The Silent One

I love food but I limit myself to certain foods to avoid gaining weight. Mainly chicken and vegetables. Brand flakes and low fat almond milk. Salads and occasionally tuna.

Even though I'm afraid of hurting my body permanently, I still struggle to eat. I just can't do it and its ridiculous.

I saw a psychiatrist for a first appointment in a long time and she diagnosed me with anorexia nervosa. She wants to start monitoring my health and weight with bloodwork because she says I've lost an unhealthy amount. I truly didnt think it had gotten this bad and I'm still partly in denial. I feel the lowest I have in years. I feel like as a 26 year old man what business do I have developing and eating disorder? How does that even happen. Things are pretty dark right now.

I needed accountability. I can't keep doing this. It's way out of hand I need help. I told my therapist I've been struggling with restricting, exercising, and purging. I felt so stupid and immature. She said she wanted to ask. Ut was waiting for me to bring it up. Now we are focusing on it in treatment and she will keep me accountable. I feel like people dont understand though. I can eat one cookie, still only eat 600 calories a day and I literally think that I look noticeably fatter and it skyrockets my depression and anxiety. I feel the least depressed when people notice my weight loss. I dont know if I can do this and I regret telling her about it. I'm a 26 year old. Why is this is an issue for me? It makes me feel weak and immature and I'm neither of those thing. I've tried eating more this week and my depression has been through the roof. I don't know if I can do this. I didn't know how big of a problem it was until I tried to stop. I just really need some support right now because I'm not in a good place.

It's just getting out of hand. People are starting to comment. I'm going to try to change some habits and I'm actually about to attempt ordering a pizza with my family because they are concerned about my weight and I dont want to raise any flags. Im stressing out quite a bit about this pizza

So I'd like to open up to my therapist about my "eating problem", I'll call it. Because I dont think it's a full blown ed. She commented on my weight last time and seemed concerned. My fear is that she will want me to go inpatient which I dont want to. From your alls experience, at what point would I be forced to go inpatient? I'm also worried that I'll get weighed at each session. I would just like some insight as to what it may look like if i tell my therapist about this issue. Thank you in advance.

No I dont. I have some safety foods that ill eat in specifically measured portions. But that's it.

On days where I really know it's out of hand I try to eat more but it's almost like I physically can't. Its almost like I can't emotionally handle eating anything with too many calories, carbs, or fats. My boss told me I look sickly and to stop dieting yesterday. But this is the best I've felt in a long time. And I still see weight. How did you all move towards eating normally again?

I'm starting to think I might have an eating disorder. My depression has taken a back seat to restricting and excerice. I've become obsessed with counting calories, carbs, sodium, and fats. This started out as a diet but I reached my goal weight long ago. People keep telling me to stop dieting but I can't even eat most foods anymore without the depression coming back. This has been going on for a few months now. I'm glad my depression is subsiding but I'm worried something worse is taking over. I'm trying to avoid another hospitalization because I just got an elite hard to get job and bought a house, etc. But I'm worried. Just needing some support and maybe an email pal.

Does anybody know of any tattoo ideas to honor their fight with depression, SI, and suicidal ideation besides the semicolon?

I have been looking for a depression support group that meets close to my area but I am having a lot of difficulties. Can anybody help me out? Can anybody give me tips on how to find them or maybe somebody who knows where I can find this information? I've been looking for ages. I live in western PA. PM me for more info. I would really appreciate any help that anybody can give me.

"Make Me Wanna Die" - by The Pretty Reckless Describes my feelings word for word. Its scary how acurate this song is to my feelings.

If 1 is the lowest then I geuss its 1.

So I have picked up poetry as my way to vent feelings. Its not as effective as my past methods, but its healthier. I was wondering if anybody knew any activeonline forums to post/view poetry. Particularly DARK poetry. Anybody? Thanks, -Silent

Never too late - three days grace

I will. Thanks

I dont know if I have anxiety problems or not, but Im nervous all the time. Im always worried about something. I feel like I will throw up when this happens. It happens mostly with school. I hate going because I know I will get made fun of. IWhen this happens, I have trouble breathing a little and feel like I will throw up. Is this anxiety? It has been happening quite often latley, even when Im alone I will get like this. Thanks, Jake

Im 16.

Internal dialogue - Maria Mena