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StillHope

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About StillHope

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    Ontario, Canada

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  1. I can totally relate, greeneyedgadgetgirl. It's been brutal since most everything I relied on for social interaction has been shuttered here, and there are only two friends I see infrequently while practising social distancing. Sunset walks on local nature trails have helped a bit. I occasionally run into other singles. It's often just "hi" and occasionally a brief chat, but it helps me realize I'm not the only one in this predicament. Also, this way I get some exercise during these difficult times.
  2. Just about at my wit's end with the pandemic lockdown. I'm trying to expand my desperately meagre social life but all tools with which to do that - community centres, clubs, libraries, coffee shops and organized activity groups etc. - are shuttered, with no indication when things will restart. All summer concerts, shows, fairs etc. are cancelled.. even all Great Lakes beaches are closed with yellow tape lines and police presence. What a dystopian mess!
  3. Ontario (Canada) is opening up a tad, but nothing that improves my current lockdown life much. My club activities (scrabble, ping pong and hiking) are all considered high-contact, and I'm wondering if they'll even come back this year. Quite depressing, as that's where I and many others get most of our mental and physical exercise and stimulation. Seniors, retirees, and many single people are taking the brunt of this in terms of isolation. Counseling services are on hold when they're needed most. Zoom sessions just don't cut it for anything but work-from-home. While I can understand the reasons for the lockdown, I fear there may be as many indirect deaths as deaths directly related to covid infection. Don't know what the solution is until a vaccine arrives, still an unproven possibility 😞
  4. Agreed that Birx always bombs, along with those who employ her. Though I'm in Canada, I stream US progressive talk radio. I don't always agree with everything, but most makes way more sense than what's coming from the 'other side'. I haven't watched TV for the past 6 months. It and radio are mind-numbing covid 24/7, so I flip over to streaming classical WQXR (NYC) and KING-FM (Seattle) to rest my weary soul. My depressing isolation is bad enough without a constant stream of virus information with no clear sign of hope yet. Kogent - It's good to hear Alberta hospitals aren't overwhelmed yet. I'm checking the local Ontario hospital, my doctor, and walk-in clinics tomorrow to see what options I have in the event of a medical crisis - not improbable at my age and with my various currently-noncritical conditions. So far I've had 4 medical examinations postponed indefinitely.
  5. Here in Ontario (Canada) they're talking of not lifting any restrictions until at least June. The only positive news so far is that the number of new cases per day appear to have decreased. I say "appear" because there isn't enough (if any) random testing. Without that, I can't see how they can provide believable statistics. Nevertheless, any decrease in new cases is attributed to the lockdown, with the incubation period being 14 days. Who knows where the numbers would go if all restrictions were lifted now. It would take more than 2 weeks to know. Personally, I think that the unintended consequences of the restrictions (much as I see the necessity for them at this time) may produce more casualties than the virus itself. Consider the postponement of elective medical procedures, plus patients with new problems coming into the system throughout this time. They're unlikely to receive adequate attention due the health care system being overwhelmed by covid. And that's just for starters. I'll try to post my further thoughts on that tomorrow.
  6. The glimmer of hope is that new cases per day appear to be declining. Keep in mind the 14-day incubation period, so any decreases seen now are probably due to social distancing implemented 2 weeks ago, or more. That being said, the stats are pretty unreliable without adequate testing. The nursing and seniors homes here (in Canada) are getting hit hard - both staff and residents.
  7. I can't imagine how that will be possible. People move around too much. I'm writing this in mid-April and I can't see the 'opening up' by region, especially by May. My feeling is that degrees of 'opening up' will be applied across a state (or better yet across the country). Statistics are very poor because of a lack of random testing. I'm writing from Canada. The situation isn't much better here, but I think the provinces will agree to a uniform policy of opening up across the country. I'm hearing June a lot here, but I think some restrictions will remain longer. A summer without summer activities would be a total bummer. Especially up here where our summers are way too short as it is!
  8. My counseling agency was shuttered about 4 weeks ago due to the covid situation. (Read on. I found a temporary solution.) How does it make any sense that counseling by phone would not have been offered as an option?! The most vulnerable among us are those most affected by this disaster! It turns out it wouldn't have made much difference in this case as my counselor (as usual) was an intern who would be let go in April. Every time I lose an intern I go back on the 3-month (or so) waiting list. It's completely frustrating. Solution: I called around to various distress lines. Most were quite useless, either using the cookie-cutter question/answer technique, limiting my time severely, not allowing me as I was out of their containment area, being busy, or simply not having any staff available when I needed them. Eventually I lucked out with one that is genuine, and I call them when I reach my lowest points. They're willing to help until this covid mess is resolved. So my best suggestion is to just try different distress lines in your area until you find one that works.
  9. Dear Hopelessly lost, I'm stunned by the parallels to my own life. [i joined the thread rather late... have been tied up with some time-consuming life infrastructure (car/money/stuff) challenges for several weeks, so have only been on the forum sporadically.] Anyway, I'm living alone as well (as I always have), I'm down to a few geographically-distant cousins, and parents and brother passed away. Suicide and depression (father, brother) run in the family, but (largely thanks to my late mother's powerful will to survive) I always press on regardless of paralyzing obstacles. She inspired me through the incredible life obstacles she survived, and I honor her life. Have endured anxiety and depression since I can remember, but that was further amplified by numerous circumstances over which I had little to no control. Friends throughout my life have been transient, largely due to the crises in my life that they couldn't understand or deal with. Quite recently a lengthy life-altering - very bad, actually tragic, esp. for a third party/friend who got unwittingly connected into it - interpersonal experience has spawned what I'm hoping will develop into a paradigm shift in how I will handle things, life and relationships/friendships going forward. It doesn't eliminate the depression nor the anxiety, but hope it will help in how I deal with it. I lost half a dozen or so 'friends' throughout that life-altering experience - were they actually ever friends?!! - but now have two new intelligent and understanding local acquaintances/friends who I can communicate meaningfully and honestly with, and the overall benefit is mutual. Unlike previous friends with whom I was doing all the 'pushing' to keep things alive, it's now equally push and pull, but in healthy moderation - i.e. not overwheming. As appears to be case in your situation, many of my predispositions were driven by family background, experiences and circumstances. I'm glad you shared in the forum. I hope you can find techniques and energy for personal fulfillment and greater happiness. I'd be happy to exchange any ideas. take care
  10. From what I'm hearing I think it's wrong to blame your "messed up brain" (your quote). I think it's normal and perhaps even good to push people away who you feel are making you feel unwanted. I understand the conundrum, i.e. that you feel so lonely without them. I've gone through many many of these types of 'friendships' and only have a very few core people left in my life. Friends (who actually turned out not to be friends) with whom I thought mutual benefits were possible, turned out to be disasters that not only ended, but ended badly without closure and/or bitterness. The only thing we can do is to move on and keep trying. Take care! I hope you can get some more feedback on this.
  11. sammidogan, your statement "But, possibly I might find closure or acceptance in the fact that at least I did everything I could instead of laying down to die" rings so true for my own situation which has some interesting parallels to yours. I need closure for peace and to get life back on course. I can't likely post for a few days - major time-consuming decisions and work that can't be postponed - but would would like to join back in the discussion either here or on messenger. I can't really relate my full story within the forum (yet at least), but am willing to share off-line. Take care, and hope to rejoin the discussion in a bit
  12. Thanks. This thread has provided me insight for an extremely difficult predicament/situation I faced for four years, then was ended unilaterally by her without dialog or any resolution or closure for me. She did not need closure - part of the cruel game she played with me and others. I obsess about it daily. I'm hoping time and distance will eventually heal, but never fully I think. Unresolved matters of this sort - in this case there were serious repercussions and collateral damage - leave me in the worst funk. lonesoul: your statement "It is a very deep need of human beings to feel like they can affect the world around them, and other people. If your expression sounds the least like an attack, the object of your communication will react with defensiveness. You will find that is extremely hard to change the mind of a person who is being defensive. You will thus likely fail to change their mind or alter their future behavior." is very insightful. I wrote a long letter that I thought through 6 long months before mailing it. Even then, I wasn't clear on whether or not I wanted a response - I think not - but I wanted in some way to affect her. I had no control over whether or not it would even be read. She knows she wronged me, but what is unclear is whether she did it deliberately or whether it's a pathological issue on her part. It's extremely difficult dealing in such matters with people who have mental health issues, even moreso if they are in denial. There is a part of me that seeks revenge for the wrongs done, but it's impossible to execute or confirm. What I would have preferred was to reach a mutual agreement of understanding (or even misunderstanding in this peculiar case), but she will not allow it. She broke all the rules and let the weight of all the consequences fall on me. you said "Life is too short to focus on people who are not worth spending a second of brain-power on." How true! Putting this into practice is the hard part, especially when the damage has been great. As I can't directly affect her behaviour, nor reach any mutual understanding, my sole goal is to reduce my own anger and obsessing about it, which are only harming me, not her. Journalling has helped a bit. I seek any other means available.
  13. This sounds like a page out of my day for the 5 years! I assume these are people you feel have wronged you, which is the case with me. Currently I have about six people in this category (and numerous in the past), with one truly the mother of them all, at the center of a 4-year unthinkably difficult situation (about I will post some day) brought on by difficulties she had but did not (nor ever will) disclose. Most of my depression and obsession are situation- and life-circumstance-based, even by my doctor's diagnosis, though there is a strong predisposition to anxiety, especially social anxiety. Anyway, a new partial remedy for the obsessing - though I admit it's been imperfect - has been to type my thoughts into my cellphone text editor that's available day and night for whenever raging thoughts occur. I used to write them on paper, but this created piles of notes everywhere that simply exacerbated the problem because I was staring at all these disorganized notes that only reminded me of the problems. The whole idea is to 'download' and compartmentalize the feelings - i.e. record them where you can get at them, but not necessarily see them constantly - while not having to continually obsess about them. This also somewhat reduces the amount I lean on my few remaining supportive friends concerning these situations. Just an idea that's working a bit for me. BTW I have actually written letters and mailed them, but I'm not sure I've felt too much better because it can't be confirmed the letter was read, nor what the effect was as there was predictably no response. take care - hope this might be of some help
  14. I so hate to be a spoiler here, but: Almost without exception, the moment a friendship - not 'relationship' - with a female (I'm male) gets to an active hug by her, it's the 'kiss of death'. I call it the 'goodbye hug syndrome'. It's the ultimate in mixed messages and frustration; And I never know where I stand until much later (if at all). It just happened again, and I can't get any idea where I stand, stuck in a not-in not-quite-out muddle/conundrum. hugs - bah-humbug!! comments welcome
  15. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

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