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ocarina

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Everything posted by ocarina

  1. So this is a really old thread, but I'm feeling a little weird tonight because I just got a new (used) car. I cried reading the posts in this thread. I've been in graduate school for almost 4 years and in May I will be leaving the program. (I will start a thread about that later, most likely.) When I came to school my dad gave me his old Chevrolet Caprice. A huge landyacht it is... was... but a luxurious one: leather interior, all the bells and whistles of its time. It's been the *only* constant in my life here in graduate school. However, the Chevy was 17 years old. She ran fine but I knew it was time for her to go. She'd had brake troubles and just generally wasn't as reliable. So today I traded her in (didn't get much, but wasn't expecting much) and got a Ford Fusion. I loved the Fusion from the minute I test drove it. But... the Caprice was really, truly my only constant these last 4 years, and I've had such a tumultuous time and been through my most severe depression ever, with that car. I talked with her lots and cried in her too. I feel like I am putting down a pet, as others have said. And I feel guilty for being excited about my Fusion, like it's disloyal to the Caprice. Sigh...
  2. I wanted to come back and update this thread because it might help someone else to know the eventual outcome of my journey. (Well, the outcome up till now anyway.) For reference, I am on 2.5 mg/day of Lexapro, still. I have not increased it. I've dispensed with the fish oil but still take L-tyrosine (which I believe does help a lot with motivation) and sometimes use a light box. I feel... good. Most of the time. I'm dealing with a lot of stress right now - I mean a lot has been going on in the last 6 months and things are coming to a head - and sometimes it gets to me hard, and makes me cry or makes me want to sleep all day, but I do not think it is a return of the depression. I tried an even lower dose of Lex (1.25 mg/day) but started to feel very weepy and edgy. So I think 2.5 is right for me. For the most part, I have my brain back. I no longer feel the terrible, terrible fatigue and slow-wittedness that was getting me when I was on 10 and even 5 mg of Lex. I have feelings again, and yes some are bad feelings, but they pass. I have motivation and an attention span again. I basically feel like me again. At first, that was terrifying. For a month or two after decreasing from 5 to 2.5 mg, I went around grinning ear to ear, practically in tears, or bursting with anger over things long in the past, because I hadn't been able to feel emotions at the time they happened. This settled down. I could not believe the (positive) change that happened when I decreased my dosage. My doctor had been against this. I had been in contact with her every step of the way, and she firmly believed that 2.5 mg was useless, but eventually I said I would just try it, and keep her posted. I wish I could say she 100% believes me now, that 2.5 mg can be right for some people. She doesn't deny the positive changes in me, since she can see for herself, but I think she is still very skeptical. Oh well. So, 2.5 mg of Lexapro is right for me. For now.
  3. Tired, but in a fairly content mood the last few days. Not motivated though. :P
  4. Felt okay yesterday (the 17th) and felt fantastic today! Woke up feeling alert, energized and motivated. I got a lot done today :) Oh well, tomorrow morning I have a meeting with my advisor which is sure to take the wind out of my sails...
  5. Stayed late at school last night, at school again today. Not good mood, feel like crying. But must work. Hate grad school.
  6. Okay today too, had a counseling appt., which helped.
  7. Okay today. Not great. But okay. I feel like the darkness is lurking underneath a veneer of sanity, but that's okay, I can function like this.
  8. A little better today. Not great.
  9. Not feeling good. I was okay until yesterday late afternoon, when my mood started to seriously decline for no reason. I cried a lot and had to take a small Klonopin dose to sleep. The mood has continued today and I don't know why. It's been a long, long time since I felt THIS bad, and it scares me. It seemed to have come out of nowhere. I guess I need more healthy food, sleep, and exercise? I have definitely been neglecting those things.
  10. Okay today and yesterday but tired, not been sleeping well. Just not going to bed early enough.
  11. Didn't "work out" on my elliptical this weekend, but went for a long walk today (gorgeous weather here! beautiful sunshine). Feeling okay but unmotivated to do homework, because it feels like summer and I just want to play outside :P
  12. Been exercising and taking my tyrosine regularly, and I feel good today (and that's no joke)!
  13. It definitely helps me, if only I were more athetically inclined (I'm not one of those people who just loves to exercise; I always have to make myself do it!)
  14. Exercised last night and felt better after I did. Hope to keep that up!
  15. Took the weekend off and did no school work. I needed that. But I still feel cognitively slow and sluggish and drained. I think I need some exercise :\
  16. A little better today, slightly less exhausted/burned out. Continuing to get back on track with the tyrosine.
  17. I remembered my L-tyrosine this morning and at lunch and I think it helped! Placebo or effect or no, I don't care - I feel more awake and motivated today and I'll take it! :)
  18. Somehow I made it through the long weekend of research - it actually went well for the first time - but am now exhausted. Haven't been able to work much for the last 3 days. I think I need to take my l-tyrosine again (been neglecting it) to replenish my dopamine.
  19. Have been feeling very tired and gray every single day. I'm totally burned out and that's not a good way to feel since my research trip starts tomorrow. I don't feel depressed, but I seriously need a break. In the last 6 weeks I've had exactly one day where I did no school work at all...
  20. Been doing okay. Very busy but generally work is going well so I'm happy, if rather tired :)
  21. Yesterday sucked but I gave my first full length lecture today. I was terrified but it went well :) and now I feel a little more energized/motivated.
  22. Caffeine does have that effect, but if I drink too much I get jittery and anxious. Also if I've been drinking a lot and regularly I develop a tolerance and then it doesn't have that peppy effect on me anymore. I think caffeine affects dopamine? so that might explain it.
  23. Thanks for the reply :) I'm doing a Ph.D. in the hard sciences. My advisor's recently cancelled his regular meetings with us because he's too busy. I emailed him over the weekend and asked him to look at my samples before the research trip (it's to use a specfic analytical method) and he never replied. I will ask him again but if he says no then I'm not sure what to do except at least I will have tried...
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