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About laorenjii

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  1. I am so sorry about your father's passing and you taking the steps to seek therapy/help are definitely going in the right direction. I hope you don't take what I say wrong/hurtful or upsetting but you being there while your father passed was not only courageous but I see it as comforting from your father's perspective. Someone he loved was there in his time of need. Not many people get to be there when a loved one passes. I also look at death, as sad as it is, as a transition to another stage of life. I'm not religious by any means and am more of a spiritual person. i lost two precious lives and was there to witness one of their passing down to his last breath. It was the hardest thing on earth to watch but I thank the stars I was there for him. I miss them both but in a sense they're still "here."
  2. I know exactly how you feel!!!!! I'm 37 and I feel like a huge failure. I absolutely hate asking my parents for money or help. I hate struggling and it makes me severely depressed. I had to force myself to try and stop comparing myself to others and try to motivate myself daily (trying to get approved to go to school and become a veterinarian). I have to constantly remind myself that I came a long way and made it through a lot of adversity! You have your whole life ahead of you. And I'm glad that you are soldiering on! I swear writing out a list of achievements (no matter how minor) makes a difference. I did this when I was applying for a scholarship. When I was done, I looked over that list and was like Holy bleep! Look at what you've done/gone through!!! It's posted up on my fridge. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
  3. I was surprised they only asked for this years paystubs and only December 2012. The pay totaled $600 then went down to $400. And I have no insurance. I definitely have the recent work quarters. I'm guessing either award letter is coming in the mail since they said I was approved?
  4. This was my second time applying for SSDI and SSi and yesterday I received a letter from both of them. SSDi letter- approved but need to talk to me and collect a copy of my birth certificate, pay stubs from Dec 2012 to present and a friend/relative/agency who can receive my check. So I'm guessing approved? Haven't received a letter for any amount. Why do they need paystubs for this year? SSi letter - they need more info. Actual set appointment with time and date and a person. They're looking for bank statements (I have only a walmart debit card), pay stubs since April of this year. Then it states that I would have to be prepared to update my income, resources and living arrangelments since April 2013. Plus no funds can be released without a proper payee. :-/ Background info on me: I'm homeless right now and have been for 6 months now (blah not good!) Had a job but it's ending anyways in a week! I couldn't keep up at all and have lost out on a lot of days of work. You don't get paid time off either so pay checks disappeared in 2 days....especially when you're living out of your car and have to buy fast food. My current caseworker sucks ass! Always saying "I don't know what to do." Couldn't stay in a shelter due to having a dog (ESA but only service animals are allowed but he is in training to be a service animal but I do understand that he cannot have any access till fully trained). Slept in the car and now it's -1 or below out (in Coloraddo) and I'm fortunate to be able to sleep on a couch for two nights only. And trust me when I say I have tried services for help and for even a hotel voucher. Ziltch! Sucks but whatever. Looking to apply for subsidized housing! Some are available now on a housing listing provided by a caseworker and HUD. Just wished I knew what SSDi reward would be. I've worked since I was 18 and joined the military then after the military everything slowly went down the drain. Blah. By the way this was for my anxiety/depression/borderline personality disorder as well as some physical pain (foot, spondylosis,).
  5. Just went into my appointment today and they're not cross referencing it as an appeal. It's considered a fresh new application. I had 60 days on my old app to appeal and if you don't appeal within those 60 days you have to file a new app.
  6. Yep I'm bringing in VA medical records plus I have some physical things (sciatica, feet that literally **** me so I can't even stand for an hour even with various Dr Scholls inserts! and sitting makes an entire leg numb) and letters from my therapist and caseworker. I just hope all goes well because I don't know what to expect with the lady I'm supposed to meet at the appointment.
  7. Hello, Last year I had applied for disability only to be flat out denied via a letter. It acknowledged that I had disabilities but not enough to qualify. This year I reapplied (should've appealed but long story) and received a letter from ssa with a date and appointment. Never got this from the last time I had applied for disability the 1st time. I am supposed to bring an adult disability report to this appointment. Is this a better chance on being approved the 2nd time around?
  8. I didn't know there were different types of bpd. At first I thought I was just severely depressed but then to be extremely over reactive, quick to go off, suspicious of people, hate feeling abandoned (like a friend of mine just moving a couple streets over!) and my black and white thinking...I'm definitely bpd.
  9. Am I the only one who finds doing this amusing or someway to make myself to be someone interesting besides being myself? I've been doing this at drive-thrus, with some customers at work, but am i the only one? I get a feeling that I am truly bpd instead of bipolar (I was so in denial but I could possibly be bp2).
  10. Hello! I can only work and deal with part-time jobs! I can't imagine full-time. The last time I worked a 40/hr a week job was 5 or 6 years ago...when I was undiagnosed and very volatile! I would walk out of work in temper tantrums or in full blown tears, I was explosive etc. I have worked only part time jobs which are way easier for me to deal with though the one I'm currently in has agitated everything in me. I HATE customers, I HATE customer service and retail. There are days that my coworker has to take over because he knows how volatile I am. There was a day where I spent 8 hours in our sections stockroom reorganizing everything all this hardwork that I did only to have some manager that didn't work in our section say that we had to relabel everything with a stupid label maker. I was SO upset, I had to leave and talk to my therapist over the phone for an hour. So upset. Since then, I am so quick to have breakdowns at work or not care anymore. I'm hoping, by fall, to be enrolled fulltime into an Equine Science program (horse studies!!). It is up my ally and extremely peaceful for me.
  11. I ended up giving up the job. I'm currently not on any meds save.for temazepam and therapy is non existent right now; my next VA therapist visit is at the end of August and my non profit case worker is going to get me in to see a pdoc next Tuesday. I wish I could get CBT and DBT weekly or even every two Weeks but alas i.can't afford any therapy at all and don't have insurance. Also I had to drop it since it would.be only for two days a week in the mornings. Night shift would've been worth it but not with this day shift.crew that seems to be garbage. I've been in worse situations, the military, but I don't have the support or resources that I had back then at all. I'll just stick to the bookstore job and do dog daycare part time since they're not as stressful. :p
  12. Well, I've been training as a hostess/busser/server for the past three Fridays and felt that I was doing a sort of good job since I was able to do most of it without being told. Well last Sunday I worked a morning shift and I have to say it was the worst thing ever due to the a-hole waitresses. It's a little place and these idiots were running around like chickens missing their heads. Sorry I worked as a waitress for a monster sized resteraunt before that would these idiots to shame. Anyways I almost walked out! Almost cussed out the idiots and slowly losing my cool. At the end of that wretched shift, I had told the boss that I would never work a morning shift again but she was like that's the shift she was looking to hire for. My trainer wanted me to give it a shot this Sunday. I don't feel safe doing this because I know that if last Sunday was repeated again, those waitresses will be litterally bathing from a pitcher of ice water, dishes will be broken. It's Friday and I'm still mad about the entire thing. Anyways it was extra cash since I wont get paid from my other job till next Friday. Not that much money at all. I know my VA therapist I'd thinking why is she dropping this job but I feel that its best to since I'm not on any meds save for temazepam.
  13. I'm in the same boat as you except filing for PTSD, bipolar 2 and anxiety. I haven't and don't intend to tell my parents or friend, i.don't want to be looked at as a mooch. I just landed three jobs and now am dropping 2 because I thought I could function like I used to but that's a big no. My caseworker and a boss of hers helped me apply for disability yesterday. I've heard a lot about having a disability lawyer to help out.
  14. Just an update: Finally saw my pdoc Friday and made the demand to have medical treatment as part of my treatment. I told him that he didn't see me everyday to make a decision on whether or not I should have meds as part of my treatment PLUS I told him that all this stress, depression, the moods, the insomnia was taking a toll on my body physically. He told me that he still wouldn't prescribe anything since I'm still in this "crisis" mode and that he thinks meds wouldn't help anyways. The only thing he managed to prescribe me was 30 mg of temazepam for sleep. The VA system just really blows and I'm not the only veteran who thinks this either. I had talked to another fellow veteran, a fire cracker of a little lady, who went through the same thing with me from crappy therapists (we had the same therapist I discovered so I no longer feel guilty for trading her out for a new one!), similar traumas and what not. This lady was one to tell me that this is my mental health/my life and I need to be in charge of it if I want to improve and get stable and not to put up with garbage treatment. I'm hoping that my disability claim for the VA comes through. But anyways since I did get a chance to talk to my pdoc and get no results I will be sticking to just seeing the va therapist and going to the nonprofit for treatment and a second opinion. As a matter of fact I have an appointment to see my assigned case manager at the nonprofit and she is also scheduling me to see a pdoc.
  15. Mom used to tell me that all the time when I was a kid. She didn't seem to understand that her "tough love" approach did not work, that it only made me feel worse because it reminded me how screwed up I was and that I couldn't do what she wanted. This line rings true to me. My now ex therapist liked using this disasterous "tough love" approach way too many times. All it did was make my F.E.A.R become real, affirm my belief that I was a loser and caused me to end up in the ER for an overdose AFTER leaving a session with her. "Tough love" approaches, to me, allows people to take out their frustration/anger/disappointment on you and gives them permission to be abusive all under the guise of "tough love" and have total disregard for your feelings. I've had friends say: - People with mental illnesses are just being selfish. - She's just drama and I don't need that in my life. - I wouldn't put up with someone with mental health issues (then this ex friend of mine remembered that I was in the room then quickly added-I'd only put up with friends with mental health issues.) - You're too overwhelming (So now I tend to keep problems to myself that fester and build up inside of me then people wonder what is wrong with me when I finally explode and lose it) - Why don't you just down some sleeping pills or slit your wrist (this came from my ex whose mother also suffered from severe depression) - When you walk out like and shut down like that it makes me look bad infront of my friends (God forbid I make her look so bad infront of the crappy friends that are no longer in her life NOW! I could care two craps about your loser friends thoughts about me!) - I don't need to know about your mental illness or understand it, that's not my job (same person who said that mental illness is just a person being selfish and this person is going to be a teacher. God help those students of hers who might possibly suffer from a mental illness) One person on the suicide crises line said to me: "You need to pull yourself together and figure out what to do and move on." I hung up on this person immediately. A coworker said to me: "Why don't you just leave you Bipolar -bleep-!" You bet your bippy I ran out of the office to go home!
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