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Natasha1

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Everything posted by Natasha1

  1. How dare you be so respectful? So selfish? I have been given this treatment my whole life. Im no spring chicken either! Parents, my husband, teachers, co-workers, bosses, siblings, friends adjudicators. And now YOU? Oh i know. You have it so tough dont you?no one else does do they? Oh and the real pisser...he always defends you. "Im so sick right now and i feel so terrible," you yell. Uh huh. So terrible that you are able to muster up the energy to yell at me like that. Oh and i could hear you giggling in the other room by the way. Yeah you feel terrible enough to giggle at whatever you were doing. Not feeling well my ass. We will see how well you feel once i get disgnosed and my lovely little prognosis sinks in. How terrible will you feel then? Hmmm?
  2. It will NEVER happen. Today i was reminded of how old i am. Actually, yesterday too. Yesterday, i was in the mall and realized that i could never buy new clothes now ,(not that i have any money for it) because 1. The stores cater to younger folk snd im too old 2. The other stores cater to old ladies and im too young and 3. Im too fat. I shed some tears. Today, working with some younger people, some were really young, others are getting ready to embark on their journey of adult life. I am so jealous. Im jeslous of what they can do. What they can do. Realizing that i cant. It has been proven to me over and over sgsin sndbi even have recorded proof. It mostly comes down to me being old. And i will never be who i set out to be. Today it became so real. I can finally see what it all really is. And the meaning of my life is failure. I experienced so much anxiety today. My head is killing me. And i will NEVER be enough.
  3. There is a warning for this effect with this med. I am on it and told to report asap! As sober4life said, this can be very serious. Usually the gradual increase works but not always. See your doc as soon as you can
  4. Natasha1

    I hate you

    Im ok @RiverLight
  5. Oh my God. He was so good to me. He would check in on me with kind words and encouragement out of the blue. Thats how i knew him. Through messages like that. Such a good person. Im so sad right now.
  6. EXACTLY! @JD4010 thats totally what i go through. Or i am ignored. Or im given a response that totally goes off the topic i brought up. or the response shows they arent really listening (or they are too dense to get what i am saying,).
  7. My choice in self harm methods makes so much sense now.
  8. Natasha1

    You Got Me

    Im ready. You will finally get what you want. I can finally be meek. Submissive. You can rub the fact that you are the bread winner and i make so little and dont contribute financially in my nose as much as you want. Like a dog learning not to s hit in the house. Rub my face in it too. Im a dog. Because, lets face it. You are in control. When i made more than you many years ago i NEVER EVER tried to remind you constantly. There is obviously something wrong with me. Everyone shows me this constantly. Im 46 and i finally have learned this. Parents, friends, teachers, co-workers, bosses , medical officials, complete strangers, people online, you, and now of course our daughter has learned from you that its ok. Im surprised you dont hit me. My parents did. F uck my dad outright gave me the strap. He would chase me to my room snd cornet me on the other side of the room so i could scream in terror. My mother would slap me. Spank me with wooden spoons. Whatever was handy for our location. Skinny wood meant for fencing. Then there was the passive aggressive crap. The punishment through restriction of things that they were going to give me. You do some of that (withholding and verbal crap). Put me out of my misery. Just kill me. Youll be happy. Everyone will be.
  9. Trapped. I dont want to be involved anymore.
  10. 30 years. I had a little bit of a break from it in the past 10, more on/off (if you can call it that). Im a pro too, except its been harder to do now that im getting older and makes me feel its just one more thing to fail at. But when i plan to this extent it tends to get more serious. Hoping i can get through this and you too @sober4life
  11. Natasha1

    stupid is as stupid does

    You're not stupid
  12. Natasha1

    I hate you

    You finally pushed me over the edge. Never thought i would get this far. You finally did it. I officially hate you. I dont give a flying f that your job is stressful and lives are at stake. It doesnt give you the right to treat me like s hit or invalidate me by being an elitist in the stress and feelings department. Oh you want to go there? How many diagnoses do you have? I can go there if you like. Oh thats right. Im ungrateful. I forgot that i actually am a piece of s hit so thats why you treat me like that. Not allowed to fear, stress or feel. I am nothing. I hate you
  13. I am really struggling. My husband is at it again. And all i can think about are my imperfections, inferiority snd jow everything i say and do is wrong. My brain automatically turns to restricting. And i plan it out to be perfect. I cant go back there. I just cant. Im supposed to start dbt again in february for my borderline and all i can think about with that is lying about not engaging in my target behaviours on my diary cards and group check ins. I cant stop the thoughts and im so scared im going to start again and not be able to stop this time.
  14. Im always the last bozo to get the bloody memos.
  15. Uniformity...What Is That? No one is on the same page. Sometimes i think its a different book. Or even a whole different genre. I'm in the green section trying to figure out a text book in school, or a procedures manual in a corporate setting Both written in black and white, but only grey is practiced, the reading audience is all doing their own thing, authoring a new product. No wonder im failing every exam and performance review.
  16. No one is on the same page. Sometimes i think its a different book. Or even a whole different genre. I'm in the green section trying to figure out a text book in school, or a procedures manual in a corporate setting Both written in black and white, but only grey is practiced, the reading audience is all doing their own thing, authoring a new product. No wonder im failing every exam and performance review.
  17. No idea why i have such hopes for 2020. Is it because 2019 kinda sucked?
  18. I know its not funny but the way you write...makes me chuckle when you make comments about it being as fun as it sounds. I hope it'll be ok soon
  19. Cooking A Novel The end is near. There's nothing to fear The final chapter draws to a close Its just a matter of how the plot goes. Thickening as i type Your mess needs a wipe Instead stir it, stir away You dont listen to what I say. The pot is hot. And it burns as it cooks. You eat with your fingers Not caring how it looks Because you enjoy to eat What was me, the meat No worries of rot As my spirit was caught You expect worship and laud Thinking you're God Realitycheck: you're sick And you're really a dick Ignorance is bliss And you won't be missed For the others they know That you sing like a crow So stir that pot And keep writing the plot Just know one thing: MY EPILOGUE WILL SING!
  20. Cooking A Novel The end is near. There's nothing to fear The final chapter draws to a close Its just a matter Of how the plot goes. Thickening as i type Your mess needs a wipe Instead stir it, stir away You dont listen to what I say. The pot is hot. And it burns as it cooks. You eat with your fingers Not caring how it looks Because you enjoy to eat What was me, the meat No worries of rot As my spirit was caught You expect worship and laud Thinking you're God Realitycheck: you're sick And you're really a dick Ignorance is bliss And you won't be missed For the others they know That you sing like a crow So stir that pot And keep writing the plot Just know one thing: MY EPILOGUE WILL SING!
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