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Squid hime

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About Squid hime

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  • Birthday 05/09/1995

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  1. Happy Birthday! Hope you have a extraordinary day

  2. Well it's been a long time since I updated this, I'm going to make a guess at almost 4 months ago. It's kind of a long story to explain but here goes. Saturday, 15th September 2012 I basically had a complete mental breakdown that night. Went mute for three days mingled with lots of crying and trying to hurt myself while my (now ex-) boyfriend tried to look after me. Tuesday, 24th September 2012 Travelled back home, got stranded somewhere for 6 hours in floods, felt really crappy, tried to **** myself but failed due to lack of energy and lack of sight (my glasses were broken for a week by now.) The police found me and took me back to the YMCA. I receive an eviction notice as soon as I arrive back at the YMCA so I go upstairs and don't sleep at all and get the first train back out to where I wanted to **** myself, the police found me yet again and I was admitted onto the Orchard ward of Cheadle Royal Hospital where I was kept for 78 days. During my stay on Orchard Well it was pretty bad for a few reasons. You're constantly surrounded by people who are depressed and trying to hurt themselves, you literally witness at least 1 suicide attempt a week and are aware of at least 1 every day. I met people so ill that I didn't realise it was possible to be that ill and it just made me feel crappy because I couldn't help, I still feel bad for some of the friends I made that are still in there and will be for many more months. You are locked on a ward and very limited in what you can do, no internet access to forums or games or facebook or Tumblr or anything like that; only going outside when staff are free on an understaffed ward; missing your breakfast because you overslept and not being allowed to eat at any other times than designated meal times. You barely get any privacy as people want to check on you every ******* 5 minutes to literally make sure you're still alive. It's a really false environment and it really doesn't help you prepare for being released back into the real world. I attempted suicide once while I was on the ward and harmed myself almost every day, that has calmed down a bit since I've left hospital though. I left hospital on the 12th December so I haven't been back long. Since I left Orchard I've made quite a few good friends back on the 'outside' but things are still pretty crap. I'm paranoid as ****, I feel bad about myself all the time, I'm single again and I just feel rejected and unloved in general. Hence why I've become hooked on illegal drug, which I guess I'm worried about because??? I don't have much money and it can be bad for you but whatever. I think I've been constantly high all this week and it's all good man. I'll keep you all updated, lots of love yo!
  3. Thanks guys. I'm honestly doing my best here.
  4. Just a quick entry to say... the past few weeks have been truly awful. My mind is messed up all my thoughts again, my body is extremely sensitive in weird ways and I'm extremely emotional lately too. I'm always on edgy and jumpy and there doesn't seem to be much I can do to make myself feel any better lately. Sorry I haven't been posting, I've literally just been more focused on sleeping my way through all my troublesome times. Also I apologise for my last blog entry being potentially very triggering to people for the content I included even though I included trigger warnings. Thanks for being here for me, DF. I'm still alive too. Regards, Abby.
  5. Potential triggers: Talk of depression, suicidal thoughts and dependence on another person. So hey guys, it was a little while longer than I'd hoped before I made my first 'proper' post because so much stuff has been going on. A part of me wonders why I'm even making this post at all. I was staying with my boyfriend, Rowan, for a few weeks and that was coming to an end just after I made my first blog post here, and now I'm back 'home'. By home I mean local area of England but not actually in a house. I'm 17 and ******* homeless already, mainly due to depression, my own stupidity and how badly I get on with my family. I've ended up in a YMCA. I'm not sure about what they're like in other areas of the country and world, but the YMCA I'm staying in is absolutely awful, I haven't left the room for over 24 hours because I'm too scared too. I feel like I'm slipping back into deep depression and suicidal thoughts have been crossing my mind again. I wish there was something I could do about it, I'm too scared to call any type of hotline and I can't see a therapist until the 30th of August. I feel bad for feeling like this too because Rowan's ex killed himself and now no matter what happens if I ended up doing it I'd always be another ex who killed themself. It'd probably stop Rowan from functioning too anyway, as it would do the same to me if he did anything of the sort. I just wish someone could help me. I wish I wasn't stuck in this s***hole. I'd probably be better on the ******* streets. The toilets are always covered in s*** and disgusting. There's always shouting and sex and stuff going on really loud too. I'm pretty sure the room I'm staying in is opposite some dude who abuses his girlfriend too. Maybe I should've stayed at my sister's, but that's too late because she's sold my bed. Either way I'd still be just as depressed from dealing with her crap and not getting any professional help. I'm really not sure what to do and I just feel really awful and want to cry a lot. Even if I got in touch with a hotline or something, I'm never visually distressed because I've learnt to hide everything. Even if I were to go and **** myself, up until the last minute not a single tear would fall from my eyes. I'd be perfectly calm. I want someone to help me, I don't know where to go from here, I feel so alone and awful and nothing anybody does seems to ever change that.
  6. I posted in this topic last year I think but I thought I'd post here again, things have changed and now I find it very difficult to cry at all. The only reason I usually cry is if a friend or someone realises there really is something wrong with me and seem genuinely worried about me, that's when I cry. If they try and get out of me why i'm upset I'll usually break down in tears, this happens every few months at most.
  7. Gah, feeling ill, my head is pounding and everything hurts, hope I stop feeling sick soon! ;;

  8. Hey there! This is an introduction post! For starters, my preferred name is Abby and the image on this post is a silly image of me making an obscure reference to a wonderful webcomic down at the London Comic Con event, I thought it would be a nice touch to start this thing off with a picture of me at my happiest, which isn't such a common thing. I am 17 years of age, I come from England, and while it might not be necessary to mention, I'm a transgendered girl. I'm only partly "out" and a lot of my friends and almost all of my family don't accept this. I regularly get misgendered purposely and have been harassed about how I go about this in general for quite a while now. I say this is an introduction post but I've actually been on this site for 2 years now, just not regularly. I've started posting in this blog because it's a bit more private than other places I've had an outlet to post in. I find it very difficult to deal with my problems on my own and I have almost no support "in real life". I have used a site some of you may be aware of, called Tumblr, to post my feelings and hobbies and other stuff on for a while now, but Tumblr is a place where rude people like to start trouble too. After some people who I used to be friends with found my blog and started harassing me and continued to a great extent for a long while, it became clear that I should delete the blog and try and get away from said people who were harassing me and misgendering me and trying to get more people to bother me. I'm currently homeless according to the law and will be going to social services soon to try and find a place once I leave my boyfriend's house. Having been treated how I was by my family, I had no choice but to move out or end up doing something I regretted, so I left. I dropped out of college due to depression and I'm not doing so great right now. Even me writing this blog means there's still a bit of me that needs and wants to keep going though! Which is a good thing, I think. I have lots of silly hobbies like unicycling and juggling. I like to do slightly more normal things too, like play piano and other instruments like the harmonica and bass guitar. I'm not going to go into too much detail about my depression and issues I'm currently facing in this entry. I just wanted to invite anyone who is interested to greet me and stuff, I love to get to know new people and people who I can relate to! Something important: I may well post about potentially triggering things on this blog pertaining to depression. I may also post about sexual things here and about my relationship with my boyfriend as that is an area where I am discovering myself a lot recently. I am in a sort of Dom/sub relationship with my boyfriend, with me being on the sub side. I'm open to talk about these things if you'd like to and I'm going to put any "trigger warnings" in bold at the top of any posts to try and avoid triggering anybody that browses the blogs. Thanks for reading! Abby
  9. I wish I could give some positive advice, but I'm just really not that great at making people feel better about stuff. I also don't really have the experience because I'm pretty young so I can't say I understand what you're going through. I just really hope things start getting better for you at some point in the near future. I can say that I truly understand what it's like to wonder who you exist and that you're definitely not worth it, but that's not true at all, and I really hope you have people in your life to tell you that and make you still think that. Either way, I'm really sorry that I can't help more, I hope you find that special somebody one day! ;u; Abby
  10. I now reread my comment and I should have erased the "not worth it" part. It's a very big decision and I deeply respect that but the problem is the other people that don't respect that. You have something that I don't have: Doesn't care what people say. People 'will' exaggerate or make up facts to make you feel bad for your decision. Not a lot of people similar to your decision have any friends so you got that as an advantage. Yes I understand, and even know when a certain transwoman I know is a family friend, my mother likes to make jokes about it. I understand the risks and how it will affect me if I did decide to present as anything other than male. I'm just trying to figure out my own feelings and what I should do, I'm fairly lucky to have lots of friends that accept me for whatever I am. C:
  11. Thanks Linda, it's nice to feel welcome. After a sleep I feel a little better today, yay. And ExperiencedDepression, she has been my only form of transport because I don't live near where the psychologist. I appreciate that I could get a bus or something, but I have no money, I have only recently started getting a little amount of money so I may be able to get there soon. And I must disagree with your comment about gender, I know a few people in real life that live in my village how have transitioned and they're fairly happy now. But that is beside the point because I do not feel like I will ever want to have an operation, maybe taking hormone supplements at the most and dressing differently when I feel different. I've told many of my friends who have accepted it, and I seem fairly ok with it right now. Thanks anyway! o: Alex
  12. Crying is strange for me. I find it difficult to cry at actual events that make me upset, for example at my school prom everyone was crying, and I was so so upset that I wouldn't see anyone for a very long time, but I just couldn't cry, even though I wanted to so much. But if I listen to an emotional song, or any song really that reminds me of HAPPY times, then I will most likely cry buckets of tears. But then I'll be genuinely upset too, hm. I'm not really sure if crying makes me feel better or worse afterwards. o: Well I know it's not the meds for me, because I'm not on any. So I'm not sure! o:
  13. ***POTENTIAL TRIGGER*** - Mild mentions of self injury. Well hello there again, it's been a LONG time since I've been here, and the one person that seemed to be helping me the most seems to have randomly stopped coming online, this is sort of upsetting and worrying but I still think I'll feel better if I share some of my feelings here. I doubt any of you remember me because I barely participated in the community here at all, but here goes. Since I last posted here I've had a few ups and downs which have helped me work through some of my problems, mainly with my mum. Before, I thought I despised her completely, but I was wrong. I still find her irritating at times, sometimes extremely so. It annoys me how she thinks it's ok to make jokes based on peoples' appearances and weight, or their sexuality or gender identity. However most of my family is like this and I've grown to be used to it. Another big problem I have with my mother is that she refuses to let me see a psychologist again just because she does not have the time to take me there. I've definitely been a lot better since when I first joined this site. However I've also, in some ways, been a lot worse. I've stopped self harming, which I'm happy for because, obviously, I didn't want it to get too out of hand. I still sometimes can't control my anger, where I self harm or punch walls and throw things around, my bedroom walls are full of dents and have marks all over them! Oops! I think another one of the main reasons I feel bad a lot of the time is down to other people. I've always been quite a dependant person, and when I 'fall out' with people, it really hits me hard, I try and keep a friendship for as long as I possibly can because I hate losing friends so much. Another thing is that for quite a number of months now I've had rather large gender identity issues, and unless my feelings changed, I'm currently set on somewhere non-binary. Gender-fluid. Whatever you want to call it. If you are not sure what that means, basically I don't feel like I should be male or female, like I don't fit into the binary. A quick google search brings up some good reads. I just wish I could tell my family or people closer to me about these things, I'd probably feel so much more comfortable. I can't really think of what else I was going to say because my mood has plummeted since this morning and I can barely think. But I may be sticking around here a bit again! I may just feel bad today because I'm pretty ill and I don't know why. Hmph. Well hello guys. And goodnight because I'm off to bed!
  14. Happy Birthday! Hope you have a wonderful day! :)

  15. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

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