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  1. Memorial Day Memorial Day is a federal holiday in the United States for mourning the U.S. military personnel who have died while serving in the United States armed forces. It is observed on the last Monday of May. From 1868 to 1970 it was observed on May 30. Wikipedia Observed for: 154 years Observances: U.S. military personnel who died in service
  2. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) @ Good Therapy.com Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a comprehensive cognitive behavioral treatment. It aims to treat people who see little or no improvement with other therapy models. This treatment focuses on problem solving and acceptance-based strategies. It operates within a framework of dialectical methods. The term dialectical refers to the processes that bring opposite concepts together such as change and acceptance. Certified practitioners of DBT offer acceptance and support to people in therapy. Many of the people they work with have conditions described as "difficult to treat." They work to develop techniques for achieving goals, improving well-being, and effecting lasting positive change. WHAT IS DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOR THERAPY? Currently, DBT is used to treat people with chronic or severe mental health issues. Issues DBT treats include self-harm, eating and food issues, addiction, and posttraumatic stress, as well as borderline personality. DBT was originally designed to treat people who had chronic suicidal thoughts as a symptom of borderline personality. DBT can be used in a variety of mental health settings. It incorporates the following five components: Capability enhancement. DBT provides opportunities for the development of existing skills. In treatment, four basic skill sets are taught. These are emotion regulation, mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, and distress tolerance. Generalization. DBT therapists use various techniques to encourage the transfer of learned skills across all settings. People in therapy may learn to apply what they have learned at home, at school, at work, and in the community. For example, a therapist might ask the person in treatment to talk with a partner about a conflict. The person may use emotion regulation skills before and after the discussion. Motivational enhancement. DBT uses individualized behavioral treatment plans to reduce problematic behaviors that might negatively affect quality of life. For example, therapists might use self-monitoring tracking sheets so sessions can be adapted to address the most severe issues first. Capability and motivational enhancement of therapists. Because DBT is often provided to people who experience chronic, severe, and intense mental health issues, therapists receive a great deal of supervision and support to prevent things like vicarious traumatization or burnout. For example, treatment-team meetings are held frequently to give therapists a space to provide and receive support, training, and clinical guidance. Structuring of the environment. A goal of therapy is often to ensure positive, adaptive behaviors are reinforced across all environmental settings. For example, if someone participates in multiple treatment programs within one agency, the therapist might make sure each program was set up to reinforce all the positive skills and behaviors learned. The standard form of DBT consists of individual therapy, skills training group, phone coaching, and a therapist consultation team. Those in standard DBT attend therapy and a skills training group weekly. The groups are designed to help those in treatment develop behavioral skills through group work and homework assignments. These assignments allow people to practice learned skills in day-to-day life. Phone coaching is also an important part of DBT. It helps people in treatment reach out to their therapist for support when a challenging situation comes up between sessions. The issues faced by many who participate in DBT can be complex and severe. Due to this, a consultation team is considered essential for DBT providers. The team is made up of group leaders and individual therapists. It can offer support, motivation, and therapy to the therapists working with difficult issues. DEVELOPMENT AND HISTORY DBT was developed by Marsha Linehan in the 1970s. She developed DBT through her work with two mental health populations: people with chronic thoughts of suicide and people diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Linehan was intrigued by the building reputation of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). She decided to utilize standard CBT in her practice. Linehan and her colleagues experienced difficulties after conducting research relative to the effectiveness of CBT in her chosen population. They discovered three major problems with the application of standard CBT: Participants experienced the change-focused interventions as invalidating. These feelings often resulted in withdrawal from therapy, aggression toward therapists, or a fluctuation of both extremes. Participants and therapists recreated a pattern of reinforcement in which good work was stalled and avoidance and redirection was encouraged. When therapists pushed for change, participants reacted in anger. When therapists allowed a subject change, participants reacted with warmth and positive feedback. This loop seemed to trick both therapist and participant into thinking they were on the right track, when in retrospect, they were not. Due to the intensity of crisis-related situations, therapists spent a good deal of time addressing safety concerns, such as suicidal thoughts or gestures, hostility and threats toward the therapist, or self-injurious behavior. Often, little time was left to teach coping skills or address behavioral functioning. After analyzing these problems, Linehan devised several adaptations to CBT. These directly addressed the needs of the population. Acceptance-based techniques were included to ensure participants felt supported and validated before they were asked to focus on change. In addition, dialectics were incorporated to allow therapists and participants in treatment to focus on the synthesis of polar opposites, such as acceptance and change. This helped them to avoid becoming trapped in patterns of extreme position-taking. These and other adaptations were added to the practice of CBT. In 1993, Linehan published the first official treatment manual, Cognitive Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Since then, the practice of DBT has grown in popularity. Over the last several decades, a great deal of research has supported the efficacy of DBT. This form of therapy is now practiced in dozens of countries around the world. It is also listed in SAMHSA's Registry of Evidence-Based Programs and Practices. This page contains at least one affiliate link for the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, which means GoodTherapy.org receives financial compensation if you make a purchase using an Amazon link. DBT THEORY Three major theoretical frameworks combine to form the basis for DBT. These are a behavioral science biosocial model of the development of chronic mental health issues, the mindfulness practice of Zen Buddhism, and the philosophy of dialectics. The biosocial theory attempts to explain how issues related to borderline personality develop. The theory posits that some people are born with a predisposition toward emotional vulnerability. Environments that lack solid structure and stability can intensify a person's negative emotional responses. They can also influence patterns of interaction that become destructive. These patterns can harm relationships and functioning across all settings. They may often result in suicidal behavior and/or a diagnosis of borderline personality. DBT draws mindfulness techniques from Zen Buddhism to use here-and-now presence of mind. This may help people in therapy objectively and calmly assess situations. Mindfulness training allows people to take stock of their current experience, evaluate the facts, and focus on one thing at a time. Dialectics are used to support both the therapist and person in treatment. They pull from both extremes of an issue. Therapists use dialectics to help people accept the parts of themselves they do not like. They also use dialectics to provide motivation and encouragement to address the change of those parts. Synthesizing polar opposites can reduce tension and help keep therapy moving forward. STAGES AND GOALS IN DBT This form of therapy is designed to systematically and comprehensively treat issues in order of severity. Because DBT was initially intended for people with suicidal tendencies and extreme emotional issues, treatment happens in stages. This ensures all concerns are eventually addressed. DBT involves the following four stages: Findings from multiple studies reflect the efficacy of DBT, especially for the treatment of borderline personality issues, posttraumatic stress, self-harm, and suicidality. Stage 1. The focus of this stage is stabilization. People in therapy may be dealing with things like suicidal thoughts, self-harm, or addiction. They often report feeling like they are at an all-time low point in their lives. Therapy is centered on safety and crisis intervention. The goal of this stage is to help people achieve some control over problematic behaviors. Stage 2. In this stage, behaviors are more stable, but mental health issues may still be present. Emotional pain is typically brought to the surface. Traumatic experiences are safely explored. The goal of this stage is for people in treatment to experience their emotional pain instead of silencing or burying it. Stage 3. This stage focuses on enhancing quality of life through maintenance of progress and reasonable goal-setting. The goal of this stage is to promote happiness and stability. Stage 4. During this stage, therapists support people in advancing their lives to the next level. In therapy, people may improve upon learned skills or work toward spiritual fulfillment. The goal of this stage is to help people achieve and maintain an ongoing capacity for happiness and success. Copyright © 2007 - 2022 GoodTherapy, LLC
  3. Halloween Halloween is a holiday celebrated each year on October 31, and Halloween 2022 will occur on Monday, October 31. The tradition originated with the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain, when people would light bonfires and wear costumes to ward off ghosts. In the eighth century, Pope Gregory III designated November 1 as a time to honor all saints. Soon, All Saints Day incorporated some of the traditions of Samhain. The evening before was known as All Hallows Eve, and later Halloween. Over time, Halloween evolved into a day of activities like trick-or-treating, carving jack-o-lanterns, festive gatherings, donning costumes and eating treats. Ancient Origins of Halloween Halloween’s origins date back to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain (pronounced sow-in). The Celts, who lived 2,000 years ago, mostly in the area that is now Ireland, the United Kingdom and northern France, celebrated their new year on November 1. This day marked the end of summer and the harvest and the beginning of the dark, cold winter, a time of year that was often associated with human death. Celts believed that on the night before the new year, the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred. On the night of October 31 they celebrated Samhain, when it was believed that the ghosts of the dead returned to earth. History of Trick-or-Treating Borrowing from European traditions, Americans began to dress up in costumes and go house to house asking for food or money, a practice that eventually became today’s “trick-or-treat” tradition. Young women believed that on Halloween they could divine the name or appearance of their future husband by doing tricks with yarn, apple parings or mirrors. Halloween Parties By the 1920s and 1930s, Halloween had become a secular but community-centered holiday, with parades and town-wide Halloween parties as the featured entertainment. Despite the best efforts of many schools and communities, vandalism began to plague some celebrations in many communities during this time. By the 1950s, town leaders had successfully limited vandalism and Halloween had evolved into a holiday directed mainly at the young. Due to the high numbers of young children during the fifties baby boom, parties moved from town civic centers into the classroom or home, where they could be more easily accommodated. Between 1920 and 1950, the centuries-old practice of trick-or-treating was also revived. Trick-or-treating was a relatively inexpensive way for an entire community to share the Halloween celebration. In theory, families could also prevent tricks being played on them by providing the neighborhood children with small treats. Thus, a new American tradition was born, and it has continued to grow. Today, Americans spend an estimated $6 billion annually on Halloween, making it the country’s second largest commercial holiday after Christmas.
  4. Thanksgiving
  5. NAMI is working to reimagine the way mental health crises are handled in the United States. Learn about 988, the nationwide 3-digit number for mental health & suicide crises, and what services need to be available in every community to help anyone in crisis and reduce law enforcement involvement. Visit nami.org/988 to learn more and get involved. If you or a loved one is seeking mental health treatment or additional information on mental health, visit our website at NAMI.org. Call our HelpLine at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) - open Mon-Fri from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. ET Text “NAMI” to 741-741 - Available 24/7 Visit us online at nami.org. Find your local NAMI at nami.org/findsupport NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is the nation’s largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to building better lives for the millions of Americans affected by mental illness.
  6. Juneteenth Juneteenth is a federal holiday in the United States commemorating the emancipation of enslaved African-Americans. It is also often observed for celebrating African-American culture. Originating in Galveston, Texas, it has been celebrated annually on June 19 in various parts of the United States since 1865.
  7. Happy July 4th Independence Day! housands of Americans will crowd onto the Benjamin Franklin Parkway to watch fireworks explode over the Philadelphia sky in honor of the Fourth of July. Similar festivities will play out across the country. The tradition is almost as old the United States itself. And it began in Philadelphia. The first Independence Day celebration took place on July 4, 1777 — one year after the Declaration of Independence was adopted by the Continental Congress. RELATED STORIES Rare signers' copy of Declaration of Independence fetches $4.42 million at auction Journeys across America helped secure Liberty Bell's iconic status First Lady Jill Biden to attend Wawa Welcome America event on July 4 Thousands of Americans will crowd onto the Benjamin Franklin Parkway to watch fireworks explode over the Philadelphia sky in honor of the Fourth of July. Similar festivities will play out across the country. The tradition is almost as old the United States itself. And it began in Philadelphia. The first Independence Day celebration took place on July 4, 1777 — one year after the Declaration of Independence was adopted by the Continental Congress. On the eve of the historic document's adoption, John Adams wrote a letter to his wife, Abigail, that suggested future anniversaries of the nation's birth would be celebrated with fireworks. Adams wrote: On the eve of the historic document's adoption, John Adams wrote a letter to his wife, Abigail, that suggested future anniversaries of the nation's birth would be celebrated with fireworks. Adams wrote: "I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated, by succeeding Generations, as the great anniversary Festival. It ought to be commemorated, as the Day of Deliverance by solemn Acts of Devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with Pomp and Parade, with Shews, Games, Sports, Guns, Bells, Bonfires and Illuminations from one End of this Continent to the other from this Time forward forever more." Adams actually thought July 2 would serve as the nation's "most memorable Epocha." That's the date that delegates from 12 colonies voted in favor of independence. The future president missed on that prediction, but he nailed every aspect of the fanfare. One year later, Philadelphia celebrated with "joy and festivity," according to the Pennsylvania Evening Post, which was the first newspaper to print the Declaration of Independence. The festivities began at noon, when armed ships in the Delaware River lined up before the city, "dressed in the gayest manner, with the colours of the United States and streamers displayed." At 1 p.m., they began a 13-gun salute to honor the 13 colonies. The afternoon included a dinner for Congress and other dignitaries. A Hessian band played music. A group of British deserters fired a feux de joie. And numerous toasts were made to independence and those who had died fighting for it. The celebrations were capped, naturally, with fireworks. According to the Evening Post: In the years that followed, towns across the country began marking Independence Day with parades, speeches, picnics, games and military demonstrations, according to PBS. The observations particularly became common at the end of the War of 1812, when a patriotic spirit gripped the nation. The fireworks at the first Fourth of July celebration would not have been the elaborate, aerial displays people observe today. Though there were some rockets, they were crude. The centerpieces were raised platforms covered with fireworks depicting patriotic images. Italians first developed colorful fireworks in the 1830s by combining metals with explosives, according to National Geographic. Family businesses participated in competitions in which they each blasted a single firework into the sky. The blasts were judged on their design, sound, size and color. Aerial fireworks eventually made their way to the United States in the late 1800s. Two of the family businesses — Fireworks by Grucci and Zambelli Fireworks — are among the oldest and largest firework companies in the U.S.
  8. Welcome, Ms. Dryemptywell to our Depressionforums family😍 We are here for you, albeit you must be a tad more in talking about what is troubling you in different forums? We have many to forums choose from and I am certain that you have many questions which our members are very happy to answer for you🥰 You do not have to be so specific in describing your problems, but members need to know what your problems are like in order to help. We want to help in your road to recovery aid and make you feel more comfortable talking to people. Please do not hesitate to get back to us with questions Hugs, Lindsay, Forum Administrator
  9. The name Easter is derived from ‘Ostara’ or ‘Eostre’, a pagan goddess of fertility, whose feast was celebrated on the Vernal Equinox. It is one of the most important days for Christians all over the world. Good Friday is observed all over India by Christians. This is the day when Lord Christ was crucified. The Christians offer special prayers in the Church, while Easter is a festival of rejuvenation of life and living. On this day, Lord Christ rose again after his death. Depressionforums.org Depressionforums.org
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  11. No pictures in topics or posts that is why we have gallery for members or Blogs to share your pictures ❣️ then you can put a link to your blog or your gallery❗️ Best, Forum Admin
  12. Hello John, What a great post! I do hope many of our members read your story. Please talk about it more. I am in total agreement with you. It does work. Going on a keto diet does work. A Low Carbohydrate diet for life works on DEPRESSION as well as weight loss. It is a well known fact. I thank you for posting about how excess carbs can really destroy a personality and a body. Take care and keep up your low carb journey! 🤩 -Lindsay
  13. If you feel lost or have suicidal Ideation and cannot find a Forum to talk to your peers: Find Your Local NAMI https://www.nami.org/findsupport There are more than 600 NAMI State Organizations and Affiliates across the country. Many NAMI affiliates offer an array of free support and education programs. Contact your NAMI Affiliate to find out what types of programs and supports they offer. To find the NAMI closest to you click on a state on the map or enter your ZIP code below. We care and we are here for you to help you find your way ~Lindsay, Administrator
  14. Welcome Luciano❣️ There are so many forums that you can post to and share your experiences about depression and how you came about overcoming! Please no links! Read our terms of service (TOS) as you may find a plethora of mental health issues you might not have not known about yourself❗️ take very good care of you🙏 -Lindsay, forums administrator, owner
  15. Valentine’s Day occurs every February 14. Across the United States and in other places around the world, candy, flowers and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint and where did these traditions come from? Find out about the history of Valentine’s Day, from the ancient Roman ritual of Lupercalia that welcomed spring to the card-giving customs of Victorian England. The Legend of St. Valentine The history of Valentine’s Day—and the story of its patron saint—is shrouded in mystery. We do know that February has long been celebrated as a month of romance, and that St. Valentine’s Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. But who was Saint Valentine, and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? The Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred. One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine’s actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death. Still others insist that it was Saint Valentine of Terni, a bishop, who was the true namesake of the holiday. He, too, was beheaded by Claudius II outside Rome. Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons, where they were often beaten and tortured. According to one legend, an imprisoned Valentine actually sent the first “valentine” greeting himself after he fell in love with a young girl—possibly his jailor’s daughter—who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter signed “From your Valentine,” an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories all emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic and—most importantly—romantic figure. By the Middle Ages, perhaps thanks to this reputation, Valentine would become one of the most popular saints in England and France. Origins of Valentine’s Day: A Pagan Festival in February While some believe that Valentine’s Day is celebrated in the middle of February to commemorate the anniversary of Valentine’s death or burial—which probably occurred around A.D. 270—others claim that the Christian church may have decided to place St. Valentine’s feast day in the middle of February in an effort to “Christianize” the pagan celebration of Lupercalia. Celebrated at the ides of February, or February 15, Lupercalia was a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture, as well as to the Roman founders Romulus and Remus. To begin the festival, members of the Luperci, an order of Roman priests, would gather at a sacred cave where the infants Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome, were believed to have been cared for by a she-wolf or lupa. The priests would sacrifice a goat, for fertility, and a dog, for purification. They would then strip the goat’s hide into strips, dip them into the sacrificial blood and take to the streets, gently slapping both women and crop fields with the goat hide. Far from being fearful, Roman women welcomed the touch of the hides because it was believed to make them more fertile in the coming year. Later in the day, according to legend, all the young women in the city would place their names in a big urn. The city’s bachelors would each choose a name and become paired for the year with his chosen woman. These matches often ended in marriage. Lupercalia survived the initial rise of Christianity but was outlawed—as it was deemed “un-Christian”—at the end of the 5th century, when Pope Gelasius declared February 14 St. Valentine’s Day. It was not until much later, however, that the day became definitively associated with love. During the Middle Ages, it was commonly believed in France and England that February 14 was the beginning of birds’ mating season, which added to the idea that the middle of Valentine’s Day should be a day for romance. The English poet Geoffrey Chaucer was the first to record St. Valentine’s Day as a day of romantic celebration in his 1375 poem “Parliament of Foules,” writing, ““For this was sent on Seynt Valentyne’s day / Whan every foul cometh ther to choose his mate.” Valentine greetings were popular as far back as the Middle Ages, though written Valentine’s didn’t begin to appear until after 1400. The oldest known valentine still in existence today was a poem written in 1415 by Charles, Duke of Orleans, to his wife while he was imprisoned in the Tower of London following his capture at the Battle of Agincourt. (The greeting is now part of the manuscript collection of the British Library in London, England.) Several years later, it is believed that King Henry V hired a writer named John Lydgate to compose a valentine note to Catherine of Valois. Who Is Cupid? Cupid is often portrayed on Valentine’s Day cards as a naked cherub launching arrows of love at unsuspecting lovers. But the Roman God Cupid has his roots in Greek mythology as the Greek god of love, Eros. Accounts of his birth vary; some say he is the son of Nyx and Erebus; others, of Aphrodite and Ares; still others suggest he is the son of Iris and Zephyrus or even Aphrodite and Zeus (who would have been both his father and grandfather). According to the Greek Archaic poets, Eros was a handsome immortal played with the emotions of Gods and men, using golden arrows to incite love and leaden ones to sow aversion. It wasn’t until the Hellenistic period that he began to be portrayed as the mischievous, chubby child he’d become on Valentine’s Day cards. Typical Valentine’s Day Greetings In addition to the United States, Valentine’s Day is celebrated in Canada, Mexico, the United Kingdom, France and Australia. In Great Britain, Valentine’s Day began to be popularly celebrated around the 17th century. By the middle of the 18th, it was common for friends and lovers of all social classes to exchange small tokens of affection or handwritten notes, and by 1900 printed cards began to replace written letters due to improvements in printing technology. Ready-made cards were an easy way for people to express their emotions in a time when direct expression of one’s feelings was discouraged. Cheaper postage rates also contributed to an increase in the popularity of sending Valentine’s Day greetings. Americans probably began exchanging hand-made valentines in the early 1700s. In the 1840s, Esther A. Howland began selling the first mass-produced valentines in America. Howland, known as the “Mother of the Valentine,” made elaborate creations with real lace, ribbons and colorful pictures known as “scrap.” Today, according to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated 145 million Valentine’s Day cards are sent each year, making Valentine’s Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year (more cards are sent at Christmas). Citation Information Article Title History of Valentine’s Day Author History.com Editors Website Name HISTORY URL https://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day/history-of-valentines-day-2
  16. Happy Birthday cherryapplez2020🥰 ~Lindsay, Forum Admin
  17. Welcome to our new Members!😍 As I posted in this Forum back in 2009 and beyond, I will repeat, please read and make the best of these forums as there are so many. Post your feelings and post to our "seasoned" members who will also give you some sage advice. We also have BLOGS for you to start your own after 5 posts that you can make❣️ Depression Forums is a wonderful place to start to open up and relieve yourself of all the pressure you have stored up. I have also described it as somewhat of a stepping stone to move on with your life. Take your time and look around. If you need anything click on our staff (pinned above) and PM them. Hugs and best wishes & #StaySafe You may hng out all you want and you will learn quite a bit. Also, do not mind "the Dust" as we are redoing a lot since we have been here since 2004! Glad that you found us! With all my best wishes to you, ~Lindsay, Forum Administrator, Owner
  18. Taking a look at a contentious topic loaded with societal shame by Peg Streep Tech Support Source: Photograph by Jody Hong Films. Copyright free. Unsplash Recently, I reposted an article I'd written about estrangement—or “No Contact” as it’s informally called on Facebook—and got pushback from mothers who were estranged from their adult children and who did not initiate the cut-off. What they had to say was achingly familiar—it’s what I and other daughters who’ve made this painful but sometimes necessary decision have heard from our mothers, family members, people we know, and strangers alike. It was a consistent narrative composed of declared innocence (“I was a good mother"; “She was loved and cared for”), defensiveness and rationalization (“She didn’t like being held as a baby”; “She resisted any effort to discipline her”; “Everyone agreed she was a problem”), and downright blaming (“She has always been difficult”; “She is extremely abusive and everyone sees it”; “Abusive, ungrateful, and a bad person”). This isn’t to say that a daughter or son cannot be abusive, especially if there is an undiagnosed mental illness or addiction involved. But I have a horse in this race and I know for sure that most adult children don’t self-orphan—and, yes, most of the time the loss is never just the mother—because it’s a spur-of-the-moment angry or thoughtless decision. As I have written before, most daughters mull the decision over for years, if not decades. And, if they go no contact, they are prone to reverse themselves once or twice, because their need for connection and maternal love has not abated, despite their recognition that they probably won’t get either from the mother they have. Research confirms that estrangement can go through a predictable cycle—of going no contact and then reinstating connection— so it’s not just my experience or those reported by women I’ve interviewed. The reality is that these mothers—who claim to be abandoned by ungrateful, impetuous, and difficult adult children, who never informed them of either their complaints or their plans—are more likely to get a fair hearing by our culture, to get sympathy and support when they wage war against the so-called ungrateful adult child, and to be embraced by their communities for their actions. That’s precisely what a study by Christine Rittenour, Stephen Kromka, and others found when they looked at stereotypes and attitudes toward adult child-parent estrangement. The Cultural Onus of the Adult Child’s Estrangement It has the weight of a stone tablet—yes, a Commandment—and it’s “Honor Thy Mother and Father.” I have had a number of different pastors explain the injunction in context and they all agree it does not include accepting being emotionally abused, marginalized, or ignored. But, in the court of public opinion, the Commandment is hard to beat. The mythology of motherhood, I think, has just as much clout and maybe more for the culture. Despite the science that makes it clear that motherhood in the human species is learned behavior, the culture is content to pretend that we are more like elephants for whom mothering is pure instinct. As a group, we cling to the myths that all women are maternal and nurturing, that mothering is instinctual, and that maternal love is always unconditional; not one of those three statements is true. But that doesn’t explain why the adult child-parental estrangement is the elephant in our cultural living room. Mind you, when the parent initiates estrangement—ridding the family of the bad seed, the intransigent one, the odd-one-out—the culture clucks with sympathy because everyone knows that parenting is hard. The mother myths carry weight here, too, testifying to the myth that no one divorces a child without compelling reasons every sane person would agree with. But are we getting the whole picture on why we’re so quick to judge the adult child? Why do we, as the study by Ritenour and others found, revert to stereotypes calling the adult child “childish, immature, and ungrateful” for initiating estrangement? Looking at the Big Picture Here are some pieces of the puzzle revealed by research that are worth considering when we talk about familial estrangement. 1. There may be an evolutionary reason for the taboo. That’s exactly what psychologist Glenn Geher (a blogger on this site) and his colleagues suggested when they examined the evolutionary psychology of social estrangements. Remember that humans began as tribal folk—try surviving as a hunter or gatherer on your own—and social bonds were primary. Thus, estrangement was not exactly a strategy for survival. Seen through this lens—that of evolution—forgiveness is a step forward while saying that someone is “dead” to you is a step back. The research team wanted to test whether the number of estrangements in a person’s life would be predictive of adverse psychological outcomes and whether there were psychological factors that could predict estrangement over the more conciliatory act of forgiveness. (In case you’re interested, the more estrangements a person had in life, the more likely they were to exhibit narcissism and other not-so-wonderful traits. That’s not surprising—but here, we’re looking at a specific kind of estrangement that tends not to be part of a larger pattern). So, perhaps, the problem we have with estrangements, especially of close others, may have to do with our human history. 2. It’s not really rare (and, no, blood isn't always thicker than water). There isn’t a reliable number on how common estrangement is but it’s clear that it’s neither as rare nor as unexpected as cultural taboos and mythologies would have us believe. One 2015 study by Richard Conti which was conducted with a sample of college and graduate students found that 43.5 percent had been estranged at some point and that 26.6 percent reported extended estrangement. His study also confirmed that anecdotal evidence makes clear: that estrangement from a parent always involves estrangement from other family members. He concluded that estrangement “is perhaps as common as divorce in certain segments of society.” That sounds pretty dire—but another study, this one conducted by Lucy Blake in Great Britain, found even higher percentages; out of the 807 people interviewed, 455 were estranged from their mothers. As someone who was estranged from her one surviving parent on and off and then finally, I can tell you from experience that given the cultural onus, few people come forth and speak out. So, the truth is that for every incident of adult child estrangement you hear about, there’s probably one or two that is kept under wraps. That’s not a scientific statement but an educated guess, which happens to be bolstered by the following research study. 3. Estrangement isn’t the only way adult-child relationships destruct. In an effort to clarify the various ways in which communication within families is disrupted, Katrina M. Scharp and Elizabeth Dorrance Hall posited that there were indeed three separate processes at work: Family-member marginalization, Parent-child alienation, and Parent-child estrangement. They define family member marginalization as signifying one person as the outsider or black sheep. Being the black sheep can be a function of being or looking different, having different interests or a different point of view, not conforming, or simply telling truths about the family the group prefers not to hear. According to the authors, even though they are marginalized, most so-called black sheep don’t tend to break ties with the family entirely. Parent-child alienation is their second category, which mostly occurs in the context of divorce and, according to the studies they cite, affects about 13.4 percent of parents. It seems to me that while part of the landscape, parent-child alienation is different in kind because 1) it is the result of active efforts by one parent to create a rift between the child and the other parent and 2) the child is still in a position of dependency, forced to be loyal to one side at the cost of the other. Adult child-parent estrangement is the third process; they note that research indicates that estrangement instigated by a parent is conservatively estimated at 12 percent. They note that all the research underscores that estrangement is highly stigmatized and writes, “Indeed, adult children go to great lengths to keep their estrangement experiences private or even secret.” That is a statement every daughter or son who has gone no contact can corroborate. A personal opinion: While it’s useful to see these different distancing processes, it seems as though parent-child alienation is the odd man out, even though it might ultimately be the basis for a continued adult child-parent estrangement later, since it is a function of an adult’s deliberate and tactical effort to disrupt the other parent’s connection to the child. 4. While estrangement may be cyclical, reconciliation is usually elusive. Both research and the interviews I’ve conducted with women for my books, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Mean Mothers confirm that estrangement is usually not a single or decisive action. Daughters usually attempt to manage the relationship to their mothers or fathers first, either by attempting to set boundaries, limiting communication, or simply having fewer interactions; what’s informally called “low contact” works in some cases, especially when there’s geographic distance between the adult child and her family of origin, but not always. Sometimes, the failure of low contact simply yields to a decision to move into a full-blown estrangement. Other times, a daughter will reinstitute contact either because of hopefulness that things can change or some other reason. But, as a study by Kristen Carr, Amanda Holman, and others showed, the difference between the parent’s perspective and that of the adult child is usually enormous. In a study of 898 of unmatched parents and adult children, the researchers found that there was absolutely no agreement at all about what had caused the estrangement. While parents tended to focus on their children’s objectionable relationships or sense of entitlement, adult children honed in on toxic treatment or feeling unloved and unaccepted. Interestingly, while the adult children were able to be explicit about why they felt unloved or unsupported and connected those feelings to their parents’ behaviors, the parents showed very little self-reflection. It’s worth saying that this research supports every story I have heard from adult children over the years. Old ideas die hard, and new research on family estrangement offers a new opportunity for all of us to discuss and learn. Copyright © 2019 Peg Streep Facebook image: Thanakorn Stocker/Shutterstock References Rittenour, Christine, Stephen Kromka, Sara Pitts, Margaret Thorwart, Janelle Vickers, and Kaitlyn Whyte, “Communication Surrounding Estrangement: Stereotypes, Attitudes, and (Non) Accommodation Strategies, “Behavioral Sciences (2018), vol.8 (10), 96-112. Geher, Glenn, Vania Rolon, Richard Holler, Amanda Baroni, et, al. : You’re dead to me! The evolutionary psychology of social estrangements and social transgressions.” Current Psychology (2019). 10.1007/s12144-019-00381-z. Conti, Richard P. “Family Estrangements: Establishing a Prevalence Rate,” Journal of Psychology and Behavioral Science (2015), vol.3(2), 28-35. Blake, Lucy. Hidden Voices: Family Estrangement in Adulthood. University of Cambridge Centre for Family Research/Stand Alone. http://standalone.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/HiddenVoices.FinalR… Scharp, Kristina M. and Elizabeth Dorrance Hall, “Family Marginalization, alienation, and estrangement: questioning the nonvoluntary status of family relationships,” Annals of the International Communications Association (2017), vol.41 (1), 28-45. Scharp, Kristina M. “You’re Not Welcome Here: A Grounded Theory of Family Distancing,” Communication Research (2017), 1-29. Agilias, Kylie. “Disconnection and Decision-making: Adult Children Explain Their Reasons for Estranging from Parents, Australian Social Work (2015) 69:1, 92-104. JAgllias, Kylie. “Missing Family: The Adult Child’s Experience of Parental Estrangement,” Journal of Social Work Practice (2018) vol. 31(1), 59-72. Carr, Kristen, Amanda Holman, Jenna Abetz, Jody Koenig Kellas, and Elizabeth Vagnoni, "Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Non-matched Sample, Journal of Family Communication (2015), vol. 15, issue 2, 130-140. https://www.psychologytoday.com
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    Yom Kippur Traditionally, Yom Kippur is known as the Day of Atonement. It’s a Jewish holiday for personal reflection, reverence, and for some, fasting. This approximately 25-hour fast includes no eating and no drinking from sunset to sunset on the day observed as Yom Kippur. You can learn more about Yom Kippur and its celebrations by taking a look at our Yom Kippur Cheat Sheet infographic. When Does Yom Kippur Take Place? Yom Kippur takes place on the final day of the 10 Days of Awe, which begins with Rosh Hashanah. This year, Yom Kippur begins at sunset on Wednesday, September 15, 2021 and ends at sunset on Thursday, September 16, 2021. Before sundown, we gather with family and friends and eat the last meal before the start of Yom Kippur and the fast. Kids under the age of 13 are not required to fast, nor are adults whose health precludes them from fasting, including pregnant or breastfeeding moms. If you’re not fasting but a loved one is, you can still support them during this holiday and partake in quiet time for reflection. Yom Kippur ends with a big break-the-fast celebration. Family and friends join together with food they have prepared in advance. It’s traditional to invite newcomers and anyone who might be alone during the holiday. 18Doors has lots of recipes to choose from. Yom Kippur Traditions Families celebrate with a festive dinner and candle lighting before fasting begins on Yom Kippur. Many individuals use this time to remember and reflect on family members and friends who’ve passed on. The day before Yom Kippur, some Jewish individuals visit cemeteries and pay respects to loved ones who’ve died. Another custom in the days prior to Yom Kippur is doing good deeds. Many individuals volunteer to help the disadvantaged amongst them by donating money or time. Being generous at this time is considered a positive and joyful way to bring in the new year. Once Yom Kippur ends, it is a tradition that someone blows the shofar, which is a ram’s horn trumpet, signaling the new year and a time to rejoice. The end of the Yom Kippur fast is celebrated with a lively “break fast” meal, which often includes bagels and pastries, kugel, latkes, and egg dishes. You can find great “break fast” options in our Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur recipes section here. High Holy Days, High Holy Days Rituals, Jewish Holidays, Yom Kippur
  22. Veterans Day Thank you for your Service History Although originally formed as Armistice Day on November 11, 1919 by a proclamation of President Woodrow Wilson to honor the countries servicemen who served during World War I, the date wouldn’t become a National Holiday until a Congressional Act in 1938 made it so. It would remain a holiday for this select group of soldiers, sailors and marines until President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed a bill that expanded its intention to celebrate the service of servicemen from every American war. It would remain known as Armistice Day for the next 35 years until Congress decided to change its name to Veterans Day on June 1st, 1954. Its name has remained unchanged ever since. The date of its celebration has also remained unchanged, except for a brief period of seven years when it was changed to the fourth Monday of every October in 1971 to make sure that it complied with the Uniform Monday Holiday Act. This decision would eventually be reversed in 1978 and this holiday has been celebrated on November 11th ever since. Although this holiday falls on November 11th legally, it isn’t always celebrated on that day. For the organizations that take part in celebrations of this holiday, observances can be held on either Friday or Monday – depending on whether it falls on a Saturday or a Sunday. Customs And Observances National Ceremony-Every year, a ceremony is held at Arlington National Cemetery to commemorate this holiday. During this time, the President Of The United States placing a wreath!!! on the Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier and this is followed by a ceremony inside the Memorial Amphitheater that features speeches from dignitaries and a parade of colors by different organizations. Schools And Veterans Organizations-All around the country, many schools and organizations take part in Veteran Day ceremonies. These often include flying of the American flag, speeches, a singing of the National Anthem and a Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag. Municipal Parades-Another tradition that is observed by just about American city is a holiday parade that often includes bands, the marching of servicemen, speeches and remembrances. I am adding, please say prayers for our service men and women who our going through such terrible times right now in Afghanistan and to honor them for their patriotism, love of country, and willingness to serve and sacrifice for the common good. In Conclusion For many Americans, Veterans Day is a great way to remember the sacrifice their service men and women, that are making now, and have made, (I am adding this unfortunately that are making tremendous sacrifices to this day, keeping the United States and the countries that have served besides her free! It is also a great way to thank them for their service to all free countries! Please PRAY for those still left behind in Afghanistan.
  23. Labor Day Monday, September 6 Labor Day 2021 in the United States and Canada Labor Day, in the United States and Canada, holiday (first Monday in September) honouring workers and recognizing their contributions to society. In many other countries May Day serves a similar purpose. Labor Day is celebrated on Monday, September 6, 2021. So between the backyard barbecues and the mid-afternoon naps in the barcalounger, here are some fun facts about today. Labor Day – What it Means: Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country. Labor Day Legislation: The first governmental recognition came through municipal ordinances passed in 1885 and 1886. From these, a movement developed to secure state legislation. The first state bill was introduced into the New York legislature, but the first to become law was passed by Oregon on February 21, 1887. During 1887, four more states – Colorado, Massachusetts, New Jersey, and New York – created the Labor Day holiday by legislative enactment. By the end of the decade Connecticut, Nebraska, and Pennsylvania had followed suit. By 1894, 23 more states had adopted the holiday, and on June 28, 1894, Congress passed an act making the first Monday in September of each year a legal holiday in the District of Columbia and the territories. In the United States, Peter J. McGuire, a union leader who had founded the United Brotherhood of Carpenters in 1881, is generally given credit for the idea of Labor Day. In 1882 he suggested to the Central Labor Union of New York that there be a celebration honouring American workers. On September 5 some 10,000 workers, under the sponsorship of the Knights of Labor, held a parade in New York City. There was no particular significance to the date, and McGuire said that it was chosen because it fell roughly halfway between the Fourth of July holiday and Thanksgiving. In 1884 the Knights of Labor adopted a resolution that the first Monday in September be considered Labor Day. The idea quickly spread, and by the following year Labor Day celebrations were being held in a number of states. Oregon became the first state, in 1887, to grant legal status to the holiday (although the state initially celebrated it on the first Saturday in June). That same year Colorado, New York, Massachusetts, and New Jersey established the holiday on the first Monday in September, and other states soon followed. In 1894 the Pullman strike in Illinois, as well as a series of unemployed workers’ riots on May Day in Cleveland, prompted U.S. Pres. Grover Cleveland to propose a bill that would make Labor Day a national public holiday. The bill, which was crafted in part to deflect attention from May Day (an unofficial observance rooted in socialist movements), was signed into law in June of that year. Over the years, particularly as the influence of unions waned, the significance of Labor Day in the United States changed. For many people it became an end-of-summer celebration and a long weekend for family get-togethers. At the same time, it has continued to be celebrated with parades and speeches, as well as political rallies, and the day is sometimes the official kickoff date for national political campaigns. In Canada the first parades of workers were held in 1872 in Ottawa and Toronto, and later in that year the law making labour unions illegal was repealed. McGuire was invited to speak at the celebration in 1882. In 1894 Parliament officially recognized the holiday in Canada. Most other countries honour workers on May Day (May 1). The day was a major holiday in communist countries, and it continues to be important where left-wing political parties and labour movements wield influence. https://www.britannica.com/topic/Labor-Day#:~:text=movements wield influence.-,The Editors of Encyclopaedia Britannica,most recently revised and updated by Amy Tikkanen%2C Corrections Manager., Depression Forums Incorporated
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