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Tora

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    Somewhere near the scifi town "Eureka"

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  1. feeling sick to my stomach with anxiety....been that way for the majority of the week, but today I have the first thesis meeting I've had since I took leave due to a major depressive period in the early spring. I've been "reassured" by my collegues and advisor who have been apraised of the situation, but the combination of burn-out and feeling like my project is as strong as a piece of swiss cheese has made it hard to accept their words when my own are so decidedly negative. haven't eaten for most of the day - hopefully after the meeting the rollercoaster of anxiety will stop inching higher and higher and finally fall back to a more managable level so I can eat.
  2. struggling....unforseen circumstances has moved up the due date for a huge project I've been working on for +6 months, but it's not ready and my anxiety over the moved presentation/submission date has made it worse, because now I can't concentrate and thus have wasted three days stuck in my anxiety/depression instead of working hard to get it done in time. Trying to find a way to resolve the situation, but it's been a tough three days....
  3. 1) I sent an email letting my advisor know I was feeling "under the weather" and wouldn't be coming in today (big step for me on communicating when I'm feeling depressed) 2) Sent a second email letting a company who I've been trying to get a job with about a potential time commitment issue that may prevent me from getting the job....it's been upsetting since I'm worried they won't even bother to interview me knowing I'll be gone for part of february, so fingers crossed. 3) just the fact that I checked my email to begin with....a high anxiety trigger for me when I'm feeling down/anxious about life. baby steps....trying to end the day on a high note.
  4. Today's one of the worse "down" days I've had in a while, probably a product of holding in anxiety rather than being open and communicating my concerns with the person involved. I did successfully chat about it with him, and worked out a resolution, so that was good. I realize I struggle to tell people "no", often to the detriment of my own mental health because I get anxious over trying to cram all these commitments in....also been struggling with finding work, which has been very hard to not be depressed/upset over. Anyways, just feeling sad today.
  5. Took some deep breaths applied to new jobs (rather than just worrying about them and not bothering to apply) managed to stay on top of my anxiety enough to send an email to my advisor letting myself watch some junk tv shows on netflix for a bit now :)
  6. Had a training session at the gym last night to help with my knee rehab....feeling exhausted today - it's hard to concentrate when all I want is a nap.....
  7. Despite missing/not going to a meeting because I was too anxious, which was (unfortunately) a big step backwards, my steps forward today were I was able to focus for more than an hour today on my work I didn't overeat/snack I sent some important emails to people that I'd been putting off due to anxiety, and got almost immediate (and positive) responses
  8. Makes a lot of sense, actually. But I think remembering that we are not the people we were yesterday brings up a good point; sometimes we do or make decisions we either don't know or know will hurt us. But it's impossible for the person we are now to go back in time and slap some sense into past you, and it falls into the category of things beyond your control (and thus should be less of a focus than what is in your control, like maintaining sobriety). Today I am very proud of the programming I've been able to get done - for the past two weeks I very quickly downspiraled, and today is the first big day that I've noticed myself feeling a bit more like "me".
  9. I feel more able to focus than yesterday, which has been reassuring - going to take advantage of it while I can! So...feeling slightly hopeful?
  10. goals for the rest of today.... 1) look at jobs and email my resume to my friend with the ones I'm interested in 2) email a person a professor in my office recommended to talk about job opportunities 3) work on coding to show my advisor tomorrow 4) go for a run tonight at the gym 5) give myself a treat/break and put some more money on my starbucks card so I can buy some fancier drinks (instead of drip all the time)
  11. I got on top of my anxiety over emailing/letting people know I suffer from depression and was actually able to let my advisor know that I wasn't feeling well last friday (and thus didn't show up for a meeting), and that I'd be in the office tomorrow. I didn't say it was due to my depression, but just emailing him about not feeling well was a step in the right direction. The last time this happened I was so anxious over responding I avoided checking my email for a week (and the first time it happened I didn't check my email for over two months....).
  12. feelings of frustration and failure - have to push back finishing my master's degree because I'm not learning the tools necessary for my thesis fast enough. It's not world ending, but I've been looking for work to help pay for school, and I just found out I didn't get another job (this one was at my dream company). Rough day.
  13. this is for yesterday/today, may as well group them into one..... I was able to focus for more than an hour on my work, and actually managed to figure out some issues in my code went to the gym and worked out for an hour went grocery shopping/made my lunch for today so I won't have to spend as much money
  14. The day may have started off on a depressing note, but it doesn't have to stay that way. I am going to take a break from talking with my friend (whose depression is starting to trigger my own) and the goal is I'll treat myself to a cookie and a cup of coffee and focus on getting some work done for at least an hour. I also want to go to bed on time tonight. Let's do this!
  15. I feel....frustrated. It's both funny and annoying just how easily it is for other people's moods to affect someone with a higher sense of empathy/sympathy....in this case today my friend's rock-bottom depressive episode is leaving me feeling sad and frustrated myself at not being able to help her out of her current negative state of mind. I've suggested therapy, even this forum, but she just sees it as worthless. deep breaths.
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