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About max_gain

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  • Birthday 06/15/1968

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    Walking, My German Shepherds, Cars, bikes and loads more I cant remeber at present.

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  1. Pregabalin counteracts any general anxiety I have. It’s very effective for me at least. I was diagnosed with BPD and it has no effect on the disorder as such or does it help with any more chronic situational type anxiety I struggle with. Like the kind of anxiety one would struggle with in busy noisy places for instance. I was taken off it some years back, but needed to go back on. Just a 75mg tablet worked wonders within approx. 30 mins. It never relieved all the anxiety, but enough for me to function much better which intern helps with the anxiety. Well for me at least.
  2. I was told by my current psychiatrist to take it all in the morning when I wake, due to its ability to cause insomnia. I am on extended release.
  3. When I worked as a manager in IT I always hid it as best as I could. I would of been mortified if my employers found out as I lead a diverse team in locations across the UK and was responsible for large IT spends and managing budgets. Eventually I had to give it up under the advice of my psychiatrist because the stress was triggering me and exacerbating my depression. I became a postman for approx. 10 yrs. because I still wanted to work so declared my diagnosis (which kept changing over the subsequent years) to the new employer which I was glad about. Had they found out my mental health history on the few long term absences I had to take I would of been sacked. But because it was treated as a recognisable disability they were, let’s say more tolerant. Eventually I was retired and pensioned off by the company which again worked out in my favour because going down the non-disclosure route would of left me with nothing. I sympathise with anyone wishing to find a new job and deciding whether to declare it or not. In the UK you cannot be denied employment on the grounds of disability if you meet the criteria. However, proving you have been side stepped is obviously a much different matter. If you can prove it you have the right to seek legal action.
  4. I just tell them I retired after a career in IT. On the whole this is true, but I usually miss out due to my depression I had to give up the IT career to work as a Postman because I was advised to do something less stressful by my psychiatrist.
  5. I still deal with similar issues many years down the line after suffering depression since childhood. Even some close friends and family still have no real idea of what depression is, how it feels and how it manifests. I try relying on the fact that these people know me, know what I achieved before having to give up my career to do a mundane job, then cease working altogether. I live in the hope that I wouldn't be prejudged when I can’t get out of bed for days on end or can’t walk my dogs (my one saving grace) do housework, cook, bath, take my meds or even clothe myself. I really hoped my family and friends (not all) would see I can be the most productive, funny, enthusiastic and goal driven individual you could ever wish to meet on the more rare occasions I feel better, but some still don’t seem to understand or want to understand. Even my own mother once compared me to my sister who is essentially a very selfish individual and does nothing for her family (that’s an understatement and something I won’t go into because these things often just sound like sibling rivalry or sour grapes) by telling me once she makes allowance for my sister like she makes allowance for me. I never realised anyone had to make allowances for someone struck down with a confirmed diagnosed disability. I do not see myself as disabled, but am aware my mental health does and will often disable me from doing things I would wish to do, so hence it is a disability. But this does still seem to be how some of us are still looked upon. My point is that I hate having a mental illness. It’s not what I am about, but it’s part of me. I do everything to try and lead a near normal existence but it does get the better of me. I feel it’s a very selfish thing to be inflicted with when you see others who suffer with "real illnesses/condition", but this is very real to me and extremely debilitating. And real people very sadly take their own lives because of constantly living in with these mental disabilities, so once again, it’s very real. Most of my friends and some family are very understanding and are intelligent enough to understand I have missed a family get together or had to cancel a meeting with friends because I have been simply too ill to get out of bed, or simply just can’t talk to anyone and realise this is not the person they have been used to knowing all these years. A friend once asked me what it was like to feel depressed. I replied imagine the grief you feel losing a loved one and times that by ten, then sap out all the energy you have to do the simplest task, then you may have some comprehension of what it’s like for me at least. Obviously I can’t explain how any other you guys feel during these horrible episodes. So you’re not lazy or anything else your family have referred to you as. Embrace the better days, which I sincerely hope you get and show them this is not the real you, but just a part of you.
  6. Strangely enough, even during my most chronic and severest episodes of depression, my appetite has always remained unaffected. My ability to cook, make a meal or even get out of bed is a somewhat different story. If it’s put in front of me, I will eat it.
  7. HI there I am going to have to be very brief as I have to shower quickly to make a dentists appointment in about 45 mins time. Your story is so familiar. I have always been called "Over sensitive" by everyone and to be honest being a guy it’s not the kind of thing that helps or I need/want to hear. As for the abuse you suffered, it’s just purely horrible and that’s an understatement. Once is devastating and leaves you in a very disorientated place asking why and what’s just happened, then being left trying to live with the turmoil and devastation. However I can’t perceive having to experience this more than once. I will PM you when I get back. Your absolutely right about the whole diagnosis being overwhelming. But your onto a great start knocking out the substances. Beyond the harm they do to you physically, they just have a very negative affect on the illness, so you must be really proud of yourself. I ALWAYS self-harmed when I was intoxicated. I wanted to do it most of the time anyway, but only really acted when I was inebriated. You mention the dissociation. I only found out at the beginning of the year I do this severely. This was totally unknown to me at the time and now I can see I do it for maybe mins or days and unfortunately I had a bad episode the end of last year and it lasted for about two months. Essentially I lost two months of my life, as people to this day recall things that we discussed or happened and I have no recollection. Anyway, I am sorry to be so brief and glad to see you replied and are feeling more positive. I will talk later Stu
  8. I managed to avoid the "Plague" that is FB or as mentioned Fakebook. It’s the devil’s own creation and a mass marketing ploy to gain and interrogate information regarding your entire lifestyle. I sincerely dread to think where it will lead too in the future. However, I was in some way stupid enough to create an account solely because the dog club I belong too communicate EVERYTHING on there. I was totally despondent feeling forced to have an account having already seen so much devastation and fall out created by imbeciles on FB and the whole place be literally flooded with cretins who insist of publicising EVERY pointless action in their lives. All of a sudden I appeared to gain god knows how many friend invites which I just accepted to be sociable. BIG mistake as all I ever see are attention seekers posting crap 24/7. On a more sinister note. It’s a stalkers paradise. You post everything on there and images of your lifestyle and where you live. These images can have Geo locating data or exifgif data embedded within, which if interrogated by online tools will pinpoint within the metre where the image was taken showing a satellite view from google earth. Fortunately for me I don’t suffer from envy when seeing anyone else’s real/fake happy lifestyles and existence so that’s of no concern to me. All I would personally advise is to choose your friends carefully and lock down your account so only those you trust have access to it and the most important one, don’t post anything too personal. I never look on there anymore and will more than likely delete my account shortly. My whole experience with FB is exactly how I perceived it would be and why I have always avoided it in the first place.
  9. HI there I hope you’re in a better place at the time of writing this. I too have BPD, but also suffer from severe depression and anxiety. My life experiences are similar, but not identical to yours in that I was sexually assaulted, but not penetrated at the age of 12. I used alcohol and self-harm as coping strategies along with other not so conducive ways of dealing with my emotional issues. However I have read and read and read on the theories behind BPD and other more effective coping strategies. I would sincerely advise you to take time off due to the place you currently find yourself in. Stress, perceived stress or any negativity is an instant trigger for me, so if you have suffered to the degree you mention, time off is a must. It will help stabilise your thoughts and mind set and will put you in a much better place if you’re going down the therapy route. I addressed my chronic alcoholism 18 months ago and since, the need to self-harm has not gone away, but has lessened to the point that I have not acted. I drank very heavily since the age of 16 and was fortunate I could tolerate alcohol. I say fortunate not because I was proud I could consume vast amount of the stuff, but it never really effected my life, relationships or career. However during the last two years of solid drinking I started to suffer the typical physical effects of alcohol abuse like waking in a pool of my own sweat, the shakes, having loose motions up to 8 times a day and constantly having accidents, unexplained vomiting even though I felt no hang over and chronic indigestion. Luckily I sought help and managed to kick the alcohol which was a good point to start addressing my issues. I exercised and lost a considerable amount of weight and reduced my blood pressure to the point I am no longer on blood pressure medication which was a combination of the excess alcohol and having put on around 4 stone on top of my once slim frame. Now I mentioned “read” earlier. I personally found it of primary importance to understand the nature of the illness and how I relate to the diagnostic criteria Dr's use to determine we have this horrible illness. Its helped me understand why I am the way I am and how more than likely the depression/anxiety and chronic insomnia that I had as a child (even before the abuse I mentioned) manifested into this form of personality disorder. Medication is only one part of the solution for me. The AD’s, anxiety meds and Mood stabilisers help for sure, but do not assist in relieving my destructive thoughts and inability to regulate my emotional well-being when dealing with real or imagined situations. It’s kind of like the "Fight or Flight" scenario. Mood wise I still cannot predict how I will wake or even be in the next 5 mins, hour, day, week,,, you get the message. I simply try to avoid triggers now. But with life this is almost impossible because even a simple walk with the dog, in what I anticipate to be a quiet, isolated place can turn into an outburst and send my leave me ruminating, upset, severely distraught and totally immersed to the point I can’t see beyond the incident for maybe days on end. Now I am painting a slightly bleak, but this is how I am personally effected. If you look through the diagnostic criteria, its essentially an umbrella term encompassing the whole spectrum of the illness. I could look through the criteria and explain how the splitting affects me, the black and white thinking and perceptions of abandonment and on and on, but more than likely it manifest differently in your situation. Now, although there is an element of bleakness here, since I addressed the alcohol (which helped greatly with the self-harm) life has been so much better. I appreciate if your struggling with alcohol dependency anyone telling you to give it up will simply sound like a total nag. I heard it from everyone over the years, professionals at every level, friends and family and like anyone with alcohol dependency issues it has to come from within. The only thing I can say is that having been in a very similar position to you (I say similar because I have no real idea how YOU feel exactly, but only how I felt during that time) stopping the alcohol was easily the best thing I did to help myself. From there, the meds worked more efficiently, I had more energy, I woke earlier and started to enjoy long walks with my dogs and life become bearable then more pleasant. My psychiatrist asked me once if I wanted to be better and told me I had to help myself. At that time when the whole world is caving in on you and your living in a land of desperation and confusion it’s a bizarre thing to be asked. But now I understand what he was saying. I found it very useful to read up and educate myself like I said as knowledge like in any situation is power. I hope some of what I have said here may be of help. Or give you some understanding of the illness. I have not gone into too many specifics about the criteria I mentioned earlier because they differ between individual and greatly depending on your Gender also. Anyway, best of luck with your journey ahead. I really hope you manage to come to terms with your diagnosis and explore the ways and methods you can try to manage the illness and not let it manage you permanently. I cope, although at times it does still get the better of me. Yet on the whole I am in control now. Feel free to PM me if you want to ask anything at all. I am not medically qualified and would never give any such advice to anyone. But regardless keep us updated on here how you are getting on. Take care Stu
  10. If the psychological route has not been as successful as you would of hoped for, it’s certainly worth exploring medication. Although I agree, it can take time and perseverance to find the right AD for any given person. I have been on many different AD’s over the years. Some were reasonably effective after a couple of weeks, some never worked at all and the current medication I am on was effective almost immediately. In the UK we generally don’t get access to the talking therapies and those of us who warrant it can wait for up to a year or more in some areas of the country. Consequently our doctors first line of attack for anyone showing signs of depression is always medication and if severe enough you will be referred to the local Mental Health Team. They will attempt to try to stabilise you with a course of AD or combination of meds and refer you for psychological therapies. I am currently taking 300 mg Venlafaxine for the depression and 75 mg of Pregabalin for anxiety. A combination which is very effective at keeping both my depression and anxiety reasonably under control. Both these medications gave me almost instant relief when I first started taking them. I certainly would not be able to function without these meds.
  11. I am not qualified to give anyone advice on potential disorders or psychiatric illnesses they may or may not suffer form. However, a lot of the things you mention are common criteria used in the diagnosis of BPD. I have lived with it since childhood and was only officially diagnosed with the disorder after falling out with my Consultant Psychiatrist, stopping my meds and missing appointments. Prior to that I showed what was thought to be classic signs of Bipolar disorder which is a very common mis-diagnoses for individuals who suffer from the BPD, but I never responded well to most of the medication. The consultant who I actually like and have a lot of respect for knew there was something laying behind my constant depression and what appeared to be Manic moods and once I had gone off on a tangent and literally dropped him, his suspicions of BPD were evidently true. For me, the disorder took 14 yrs. in the Mental health service to be recognised as due to being a guy, we don’t seek help and refuse to talk about our problems. I am no exception to this rule as it was a friend that initially got me help and it took 14 yrs. to open up and discuss painful issues and my general view on everything. You need to seek professional help from either a psychiatrist or psychologist or both as the baseline for treatment if you have BPD (which is all I can advise on) is medication for the comorbid symptoms i.e. any additional disorders present like depression, anxiety and mood stabilisers for extreme mood fluctuations and therapy to address the root issues of the disorder and coping strategies. Now people say its impossible to cure and that maybe true in cases, but with the right help, a lot of educating about the disorder and more importantly a lot of effort on the individuals part to want to tackle it, you can vastly improve your outlook. You mention the fact you love individuals one minute and demonise them the next, a symptom referred too as "Splitting". I do this more so for some circles of people than others. For instance acquaintances and work colleagues I do it 100%, but with family and very close friends (which unfortunately due to the nature of the disorder that’s not many these days) I instantly split when I feel attacked, but within a few seconds I am able to rationalise and step out of myself and apply logic to the situation. I start thinking, this is my closest friend Rob, I know by experience he would never do anything to harm or hurt me. Now this process relieves my overwhelming feelings of hurt and hatred by around 80% and I am able to slowly make sense out of what’s just happened and rationalise things. As you see I tend to apply percentages to almost everything. In my world only logic exists. It’s like being a Vulcan ha ha ha. But seriously I use a lot of black and white thinking and grey areas don’t exist for me. I don’t see them, can’t comprehend them and will argue all day and night long to get my point across with anyone that defies my logic, because there can be no other solution to a problem. It’s either 100 % one thing or completely the opposite, its either the right thing to do or not. It’s just that straight forward for me. As far as relationships go, its caused me difficulties, however the disorder manifests in slightly different ways between guys and girls. Now this understanding is what I have both read and been told by qualified specialist so it’s my understanding and obviously not my experience. However I believe girls can become very overbearing and form almost "Instant relationships" which is similar to what you have described. Empathy is a major issue for me as I simply don’t have the ability to feel it. I can fake it and come across as the most caring person you would ever wish to meet. However internally I feel nothing, zero, zilch. A close friend and neighbour who I always had respect for died recently. He was a good buddy, we drank together, helped one another out all the time and had a lot of respect for one another. A couple of months before he died, I split. I could see no logic in what he was doing to himself. He had been diagnosed with a congenital heart defect and was told to change his life style dramatically. This meant cutting down work and stress. All he ever talked about was how hard he was working, how he worked all the time and how busy work was. This served to just annoy me and bore me so I instantly split. In his situation both his wife and him were comfortably off financially and he had several really good pensions due to pay out when he retired in around 2 - 3 years. I basically bored of hearing about his work ethic and was genuinely worried about his health and tried to make him see that he needed to start looking after himself and taking it easier. He went on holiday and died with his wife whilst out walking one day. The week before I had bluntly told him that if he died all his pensions would be worth nothing to him and consider all those years he worked hard to accumulate them and consider they would be worth considerably less to his wife if he died. One day his children came to my property and I knew exactly what had happened, my friend was dead, so I basically faked the shock, sympathy and all that goes with it. I went to the funeral and just watched all his coffin brought in, all the people sobbing and upset. I felt nothing. And I can hardly remember a funeral where I didn’t feel much as in my world death is a natural progression. Now this just scratches the surface of how the disorder affects me and some of the criteria I match for the diagnosis. The term Borderline Personality Disorder is basically an "Umbrella" term which is used to diagnose anyone matching 5 (in the UK anyway) or more of the typical criteria. If you feel you may have some kind of personality disorder of which Borderline is just one within the spectrum of disorders you must ideally contact a specialist. In the UK we primarily see a physiatrist who will diagnoses the disorder, prescribe medication (if necessary) and refer you to psychological counselling. I don’t know where you live so can only explain my experiences in the UK. Anyway I wish you the best of luck in dealing with the issues you are undoubtedly facing. If you are diagnosed or want to know more about it, feel free to contact me. Another trait for me is my bluntness. I am not rude but find it difficult to “sugar coat “ things totally and tend to tell it as it is from my experience or understanding. But once again there is no substitute for professional advice. .
  12. HI there I have taken Pregabalin twice in my life now and on both occasions it worked wonders for me. Absolutely no side effects and almost immediate results. Firstly its was prescribed at 150mm/day and it worked wonders. Unfortunately due to UK NHS savings regimes all psychiatrists were under a government directive to "get almost everyone off meds" where possible. Although I still struggled with anxiety, it was not as severe and I could kind of get by with the milder symptoms. Last year they become beyond unmanageable and had a profound effect on my overall wellbeing so the consultant put me back on it, however only at 75mg/day. In all honesty I did not expect such a low dose to work (and although I do believe in the placebo effect, I have tried enough psychiatric meds in my lifetime to be able to accurately know if they are effective or not) and within half a day my anxiety had relieved by around 60%. As time went on, and I was able to take my back my life and get out and do more, it came down by a realistic 85%, which is probably where I am today. So for me, I not only do I tolerate it very well, but it has a massive impact on relieving my symptom enough to regain my life back to somewhere near normal. Anyway, I hope this help you and best of luck with the Pregabalin if your prescribed it. Stu
  13. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  14. Welcome to DF :)

  15. Hi there, I have been on Remeron for around two and a half months for a history of Bipolar disorder (mainly depressed state) with massive sleep disturbances and anxiety. It has helped me a lot for the depression stage of my illness and the sleep problems. I now take 30mg before I go to sleep. When I first started taking it I just felt really down all the time. I was told it can take six weeks for it to kick in. I know its easy for me to say, but keep in there. It personally took me about eight weeks before the depression lifted. It was weird because after six weeks I started feeling tearful a lot of the time and kind of numb. My community mental health nurse told me that this was probably a sign that the Remeron was starting to work. The Remeron alone has not cracked my sleep disturbance problem, so its been augmented with Olanzipine and I was already taking Sodium Valproate. I am a lot more stable now and my mood has lifted to a pretty normal state. Regards - Stu
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