves out, but it gets worse with all our feelings coming from a waterfall and into one lake, with mixed feelings then divides into rivers.. but we at the point not knowing which feelings to follow, we try to take control like soldiers, so dont think it helps when in your mind you think this person has issues but outta your mouth all we hear is dont worry about it and a big hug, think we're that stupid? Our thoughts n emotions is a goldmine struck deeper then any other in this world, understanding the pain and learning how to fix it. People so obvilious to the world of depression and mental problems like we don't exist, all we do is trying to live everyday, but trust us, its only a matter of time before what you do to others that it comes back to you, and you won't know how to handle this.. we live through this every dam day, try walking 1 day in my shoes and you will fall flat of fatigue and stress, wanting to just let the s*** rest right at that point.. People have no idea how much mental strenth runs through our mind to make it day to day, having some kind of hope, if we didnt have any hope we wouldnt we breathing till this day.. We are determined and fighters against depressiosn regardless if it rains or snow.. We live, eat, breath, n walk through pain, so what can you tell me about your day..... Complaining cuz you left the door unlock or the stove one after you left from work, ontop of that thinking your only cure is to bulley others, keep pushing and see what the outcome is, just because we're in this state of mind, don't expect us to take sh**t from u.. our significant others wanna leave, our husbands or wives wanna leave, hey you knew me from thet day i was like this, now you feel like that theres no cure for me, that you want to leave, go ahead, illl be fine all by my dam self, im a soldier at war that is my mission in this world.... keep the strenth, keep the hope, keep the smile, feel your adreniline, through the veins n let it medicate your rage, to stay calm n humble to live another succesful day....
  6. No ones son, noone's friend, noones brother, i walk these streets all my self with no help in sight, so how does that affect ones mental state, wreckin the vibes like a rictar scale of 10, noone even understand how much rage is running through my mind, cuz im nobodies, noones husband, noones anything, just a individual trying to make it 1 smirk at a time.. It's no longer about living a dream or whatever else, all im trying to do is be happy, but that seems to be a f***ing mission impossible, dont even understand how pi**ed off i am right now, and i apoligize for thesse negative vibes im throwing in the airwaves, but this is the product of not being anyones in this world. Having to carry myself through thick and thin even from the days when i almost ended my life, but i made it through, is it really worth living on my knees, is what i think at times, but i have that little bit of hope that i keep safe for times like these, and a little bit of sunlight shines, but even that seems to be dissapearing, i'll be left with nothing, just dam tears.. The same rage i could use to fight depression but i let it consume me, and mix it with my anger to move forward with such fury and rage that nothing can stop me. I"m done trying to please others, i dont care if shes my gf, my brother my father, the can all f**k right off, cuz noone knows what goes through my mind from day to day, thinking im just another individual that has nothing special, not even knowing that i write so deep and so swiftly cuz its all i have... Am i really asking that much from god just to reach my goals and dreams, and i should just fall flat on my knees and let the time pass me by, lose the race against the time, lose the race to conquer my inner demons and goals? At this point i dont give 2 s***s, i aint scared of depression, let it be part of me, let it mix with all my negative feelings, and that doesnt mean im going to keep myself from breathing, all it means is, this is who i am, this is another emotion that i try keeping locked inside of me, and doing s*** to make other pplz lives easier but who's there for me when i need anything in this life? I am, my writing, its all i have in this world and i'll be dammed if i ever let that go, because everyone in my life can leave me, but my feelings emotions n thoughts will never. I'm not gonna be another sad story, or tell ppl i could of or would of, this is it and this is now, let the rage go to n all time high, let the anger get to the point of no return where i wake up like a soldier on a mission or even better woken up by a gernade blast cuz its time for war, this is my time, i never did anything to harm anyone else in this world, and when i fight back with rage and my mind they think im the ones whos got issues, when all i try doin is helpin someone in the first place, guess it is better being noones in this world, if they cant bring the good outta u, just thinking its a 123 for us to take steps forward n laugh n smile, like i dont wanna smile, like i dont want happiness in my life... F**k the pen and paper all i have are my thoughts that my mind scans and throws on paper at the instant second before even thinkin of what i wanna write, this aint my mind writing, these are my thoughts and emotions, i don't even know *** im going to write next, it doesnt get any realer then this, it doesnt shed more truth then what im writing right now, ppl think im always out to hurt there dam feelings ,if anything i have sympathy for peoples problems and am there for them to take the tears away, but noone aint there for me... i don't need help, i don't need support i don't need a fu**n thing, if you wanna read this and can relate feel free to leave a comment if not that's fine also... we put up with enough f***in bs in life... we dont need it intentionally from others,,,
  7. The music goes in through my ear drums and disrupts my emotinal feelings towards the world, Sittin here alone in the world finally realized cared about me in this world, and i was always on my own since day 1, wish i knew this long time ago, why did it have to be this way, i have no idea, so all i have is verbs n metaphors that my memories put together like a puzzle and it reads my stories like a palm reader, ontop of that being my own pscholigist, trying to study the elements of deprssion so i know how to defend myself from it.. Everyday my skills get better but no matter how hard i try life just seems that much harder as there is noone in this world who can give you a definite answer on my troubled past.. I don't shed tears anymore even at times i feel like sittin n crying all night, i try to see the better side of life, no matter how hard it seems to be... if there's 1 thing to live for that is the thing i live for, i can't control luck but i don't understand why it's a chain reaction of 1 negative thing after another, and im stuck to deal with the mess, which brings me back to the depression forum, my drawing board, the only thing that keeps me sane for the time being... I don't want to be a individual who looks down upon on life, but what do you do when life looks down upon you, and gives you second hands, and all the feelings noone else wants, so i try to take this feelings, absorb them, chemically change them so i can give the world back something positive instead of keep passing these negative feelings, the bull**** stops here. I'm not hopeless and i am making it, forcin myself to move forward with life before it passes me by.. Not trying to be materialsitc, but technology is a good thing to resemble if your still stuck in the past or not, trying to always keep up with the world is a mission n a half n trust me im runnin as hard as i can as im only 29 so i don't want to be left behind in this world, and think to myself in the future what if, i coulda and so on, the cycle stops here n now, n i take control of my life n turn it into a marathon, after every year pass the baton to my future self, alot faster, healthier, wiser then the last... thank god for that...
  8. My life is compared to a sad violin note or a blues song, as everyone else can relate on this song. I been through much pain in my life, wishin it was alot easier, funny how we only live once, and we never got the chance to roll the dice, people around us did it for us and we had to deal with the outcome regardless.. when it was too late when we had the power to make our own decsions it was that much harder not giving the utilites of life itself to get through life and make decsions and to take care of ourselves.. school never teaching about self morals, emotions n feelings, only about math and english so we can go out there and rule the world, but even with all the money in the world wouldnt bring happiness in ones life.. maybe its just us, its more then just a "chemical imbalance" as they say.. Maybe we would of been able to recover from most events that happened in our life instead of consuming us to the point of tears and irregular mental behaviour, who is there to really blame... Theres no point to blame anyone because noones gonna come and fix our life like a infection with amoxilon, I never asked for these events in my life, throughout being responsbile as i can be, but others reactions towards me, really hurt my feelings and left a dark part in my heart, now im trying to give the world another chance, but im scared as hell to get hurt again, but i have to stay strong theres no other way to get through this life, no fear is what i preach, as theres others who will take way before they will give, just how the world works... Slowly trying to catch the essence of patience so i consume it within my lifestyle and anything else thats positive, and anything negative just let it be, theres so many things we can get ourselves caught up on, but stay focused on my dreams and dont let anything or anyone stop me from reaching those goals, theres alot of people whod rather you fail then succeed, doesnt matter race, culture or country, people are people lthroughout the world... My view is the worlds cold and if we can understand that n leran how to handle it, we will be ok at the end of the day......
  9. As i sit here all alone in the dark with my mind flow going back towards the road it came from and my heart pace slowing down trying to shut me down, i try to write to cpr my own heart so i can get back upto pace where i jus was... so hard not to give up, not wanting to let it go, but im stuck at this time with decsions that are indecsive.. with choices i dont know what to make, this is where the curve ball caught me off guard, this is why i went downhill in the first place because i wasnt able to make decsions, so this is round 2 with this issue that i think was the original reason to why my depression came so bad, and why indecsivie mind state kept the pressure on my mind and put me to my knees, almost better not caring and to drag my feet but i know if i can make it past this, i'll be in alot better situation ,and this is a part of recovering just never knew it was so difficult... I want to reply with anger with my indecsive mind but i know that aint right either, so *** do i do at this point, i gotta figure it out, get the pen and paper, and figure out this equation even if it takes me days of no sleep, i cant lose this time, i lost years of my life to indecivise thoughts.... I know i can do it, god dam it, i know i can, i just cant let the s*** go now... im gonna go pray now and wish for the best, thanks again....
  10. Hey, look i'm up early today even with the lack of sleep, promising myself a good day even if everything fell apart, cuz my smile will hold everything together till the next day, and hopefully the man upstairs can lend me a hand to take the pressure of my mind so i can move forward flawlessly without shedding a tear i mean one step at a time is what they say right.. Sunday a day for church, a day for washing the car, a day for going for a cruise and having something to laugh about throughout the day, no work, and i rested easy for once in a long time.. I walk patiently and gonna go see the friends i havent seen in awhile whom often worried about my state of my mind, i'm ok everyone, just needed time to myself to figure things out so i can come out a better man, with more focus like my body was filled with x amounts of fish oil omega 3, but now its time to get some vitamin d because of the beautiful day outside, god gave me all the utilities to pace peacefully over every cement block i walk, not a sign of a thundershower or anything thats gonna be a couple degrees to make me freeze. Sittin right in between depression and happiness, trying to use everything around me to reach that ultimate goal, i'l never give up, i havent upto now, so what if im only half way there, if i never made it this far i wouldnt of had the mind to make it the next half of the way, nothing comes easy in life now does it, so be grateful for everything that falls into my lap, or for anything i have to go out and get, in return for a reward now that makes me smile.
  11. At this second of my life theres no waves, tornados, my depression is far from the coast that i dream of in my mind, not a thing in the world can bother me, at the moment in my life trying to make up for lost time, but not in a rush, but calm and collective to things ive wanted to accomplish my whole life, because of we all know what, no need to even bring it up... How do i re organize my life after the storm, i see buildings destroyed, i see nothing to rebuild my life with, so how far back do i really need to go, to rebuild my life to a simple understanding that will make me smile. I'm no longer upset like i want to pick up a gernade, i'm no longer sad that i'm going to go through a whole box of kleenex, i no longer depend on others to bring me happiness, or products that will replace that empty spot. I carry my feelings within myself and im responsible to what i make of whats left of my life at 29 years old. Don't feel sorry for me, its like i was i was a innocent individual locked up in jail for the last 10 years, now i just don't understand this world wishin i could go back to depression because that's where i felt most comfortable with... I'm scared to move away from it, because now i have to challenge myself i have to go out there and start living life, and note i emphasize the word "have to".. God i'm so scared like takin the first step outta the cell knowing theres a world out there to explore.. God all i ask is you always stay by myside and i know you were always there for me.. I'm not leaving anyone to rot, but rather wishing everyone around me succeeds.. At this second it's about me, even if people think im selfish, because in the past it was about others and my feelings were neglected, not all there fault, but its just how the world works.. I'm speaking from the emotion of seeing someone leaving your life after knowing them for years, so in a sense it's a sad story for a individual that could of succseeded but the people that were supposed to take care of me years before, supposed to show me the right direction and be there when i felt down werent there and all the potential in the world gone to waste cuz they always lead me in the wrong direction and now i see the world for what it really is, now i have to have to hang wwith it, toughen up my emotions, no disregard for sticking up for myself... Just have to pray everyday to god i never fall on my knees again, i really mean it from the bottom of my heart, and id rather spill my heart out to others who understand where i been, who fight the same battle from day to day... Dam it, i have to stay strong this is what i been waiting my whole life for, i can't let it go again, i can't let anyone get in the way, i have to survive this world till god decides its my last day, thats not for me to decide... No matter what no more false promises to myself no more tellin myself what if, or trying to depend on others for a god dam thing, noone was ever there for me, so what makes me think there gnna be there for me now, only people who have depresson runnin through there mind could ever understand how much this momment means to me and who will have some sympathy and will be happy to see me succeed, it's only a 1 way ticket from here and i don't wanna go back to where i came from so there is no choice, i have to move forward, i have a new life now, i cant let anyone take this away from me, i'll fight for it, i'll do whatever it takes to never ever go back to that emotional path.. I understand it will always will be with me, that's ok though, im at a point where i can manhandle it, all i have at the end of the day is my god dam self.... please let the rest of my life be in peace god, it's all i pray for, not the riches, or anything material, just let my life be the sweetest insturmental that can be played and makes you smile on every note be my soundtrack. let my oxygen breath with no aggression.... It really is time to let everything go and move forward, if i don't now, i never will.... at the same time feeling sad like this was gonna be the last time i write, but i'll always write its the only thing responsible for saving my life.. It's a mirror reflection of my feelings, since a doctor wants to see things on a mental level, my writings are so deep i could see my feelings on a diffrent level that only few will ever understand, you have a pimple on your face people freak out, but feelings that could be seen in the mirror is the only way i'll get by....
  12. My bipolar disorder finally seeing the sunlight and both sides breaking the gap of different personalities, and my depression slowly dissapearing as the seconds pass by just like amoxxilin ******* a infection, been so long i lived in the gutter, finally being able to breath with every single part of my body no longer facing lack of oxygen especially my mind without any garden shrub working at 100% efficeny could say im almost there, no need to look back at this momment like someone erased my past, god gave me a rest switch, gave me a second chanace. so dont think im gonna f**k it up this time, not that i did the first stime, but i could of controlled my feelings to begin with, no regrets from here on and nothing but a individual whos determined to break down any door dont matter what it'ls made of, imagine me as a hulk breaking down 1 door after the next, the world better clear my path and anyone thats trying to put me down will get put down as i continue running towards the goal since i was a kid, always seemed to be so far away like starting from the first step of a 1000 step pyramid, seemed so big as a kid, but worked over the years and could say honestly that i deserve this more then anyone else, like a god dam champ wanting to be #1, in my earlier days all i told myself its ok its ok, no its not ok till i get what i want in this life before i turn old and grey then at least i could say i reached the ultimate goal rather then dragging my feet for my whole life, then who knows i would never make it to being old and gray.. if you can keep up then keep up, becuase im on a move like a cheetah, thoughts of einstein figuring out every equation right on the spot, from emotioanl equations to how things in the world that adjust my feelings, i could figure it out right on the spot and i could still smile at the end of the day, regardless of my depressed timeline from the past, imagine me like a stock market that was almost bankrupt but rising like donald trump being broke and owning almost every block now... Im done with depression, i dont need it, i dont wanna think about it, i dont wanna have a dam thing to do with it, not even my excuses will be related to depression, just imagine they were my cruthces in the past now im healthy i dont need the crutches i can carry this world on my shoulders and run how many ever miles i need to run to make it to my destination... Thank you very much.
  13. im fine still struggling a bit.. thanks for asking, and yourself?
  14. *** is this living a life of dreams and hopes but being held down by a simple form of imbalance within my mind that i dont even have to explain because its self explanatory in all the 5 senses available to mankind, so i sit here and write trying to grasp onto the fact that im going to be alright, reading this sh**t back to myself, deepster giving me some kind of hope showing compassion towards my downfall so i do the same in return, or crystal from the forum who feels what i say like these words connect soil to the ocean, we all can relate when we walk down this ******** path trying to put it together without cursing and keeping a positive image like we were trying to show depression a role model, but how can it be when we're lost in our own minds with thoughts that cause tears, hugs that cause tears, senses that you love cause tears, and everything else, its a mission and a half and not even the a team or brad pitt can save us from the situation, this aint a movie, this is a real as our feet walkin over cement blocks trying to find peace within, our only goal and mission in life. Fine we'll take the 9 to 5, we will take the rented house, we'll take someone who doesnt truely love us back, all becasue of depression, no thats bs right down to the particles that make up bs, every part of it, biggest part of it being depression itself. what people not accepting us? people dont wanna put in a effort in life like we do but yet use our compaasssion and kind behaviour to ahead themselves in life, they have no idea how hard our anger can come on, and weather peoiple on the forum want to admit or not, our feelings come out very strong as wer are the quiet ones, who try to keep it humble but it almost seems like people try pushin u a little closer to the cliff and we all know thats not the way we wanna go so we're like ticking time bombs at times and fight back with words that can tear ones feelings apart for trying to break our hearts, feelings thoughts, and so on, like they know what we deal with from day to day, maybe have some dam sympathy after getting everything you want, how much more you want? i really want to release some vilonent paragraphs but i'll refrain myself from doing so, as controlling anger is part of controlling depression and im the one that will fall off course at the end of it all, so i'll maintain a moderate flow with a little big of aggrivated verbs to get my point across so you can call this one step at a time as im not about to go back down to step 1 but move ahead and keep moving forward even if i have to stay at a certain step for a few years i will hold it down and carry myself in this world like a solider who just got back from a mental warfare, only diffrence is im still in the warefare within myself, im still in the rain, im still goin over the speed bump, im still going through the waves, but does that mean im going to throw every moterfu**n thing i worked for? I dont think so and i could care less how anyone else feels because im here to play fair neither am i taking away or givin anyone more then they deserive trying to live a 50/50 balanced life all the way through from talking to people to my emotions and feelings, im not tryin to be perfect but at a moderate level that i can attack through verbs and a logical thought process to those who try to deterriate me to gain off my soul and my compassion, but once they try to do that, there hitting a cement wall, because thats where it stops and we sit down and exchange words to have some kind of agreement. Just because im depression doesnt mean i should feel sorry for myself, i never got handed a silver platter i never had someone care for me truley when i was growing up, everyones situation maybe diffrent but we all can relate through something more universal then the english language, feelings. some will learn sooner then others and some will never learn. I walk into the basement with 1 light on breaking down all my feelings to a single atom, looking at them under a microscope, checking the depressions dna and all i ssee is a painful past and i connect that to my memories and all off a suddeen it all makes sense, the ciphers complete, as i know where i came from and know where im going, never forget what you been through as that should motivate you to move forward, i cant stop writing right now, because theres so much on my mind and i dont want it to keep circulating so i throw it out, kick it out, evacuate it from my mind to the god dam atmosphere and hopefully the naturaly chemicals burn it up and bury it.
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