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Everything posted by Lifeintheslowlane

  1. To truly be shown that I exist, and that I'm important? To be shown that this existence isn't just a prison? I feel like when I got lost, it's just a shrug of the shoulders to people, and that I'm not really that important. I am constantly lying in my bed in sorrow with no one to even speak to. No one to even hear my words, or be concerned. There is only one person in this world that thinks of me in their own time, and that is my mother. No one else. I constantly see/hear about people going out of their way for someone, and it's a little painful knowing that no one but my mother does or will ever do that for me. Why everyone else? Why not me? I am trying to the best of my capabilities, and it is not enough. What does that look like to you? In your mind, what specifically do you picture when you think of someone showing you you are important? What are they doing? Being Present. What are they doing if they are being present? Where are they? In your room? In your home? Living room? Watching t.v.? Playing chess? Are you out somewhere with someone?
  2. It always takes two to tango, guy. With respect to my reply, I do recognize that no one is a saint, and she probably has her own side of the story. However, regardless of how 'crappy' you may have been, or are sometimes, you are getting emotionally blackmailed into allowing your well-being to spiral into the toilet so your wife doesn't have to put any effort into getting better. It's pretty similar to what I've seen happen in my family growing up - the 'oh, we can't be bad people and let the addict self-destruct, despite how much his behaviour is harming everyone else. We just have to suck it up under the guise of 'family' and 'being good people'." I'm sure you know how the story ends - addict self-destructs anyways - they almost always do - and those who went overboard in trying to help got dragged right along with him. Your wife isn't an addict - but her mental illness and her refusal to try and get better is sucking you in the same way the addict sucked the rest of my family in. And you seem to have the same mindset my parents did with my addicted sibling ... it's their fault they couldnt' save him. They aren't trying hard enough. etc. etc. It doesn't matter that you aren't a saint and you've played a role in this relationship. Right now, the way things are, your wife is sucking the life out of you to prop herself up. She probably doesn't realize it, that's true. But does it matter if she's conscious of it or not? How many more times do you want to beat the s**t out of yourself in your car, or want to punch a wall? For what, anyways? So she can keep not showering, brushing her teeth, getting help, telling you you don't understand and telling you you don't love her? Not much of a payoff. Unless you've been an abusive b****tard, you don't deserve this. She doesn't deserve her illness, either, but she ain't exactly trying hard to get better, and she doesn't have the right to drag you down with her. So figure something out to preserve your sanity, so you can keep being a good step-dad, keep yourself sane .... and in the long run, letting her sort herself out is better for her anyways, rather than propping her up.
  3. Guy, you are being emotionally blackmailed by a master manipulator. And she thinks you don't love her? My question is: what does she do to show she loves you? This is a twisted situation where reality is inverted and you feel like you are the failure, that you don't understand her. It's the other way around. You are getting guilt tripped by someone who takes no responsibility for her own well being. Your wife is very emotionally and physically ill, but not so ill that she can't pick-and-choose what activities she is going to do, and who she is going to see, and where money is going to be spent. That's not 'so-ill-she-can't-function'. That's so-ill-she-can-function-and-is-sucking-you-in-to-help-her-do-so-at-the-cost-of-your-sanity-while-avoiding-putting-any-effort-in-to-helping-herself. I recommend that you seek counselling yourself, to uncover why you are in this situation, and seem to have been for a long time - and yet still feel like you are doing something wrong.
  4. To truly be shown that I exist, and that I'm important? To be shown that this existence isn't just a prison? I feel like when I got lost, it's just a shrug of the shoulders to people, and that I'm not really that important. I am constantly lying in my bed in sorrow with no one to even speak to. No one to even hear my words, or be concerned. There is only one person in this world that thinks of me in their own time, and that is my mother. No one else. I constantly see/hear about people going out of their way for someone, and it's a little painful knowing that no one but my mother does or will ever do that for me. Why everyone else? Why not me? I am trying to the best of my capabilities, and it is not enough. What does that look like to you? In your mind, what specifically do you picture when you think of someone showing you you are important? What are they doing?
  5. Think about jobs you think you could do successfully, then apply. The worst that can happen is you don't get a job. The best is that you do. Avoid ones that you know don't match your temperant or personality.
  6. I used to check up on a bully - and the coach who told him to assault me - fairly regularly. I never crossed a line into psychopathy on that one, but revenge fantasies were prominent for many years. I eventually went to the police to file a criminal complaint against the two of them - 20 years after the incident. Ironically, the bully was now a police officer at the precinct where I had to file the complaint. He ended up having to be questioned by one of the senior investigators in the department, and the chief of police was made aware of the situation - even though the incident stemmed from years before he was a police officer. Unfortunately the Crown Attorney declined to file charges, so the coach was never interviewed for his role in the assault However, the bully did acknowledge the role the coach played. So, I scared the crap out of the bully - even though no charges were laid. Plus, he seemed scared I was going to hurt him and his family. I had no plans to do that - but I have to admit the thought that he was scared of me .... felt pretty good. He got his, even if it was 20 years to late. Hopefully his wife and kids felt no worries, because they had nothing to do with it. However, it was good for me to know he felt fear. As for the coach - he ended up not achieving his dream of becoming a professional coach. Why? Partially because he was a terrible human being. So while I had nothing to do with his failures, I take solace that he failed in his life, and his character, or lack of it, played a role. He smiles on Facebook, too. Frankly, people smiling on facebook doesn't always mean much. Sometimes it's accurate, sometimes it's not. I am fairly comfortable knowing that bullies and thugs, unless they take responsibility for their actions, are stuck in an illusory version of happiness. It can be hard to be truly contented without knowing yourself fairly well - and that you are capable of good things and terrible things, and if you don't own that part of you that did something awful, if you make excuses in your head, if you don't try to make amends when you have the chance ... then there will be an emptiness inside you until you do ... you may have happy moments, good relationships, smiles on vacation, good jobs, but you won't feel real, consistent contentment. That's what I think anyway. Edit to add: I rarely check up on these people anymore. I still do on occassion, but nothing like before. And I don't dream about the assault anymore.I use to dream about the incident 2-3 times a year, for almost 20 years. I've been able to move on to some degree, although I can't make up for the lost years of rage and distorted thinking ...
  7. What is it that you want, specifically?
  8. Your psychologist isn't a medical doctor - isn't even a naturopath doctor, of whom I'm very skeptical but at least they have to go to school and get certified by a regulatory board. Psychiatrists have to go to medical school before doing a four-year psychiatry internship. Yeah, most of them are pill-pushers and rarely help anyone get better. They do know what the drugs are supposed to do, and the risks, however. There are psychiatrists out there who grasp there is more to mental health recovery than prescribing more medication. Find one. And find a new psychologist. This one is irresponsible to the point I doubt she can be of any help, and could actually be harmful.
  9. If you have Asperger's, I'd suggest meeting people who are introverted, yet still social to some degree, and don't have a reactive temperament. They get emotional like everyone else but don't express it right away. You are slow to process emotional signals, right? So meeting people with temperaments that match yours will be better than meeting extroverted people who are enthusiastic about expressing themselves. You won't have to worry about getting overwhelmed. Then, you'll feel more comfortable, more relaxed, and will probably feel better about being with someone. Just a thought, but it's based upon experience. I have signs of mild Asperger's and I can't keep up with people who are outgoing. It doesn't give me time to think. I have tried to get things going with very outgoing women, and except for one time when it went fairly well, it has generally been a disaster, and I have no idea why I tried so hard in retrospect. I rarely felt comfortable. It was always about trying to hide the fact that emotionally I didn't know what was going on.
  10. I think you may have misunderstood my post, or I didn't explain myself well. What I mean is, you are aware this only happens when you are down - the paranoia, the feeling bad if people don't get back to you in a timely manner, etc. So don't put yourself in a position where you could feel paranoia, or feel bad, if they don't get back to you. It isn't worth it. Don't contact anyone you don't already know at a level you feel comfortable with, unless it is absolutely necessary - like for important work related reasons, for example. You can't avoid doing what needs to be done at work even if you feel bad. If it isn't necessary, don't send it. You keep yourself out of a position of possible paranoia/feeling bad. It's self-preservation. You likely have experienced this dip in mood numerous times - the bad will eventually recede, you'll feel good again, and PM to your heart's content. Then, when you go into another down phase, go into self-preservation mode again until it lifts.
  11. You have no control over people's response times. Nor do you know the reasons people don't respond, or take a long time to respond. It could have something to do with you, or not. I'd put a guess, based upon my own experiences, that 95% of the time, I am wrong about my assumptions about people's replies. Heck, I've even started to not timely reply to people, even people I like. The thing is you recognize that you don't feel this way when you are in a good mood. So, don't pm people unless it is absolutely necessary when you are in a bad mood. It's not worth it, is it?
  12. Don't ask her out. Even if she said "yes", which is a definite possibility, you clearly don't feel you have anything to offer. So, even if she ended up liking you, which is also a possibility, you would constantly analyze her intentions, mistrust her and generally start acting weird because you don't know how to deal with it all, and aren't able to communicate that. No judgment. I have been there. Stay away from asking anyone out until you get the sense that you have something to offer and some semblance of a life you can share. Build yourself a life you can at least tolerate, and get to a point where you believe you have something to offer. Then ask someone out. The notion of 'risk-it-no-matter-what' is foolish. She very well could say 'yes' - but then what? You regale her with tales of how crappy you feel your life is and how you have no self esteem? You need to feel you are heading in the right direction. Or believe, truly believe, that down the road things will be better. You can get on that path with some help from a therapist, by building some good friendships, by finding a job you feel at least okay about, by moving out from your parents' place, by getting involved in hobbies and interests, by eating well, by exercising - you have a lot of control over that. Get yourself going in a positive direction. You can do it. Then you'll meet someone who you have a crush on, and you will feel okay about asking her out - there will still be risk but it will be one that makes sense to take.
  13. I am a personal trainer, mostly with people with mental health issues. All of my clients but one (out of 15 or 16) have felt better. The one - her mental health problems were very severe, as in hospitalization severe, and she wasn't ready to start a training program. She would have been better suited walking or biking. So, yeah, you'll feel better if you find a program that suits your mental and physical needs. I personally find exercise helps me manage my symptoms and stay stable. It isn't a miracle cure, however, nor is eating well. They help. A lot. They are very important and can give you more confidence to deal with whatever personal issues are leading to depression and anxiety.
  14. I was walking home from work today and saw several cops on bicycles surrounding a jeep/suv that was parked on the sidewalk. It looked like a couple had decided to park there for a short period of time - they were at the vehicle as well. I'm not exactly sure what happened but it looked like a bystander, or perhaps one of the owners of the townhouses by the sidewalk, might have complained. The cops were clearly on the side of the vehicle owners, and one cop yelled out 'go be crazy somewhere else' down the street - again possibly to someone who had made a complaint. Man, I was filled with something, anger, disgust, I don't know. For an officer of the law to use such a derogatory term as 'crazy' is uncomfortable. I was disappointed, too, I suppose - that someone who is supposed to be a pillar of integrity while on the job not only is that ignorant, but his fellow officers are in on it too because no one said anything to him. Makes me wish I had said something. I'm really just disappointed that this kind of ignorance can be so prevalent to the point where a cop will use that word as an insult publicly, with no fear of repercussion. Imagine him using the 'n-word' or 'f-word' like that? He'd be fired. Yet 'crazy' is no problem - and this was in an area known to have a number of people with mental illness living there. It's like walking into South Central L.A. and using a derogatory word for black people. I often hear the word and try to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes because, really, it isn't possible to speak up every single time. But most people aren't in positions of power like that over others and therefore the emotional reaction I have isn't as strong. I have a growing disrespect for police officers these days - I live in Toronto and it looks like they screwed up the Rob Ford investigation big time - clearly Ford has done numerous things with which he could be charged but nothing has happened. This doesn't help. Cops aren't special people just because they are cops. I'm tired of hearing how great they are. Yes, they have a dangerous job. Yes, we need police. Yes, there are good people on the force. Bleagh bleagh bleagh .... I should have said something. Then I could have gotten it out of my system.
  15. I know I am one person. I feel, however, like two people. Unfortunately for me, this isn't just in theory. I actually feel like two people - two versions of reality going on at the same time. I don't know which one is true, which is a dissociation, maybe they both have some validity. They are very much the opposite of one another - one crippled with self-doubt and one oddly sure of things. I sense them in different parts of my brain and/or body. It is exhausting, truly, this lack of integration. When I do feel more integrated, it's a great feeling. But usually I feel so separated. Ironically, I'm known for being calm, cool and rational, as if I know what I'm talking about. It is just a coping mechanism for the chaos, however. I'm generally so unsure emotionally what is going on, I have to use rigid logic to guide my behaviour. That only works when I don't spend much time with someone ... I wouldn't be able to keep that up in the long run if I spent a long period of time with the same people. That scares me and also comforts me - I know I can be stable if I use this strategy and that feels good. But I can't be content or healthy with this strategy, and connected to others, and that scares me. I don't know what is in my psyche or emotions at a deep level, and I never have. I started using this coping mechanism quite early - by age 12 for sure it was probably fairly ingrained, this use of logic to get by due to overwhelming confusion emotionally. To dig through this, I have to use emotions as a guide and I am not used to that. I'm f****king 40 years old. It's embarrassing to have the kinds of questions about people and life that a 12 year-old would understand. I've known I have a dissociative problem, major problem, for 20 years when I had a brutal nervous breakdown and things got so chaotic in my head that I had to choose a rigid set of behavioural rules to follow with people in order to stay stable. Those rules seem more in my head, as a way of avoiding the emotional rules that I really am very, very, very uncomfortable with. Anyone know what I'm talking about? About actually feeling like there is more than one person inside ... and it isn't just in theory. It really feels that way. It isn't an academic argument where you say, "Oh, I get that humans are complex and we are all capable of different personas" - it's an actual sense of more than one persona, and they argue, and debate, and fight and mess with each other and you sense both of them, sometimes at the same time, sometimes at different times? And you are trying to dig through to sort out your truth, whatever it may be as long as it is truth and authentic and not some fake truth, but you don't know what is authentic and what is fake - and you think maybe there's some truth to both of them, and how to cope and be consistent, both internally and socially?
  16. Thanks, LaurynJcat. I saw a psychologist and had another conversation with my supervisor. The issue isn't resolved but I have calmed down and am less dissociated. As for the porn, I'm not disgusted that I watched porn itself - I'm disgusted at how much and why and that I don't stop even when I know how much it wrecks my health. If I kept it to ten minutes ... maybe not a problem. But it's hour after hour, long after I realize I'm dissociating and becoming disgusted and ashamed ... because my mind tells me that watching more porn will obliterate the disgust and shame ... even though it caused it. Typical addiction thought process. I have wasted ten years of my life on this s**t.
  17. Guy, you are experiencing a level of stress that is beyond the norm - your scary thoughts about your girlfriend and your desire to cut mean that you are under more pressure than you can handle by yourself. Your parents have no clue what they are talking about, neither does the teacher, and you likely will benefit from medication. Your doctor prescribed them to you - take them. You need to find someone to talk to about your issues. In person. They won't resolve themselves. Is there a school counselor? In the meantime post here in order to vent. I have had terrible thoughts before - sometimes being able to vent them has helped and they don't necessarily go away, but they decrease in how intense they are and get easier to handle.
  18. You and your family have all the bases covered. The only thing I'd suggest is having a plan in place if he acts out in a harmful way. So if it happens, whoever is at home will be prepared. For example - does he have a bag packed in the unlikely case he needs to go to the hospital? I used to have a bag ready even when I wasn't in crisis, just in case I went into crisis. It helped calm me down to be prepared.
  19. You are going to have to do one of two things - 1) Go meet each other and see what happens. 2) Drop the whole thing. Personally I'd suggest meeting. You sound young and therefore have flexibility to move if it goes well. If it doesn't go well, then you at least won't wonder later on what might have happened.
  20. Meditation and yoga will help if you do them for a length of time that is appropriate for you, and provided you keep your expectations in check. Contrary to what 'gurus' say, neither are miracle workers which provide you with the meaning of life and the answers to your problems. What they do is provide you with is a stronger sense of self and a calmer sense of self so that you can better address the issues causing depression. I use to do yoga for an hour at a time but I don't want to spend that much time on it, I now do about 20 minutes a few times a week. I am content with that, and I do find it helpful at that length.
  21. I feel severely screwed. A few weeks ago, I was walking outside with a client. He twice made comments about the attractiveness of girls that, to me, looked about 17. I'm 40. The client is 59. The first comment I brushed off. The second comment pushed me into anger territory, plus I lost respect for him. I've known the guy three years, he and I have checked out women before. He's never commented on anyone age-inappropriate before so I gave him a break on the first one, but the second, really, was too much. It isn't good for me in my personal life to hang around people with that level of stunted development and bad judgment and it isn't good in my work life either. I suppose I could manage this fairly professionally if not for an emotional problem I'm having with this. Thing is, when he commented on the second girl(s), I was looking at two girls who looked about 12, who were doing a yoga demonstration. My mind made the connection that he was referring to them. I felt a rage inside, and fear - that he was possibly in a downward spiral, losing his mind. I didn't know what to do so I acted 'nice' the rest of the shift. It's how I have dealt with overwhelming anger before. Unable to process it. Back at the office, I was talking to a co-worker and the client was with us. I couldn't look the guy in the eye. Then after several minutes, I felt this wave of dissociation/disconnection pass over me and this feeling of "everything is okay" come over me. It isn't okay, but that dissociation was like morphine numbing the emotions. I later started up with one of my addictions - caffeine. That is relatively harmless, except it led to my other addiction (pornography). I felt further dissociation come over me, a loss of connection to myself, friends, my integrity. I don't have a moral problem with (legal) porn, but I feel disgusted with myself now for watching it. I have only seen the client once since then and did not get a chance to talk about this with him. If I continue to brush aside my emotional self about this, I am afraid I will not regain the ability to feel anything and will stay numb, cold with enormous repressed anger. Plus, I'm disgusted with the client and don't want to look him in the eye and act like i am interested in conversation. What is really causing me to feel split is that I recognize that it is unlikely he was referring to the twelve year olds. There were two older teenage girls close by also doing the yoga, he could have been looking at them, and likely was. They still looked underage - 16 or 17, however the anger I feel about that isn't the same as if a grown man says something about 12 year olds. So if i tell him that I don't trust him, that I'm concerned he could harm 12 year-olds, my rage may come up - I want to cause physical harm to him to get my anger out. (I am not at risk of actually doing that, i am stating what I feel, however) - I am accusing a client of being a potential criminal who harms children. If I don't tell him my fears, I feel I am ignoring my need to protect. No one listened to me growing up,no one protected me - I want to protect. That is my belief. Ignore that and what happens to my emotional health - can I ride this out? Logically, I am almost certain he was not referring to the 12 year-olds. He was referring to the others. I don't like this, don't condone it and I have lost respect for him. I can't respect a 59 year old who says these things, it's pathetic. But I can cope with it without dissociating. And my supervisor said it is okay to tell the client I am not interested in these kinds of conversations. However, i don't feel supported by my supervisor and he doesn't grasp the severity of the dissociation. Since this occured, i have dissociated and can barely remember the last 5 weeks. I'm sad I have behaved this way, afraid, angry ... Not sure how to address this. Not sure how to address my feelings with my supervisor. Or the client. Not sure how to work through this.
  22. Yeah it's probably a good idea. I'm struggling. I'm disappointed, too. I was having some moments where I 'got' what people see in each other, why people want to be with other people. Then, it all went away in a flash, because that is what dissociation can do. It can completely close off one part of your mind and activate another. It really is like being two people.
  23. Thanks, flasquish. A month ago I was having a very good day, thinking of very positive things, genuinely positive and healthy things. Then I crossed the line with my addictions and I felt disconnected almost immediately - ashamed, cold, no feelings or connections to other people. I know what happened - I was silent with my anger about a couple of things - the work thing being a big one. That led to me getting back into my bad habits, which let to me ignoring pretty much everything that bothered me, big and small, as I put on the functioning-everything-is-okay-face and now I'm severely dissociated and sinking. Then I disconnected from myself even more - when I do this I have trouble concentrating, remembering things. It's like Jekyll and Hyde and it feels like it happens almost instantaneously (even though there is always a build up). Then I have to put a lot of effort into making it seem like I'm still Jekyll when I've really become Hyde. I have an appointment with my therapist next week. I haven't seen her in months as I was on a tight budget but I decided to scrounge up the money.
  24. I had a month or two where I was making small improvements in my outlook - I even had a moment or two of gratitude and contentment. Then something happened at work that enraged me, I didn't know how to manage it. I dissociated. I could feel it happening, sitting there wondering how to cope with the anger I was feeling ... then this wave of dissociation passed over me and, on the surface, everything went calm. I knew what was happening,but it was almost like my mind was trying to tell me, "no, everything really is calm. It's okay." Bulls**t. I started back up with a couple of addiction issues (one minor, one major) and slowly, gradually, the sense of being angry faded. Except it didn't fade, I just didnt deal with it. So, after a week or two of this, I further disconnected, lost the feeling of making progress, felt terrible .... This really concerns me. When I dissociate, I sometimes react publicly by acting the opposite of what I'm feeling. This gets me through the day but it severely affects me later, in private. It is like a cycle of dissociation - I start avoiding how I feel about everything, not just the thing at work. Then my identity starts shifting around. Then my goals change, the way I feel about people changes ... in an instant. Then, because I know what is happening, I get scared that I will lose touch with my past ... that I have, as a way of coping, done things to myself that I can't recover from, too much damage ... All of this because I didn't know how to deal with the thing at work, which to me was very major. I also had a couple of smaller things come up that I disconnected from, so maybe it was a combination of things. But the work thing was the strongest .. the feelings of rage were incredibly strong. The other things led to fear and anger, but not like that. It sucks to be dissociated - especially to KNOW that you are dissociated.
  25. I can tell you right off the bat you aren't worthless. As a matter of fact, you offered a response to a post I made in a different thread a few weeks ago that I very much appreciated. You weren't aware of that, as I didn't have anything to say or add to the post so I didn't reply. But I felt pretty good. So, just by putting forth your opinions in a supportive manner you can make a difference to someone else. I'm willing to bet you've made a genuine contribution to others here, just by being non-judgmental. Perhaps that's something to appreciate about yourself when feeling down.
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