Natasha1

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"Whats wrong?" "Nothing" "Ok then" Really, if you need to ask then you are fucking stupid.

Thing is i was so hurt. My face was burning and my eyes welled up. Anxiety attack started up. I shed some tears. Then bummed the rest of the day.im still hurt. No 3rd party without raising a ruckus or involving people that it wouldnt be fair to. This is a stupid thing. Its usually much worse.

I shouldnt care, right? I dont know what it was that i supposedly did. I know i drive people away through my behaviour. But this case i did nothing to these people. And i was so supportive to them and their kid. Honestly, what did i do? It will drive me crazy. For the rest of my life. Its one thing to know why, but being in the dark makes me obsess. If i were "normal" i probably wouldnt be creative but the pain i go through...i always wonder if i would be better off that way.

Fear. Its contagious. I wasnt that worried. For a while. Here and there i would get a little bit nervous with my thoughts of what if. But always able to get past it easily. Just picked up a few extra things here and there. We figured there was going to be some hoarding so why not have a few things right? Last week i went to Costco because all of a sudden, the stories started to grow and i thought maybe we should actually stock up. Because it was the first day where we were planning to distance ourselves. When i arrived, the 12 tills were obviously full, the pier at the edge of a huge sea of tp mountained carts and heads. People at least had the good sense to leave their kids at home. Hysteria brings common sense in for some i guess. The sea lineup wasnt even the worst of it. The sea is fed by two streams on the two sides normally (on such busy days like Victoria Day weekend or the week before Christmas). Those two streams go all the way to the back of the warehouse. (Meat and produce departments). For those of you who have never been inside a Costco, they are HUGE (at least huge is the only size i have seen them come in). So, the sea didnt surprise me, the streams, also not so much as i have seen that same old shit before. What DID surprise me is the granola bar shelves were broken apart in the middle and there was a third stream feeding the sea which also went back to the meat department. Well, i sighed as i knew what i was getting myself into before i even got to the parking lot, before i got an actual parking spot. Wtf am i rhyming or something?? Anyway, we were pretty much fine for supplies but not sure how long we would need to be. So i stocked up. On everything. Two or more of everything. Shampoo, conditioner, soap, food, canesten. Yes, canesten. There may be a huge change to how the world turns, but yeast knows nothing of the world, does it? It just knows to grow and spread. I was remaining calm. Breathing. Mumbling to myself. Joking with other people with how we all are crazy. And hands shaking. Literally shaking. I was having an anxiety attack. But ive never had physical symptoms like that before. Not visible to others, anyway. I could barely push my cart. It was so heavy. And now that feeling was spreading throughout my body. I survived it. I knew i would. My husband, through text, kept telling me its ok. We will get through this. It helped. But it seems like in the big picture it will take a long time. This isnt just going to stop in 2 to 4 weeks. Lets be real here. They want us to slow it down. But it isnt going to stop. Im losing clients as i type this as there are layoffs galore and we havent even been hit all that badly. We really havent. Yet. Over time, as you see the shelves change...see them dwindle, (tp was first thing, only god knows why, im still baffled)...then shelves start to empty...then theres no meat. At all. Nothing. So now i am really starting to fear the future. Now i worry because the fear is more contagious than covid is. And this early, with so few cases in my country, with people losing their shit this badly this soon...i am what iffing again. If supplies turn into a problem because hoarders cant stop then people will get desperate when they have an actual need. And thats where im feeling the need to have a gun in the house. What if What if What if What if we are in that position, or people try to steal our supplies to sell...we will need protection. And i have NEVER EVER felt that need in the past. Covid, fear, hysteria...it all spreads and if any of those were yeast, all the Canesten in the world wont ever stop them.

Crap really?? Ill have to look into that

"...If a virus has lined him up..." good grief girl, the way you write, the things you say, the wit, the charm, everything!!! You are gifted. Everytime a notification comes for your blog posts i am ON IT!

I think most do. Its rare for our age groups

@samadhiSheol my husband said he found they are working on a vaccine and human trials are starting. Of course if it is effective it will take a while to make it for the masses...

Doesnt it have to do with how it spreads though? If everyone gets sick at the same time its trouble. Hospital staff cant deal with that and as nentioned above thrre wont be enough beds. Then hospotal staff will get run down, making it harder for them. Plus, they are more at risk. Those masks dont do anything for this. The regular flu doesnt spread as fast does it and onset is more obvious?? Im not up on facts but putting that out there. Im trying to not "know too much." I returned a heart event monitor to the hospital a few days ago. I have symptoms. I put it in a ziploc and wrote "i have symptoms" on it with a sharpie. Then, instead of leaving it in the bin as i was supposed to, i waited in line to make sure someone wore gloves. The girl went to check as she didnt know if they did. She thanked me and said i was thoughtful. Someone else came out with gloves on to collect it. She thanked me very appreciatively. If hospital staff are acting that way then that tells me something. They either know something or are seeing it. My husband and i have also talked about how we think theres something that "they" arent telling us. *shrug*

Never ever would i give them. But ive got quite a few and i so wish i could talk about them here. I am sinking, being swallowed by the curling, crashing arch. I dont know what else to do.

Thats okay just yell My silent screaming inside, I will never tell

Here i go again Restrict, over-exercise Never will you care

I am experiencing anxiety for so many different levels. I should count them. They all effect each other in a vicious cycle, the second stage being that i have to wait for an answer from an organization. And either answer affects every other stage of possibilities. Corona itself is level one of the diagram. Then there is a possibility that the other org closes its doors which it hasnt. Im involved with them and its a petri dish there. But is affected on multiple levels as well. Then there are my decisions once i get the yay or nay. All of this is separate from if food supply is an issue or not. Im about to lose it.

On my mind...... The heart event monitor i returned to the hospital today. How it will show nothing even though my previous symptoms were actually pretty scary. Maybe its the eating disorder finally talking. But others wont hear it. Well, i hear it. Im taking notice after all these years. On my mind... How i recorded an event on it and documented it in the middle of the night and i cant remember it at all. It makes no sense as a different pencil was used and the time written would have been before the two previous entries that i DO remember clearly. On my mind... Nice intro to the upcoming sleep study i guess. And how nothing will come of that either. Just like the last time. I guess ill carry on with getting up at 1 00 am for the day, or the rare times im able to sleep again at 3 only to awaken at 5. Oh, and the apparent new thing, sleepwalking. Great.