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About whatsleft

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    Ontario, Canada

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  1. Dear Hopelessly lost, I'm stunned by the parallels to my own life. [i joined the thread rather late... have been tied up with some time-consuming life infrastructure (car/money/stuff) challenges for several weeks, so have only been on the forum sporadically.] Anyway, I'm living alone as well (as I always have), I'm down to a few geographically-distant cousins, and parents and brother passed away. Suicide and depression (father, brother) run in the family, but (largely thanks to my late mother's powerful will to survive) I always press on regardless of paralyzing obstacles. She inspired me through the incredible life obstacles she survived, and I honor her life. Have endured anxiety and depression since I can remember, but that was further amplified by numerous circumstances over which I had little to no control. Friends throughout my life have been transient, largely due to the crises in my life that they couldn't understand or deal with. Quite recently a lengthy life-altering - very bad, actually tragic, esp. for a third party/friend who got unwittingly connected into it - interpersonal experience has spawned what I'm hoping will develop into a paradigm shift in how I will handle things, life and relationships/friendships going forward. It doesn't eliminate the depression nor the anxiety, but hope it will help in how I deal with it. I lost half a dozen or so 'friends' throughout that life-altering experience - were they actually ever friends?!! - but now have two new intelligent and understanding local acquaintances/friends who I can communicate meaningfully and honestly with, and the overall benefit is mutual. Unlike previous friends with whom I was doing all the 'pushing' to keep things alive, it's now equally push and pull, but in healthy moderation - i.e. not overwheming. As appears to be case in your situation, many of my predispositions were driven by family background, experiences and circumstances. I'm glad you shared in the forum. I hope you can find techniques and energy for personal fulfillment and greater happiness. I'd be happy to exchange any ideas. take care
  2. From what I'm hearing I think it's wrong to blame your "messed up brain" (your quote). I think it's normal and perhaps even good to push people away who you feel are making you feel unwanted. I understand the conundrum, i.e. that you feel so lonely without them. I've gone through many many of these types of 'friendships' and only have a very few core people left in my life. Friends (who actually turned out not to be friends) with whom I thought mutual benefits were possible, turned out to be disasters that not only ended, but ended badly without closure and/or bitterness. The only thing we can do is to move on and keep trying. Take care! I hope you can get some more feedback on this.
  3. sammidogan, your statement "But, possibly I might find closure or acceptance in the fact that at least I did everything I could instead of laying down to die" rings so true for my own situation which has some interesting parallels to yours. I need closure for peace and to get life back on course. I can't likely post for a few days - major time-consuming decisions and work that can't be postponed - but would would like to join back in the discussion either here or on messenger. I can't really relate my full story within the forum (yet at least), but am willing to share off-line. Take care, and hope to rejoin the discussion in a bit
  4. Thanks. This thread has provided me insight for an extremely difficult predicament/situation I faced for four years, then was ended unilaterally by her without dialog or any resolution or closure for me. She did not need closure - part of the cruel game she played with me and others. I obsess about it daily. I'm hoping time and distance will eventually heal, but never fully I think. Unresolved matters of this sort - in this case there were serious repercussions and collateral damage - leave me in the worst funk. lonesoul: your statement "It is a very deep need of human beings to feel like they can affect the world around them, and other people. If your expression sounds the least like an attack, the object of your communication will react with defensiveness. You will find that is extremely hard to change the mind of a person who is being defensive. You will thus likely fail to change their mind or alter their future behavior." is very insightful. I wrote a long letter that I thought through 6 long months before mailing it. Even then, I wasn't clear on whether or not I wanted a response - I think not - but I wanted in some way to affect her. I had no control over whether or not it would even be read. She knows she wronged me, but what is unclear is whether she did it deliberately or whether it's a pathological issue on her part. It's extremely difficult dealing in such matters with people who have mental health issues, even moreso if they are in denial. There is a part of me that seeks revenge for the wrongs done, but it's impossible to execute or confirm. What I would have preferred was to reach a mutual agreement of understanding (or even misunderstanding in this peculiar case), but she will not allow it. She broke all the rules and let the weight of all the consequences fall on me. you said "Life is too short to focus on people who are not worth spending a second of brain-power on." How true! Putting this into practice is the hard part, especially when the damage has been great. As I can't directly affect her behaviour, nor reach any mutual understanding, my sole goal is to reduce my own anger and obsessing about it, which are only harming me, not her. Journalling has helped a bit. I seek any other means available.
  5. This sounds like a page out of my day for the 5 years! I assume these are people you feel have wronged you, which is the case with me. Currently I have about six people in this category (and numerous in the past), with one truly the mother of them all, at the center of a 4-year unthinkably difficult situation (about I will post some day) brought on by difficulties she had but did not (nor ever will) disclose. Most of my depression and obsession are situation- and life-circumstance-based, even by my doctor's diagnosis, though there is a strong predisposition to anxiety, especially social anxiety. Anyway, a new partial remedy for the obsessing - though I admit it's been imperfect - has been to type my thoughts into my cellphone text editor that's available day and night for whenever raging thoughts occur. I used to write them on paper, but this created piles of notes everywhere that simply exacerbated the problem because I was staring at all these disorganized notes that only reminded me of the problems. The whole idea is to 'download' and compartmentalize the feelings - i.e. record them where you can get at them, but not necessarily see them constantly - while not having to continually obsess about them. This also somewhat reduces the amount I lean on my few remaining supportive friends concerning these situations. Just an idea that's working a bit for me. BTW I have actually written letters and mailed them, but I'm not sure I've felt too much better because it can't be confirmed the letter was read, nor what the effect was as there was predictably no response. take care - hope this might be of some help
  6. I so hate to be a spoiler here, but: Almost without exception, the moment a friendship - not 'relationship' - with a female (I'm male) gets to an active hug by her, it's the 'kiss of death'. I call it the 'goodbye hug syndrome'. It's the ultimate in mixed messages and frustration; And I never know where I stand until much later (if at all). It just happened again, and I can't get any idea where I stand, stuck in a not-in not-quite-out muddle/conundrum. hugs - bah-humbug!! comments welcome
  7. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  8. I'm sorry that the situation is as it is. Stay on this forum. There are lots of supportive people here. Perhaps you could get phone pals. Talking helps.
  9. Lui, It sounds like the story of my life at many times, and I just recently had a BIG crash like this. I strongly suggest you join local support groups where you can interact and will likely find people who are in similar situations. Also join special-interest groups (e.g. hobbies, activities), but there don't (at least initially) share your feelings - just enjoy the company. I have zero family within 1000mi, and generally unreliable (and not very meaningful) friends, but have recently met several people I hang out with who understand and share, but am not quite where I want to be either. That came through the groups I mentioned. I know it's not easy, but please don't isolate. There are good people out there also looking for company. wl
  10. I find hugs a delicate and sometimes awkward issue, depending on circumstances. To be valid, it has to feel mutual, and be desired by both parties. I used to hate hugs when I was young. It was a 'boundary' issue, and having social anxiety, it felt extremely uncomfortable, even embarrassing, esp. obligatory hugs from relatives for whom I had no particular feelings. Now (in my 'advanced' years) I love (mutual) hugs with women I feel a bond with. I'm a guy BTW. I tend to have more female friends than male, and, oddly, most women that I know have more male friends than female. The dilemma comes when it's not clear if one party of two does not want the hug. It has to be mutual, and I find it's often awkward determining whether or not that's the case. For me, there has to be emotional closeness to initiate the hug. A HUGE dilemma for me right now re hugging is wrt a very emotionally-close female friend who is - shall we say - not quite single. It's a loooong complex story - one I may well have to start a thread about - but suffice it to say that hugging may or may not be a boundary issue (for her). I could hug her no end when the two of us are alone together, but I fear I may damage the invaluable friendship. I've (awkwardly) broached the subject twice, but not gotten a clear response. Part of the difficulty is that the hug gains little, but may do irreparable damage. Because of the strong feelings I have for her, it feels like 'the slippery slope' (which, ostensibly, she doesn't want). My counsellor strongly advised against it, so, for now, that's my stance. My feeling is that if she is the hug initiator, it's safe for both of us. I realize that's a LOT of introspection on hugging, but the circumstances are quite unusual. Any feedback is welcome! wl
  11. A friend of mine is apparently getting up high in the 'ranks' of Scientology. He doesn't preach its doctrine to me because he knows I'm against it and rather replused by it. I think the organization preys on people's insecurities. Their street recruiting methods, and their electro-psychometer (E-meter) (just so much ignorant hokus pokus) add to my feelings about them. (Google 'e-meter scientology' "Please PM Member for Link") Hubbard's book "Dianetics" was, as far as I could tell, bafflegab. (But then I could probably say the same for the literature of many religions.) A disturbing point to me is that they appear to extract a lot of money from you, and there seems to be a great deal of secrecy surrounding the organization and its activities. My friend can't/won't divulge the purpose of the trips he gets sent on by them. Calling it a church/religion seems really 'over the top' to me - 'cult' might be more appropriate.
  12. Thanks Xephon She's not actually saying thing about me; it's a bit more complicated. I may try to form another mental attitude towards her as well. It was shock and dismay. I think I need to replace that with compassion. Although what she spoke of in the group was quite inappropriate and filled with lies, her problems are such that she can't seem to help herself and doesn't seem to realize the inappropriateness of her remarks and the folly of her behavior.
  13. Your issues with friends and relationships almost mirror mine (though I'm male). I have a few (of what I consider) meaningful friendships, but they're either 1) too geographically distant or 2) too unavailable or too busy or 3) married. The rest - the non-meaningful ones - are too stressful for me to be around for more than 2hr or so (due to their issues and/or non-commonalities). I've found a couple of (mainly phone) friends in local support groups, but there are various other limitations. Like you, I can't call the few supportive friends I have too often, as I feel I'll either wear them out or smother them. Work friendships never worked out well. I basically don't do 'relationships'. Having struggled with that several times, I'm happier having supportive/meaningful friends than one stressful or bad relationship (which usually chases the friends away anyway). Loneliness has become a way of life for me. The only way I've been able to partially sublimate that is to join many activity groups. They're people to be around at least, centered on activities of mutual interest, but not generally people I can call up individually for coffee or an outing. That being said, I still spend a huge percentage of my time alone. I need some alone time, but often it becomes overwhelming.
  14. Thanks for the input. I've concluded I'll need to just taper off my attendance for a while, so as to not make it too obvious I'm avoiding her. I have a feeling she may not come for too much longer. I think she may have even shocked herself at what she said at the last group. She left early, if that's any indication. I'm open to other suggestions.
  15. I agree, but 1) I don't feel I should be 'chased out' of a group I otherwise found very helpful and felt very comfortable in, and 2) all the other groups are at inconvenient times and/or very distant compared to this one.
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