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Fighting 4 Survival

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About Fighting 4 Survival

  • Birthday 07/29/1986

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  1. Sorry I'm drunk and tired, I just hate everyone, why do I have to keep going, all I could say was 'I'm not okay'.... shit she's only 19, I'm not okay please god why..
  2. 5am, and my sister was the only one who gave a damn. What's wrong with people? I would have done it, dear god I was this close..I hate everyone..
  3. Thank you everyone, thank you so much I think I might take one or two sick days this week, just to get back on my feet and take a little time to REALLY analyze, what I want and where I'm going because I can't keep going on like this. I'm making myself sick and it's not fair on those around me, who are trying to support me. I'm going to try and get some professional help too. Thank you all so much, it really means a lot.
  4. Hey everyone, Have you reached a point where you just can't take it anymore, anything and everything is just set to start you on an emotional rollacoasta. I dunno anymore... I'm so tired, I hate my job, I hate my life, If I didn't believe I would have already done it. Dear god it's the only thing holding me..
  5. Thanks June! Yeah it's been awhile since I've worked and I tend to keep to myself except for a small group of people, so there's a really good chance I was reading it all wrong, I think they thought things were fine. But underneath the pressure was slowly building because I wasn't talking enough or saying I'm having a hard time with this or that. Their actually a pretty nice group of old guys, I just felt like I was holding things up or not always reading their tells on when to do the next thing. I feel like now, that I've had time to think on it and talk it over, I should have been more vocal about that, as well as allowed myself to realise hey it doesn't need to be perfect, you're still learning. Hey all the best with your BA as well, I'm glad it's helped to make you feel more motivated too :) I think we just have to keep trying and pushing forward, sometimes it's really hard but I think anything worth having comes with it's challenges. But I would be nowhere without the support of others, so thanks all. I really needed to hear these things!
  6. Boss just called back, can't believe I got a second chance.
  7. Feliks Alvin x Harvey Nelson - Swallow (feat. Mai Fin)
  8. Aww thank you Epictetus <3 Yeah I just wanted things to go well, and they were for a little while. I almost felt overwhelmed a few times but pushed that lump in my throat back down and told myself I could do this, just first day teething problems. My first break came and I was really relieved just to sit down for a moment and gather my thoughts. I knew things were going to change up after my break they had informed me a few times before my break, I think to prep me but I dunno.. I just couldn't get this first roll to work right after I came back and the thought of going through the first 4 hours again overtook me. It feels silly now, had I just pushed past it and kept myself aware this first day was going to be hectic I might have pushed that urge down again and gotten through it. We will see, hopefully I will get another chance but if not just thankful I got a chance to start with.
  9. Thanks Wizardwarrior, That really means a lot, I called my boss back and explained myself. I think I was just struggling because I didn't ask enough questions and I was asking questions but maybe not the right questions, I want to do well and make everything as smooth as possible. I think what I should have been asking is if they can let me know if the next process is ready to be done yet. I know what to do more or less but I have trouble understanding their body language. They almost work on this wink and nod type of deal, when the next process is ready, that sounds pretty straight forward but as someone just coming in, it's a little confusing. Is that them just coughing? or are they wiping their nose? or does that mean yeah okay next process in the chain. I kind of like to know where I stand, and what needs to be done with clear instructions at least until I get a complete hang of how every aspect of the job is done. I just feel a little stupid trying to understand is that nod for hey lets do this now or is that them just I dunno being human. I think I just struggled with it not being clear enough and I should have said something about that. Their just so used to each other that they understand when x happens that y should happen next. It's not the job I don't understand, I think it's just trying to fit into their working environment when it just feels so normal to them, and I hate the idea of putting them out.. like oh ffs now we have to do this just to help this guy. That's probably just issues within my own head, and how I imagine their viewing me. It all seems so silly now, but at the time the pressure just seemed overwhelming. I'm waiting for a call back to see if they can give me another chance but if not I'm just happy they gave me a chance to start with. I can understand their view of it, say they keep me on and it happens again when they don't have the staff to cover me. So either way, I'll accept what's coming - I just panicked and felt like everything was a bit to much.
  10. Hey there Kabuto, Sorry to hear about your situation, I recently ended a long time friendship so I might be able to understand to a small extent. For me at least, I had to accept the fact that maybe they couldn't help me, maybe they were unable to help me. Maybe they had bigger problems going on in their own life which made them incapable of being able to help, even when you needed them really badly. It's hard, I hate to think about it, because I tend to dwell on all that we had been through just to throw it away over (in my situation) something so silly. The way I look at things now/force myself to - Is to see it as something I have to beat, overcome and work towards a better life that I can be proud of and not let their hurtful words define me. That might be more specific to my situation but, I don't know how else to do it, and everyday is a struggle but my other options aren't really acceptable. I would hurt to many people and I know in the end if I keep trying and keep working towards a better life, I know I will be happy, I know things can change, they just never change as fast or as soon as I would like it. I don't know how much that helps Kabuto, but hang in there, tomorrow is another day and this feeling this situation wont last forever.
  11. Hey there everyone, Haven't posted in awhile, but could really use a few words of support. So I started a new job today, trying to get back on my feet and get my life moving again in a positive direction. Haven't been employed in sometime due to depression, anyhow started new job today and man does it feel stressful. It's nothing fancy just packing insulation but the guys that were training me up have been there 15-30 yrs and are very efficient and know how each other works. I was trying my best and apparently doing very well, but it just felt like I couldn't make any mistakes. The insulation comes on this conveyor belt so you can't mess up to much otherwise everything slows down but after 4 hours of this I just cracked aye, I had just gotten used to doing it a certain method then after my first break they changed things up a bit due to a smaller insulation that they had to do and I was a little slow in getting the hang of this new method so my boss took over and I dunno what happened but I just couldn't take it. I walked off the job, I'm thinking of calling them back and explaining myself and seeing if they can give me another chance. I guess it's just been so long since I did some work.. I dunno the pressure just got to me, I'm trying really hard not to slow these guys down and still learn everything at the same time. They were actually very nice about everything, maybe I'm to sensitive and felt like I was just messing up constantly. I dunno.. I'm just so.. I just feel so worthless right now. I wanted this to go really well. I feel like I can't even show my face now. I felt really down after I walked out, I can only say so much but maybe you can get the idea. I'm a bit better now after talking with friends, but god what's wrong with me.
  12. Hey there Shadows, Your title captured my attention straight away, I feel like I can really appreciate what you're talking about. I'm turning 31 this year and have struggled with depression for the majority of my life. Without getting into my own story to greatly, I have been through a few traumatising events that I feel have stunted my ambition or desire for life. Through these events I have learned how to shelter myself and protect myself from people or situations that would do me harm. But through that, I have become very comfortable living in a just get by world of my own. Trying to muster any type of drive to change my situation is like trying to change 10+ years of habit. I almost feel like I need an earth shattering event to give myself a new perspective on life. However in saying that, it gives you a lot of time to watch the world and how things have changed just from my short existence. I would say be careful of FB and most social mediums, we live in a very self serving society in my personal view. It's all to easy to share and post what people are doing these days, what it doesn't show is what's going on behind closed doors. People aren't exactly going to post that their in debit up to their eyeballs, or that their in an abusive relationship, or that their gaming the system, or that work is taking priority over the kids/spouse. I know it's extremely hard not to judge yourself by your peers/friends accomplishments or perceived accomplishments, we are programmed at a very young age not to stand out, that this is the way things are done and that's how you should do it. But real life, comes with many hurdles, bumps, potholes and complete road closures at times. I'm not saying that there aren't those who don't have legitimate success and happiness but for most people I believe it's a struggle. But that's not the type of world that's advertised to us, we see a very progressive and fast paced society that gets things done reguardless of the cost. This in turn (I believe) is filtered down to the majority of people, I think it's easier to care less as long as you are successful and making steps in your own life, than to share the burdens of your fellow man. Forgive me if I'm diving to deep here, I just feel as though we have a lot more things to worry about and to try and cope with. Adding any additional issues or events that the majority of people don't face and I think it can be pretty overwhelming to maintain a life that lines up with societies expectations. I do hold hope close to my heart, because for many they haven't made it, this world overtook what they were able to handle, what people said to them, or what people turned a blind eye to, and for that it's deeply depressing. I take solace that I am still alive and that I still have the chance, at least the chance to make changes and progress to my life and those around me. I think we need to be careful how we evaluate ourselves, while we are of one people (more or less these days) we all have individual circumstances that will and do dictate our progression in life. It's easy to judge yourself against people that have seen success but would you also judge yourself against those who have not? That may sound unusual, and it's probably because it is, why would we measure ourselves against those who haven't seen success but I believe it's only as fair if we are to measure ourselves in such a way. Personally, I would encourage you not to measure yourself in such a way, as it can only bring envy and disappointment in your own achievements and accomplishments. What might be a huge achievement for you, could be nothing for someone else and in this manner we are setting ourselves up for hurt, know who you are and know what it means to complete tough achievements for you, and those who truly understand and accept you will understand what it means to you and be proud of you. Don't stop trying, and don't stop praying. Sometimes we feel as though were completely alone, as though things will never change but if we give in, we might never know what could have been. It's never to late to make a change, even if their just small ones. Stay strong Shadows, I believe in you!
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