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Everything posted by Natasha1

  1. Thats okay just yell My silent screaming inside, I will never tell
  2. Here i go again Restrict, over-exercise Never will you care
  3. I am experiencing anxiety for so many different levels. I should count them. They all effect each other in a vicious cycle, the second stage being that i have to wait for an answer from an organization. And either answer affects every other stage of possibilities. Corona itself is level one of the diagram. Then there is a possibility that the other org closes its doors which it hasnt. Im involved with them and its a petri dish there. But is affected on multiple levels as well. Then there are my decisions once i get the yay or nay. All of this is separate from if food supply is an issue or not. Im about to lose it.
  4. On my mind...... The heart event monitor i returned to the hospital today. How it will show nothing even though my previous symptoms were actually pretty scary. Maybe its the eating disorder finally talking. But others wont hear it. Well, i hear it. Im taking notice after all these years. On my mind... How i recorded an event on it and documented it in the middle of the night and i cant remember it at all. It makes no sense as a different pencil was used and the time written would have been before the two previous entries that i DO remember clearly. On my mind... Nice intro to the upcoming sleep study i guess. And how nothing will come of that either. Just like the last time. I guess ill carry on with getting up at 1 00 am for the day, or the rare times im able to sleep again at 3 only to awaken at 5. Oh, and the apparent new thing, sleepwalking. Great.
  5. Yes, paranoia Will get the better of me Yes, better for you
  6. The tricks of the trade Abandonment; isn't new Just like ev'ryone Not original Good student of the masters Always taught so well That's what dreams are for Daydreams, nightly Fantasies They will never leave
  7. Nothing can be done except to turn back time. Its fine kinda. I have to accept it.
  8. Ive done some terrible things. I am a horrible person. Thank you all for your help and support.
  9. I am on the couch It's not me who should sleep here But now i can dream And you can't stop me And he cant stop me either I can dream fake love
  10. A heart monitor Count and watch, to rule things out No need, It's broken
  11. Wondered why I dream His treatment: verbal abuse And now i know why
  12. I am sorry to everyone on DF. I am failing you all, as a person as a friend as a support and as an admin. I haven't been here much. Its all take take take lately. Its been going on for a long time. I havent been doing any admin stuff and leaving our only other admin/mod to do everything. My heart hasnt been in it and it doesnt seem to be getting better. And yet i dont want to step down. Maybe i will be demoted because of this eventually, i dont know. I am just not here while i am.
  13. This is something that happened. I wrote some notes so that i could write something when i was ready. But i couldnt wait and i wrote this just now, spilling out my thoughts and feelings as they are right now without looking at the notes i wrote this morning. I will write the more in depth piece but this is where it is at right now. Sort of the base i guess. I Dreamed Of You I've always dreamed. And last night it was perfect. How can i dream of you when i have my own life and family? Why did I dream of you? At least they werent in existence there. That would be complicated, confusing and hurtful. You were aloof. Then you wrote. Seven pages. You looked at me from across the room and i closed them even though they were loose pages. I have no idea what they said, even now as I am awake. And then the perfection began to weave and connect. Stitch by stich. Little by little. Moment by moment. You didnt trust me and that was expected. But the wall came down. And we walked. We spoke, but not by mouth. We could read each other's minds; not with word. We read our faces. Read our story as it unfolded right there. The touch was home. It was right. It was warm. It was electric. It was everything and nothing. It was supposed to happen. It was nice. And there is a longing but it can't happen. Yet, I am somehow in the right place right now when I am awake. So tell me: Is it because this is meant for our next life? Was here and now supposed to happen now to prepare us for that? Or was it just too early, yet we were drawn to each other? Are we living now? Is it only you who is? And in the end, do you actually hate me? Did you ever? Are we living now? Or am i sleeping and in my dreams am I truly awake?
  14. A dream i had last night. It was beautiful and you were there.
  15. Its all good. Fat was the 3rd thing and yes is an issue, but i was vague. I should have explained further that no matter what i wear it looks awful on me. Thank you so much for supporting me though. I didnt mean to come across as hard. I do that sometimes.
  16. @TrytoFly Thanks...but... The mall has my sizes. Getting a size isnt the issue. Online/catalogues/stores/malls, it doesnt matter where it comes from. Size will fit but it looks like s***. Ha that rhymes. Im also most concerned with the big never which is achieving what i had set out to do. Im getting old now and its too late. Even in my youth, if id known some of these other inspirations, i wasnt good enough anyway.
  17. I love you all. Thank you. @womanofthelight we share some similarities from our pasts.
  18. How dare you be so respectful? So selfish? I have been given this treatment my whole life. Im no spring chicken either! Parents, my husband, teachers, co-workers, bosses, siblings, friends adjudicators. And now YOU? Oh i know. You have it so tough dont you?no one else does do they? Oh and the real pisser...he always defends you. "Im so sick right now and i feel so terrible," you yell. Uh huh. So terrible that you are able to muster up the energy to yell at me like that. Oh and i could hear you giggling in the other room by the way. Yeah you feel terrible enough to giggle at whatever you were doing. Not feeling well my ass. We will see how well you feel once i get disgnosed and my lovely little prognosis sinks in. How terrible will you feel then? Hmmm?
  19. It will NEVER happen. Today i was reminded of how old i am. Actually, yesterday too. Yesterday, i was in the mall and realized that i could never buy new clothes now ,(not that i have any money for it) because 1. The stores cater to younger folk snd im too old 2. The other stores cater to old ladies and im too young and 3. Im too fat. I shed some tears. Today, working with some younger people, some were really young, others are getting ready to embark on their journey of adult life. I am so jealous. Im jeslous of what they can do. What they can do. Realizing that i cant. It has been proven to me over and over sgsin sndbi even have recorded proof. It mostly comes down to me being old. And i will never be who i set out to be. Today it became so real. I can finally see what it all really is. And the meaning of my life is failure. I experienced so much anxiety today. My head is killing me. And i will NEVER be enough.
  20. There is a warning for this effect with this med. I am on it and told to report asap! As sober4life said, this can be very serious. Usually the gradual increase works but not always. See your doc as soon as you can
  21. Oh my God. He was so good to me. He would check in on me with kind words and encouragement out of the blue. Thats how i knew him. Through messages like that. Such a good person. Im so sad right now.
  22. My choice in self harm methods makes so much sense now.
  23. Trapped. I dont want to be involved anymore.
  24. 30 years. I had a little bit of a break from it in the past 10, more on/off (if you can call it that). Im a pro too, except its been harder to do now that im getting older and makes me feel its just one more thing to fail at. But when i plan to this extent it tends to get more serious. Hoping i can get through this and you too @sober4life
  25. Natasha1

    stupid is as stupid does

    You're not stupid
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