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About elektro

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  • Birthday 11/19/1986

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    Burlington, WI

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  1. Hello all. I have posted here off and on for the last eight years, but I felt like posting what happened to me very recently. A few months ago, back at the end of 2016, I had my SSRI changed from Celexa to Zoloft, as the Celexa had lost its effectiveness over time. At the same time, I was dealing with very bad depression on account of me losing a job that I felt could benefit me greatly. I ended up taking a job at Amazon, a job I didn't even want in the first place, right as I started the Zoloft. The stress of that awful place, combined with the effects of the drug, was bringing me closer to a breakdown, so I quit that place and started weening myself off the drug. Right when I was starting to get myself in a better state, my niece, who was only 32, died in such a depressing way that the breakdown finally happened. The drug, plus these hard life experiences, drove me so far off the cliff that I experienced a manic episode. It was so severe, I destroyed my car, spent a few hours in jail, and a few days in a mental hospital. I have been struggling to rebuild my life ever since, since now I have to be transported everywhere, and I can't do half the things I'm able to anymore as a result. If I wasn't on the Zoloft, I probably could have handled everything more lucidly, I'd still have my car, and I wouldn't be dealing with this extreme depression I've been battling as a result. Zoloft ruined my life, and now I have to apply for disability just to get back to normal. This is not what I wanted at the age of 30. I hope others are reading this long post, and if it doesn't belong in this section, feel free to move it.
  2. So, it's me again. I posted this a few months ago, but man has it felt like life has gotten so much worse. After losing that job, I searched for months trying to find something else to no avail, to the point that I applied (and eventually got) a job at Amazon. I quit that place because I could not stand the level of incompetence there, to the point that I was taking Voluntary Time Off and not getting paid just so I wouldn't have to deal with idiots who can't even stack boxes, and I've been on the search for another job again for the last two months. Meanwhile, my dad's plumbing has really gone to hell thanks to a paper clog in the pipes that is so bad, I can't even flush the toilet or do my laundry without worrying about wastewater filling up my bathtub (it has happened several times). On top of all that, I found out my niece (my brother's stepdaughter) down in Oklahoma died, with the death currently being ruled a suicide (although it is suspicious enough to be a police matter), this coming after my sister almost killed herself last year. I've been trying to continue doing what I do, but stuff like this keeps happening, and I'm getting to the point where I just don't care anymore. I don't know how much more I can take. I just can't deal with all of this at once, plus my car's brakes are acting up, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. What the hell's the point? People seem to be happy wallowing in their ignorance and cruelty, which is making me angrier and angrier every time I wake up. I have been put on a different med (Zoloft), but how do I know if it's the med affecting me or just all this crap? I have no idea. All I know is lately it has just sucked to be alive in this world, and I'm so sick of trying to crawl out of this black hole only for something else to push me back down.
  3. Wow. I have not been here in a long, long time (checking my account record, my last post was over three years ago). Things had been mostly stable for me in that time, plus I started going to groups every week, but this year has been hell for me. Last month, I thought things were starting to look up: I got a 90-day graphic design internship, with a weekly paycheck, I was doing great work, the people at the place I worked liked my stuff, and I got along with most everybody there. The pay wasn't great (minimum wage in Wisconsin, which is $7.25/hr), and I had to end up getting another car because the one I had for five years was getting too expensive to fix, but other than that things were looking up, and I was saving up for the car payments plus, eventually, an apartment. Then everything went to Hell. Two weeks ago, I got a call from work saying that they "ran out things to do", and when I suggested some ideas I had, they said they "hired a new Marketing Director" and they were "going in a different direction". The whole time I was in stunned shock over what I was hearing, but after we hung up, I went into one of the blindest rages I've had in a long time. I was, and still am, very p*****. No notice, no nothing. It took me months to even get that job after applying for so many others in the meantime, and they let me go for no cause with no notice after a month. A MONTH! Ever since, I have been a combination of angry and depressed. A few months earlier, when I was still looking for work, I went to this one place I applied to check the status of my application, and they were so rude to me that it left a sour taste in my mouth. That plus this recent incident pretty much proved to me that, no matter how much I try to do the right thing when applying for work, employers don't give a and will treat you like pond scum. To that end, I have thought about applying for more work, but my contempt for the process is so great, I haven't. Now I have to find another job to pay for this ****ing car that I only got because I need the transportation, plus I can't save up any money for an apartment and move the hell out of my dad's place once and for all. Waitlists for low income housing are often years, and now my dad tells me he might lose this place. On top of all that, the a******s from the emergency room I checked into three years ago when I last had a breakdown sent my info to collection agents before the ink dried, and I STILL have that on my credit report despite repeated insistance that we payed that bill (which we did...three years ago). I'm sick of being pushed around by the scum of the earth, and something tells me I'm on the verge of another breakdown. To make a long story short, my life really sucks right now.
  4. So, I've been a member of these forums for the past 4 years, but haven't been active in over a year. I think it's time to bring up my story again. I have depression and social anxiety, which I discovered after an ex-girlfriend broke up with me almost 7 years ago. I've been struggling off and on since then, finding ways to cope with it. Believe me when I say it wasn't easy. I've had to deal with thoughts of suicide over the years. I've also been dealing with feelings of being worthless and a burden, and while I still have those thoughts at times, I've learned to control them with therapy and drugs like Celexa and Abilify. My brother died recently after a long battle with Wegener's Granulomatosis, and what's weird is I felt numb about the whole ordeal. Of course, I was sad that my brother is gone and I'll never see him again, but I felt numb about it. I've been wondering why that is, and the only thing I can think of is that he had been suffering for so long that death was his only release from pain. I feel a little depressed that I haven't really felt much of anything about his death, but I don't know what the whole deal is. Why I feel so numb I don't know, and I wish I had an answer to that. In better news, and the reason why I've come back today: I've been working on a comic book with NAMI of Racine County detailing mental illness and a person who struggles with it. After having to deal with my own mental struggles, as well as having a friend with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, I felt like putting those stories into comic form, which I have. The plan is to get a grant to help fund printing costs, and distribute the comic to local high schools, as well as coming to tell my story. I was even interviewed by the Racine Journal Times about it, which you can gladly read about here. I hope that this comic will eventually go national, but we'll see what happens in Racine County first.
  5. I saw the psychiatrist the other day, and in addition to increasing my citalopram, he put me on a prescription of buspirone 10mg. I have no idea how this is going to work out, plus my insurance will run out at the end of this month. I had to cancel a counselling appointment already, plus I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to be able to continue my treatment, considering I feel like I've made some progress lately. So much happening at once, I'm not even sure what direction to go.
  6. It's not really social media I'm addicted to, more the internet at large. When I was trying to find something to do the other day, the first thing I did was search the internet, and even after I found nothing, I continued to search anyway.
  7. Okay, full disclosure: I've been seeing a therapist for the last couple of months, and I've started taking meds again this year after not taking them since 2009 due to monetary reasons. I've been taking Citalopram for depression, and I think it hasn't been helping at all. There are days where I don't feel like doing anything at all, and then there are other days where I have so much energy I don't know what to do with it. Today was one of the latter days. Anyway, I've started to think that I might have something similar to what a friend of mine has: bipolar disorder. I don't know for certain, but I met with a psychiatrist, and he told me to fill out a mood chart or journal every day for a month and he'd take a look at it. He also told me, after I told him about my problems with talking to people, especially in large social situations, that I might have Social Anxiety Disorder as well. That pretty much was obvious to me, though. As an artist who likes to get involved in art shows, I have to at least try to be somewhat social in gatherings, but I always feel so uncomfortable doing so. There is a part of me that likes to be wild, crazy, joke-making and such, but I've been judged on this behavior many times before when I was younger, so that side of me almost never comes out, and I always feel like all eyes are on me when I'm in a situation such as an art opening or a party. But the thing is, I like going to these things regardless, and I do like to meet people, but I hate trying to start a conversation with someone, especially if they are a total stranger. What's really bizarre about this, though, is that I feel the same way on the internet as well, even though the vast majority of people on it I will never see in real life. I've had trouble trying to start this very topic for that very reason, and don't even get me started on social media. The odd thing is that it's through social media and through contact on the internet that a lot of people get their break these days, especially in a field like mine. I want to be able to take advantage of such a medium, but I don't want to look like a self-promoting blowhard at the same time. And that's where the anxiety comes in. My friend also has a similar problem with social situations, and has even described herself as antisocial, but I don't think that's the case with her because she's friendly and polite enough, and I don't think I'm antisocial either, even though I thought I was when I was younger. But I do feel like my social phobia is one of the biggest causes of my depression in the first place, and it's because of it that I have a hard time with job interviews. I feel like I've rambled quite a bit here, but I hope what I'm saying is coming out clear.
  8. So it's been a while since I last posted here. I figure I should give an update on something big things that have happened in the last couple of months. About three years ago, when I first posted on these forums, I made a topic that mentioned a friend that I didn't hear from for six months and had my stuff I loaned her all that time (specifically, this topic). Well, I have found out recently she has some issues of her own: she's bipolar with ADHD. After finding all of this out, plus hanging out with her to cheer her up after some psycho threatened to take her life, I've started getting more of an understanding of behaviors she's had for as long as I've known her. Now, I'm going to be frank here: we're very close, almost to the point of dating. Despite the problems I've had with her in the past, I still like her, and in fact we've gotten even more close because I've learned to stop being angry at everything and everyone (which took several years, I'll admit). However, I know almost nothing about bipolar/ADHD, so I've been learning as much as I can over the last couple of weeks. While she is medicated for the bipolar, she's not for the ADHD, which can make her a bit flighty at times. Despite all of this, I still want to go out with her anyway. I've found her to be one of the most interesting people I've ever met. She's very quirky, funny, a talented painter, and just an absolute joy to be around when I'm with her in person. I must be out of my mind trying to persue this, but let's just say for the first time since I've first met her, she feels the same way, and that's all because I've just been a good friend to her even during some pretty bad moments (like when she had a breakdown a few years ago). Funny how things work out. Of course, I did mention that I had a girlfriend in the last post I made, but that relationship is fizzling out because we really don't have as much in common as I thought. What's weird on that whole issue is that I know exactly how my ex from five years ago must have felt, because it's not that I don't like that girl as a friend or anything, I just don't think we're very compatible as a couple because we just want different goals out of life, goals that just do not overlap.
  9. It's hard to believe that the last time I posted here was about six months ago, but it has and wow has quite a bit changed since that time. I took the advice that someone here and someone I know in real life told me and finally saw a doctor about a lot of this stuff. She prescribed some Celexa, which is what I taking all those years ago. However, because of a little misunderstanding between me, the doc, and the pharmacy (apparently, they do it all via computer now, without handing out a piece of paper to the patient, but I didn't know that because it's been a while since the last prescription I took), I'm not currently on it, and the pharmacy apparently does not have that on hold for me. Fortunately, I will be seeing her again in a week or two, and I will mention this so that I can get back on it. During that same doctor visit, thanks to a blood test I had done, I also found out that I have an underactive thyroid gland, which might explain a little bit of the fatigue I've been experiencing. Fortunately, I'm taking the right pill for that, and this prescription didn't get lost in a massive computer mix-up or anything. On that same line, I've been looking into some sort of counselling service. At the moment, though, I've been waiting to find out how much my insurance will cover on that before jumping in. Still, though, it's something the doc recommended and it's something I know I should do. Outside of medical stuff, I feel like my life has taken a turn for the better since June, even if it's just a small little bit. For example, I finally got a job, but they're substitute teaching positions at two different school districts, so it's on-call, and I've only been called two times, and I accidentally didn't go in the second time they called because I didn't hear my crappy phone ringing. So, I'm still looking for something more permanent. I've also become part of a volunteer board that decides whether certain projects should be funded depending on how they benefit the community. I've only been to a few meetings so far, but I'm planning on getting more involved with it. I've also started hanging out with a couple of people I haven't seen much since college, and not just with the same people I've always been hanging around with. These people, we meet once a week at a bar and play the trivia game the place hosts, and we usually do pretty well, with myself at times answering questions that stump the rest of the team. It's quite a lot of fun, and we almost always win some gift cash that goes toward food there. Not only that, but in 2011, I finally got some things off the ground that I've been wanting to jumpstart for years. Namely, I finally purchased a domain name, as well as server space, and set-up my new portfolio website, and while it's not perfect, it's something that I'm not ashamed to tell people about. Additionally, after several years of Biotching about it, I finally got another car, though my old car had to have a gasket blow for that to be possible. The strangest thing that happened, though, was that at the tailend of the year, I started going out with someone, which I wasn't suspecting would happen. Very few of my friends know that we're going out at the moment because I learned some things from my previous relationship five years ago, namely that things shouldn't be rushed. Sorry for the long, possibly rambling post, but I haven't posted in a while, and I wanted to get as much out there as I could. I'm hoping 2012 keeps looking upward for me like the latter half of 2011. After all, I'm already in talks with a restaurant owner I know who want their menu redesigned, plus a friend of mine now lives in LA if I decide to look west for work, so at least I have some connections elsewhere now.
  10. I first posted here about two years ago when I was just graduating college and had a lot of turmoil in my life (losing my insurance so I had to stop taking meds, no longer seeing my school counselor, having a really hard time finding a job, etc). I've been lurking here since then, but I thought that things were looking up for me for a while, so I never posted. Lately, though, I feel like things are much worse, and I feel like letting it out...again. About two months ago, a couple of things happened: first, I had a bit of an "existential crisis", so to speak. Without going into too much detail, let's just say that I started questioning a lot of people, ideas, and goals that I believed. It also didn't help that I'm looking at how old I'll be in the next few months (I'll be turning 25 in November), and realizing that I have not accomplished as much as I wanted to in that time span. On top of that, my uncle died of a heart attack around the same time, and I feel like my time is getting shorter and shorter because of it (my family has a history of heart and blood clot problems). I still have no job, despite looking almost every day for two lousy years. I had a volunteer thing going for a little while earlier this year, but the D*** thing got cut because there was hardly any traffic, so now I don't have that. I've recently applied to be a substitute teacher in a couple of different school districts around where I live, but because I don't have a teaching certificate and I can't afford to go back to school right now, I had to make due with a substitute permit instead of an actual substitute license. Because of this, I'm not sure if I'll ever get any assignment, and I don't even know how good of a sub I would be (I'm trying for art sub). I know people have been telling me to "think positive" on this whole matter, but the few interviews for jobs I've been called to lead to nothing, and it just leads me to be more bitter, more cynical, and more depressed despite me trying my best efforts not to be. It also does not help when I try to collaborate with someone and the D*** project keeps falling through because the other party doesn't even give me the courtesy to tell me they're dropping out. It's really sad that I can complete a collaboration with someone from England I've never met in person, yet someone from about 30 miles away from where I live just blows me off, even when I try to communicate with them. Just typing this out is making me very angry that people are so ******* inconsiderate. The last couple of days, though, have been worse than usual when it comes to my moods. Some days, while I may be somewhat sad, I'll be in an alright mood. Other days, I'll be so low that I feel like everything is pointless. Last Saturday was like the latter, but worse than usual. I didn't get out of bed until 1 pm (even though I was awake since 10 am), I got a really nasty sinus headache (which I get a lot, especially when the weather changes), and I felt like crap. I felt really p***** off and depressed, hating myself and everything else around me, plus I felt like snapping at people more than usual. On top of that, I contemplated saying, "Screw it. I mean, why not? No one would really give a crap if I disappeared. Nothing's gotten better in the last two years, and nothing ever will. To hell with this useless, pathetic, so-called life." Of course, just typing that out now, I know that not to be the case, as I know people would miss me if I were to go (see what I mean about "mood swings"?) What sucks the most, though, is I think I'm losing enthusiasm for things I used to enjoy. About a month or two months ago, I worked on two very different comic stories, each representing a different side (one was cynical, angry, and dark, the other was light, happy, and fun). Both of these stories were a lot of fun to work on, but they made me realize that my main comic, the one I've been working on for three years, has grown very stale and I don't enjoy working on it anymore. So, with that in mind, after I completed the two stories, I got to work on making a final storyline for this main comic. However, thanks to the sudden hit of lowness from Saturday, plus the fact that I'm working with characters I don't feel like working on anymore (at least in their current incarnation), I've been putting off working on this story. In all respects, this is another one of those things I've been questioning about myself: am I really any good at this art thing? When I was working on the two former stories, I felt proud of them, despite some major hurdles along the way of making them. With this current one, though, I've had a hard time just putting pencil to paper. I would rather work on something else creative-wise, but I don't. I don't feel like working on any art of any kind (story-writing, film-making, comic-drawing, etc), and that makes me sad because I still want to work on those other things, just not this. However, I still want to give this comic a proper sendoff. I'm not sure what to do. What do I do next? I'm sick of feeling anxious, depressed, and moody all the time, and I want to find out once and for all what the hell is wrong with me socially. At the same time, if I make a doctor's appointment, I know that it'll cost me, and without a job, I can't pay for it myself. I hate being dependent on other people, especially in financial matters, but I really feel like something is going to crack if I don't see somebody soon about this. I don't know where I'm at, or even who I am anymore. Sorry if this is long and/or a little incoherent, but I just had to get this off my chest.
  11. I said sometimes. It depends.
  12. Thanks for the birthday message.

  13. Thanks for the birthday greeting.

  14. Happy Birthday :)

  15. Wishing you a very happy Birthday elektro :)

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