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Natasha1

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  1. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to ArnoldJRimmer for a blog entry, Stardate....it doesnt matter   
    The problem with depression groups is that we all worry that we will say something that triggers someone into irrevocable decisions.
    This isn't one of those.  I am not responsible for anyone else and they aren't responsible for me. 
    My world is a confining and crushing space where only I exist.  I wanted to touch others but can't.  No one exists as more than a tv show supporting character..
    All i felt love for were fake creations of my dreams.  
    Why are we here but to pay for something we don't remember.  
    Fault is my own.  There is no forgiveness nor atonement.
     
  2. Like
    Natasha1 got a reaction from Bbqdad for a blog entry, It's coming. Maybe.   
    It's coming. Maybe.
    I was slated for age 70. 22 years is a bit to wait. But I have been asking Spirit to take me sooner.
    I haven't even been giving readings anymore. Giving readings and helping people always helped me. My clairaudience is quieting down though. 
    My dreams are prophetic. I haven't meditated on some of them yet so at this point I am unsure of it's an awakening/transformation or a literal death.
    I am meeting with a urologist in 2 months. So it's possible that Spirit is listening.
    Maybe the Law of Attraction really does work when feasible. 
    Maybe it's bladder cancer instead of brain. Maybe it will be painful. I deserve that.
    Maybe Daddy will come to me and give me some information again. Maybe he can tell me if I will be with him soon.
    Maybe...
  3. Sad
    Natasha1 got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, It's coming. Maybe.   
    It's coming. Maybe.
    I was slated for age 70. 22 years is a bit to wait. But I have been asking Spirit to take me sooner.
    I haven't even been giving readings anymore. Giving readings and helping people always helped me. My clairaudience is quieting down though. 
    My dreams are prophetic. I haven't meditated on some of them yet so at this point I am unsure of it's an awakening/transformation or a literal death.
    I am meeting with a urologist in 2 months. So it's possible that Spirit is listening.
    Maybe the Law of Attraction really does work when feasible. 
    Maybe it's bladder cancer instead of brain. Maybe it will be painful. I deserve that.
    Maybe Daddy will come to me and give me some information again. Maybe he can tell me if I will be with him soon.
    Maybe...
  4. Sad
    Natasha1 got a reaction from Depressedgurl007 for a blog entry, The End   
    Yeah, not meant for me
    Leave what no longer serves me?
    Spirit says die alone
     
    Tell me dear Spirit
    Why was it given at all
    Oh the damned contract?
     
    The one signed in blood?
    Or  tears from my tired soul?
    When sent to this hole
     
    My soul is tired 
    Spirit please make it stop now
    Have I not learned yet,?
     
    Past life regressions
    Showed me so much that was done
    That no one should see
     
    Why give me this gift
    To see things if you can't be clear
    Yeah be vague then leave
     
    Abandonment kills
    They will never understand 
    and everyone leaves
  5. Sad
    Natasha1 got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, Tarot Warned Me   
    I wasn't listening. Something I have always been proud of is I could do readings on myself objectively. I should work on opening up and developing my clairaudience more and get my other clairs past their infancy stage. 
    At least I am able to help other people but who is going to help me? All I have ever wanted in this life isn't meant for me. The cards told me. My dreams as well. Spirit doesn't want me to have what I want. 
    I THINK im seeing what my life purpose is but it's still pretty muddy.
    I think my soul was meant to sing, but it's tired and its voice is broken.
  6. Like
    Natasha1 got a reaction from HeatherG for a blog entry, A Favourite   
    Only you, you're the only thing I'll see forever
    In my eyes in my words and in everything I do, nothing else but you - ever
    Always you, every thought I'll ever know
    Everywhere I go you'll be
    All the world is only you and me
  7. Like
    Natasha1 got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, A Favourite   
    Only you, you're the only thing I'll see forever
    In my eyes in my words and in everything I do, nothing else but you - ever
    Always you, every thought I'll ever know
    Everywhere I go you'll be
    All the world is only you and me
  8. Thanks
    Natasha1 reacted to Gisele for a blog entry, Pandemic Suggestion Box   
    Dear World,
    To help us better manage the scourge, could we please,
    1. Get a touching elbows emoji. This is now urgent
    2. Notice how our children are coping and promote that as the working model. It's just adults that embarrass us all. 
    3. Enough already with war analogies. There is no glory. It is not the enemy. It is a virus. It  is especially odd and coolly ironic how the USA in particular loves these references, given how they have not won a war since 1945. We can only hope science is more successful
    4. Stop taking the credit for this new phenomenon of Social Distancing. The mental health community perfected this a zillion years ago
    5. If you're going to monkey, maybe marinate it in hand sanitizer for about ... I dunno, three years ... and get the pan proper hot
    6. Completely unrelated - Free Julian Assange. Then again, maybe it isn't unrelated. Truth has never been more fashonable
    7. Free Julian Assange
    8. Immediately
     
  9. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to RiverLight for a blog entry, CoronaVirus Anxiety   
    My whole company is now working from home. My husband is still working his job. My anxiety is starting to go through the roof over the Corona virus. Everything in my state is shutting down left and right, the store shelves are empty, and it feels like the apocalypse. 
    If and when my husband can no longer work, we lose his income and therefore cannot afford our rent and bills. We will have to take out a bank loan in that case, and go further into debt. 
    I am very scared. I am also sick right now and don't yet know what I have. I've had cold and flu-like symptoms, so I am seeing a doctor today. I hope I can get tested for this virus. I don't know if I was exposed, and I could have been since we traveled by plane to Florida recently to visit my husband's parents. I could have easily been exposed at the airport or on the plane, even though we were careful and used antibacterial wipes and washed our hands constantly. His father was also ill with some sort of flu/cold, so I could have caught what he had. 
    Oh, man, this is so very frightening! I already deal with anxiety, so this really does not help. I am trying to remain calm and take things one day at a time. But when schools and businesses are all shutting down, when everyone is told to go home, and when the store shelves are empty, it's hard not to let the mind go to a dark place. Not to mention the fact that we have now entered into a deep recession. I could also lose my job, on top of everything else, since I am the highest paid in my whole dept. The world is crumbling, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I feel so helpless, as I am sure we all do. 
    I cannot let my mind go there right now though. One day at a time. We just bought $400 worth of food and supplies, so at least we are covered there. And I see the doctor in a little while. Hopefully it will be a positive outcome. 
    I pray for all of us. 
  10. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, My Mental Attitude..   
    My mental attitude at the moment can be aptly described thusly:

    (appropriate nods and obsequious noises here for Berkeley Breathed, noted Genius of the Pen)
  11. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to JD4010 for a blog entry, Last night was a bust   
    I've been so weary as of late. I got home from work last night with every intention to go for a walk. Sat down in my recliner "for a minute" and Ziva the cat jumped into my lap. I woke with a start 90 minutes later and it was dark outside. No walk.
    Today I walked 4 blocks to a mailbox and back to send a letter to a friend in prison. I skipped work this afternoon and napped for an hour, again with Ziva. After that I was able to shove my carcass out the door and go for about a 1/2 mile walk. I guess that counts as a victory.
  12. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to RiverLight for a blog entry, Job Choices and Bad Timing   
    I may have a new job offer coming, from a well-known national brand. It would be a great opportunity -- it's a big job and is 15K more in salary. Then there's another position that I REALLY am interested in, that is 75K higher in salary, a Senior Director of eCommerce role for a travel company. For the latter job I had to take two personality tests and a math test. I didn't even finish the math test -- it was timed and it timed out before I could finish. I may not even make it to the interview stage for that one, but I wish I could have interviewed already so that I could have two options to choose from at the same exact time. The timing of this sucks. 
    IF I get the offer from the well-known brand, I may have to take it. Things are shaky at work, at best. They let someone go last week, the highest paid in the company, and we still don't have enough clients for my team or for me. It's only a matter of time before I am let go, being the highest paid in my dept. I cannot afford to be between jobs. My husband is job hunting now too since his hours were cut along with his pay. We're OK right now (I think), but we both need a new job and SOON. 
    I suppose if I take the lower paying job it's still a leg up from where I am now, and it is still a stepping stone to a comparable eCommerce Director role down the road. I can look at it that way. And it's still 15K higher than what I make, which would give me 2-3K extra per month. I was salivating over the possibility of a 75K higher salary though. That would allow me to save 4-5K per month very easily!!! And it's a seemingly great job. 
    I should be thankful that I am still in the running with the well-known brand. I don't think I can afford to pick and choose right now, which is unfortunate. I wish I had that option. It always seems like I have to take the very next job offer that comes along out of pure necessity. I wish it were different. Maybe next go around. Gotta stay positive! At least I may have a job offer, and before I get laid off from my current job -- always looking at the bright side!! 
  13. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Week of July 31st   
    I am starting a new routine.  I botched the old one last weekend, but I'm telling myself that's okay.  My youngest wants to work out at the gym, too.  So I am starting a new routine of working out at the gym after work so she can go too. I prefer the treadmill because my pace is really inconsistent otherwise. My first day doing that was yesterday.  This morning I still got up early and did a few minutes of yoga.  Only 7 minutes, but I'm working into it. I was able to spend most of the morning researching timeline events surrounding Castiel's stint in the psych ward with Meg taking care of him.  Yesterday, I went right after work and then took a shower when I got home. If I do these things right after work, it tends to go better.  I'm hoping this routine will make it easier to shower more regularly.  TMI, sorry. I am presentable, I'd just like to take better care of myself.  And since I managed to walk for over 30 days straight before messing it up, I know that I can do it.  I will be taking several days off work near the middle of the  month, though, so I need to figure out what I will do then. 
    Wed, July 31  treadmill after work 50 minutes, 2.62 miles, 3.5mph, hr 151-156 for 30+ minutes
    Thur Aug 1  treadmill after work 40 minutes total, 1.93 miles, 3.2mph, hr 131-135 for 20+ minutes
    Fri Aug 2  treadmill after work 40 minutes total, 1.93+ miles (interrupted) 3.4mph, hr 140-144 for 20+ minutes
    Sat Aug 3  treadmill in the evening 50 minutes total used 1.0 incline at 3.2mph for 1.81miles, hr 140-144 for 30+ minutes
    Sun Aug 4  rest day
    Mon Aug 5  .8 miles/14 minutes, hr 136 after ten minutes
    Tue Aug 6  .29miles/5 minutes - today is my long day at work and I won't get home until after 700pm, so I'm not sure if I'll get out anymore today
    hr=heartrate as measured by treadmill
    8-5: using the incline seemed to actually help me somehow. My heartrate didn't go up as much as I thought it would.
    including screenshots of an online target heartrate calculator I found. I'm doing better than I thought. I thought maybe I was getting about 50% of my maximum heart rate, but it's actually up around 80%. 


     

     

     
     
  14. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Sigil magic   
    I dabble.
    “Chaos magic “. I am not entirely sure do I believe any of it (probably not) but that is beside the point, apparently. Perhaps chaos magic is just glorified mindfulness. Haha.
    Thing is, I found a piece of paper with a scribbling on it. Something that looked like an ancient Irish “triskele”. Then I remembered I had drawn it, according to my “wish”, or spell if you will, into the Universe, a few months ago. Funny thing though, I don’t really remember what it was I wished. 
    Now, according to chaos magic (the whole point is to go with your gut, there is no right or wrong, no ritual you have to adhere to) it’s part of the process to “forget” what it is you want to happen. The point is you focus your intent into the formation of the sigil and then when you do the “spell” part. But it is not obligatory or even necessary to focus on your precise wish. 
    Well I got that part right. Hahaha.  
    I completed the spell though, just today. And since then I have felt ... 
    Beside myself? In a good(ish) way? I don’t know to be honest. I feel different.
    Once the “spell”, if you can even call it a spell, is completed, one should try and forget about it and leave it to the Universe  ( read: your subconscious) to sort out the details.
    I have done something similar in the past and then I nearly died of fright. But that was because I invoked..something. This time it was more about sorting my life out - I think.
    It will remain to be seen.
     
     
  15. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to RiverLight for a blog entry, Me and My Baby!   
    It was my husband's bday yesterday! I still am not totally used to calling him my hubby! LOL. It's been two months since we got married.... life has been grand between us! We're very very happy! Though we each have our work stress to manage and deal with. 
    Last night we had a really fun celebration for him at a fine restaurant in the city. And tonight we will celebrate more properly since it's Friday night and we don't have to think about work! 
    I miss him so much during the day when we're both working and I cannot wait to see him when I come home each night! I really love my husband!!! 

  16. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to RiverLight for a blog entry, Post Honeymoon ~ Reality of Work Life   
    I am coming down from an amazing wedding/honeymoon/vacation and it was a tough crash landing back to reality. Work? Really?? We were driven around by our three butlers at our resort all week, sipping on frozen mudslides and banana rum drinks, swimming in the warm ocean and pools and lapping it up in our soaking tub on the balcony overlooking palm trees and the calming ocean. You cannot beat luxury living, and that's what we had. Then back to the work grind. The last two weeks of work have been brutal. I am working from home tomorrow and we have a three-day long weekend ahead, thank God. We both want to win the lottery so we can quit working and live life for ourselves. Dream on. lol. Oh well. I am going for a new job at the moment and hope for a second interview. Let's hope!!! I am ready to pack my bags and move onto greater shores.
  17. Sad
    Natasha1 reacted to VictorianGoth for a blog entry, No One Cares?   
    I feel this all the time.
    I reach for solitude.
    Feel relief.
    Then grief.
    When no one reaches out. 
    But why should I when I sought solitude all along?
    When I want to be away from people.
    And want to be alone.
    Why condemn people for doing as I ask?
    Not that I deserve anyone's love.
    Or care.
    I'm a bad friend anyways. 
    But no one understands me. 
    and I wish I had someone to talk to that could.
     
     
  18. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to My empire of dirt for a blog entry, I hope......   
    i'm getting better and that i am on my way to seeing the light and that there is hope out there. I hope i have finally accepted my fate in life and that what will happen is god's will. I hope my rage and anger for those who wronged me is now over. Finally i hope i can live even if it is for a short time and have piece in my mind and soul.
  19. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to RiverLight for a blog entry, Gratitude and Silver Linings ~   
    I am so very grateful for all that I DO have, including my fiance, who is the most wonderful man I have ever known. In the face of adversity, I am trying to see the silver linings, and there are many.

    Now that I have been partially laid off, I can job search in the open and have the time now to do it off the clock. I can apply for unemployment benefits, which will help bolster us financially. My fiance starts work on Monday (officially), which we have been waiting on for a month now. We realized, or he realized, that had we moved into our new apartment and I got laid off, we would have been royally screwed. So we're both glad that this happened before we moved into a place we now cannot afford. And, we have each other to lean on. Had this happened while we were living apart and I was still living with my parents, I probably would have become depressed, feeling so alone with all my thoughts. I also probably wouldn't have been able to afford trips to see him anymore. We may have even needed to break up, due to the long distance. So, there is much to be thankful for, even when things may seem more bleak.

    My happiness FB page and the articles I am writing to help others are actually helping me, too. I help people to be happier in life, and myself, too. So there's a win-win there. Funny how that works, but it truly does help me to remain positive, even when the chips are down. I didn't realize that it would help me as well when I first started this endeavor. Also funny how I didn't even really have a plan when I first started. One day I just randomly decided - I am going to start a happiness blog! And there it began. Now I have 35 articles written and a growing audience. It's phenomenal. So, I am grateful for this endeavor, too. Now, if only I could start making money from it, and figure out how to put ads up on my blog. I am no web developer, so that part is tricky for me, all on my own. Maybe one day I will figure this out.

    My mom told me it's good that my fiance and I have each other, and I agree. She doesn't want me to move back home again. Honestly, it was time for me to leave. Even though it was unplanned and unexpected, it is most welcomed. It feels great to be on my own again, and now I have someone to keep me company and to lean on. I am grateful he is here with me.

    So, there it is - gratitude and silver linings!



     




     




     
  20. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Death of an acquaintance   
    Someone I know committed suicide this afternoon.
    I only barely knew him.  I saw him regularly when he came to my workplace as a customer. 
    He was a familiar fixture in my workplace. 
    Cranky, ornery, grumbling old man in his 70's. 
    But that cranky old man shared his monthly food box with us.....
    and donated many popular items we have available for customers to use...
    It might surprise some people in our community to know that he will be missed here. 

    It always makes me pause, when I learn someone in my community has committed suicide.
    To me, it almost feels like I've lost a fellow soldier in the fight. 
    Another soul lost in the battle against the darkness.
    Another light snuffed out by despair and hopelessness.
    I feel like all I can do is remember, and keep fighting.
     
     
  21. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to irah007 for a blog entry, Suck   
    Today kinda suck. I keep thinking how lousy I am and how I can't ever catch up to them and Monday is gonna be another torture. Guess I should stop thinking about how lousy today is, stop hating myself, get over it, and do what I CAN do to make my life better right now.
    My affirmations: I am happy. I am healthy. I am wealthy. I am secure. I am worthy. I am positive. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am beautiful. I am courageous. I am confident. I am excited. 
    Best part of the day is my two lovely colleagues who have tried to help me through even in their own small ways. 
  22. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to cheshire_chick for a blog entry, My Friend, Insomnia   
    I struggle with dysthymia (starting around age 11 or so), and many other things including BPD and severe depression. But long story short; I started taking sleeping pills when I was 13. I got hooked on them for years. I ended up stopping that and self medicated with a green herb of sorts (yay censorship...) throughout college. And even now, when I have prescribed medications from a doctor - the night still holds me tightly. My medications work for sleep - I can usually fall asleep within an hour, and they keep me down and out for the count... but it's not the same feeling as real, natural sleep. It's all a self inflicted mini coma...
    I've been friends with the night since I was a kid. And I'm sitting here now at 2:30am with markers strewn across the floor, damned if I won't commit myself to another spur of the moment creation because the cast on my arm is in the way... I have my pills here, too. A flavorful combination of tricks and splendid masked despondence. I could take them, probably fall into the dream world around 4am or so. But to what avail? I do not care for it. I wake up, and I wait some more. Wait for the cast to be off. Wait for time to take me away from this place. Wait for a doctor, and a psychiatrist, and another doctor, and a specialist; appointment, breakdown, crash, appointment, pills, sleep, drink, binge... rinse... repeat.
    So I'm not taking them. Not quite yet. I'm comfortable right now, at least not panicking or sobbing or tearing my skin apart just for the sake of feeling it...
    And the more I sit here and look at the dim candle light, the glow of the TV, the subtle whispers of the moon coming into my window - I realize it has always been this way. Even when I was 13. My mind is alive. I can think clearly - no one is bothering me, no calls, no texts. No faking anything. I am my own company and I am free. I have so many thoughts, ideas, questions, and artistic visualizations. I feel I could sit here and draw for hours if it wasn't all, in the end, completely useless...
    So I pose the question; do we not sleep because we are mentally ill?
    Or are some of us mentally ill, because we do not sleep? How many of us are just twisted and contorted shells of what we may have been naturally, had we not had to cohere to the standards and expectations that exist in this day and age? Work your 9-5, punch your card, eat your dinner, go to sleep, rinse... repeat...
    I think we're all mad, here.
  23. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to SpiralingMind for a blog entry, Rich inner world   
    I found this image online, and I could really relate.  @20YearsandCounting, I think you might understand, too.
     
  24. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to WordsInTheWind for a blog entry, Sinking   
    It's pulling me in every day - little by little,
    I'm more than done for.
    There's a solemn satisfaction in this loneliness,
    Grasping at my core.
    I can't wait for the sweet release,
    When death comes knocking at my door.
    To give in would be the easiest thing I've ever done,
    Who could ask for more?
     
    I'm more than done for.
     
  25. Like
    Natasha1 reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Some Days Are Better Than Others...   
    Yeah, it's been one of those days.... The fact that Monday is still to come just really... s*u*c*k*s.
                           
     
              
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