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teasips

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About teasips

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  • Birthday 11/24/1981

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    yinhun@gmail.com

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    Female
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    Malaysia

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  1. teasips

    Less alone

    Hello artist, You make the unknown seem familiar, You look through me clearer than a mirror, Your work speaks to me so tender, That I’d stop all haste and relax to slumber, You remind me that I’m not alone, And I should once again trust the unknown, Forgive and allow myself to be forgiven, The surest way to feel the peace of heaven, You sculptured beauty in suffering and pain, Challenging me to hope once again, You assure me that the world is much bigger, And my existence is a mere brief linger Thank you, Oh artist, You may be a complete stranger, But you are my perfect teacher.
  2. teasips

    Will we be ok?

    Thanks for dropping by. Feels comforted when my post is read.
  3. teasips

    Will we be ok?

    About two weeks ago, after months of self-imposed home imprisonment; I went out. I went window shopping in a big bookstore. I heard a man speaking very loudly. "You know how many people uses a dictionary?" When the other sentences seemed incoherent, I turned to look for the source of this noise. It was a tall Asian man in his 40s. He was talking to himself. No one was with him. My heart ached. Oh no. Another one. Another one of us. He looked quite well physically, handsome even. If not for his behaviour, and his odd choice of clothes; he'd passed as just another ordinary dude next door. I dare not look at him. I was scared. It could have been me. It still could... It really could. My shame twisted my heart as I stole another glance of him. Will he be ok? Will I be ok? Will we be ok?
  4. teasips

    Same same

    I can't believe that after all these years, after all that has happened, I'm back in the same dark hole. Same. Dark. Hole. "A place so bad where I thought I must have completed that "quota" in life and I won't have to go through it again. A very dark place where it was a miracle that I have survived/escaped before. Now that I'm back in that place.... everything in me is either breaking down, giving up or self-destructing...I'm just so tired.... Just so tired of this same misery" I tried so hard to paddle myself out of this but now find myself back at the very same place. Only older. I am aging and much of my youth was spent on paddling in aimless circles. One good thing about being deep in my dark corner, my sanity is somewhat more stable. This is when the full blast of reality hits me. All the things that have happened. All the things that I have said and done. A personality that isn't really me and yet it was me. How I cower in shame. And this cycle will happen again. In the still dark night, the icy reality pierces through my shivering thoughts, " I am unwell. I will be unstable again. I can't even depend on myself, my own mind. I am cr@zy. C.R.A.Z.Y. People stay away from me." I. Can't.
  5. teasips

    Congrats my friend

    I had a FB push notification about a friend's latest profile photo. She's in her wedding dress ???!!!??? The last time we met was in July. She didn't even mention that she was seeing someone. We spoke on the phone in August, and that was it. I didn't make any attempt to contact her, nor she I. I've not been in a good shape for the past couple of months, so I thought it's best to just let the sleeping dogs lie. This sudden news reminded me of my other comrade friend (also suffering from mental illness) who also got married very abruptly. Both of them share another disturbing similarity, absence of their family's blessing and clouded with lies. As I was about to get really judgemental of their choices, I realised something. I did something similar too. I too, had desperately wanted change for myself, where I had packed and left for Penang, a choice which I live to regret till now. Upon some self-reflection and reverie, I began to take their point of view on this matter. I wish her all the best. ________________________________________ On a different note, Only now, I realised that the period 2010-2014 was the best period of my life, since having this illness. Funny, I honestly didn't realised that back then. Back in 2010 - 2014, I thought I needed to make a change for myself, as I was unhappy. But now, every now and then FB will send reminders of old posts in my page and I will look at it with great sadness and regret. "I was happy and I actually didn't realised it". "I wasn't contented, and I never realised that the sh!t could be worse, as they are now". I guess everything happens for a reason. Even sh!t .
  6. teasips

    Again

    "I can't afford another meltdown" - a self-warning to be careful as NOT to slip again. I say this each time I seem to be recovering, seem to be getting back on my feet. Each time I start a new job, when all seems so hopeful. Yet, I still fall. And when I'm down again in my darkest hole, the thought of giving all up, "I can't do this again" will be on replay. And yet, here I am. I'm still here. I will climb back up again. I will fall again. I can do this. Again.
  7. teasips

    Fearfully happy

    Since my return from Penang, I have received some comments that I look much better (in positive spirits) compared to the last time they saw me. A close friend, a TCM physician, and a GP. These are people who had been seeing me on off basis for years. Their discerning assessment carries substantial weight. Well,... I am currently contentedly happy. Fearfully happy. That's right. Fearfully. Happiness isn't something that stays with me. And believe me, my requirements to consider myself happy, are very low. Employed, no dark monsters , not wanting to die, sleep and eat reasonably well, and sufficient social contact are my checklist for happiness. New job again. Damn scared.
  8. met up with B again recently. I shared with her my very thoughts which I had written in my blogpost. "Now I'm finally beginning to listen to my feelings. I feel that I have disrespected my own instincts, thoughts and feelings for a very long time." I shared with her my first thoughts about our mutual acquaintances. How right I was. But I chose to ignore my instincts gave them the benefits of the doubt. Oh, how the doubts became misjudgements. Misjudgements became hurtful experiences. If only I had trusted my first impression. B said, "Hmm... nice word play. Disrespected our own feelings... We Asians are taught to respect other people's feelings, but never once I've been taught to respect my own."
  9. I've been watching a lot of Netflix stand-up comedies lately. I just love how confident these performers are. Some of them aren't even funny but they don't give a d@m* and they made sure their audience know that. Many even come off as conceited let alone pushovers. Jeers and critics slide off their back like it ain't nothing. (lol. look how I'm already influenced) This kind of confidence is very alien to me. In my abusive childhood, I was ingrained to believe that I am unworthy of being offended. When my parents were being mean to me, when my siblings were bullying me, I was taught to believe that I had deserved such treatment - that I was bad, and the abuse was justified. I had no right to be angry. I had to learn to swallow my anger like it was my shame. This toxic upbringing left a lasting bruise to my self-esteem. Whenever I was offended, I would immediately find excuses for that perpetrator or worse, blame myself. I had a friend (A) who takes no qualms in correcting me. Friend (B) can't stand it and asked me why do I tolerate her. "Oh, she doesn't meant it, she has the right intentions," I honestly said, trying to diffuse my loyal friend B's anger. B is so annoyed at A's insensitive behaviour, (no wait, B said RUDENESS), that B warned me to never again invite A if I want to meet-up with her (B). That was 4 years ago. When I met up with B upon returning from Penang, I shared with her how annoyed I felt with another friend (C). My perceptive friend B smiled. "Penang has changed you. You are more confident now. You now know that you too have the right to be angry at others." Her remark got me thinking. I didn't realised all this until she said that. That's right Biotches.... I'm angry. I'm learning to practise the wise mantra of Netflix comedians when people diss them. .......................................................................................................... .............................................................................................................................. **** You
  10. teasips

    reverie

    I went for a shopping stroll. As I was munching my McFillet, I noticed a man (40s) rocking back and forth on the bench with an elderly woman whom I presumed to be his mother. The man was eating a cone of ice-cream and he was poking his face with the other arm repetitively.It was so eeriely familiar. Back in 2005-2006 I was rocking myself like that too whenever I sat down. I think it was the side effects of the medication. It messed up the nerves in the head.An elderly man whom I presumed it's the father joined them and they left the bench. The father held his hand like how we would hold on to a child's. I wonder if he'd have any chance of a more independent lifestyle in near future. I felt so sad. I went to Ikea and was welcomed by a very jovial middle-aged Indian lady. Her smile and soothing voice delighted me immediately. Her approach was so friendly that I was prompted to ask about the membership program. She was so helpful that I signed up immediately.You know, back in my school days, I would have told you that my ambition is to be this and that, the usual stuff that defines the materialistic success, big salary, big car, big house etc. But now, I can tell you wholeheartedly that I want to be like that Ikea lady. Someone who is genuinely content and takes pride in her work. You can't fake that kind of serene joy. I used to tell people that my retirement ambition is to sell newspaper at night. (The Chinese press has evening papers which has a strong readership). The hours are short and flexible. It'd be a great way to earn side income while waiting for bedtime (this is a scenario for years later). Also, newspaper has a way of keeping me excited all the time. Friends would tease me, "You can do it right now! Why wait?" I'd just smile of course, as it's not financially viable now. That's why it's a 'retirement' plan. You see, if I can be selling newspaper in the evening, it would mean that I'd still have my health despite my old age. And I'd have enough money NOT to work full-time but just for 3 hours a day. It'd be a great way to **** time and I'd have something to look forward to everyday. More importantly, I would have matured to a point where I'm not even bothered should there be any acquaintances who might degrade and gossip maliciously just coz (American slang). I should be so proud if I can rise above and do that. Hence, it'd be a great personal success if I can do then when I'm old.
  11. teasips

    Does it matter?

    thank you very much for this post. i really needed to read it.
  12. teasips

    A note to my friend

    "Thank you for popping by few weeks ago. Really appreciate it. As you might ,have known for a while, things haven't been smooth-sailing for me here in P. Many times I question my decision to come here. Of course, now that I'm already here, I definitely have to persist. Should the worst case scenario happen, at least I have a little while more before moving back. I remember writing you a card back in 2008-2009(?) I had finally calmed down from a manic episode and decided to quickly write you something before I lose it again. Well, this is something like that too. But this time, instead of mania, it is from an utmost despair. I do understand that I am being troubled by things that shouldn't. Logically, I should be able to go on with my life and work - unaffected. Unfortunately, my brain doesn't work that way for me. My mind doesn't tell me logic and rationale. My dysfunctional upbringing causes me to yearn for more of what is absent. Illogical and hurtful actions and remarks make me obsess for their reasons and justice when there are none. My entire focus was on the very thing that wasn't good for me. I enjoy writing. My head gets clearer when I write. Clarity in mind doesn't come often for me. It's a luxury. I'm sorry I wasn't in a good shape when you came to visit. But then again, you have seen worse. When we were in the restaurant, when I was listening to you, I thought of the time I met up with you in McD in 2010(?) I was beginning to get back on my feet again, with a new job commencing and I was just in awe of you. You have accomplished so much, moved so far ahead since our graduation. I don't mean it like we are in a race, more like how everyone else have moved on to many bigger things, forwarding in their lives, while I am still at the same old spot, fighting the same monster. I don't mean it in a self-pity way, because that's life. I mean it in a seeing myself in perspective - sorta way. Anyway, thank you for being my friend, for being there - always."
  13. After the church lunch , a young couple offered to send me home. As I got into their car, the baby toddler was so excited thinking that she has a new 'buddy' to play with going home with her. She was so excited, balancing her stand and leaning towards me, smiling at me with her angelic twinkling dewy eyes. I felt like a million bucks. A million extra more as I've been feeling very useless lately. It's an amazing feeling to have a precious creature looking at me like that. No judgement at all. So pure. So real. As magnificent as the Milky Way. Children's eyes are channels to the omnipotent.
  14. It's a cold morning. Wind was howling. Unemployment is getting to me. I think this period is essential. My words to a friend, "I should suffer, so that I'd remember how bad unemployment stinks." I need to remember the pain of unemployment so that I'd try harder to keep the job next time. Especially when the anxiety and darkness come knocking with its lies and paralyzing fear.
  15. teasips

    For survival

    JasonDark, what do you mean AV?
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