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  1. Hi, I ran search to see if there were any Muslims on this forum. I myself am a confused Muslim. I just wanted to reach out and say hi.

  2. I can relate to what you say. I haven't been diagnosed with BPD, but I have been told that I have borderline tendencies. I think many of my issues stem from childhood invalidation. It was sort of a combination of what you say, SailingAway, and what you say, Chasing Sanity. I did pretty well in school, and my father would always ask why I wasn't doing better. I'd try my hardest to do better, sometimes doing the best possible, then I felt like he valued me only because I did well in school. Any sadness I expressed to my parents was seen as weakness, so I eventually kept my emotions to myself. They'd always tell me that I was "too sensitive" and that I just needed to get over things. I felt like any time I brought up what I thought were legitimate concerns, they dismissed what I was saying as inconsequential and dumb. That's part of why I didn't seek help for my issues for so long . . . I was afraid my family would laugh at me, and I didn't want to admit this weakness that they'd look down on me for. When my mother yelled at me, I'd cry, and then she'd yell at me for crying. I'd be like, you fool, I am crying because you're yelling at me . . . yelling at me some more isn't going to make me stop. My parents also didn't really have friends. I've never really had friends, either. In fact, I'm not sure if having a confidante is possible for me . . . I feel like as soon as I confide in people, they run away from me. Best to keep my distance and have no friends. Maybe they were right not to have any friends. But I digress. I'd say a combination of environment and genetics made me the way I am . . . after all, my siblings aren't like this. There was invalidation both at home and among my peers . . . I was made fun of at school. To top it off, I was already nervous around people. I feel ashamed of myself when I speak of my issues, as I do sometimes think of it as "weakness" and think I could do better if I try hard enough, even if the rational side of myself knows that's not true. And I don't trust much of anyone as a confidante . . . I don't want to be ridiculed by others or feel hurt because they avoid me after that.
  3. Thanks for your input, bigblackdog. I did see the therapist a couple of days ago, and I mentioned the situation to her. During the session, she told me something about how in some ways my insecurity is a self-fulfilling prophecy . . . like, because I have a low opinion of myself, I probably create situations and such that make people keep their distance from me. I can see how this is true to some degree, but I feel like how others have treated me in the past has led to my low opinion of myself. Argh, it's complicated. I saw the pdoc earlier this week, and he said I probably have a personality disorder. So now it's somewhat officially confirmed. He doesn't think I have a specific one because a lot of what I have seem to be elements from various ones. Of course, he told me that a diagnosis isn't so important and blah blah blah. I believe that, too, but in some ways a diagnosis is a comfort because it confirms that I'm not just melodramatic and making things up. He explained his reasoning for the personality disorder quite well . . . well, it made sense to me, anyway. Well, now I'm at a crossroads. I have a couple of opportunities to maybe establish acquaintances if I'm brave enough to take the plunge. (It's an unexpected surprise that these opportunities exist, and so I guess I should take advantage of it.) Or I can do what I always wind up doing . . . retreating because I'm nervous and afraid. I freeze up. I don't think I'm capable of taking the plunge, as I always wind up distancing myself when I have opportunities like this. In the past, I've tried to take advantage of them and failed. What would be so different now? If I retreat, I can just fade away as I've always felt I should . . . but it would be a shame to have come this far in life only to give up now. Still, I feel like I'm at a dead end in a maze, and I can't go backward to find another path. Still more food for thought . . . earlier this week, I was impressed when I found myself almost acting like a "normal person." I initiated chitchat with random workers in areas I had to go at work and stuff. Only a couple really, but I never do that. I'm usually so nervous that I just stand there awkwardly and wait for everything to be finished so I can scurry away. It makes me a bit hopeful that maybe I can do this . . . but I don't want to get my hopes up. Every time I do, I always wind up reverting to old patterns. I can't help it. :sad: Sorry for the long ramble. I think I've got it all off my chest now. Congrats on the work thing, Helim! I hope your mood improves soon. Bigblackdog, I hope you're feeling better!
  4. Hi bizzylizzy, rockinron_1, and SailingAway! Glad to have met you! I can relate to a lot of what you say, SailingAway. I had a point in my life where I was bullied a bit, too, and I never told anyone. Bigblackdog, good luck with tonight! The summer semester is almost over, and I've been busy (and will continue to be busy) with grading and whatnot. I'm feeling a bit lost and blah and don't know what to do. I've been feeling lazy for months, and I'll do only the minimum to get by. I find myself sleeping a lot, taking naps even when I've gotten plenty of sleep. There's also an upcoming situation that makes me despair, and now that it's getting close, I'm dreading it. My roommate is moving, and she's really the only person I know here. I've never been able to make friends. I'm afraid that now I'm doomed to loneliness for the rest of my life. I just feel like my life is so useless now. I don't have many friends, and I can't make them. Since I've left graduate school, I've no longer felt any ambition, and I don't know what I want to do with my life nor do I even care about it that much. In the past, writing fiction has given me some hope, but I haven't felt like writing for two months, and I don't even have any ideas for what to write. I've never been in a relationship, and I don't foresee that ever happening for me. And I fear this is all that my life will ever be. I tell myself that there's hope, that I never know what can happen in life, something good will pop up, and all will work out. That seems like I'm deluding myself, though, for the sake of holding on. :sad: I feel like I'm intensely unlikeable and that I'm bothering people if I talk to them. (Not to mention the social anxiety I feel when I try, too.) I feel like this is what I deserve. I feel that, when I do talk around people, especially when I joke (because I have a dry sense of humor but a serious demeanor that can't quite carry it off), I'm making an *** of myself. When I talk to people, I feel like everyone is laughing at me on the inside or thinking about how unlikeable I am.
  5. Hi, ultraviolet! Welcome! We'd love for you to join the club! :cool: Sorry to hear that you've had such a stressful first day of holidays. That's an interesting idea with the e-mail. I could see how e-mailing yourself back and forth could be helpful. I think it's neat! Well, take care.
  6. The same thing happens to me all the time! I'm glad I'm not the only one this happens to. You gave a more vivid description than I could've. When I was in high school, I used to have these intense dreams that turned out to be prophetic. The whole dream would come true, and it would happen a lot. It kind of creeped me out. Now, what happens is much like what you describe . . . at any moment in time, during a snapshot of time, I'll have this dizzying deja vu. I know this has happened before, I will think. Then I'll remember that the same moment happened in a dream. Sometimes, as you say, it's in a different context. I'll feel a bit vertiginous when it happens. Sometimes,a rush of thoughts will come to my head, and I'll remember something bad that happened next in the dream. And I'll think, if I do x, then that thing will happen, just like in my dream. I've never been brave enough to try it, just in case the catastrophic results I dreamed about really do occur. I'm not sure what I think about them . . . there definitely seems to be something prescient going on. Sometimes I like to think that the deja vu means that I'm where I'm supposed to be in life. Maybe it is a warning, too; perhaps it keeps me from completing an action that would've led to the disastrous results in my dream. I don't know the source of the dreams and the deja vu, but it happens to me, too. :wink:
  7. I teach a writing course at a community college. I actually think in words, but I'm bad at vocalizing things. I think clearest when I'm writing. I think I'm more of a kinesthetic learner, meaning I learn best when I do things myself. How's the teaching going, icebaby?
  8. Despite your struggles there is still hope. I ran across this video I hope that it helps.

  9. to everyone I've been feeling suicidal all day, and it's a bit distracting. Mostly because I feel incapable and utterly unlikeable.
  10. Ugh. It seems like I can't do anything right this week. Every time I speak, I get my words all jumbled up. People clearly aren't getting the message I'm trying to convey. I keep screwing up. I always mess up. All I can think is, "I cannot; I cannot. I cannot do this." Well, I'll try to hang in there . . . Sorry to hear that you're feeling down, Girly. Good luck on saving up for the decorating.
  11. I think it's up to the individual whether they want to find meaning in life or not. If not having a meaning in life helps you relax, and you don't mind not having a meaning, then that's how life should be for you. I, however, have always felt like there needs to be a meaning. If there's no meaning, I really don't see the point to me being here. All my life, I've been unwilling to do things that don't have a point, even when I was a child. It's just in my nature, I guess. Even if there is meaning, it doesn't have to be "grand" necessarily. Relaxation in and of itself can be the meaning of life for some people, and that's all right. For myself, though, I've always wanted to have a higher purpose. I don't know why. I think I really am just wired that way or something. But what's the right meaning of life for me isn't the right meaning of life for anyone else. For everyone, the meaning of life is different, and that's as it should be.
  12. Nice to meet you, Every! You're certainly not annoying, icebaby. Thanks for the kind thoughts, all. Well, I just got back from teaching, and I did a poor job. I could hear myself misspeaking and being confusing, even erroneously explaining a concept. I don't know. I feel like I can't do this. I just feel like I don't belong in this world. I can't do anything right. There really is no point to me . . . what few "talents" I have are useless in the real world, and I don't have what it takes to thrive in the real world. I have the urge to do something right now, but I'm trying to hold it in . . . Why do I do this? Why does every mistake make me want to punish myself so extremely? Others don't do that. (Oh, and my roommate did notice; she made a passing reference to "what was under my Band-Aid." Dangit.) to everyone. Sending you well wishes!
  13. I don't know. I have a conflicted relationship with this concept. I don't like to think that it's something completely beyond human control, that it's just my genes. I think part of it ultimately comes back to my relationship with my parents. For some reason, I *want* them to be at least partially responsible. If it's solely biological, then that lets them off the hook. I feel like some of their behavior toward me and each other, when I was a kid, definitely contributed to or exacerbated my issues. I just don't like how self-satisfied they are sometimes, how they think they're blameless. If it's just my genes, then it invalidates all of the emotional hurt of my childhood. Then that doesn't matter, because I would've been like this anyway without it. Then they really are blameless. I do see the comfort in it being a medical issue, it being something you couldn't stop. Perhaps I would feel that way if my parents were different. (They really weren't that bad . . .) Having my parents be partially responsible shows that it isn't something I couldn't help, which is a relief, and also validates how miserable I felt during my childhood, which the solely medical view wouldn't do.
  14. Thanks, Girly. I'm not sure I know what triggers me. I guess it's this feeling of insignificance, failure, and cowardice. I want to prove myself that I *can* do something painful without backing away from it. I want to punish myself for being the terrible person I am. It's because I know that, deep down, I'm worthless. It's actually an impulse I'd had for a week before I acted on it . . . which is weird. I did everything I could for a week not to give in. I dunno. I think the impulse doesn't go away unless I act on it. May as well act on it so it'll go away sooner, right, and I won't have to struggle? So I won't do something far worse later on? Ah, well, I feel like I'm just babbling nonsense . . .
  15. to Helium and everyone. Well, I stupidly I don't want her to think it happened because I was alone in the house, because I would've done it anyway even if I weren't alone. Plus, I will be living alone soon, and I don't want her to think that would be a problem.
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