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Everything posted by xora

  1. So, I was diagnosed with adult ADHD about two years ago. My physician has been trying to get me to go back on medication for my depression in addition to trying one for ADHD. I haven't been taking medication for about 5 years so I was reluctant to go back on them, even though the last two years or so has been hard on me due to circumstances. About three weeks ago I agreed to try meds again but I didn't want to take any for depression, so we agreed to start out with Concerta to treat the ADHD. In the beginning I was having more "better days". Less depressed and able to think more positively. It also helped my concentration but only a little. This was great, but I haven't noticed a major change (I know for some people the difference is like night an day). For the last week the effect has dropped significantly and I've been on 72mg for about three days. It would help a little for maybe an hour or so, and then nothing. After having a talk with my physician yesterday, I jumped to 3x 36mg this morning. So far I don't think I've experienced any major side effects but I was concerned with the lasting effects of taking a stimulant for a prolonged amount of time. Before taking Concerta this morning, I felt something similar to the "brain zaps" I got from the withdrawal effects I had on Effexor years ago. It wasn't nearly as pronounced, and it went away after taking the medication. Should I be more concerned with this or am I being paranoid?
  2. @LaurynJcat, did your friend stay in a particular country in Europe? Or did she travel from place to place? I'm considering a work visa, wouldn't be surprised if teaching English requires credentials for most countries. Under the table jobs sounds like a good option too but I wouldn't know how to got about finding them. I was thinking of backpacking to Costa Rica. Also, could a moderator delete one of the first two posts in this thread? Both are not necessary, thanks.
  3. @Juno, I often go for drives at night. Temporary solution but it helps in a way. About traveling, I already having anxiety problems. I would rather experience that anxiety while doing something that will help me recover. @svendorrian, Those words were meant to describe my own feelings on my circumstances... I don't know your situation but I didn't intend to say anything to upset anyone else.
  4. Looks like I made a double thread. There was a database error and I thought I lost this post so I made a new one. Would a moderator be able to close this thread and keep the other one open? Thanks. @InFlames, none, other than populating an uninhibited, undiscovered island.
  5. Forgive me if this sounds rushed. After typing out a long post and pushing "post topic" I received a database error and lost everything I typed. Hate when that happens. I've been deeply depressed for most of my life. Over the last couple of years it's taken a horrible slide. I fought with MDD, SAD, GAD and ADD. There isn't anyone in my life I feel would understand what I struggle with on a daily basis so I often feel alone. I'm sure some of you can relate. I've been in treatment, have been for several years. I don't think it's enough and what I need is love and support, which I don't have in regards to my depression. I recently turned 33 years old. I would like to **** myself but my beliefs of what lies after prevents me from committing the act. The next option is a lifetime of emotional, psychological and now physical pain. Alone. Third option is to heal. But the rate of my recovery, with the lack of support I need, is too slow. I fear by the time I see any true progress I will have already missed out on my entire life. So this third option isn't so much of an option as it is wishful thinking at best. So I am considering death, regardless of my feelings of what will happen to my soul, as I am already in my own personal hell. I don't want to die, but I don't know how long I'll be able to live with this pain. It will probably **** me anyway. So I'm also considering escape. Travel in itself is healing for the mind. About a month ago I actually just got back from my first trip in many years but it only lasted for one week. While I was away, I could see the potential of a path toward healing. I've been seriously considering extended travel for a long time. Perhaps 6 months or longer. I would prefer a year or two, but I'm uncertain of how to make this happen. I don't have much money. Maybe a bit over $6500 in my savings and I'm afraid to blow it all. I'm a single female, no family or kids. I've never been in a romantic relationship, never had many friends, never had any luck in this regard. I don't think I'm a bad person, but I'm not a happy one. And over the last couple of years I've been having doubts that these things will come to me as people don't want to be around those who are severely depressed. Treatment for my depression has gone as far as it will unless I stay motivated to change my way of thinking. I can't do that while being trapped by circumstance that keep me in the same place. I need to break away if I'm going to have a chance. Is there anyone out there who has gone on extended travel and found a way to do it without putting themselves in debt? Are there any programs out there for people who want to heal themselves on solo extended travel?
  6. I've been deeply depressed and anxious for most of my life but for the last couple of years it's taken a horrible slide. I think I've lost hope in myself. My chest hurts everyday with the emotional and psychological pain I carry. I can't motivate myself to accomplish my goals in life and it spawns an endless cycle of self-disappointment. Physically, I look fine on the outside. When people ask how I'm doing I lie and say I'm fine. Most people wouldn't think anything else of it. When I'm alone I cry until I feel my heart will crumble and I'll have an attack. I recently turned 33 years old. There isn't anyone in my life that could possible understand what I'm going through. I think I need to talk to someone about my feelings but the last thing I want is to be pitied, judged poorly and burden another person. I am in treatment, have been for the last several years. I guess there is only so much a professional can do. I think a change of environment will help me tremendously. For a long time I've been seriously thinking to travel for 6 to 12 months, perhaps longer. I've always wanted to go to Costa Rica, be immersed in nature, try to heal my soul. I've read travel of this nature can be a great way to heal. The problem is that I don't have any money. I probably have about $6500 or more in my savings but I'm afraid to use it all. There must be a way to make this happen. Are there any retreats for people who are severely depressed that doesn't cost an arm and an leg? I was also thinking to try backpacking, although I had a back injury about a year ago and my back hasn't been the same every since. I feel it's either this, suicide, or a lifetime of a dark, lonely depression. Please help.
  7. Thank you for the responses. This is something that's troubled me for a long time and it's hard not to get discouraged. I'm still not sure how to go about explaining my lack of experience without sounding like there is something inherently wrong with me. During my lows I often feel that there is even though on better days I know it's not true.
  8. I'm 32 years old, single female. I've never had a romantic relationship, never kissed a man, never anything. Absolutely no lovey-dovey stuff. I've been on a date once or twice but I really don't count those experiences given the circumstances behind them. I'm not gay nor am I confused about my orientation—which apparently is the next assumption people tend to have. I'm not ugly or unattractive, another option people have online. I want to experience the sort of thing that many take for granted. I've never even held hands with a man. I would like too. It's not like I choose to intentionally be alone. But I'm not very "flirty" and given my social anxiety and clinical depression, I think I often come across as distant. So I'm rarely approached. There was a time where I occasionally considered the option to hire a male companion—just to experience basic things people take for granted. And maybe it would give me confidence to pursue those things with a little less fear. But I never had the kind of money to throw around on something like that, and there's something about the action that doesn't sit well with me. I would like to have a family some day. But if I can't even live this basic life experience during my life, what hope do I have of starting a family one day? I feel cold and alone. Inhuman. And it only feeds how distant I am toward people. Ofcourse, I talk to no one about it because I'd like to be spared any pity. I'm 32. Does anyone have an suggestions for me? Short of picking up a random stranger or slitting my own throat? I would like to experience intimacy even if it is only once. Maybe that would be enough. Not really sure how I can make myself more receptive and trusting of guys. How the hell would I explain my inexperience?
  9. I never really had to cope with what people thought -- I simply found it easier not to tell other black people about my personal struggles. I never really found our community to be supportive anyway in many areas (which is ridiculously sad). As a kid I grew up in a multicultural neighborhood and I've had friends of all ethnicities so I'm comfortable associating outside of the black community, probably more so than within it.
  10. This problem has become a lot worse for me over the years. I just began working in a field that I love but I'm currently unhappy with the work that I'm doing. This is largely due to the depression although several other factors (mostly occurrences at work) play into these feelings. I also feel the same outside of work - it's hard to feel the same joy and zeal when doing things that I love. On the list of yours what works for me the most is exercise. It's already been proven that physical activity is a great combatant for depression as it helps to increase serotonin levels in the brain. For me medication never really worked, psychotherapy helped somewhat as did CBT and lifestyle changes. Music is helpful but as an aid to severe depression I think it has its limits.
  11. I thought I was alone on this. I've been in and out of university and college since graduating high school. I'd always drop out because of severe depression and anxiety. I'd get employment and work for awhile then decide to try school again. But it never really worked out and I'd end up dropping out for the same reasons. I've dealt with MDD and SAD for as long as I can remember and these were the reasons I couldn't complete a program. It devastated me for a long time because I never really had anyone I could talk to about it. I was always an A student but I just couldn't stay long enough without being overwhelmed by major depression and severe anxiety. A few years ago in my late twenties I finally felt like I had a good enough grasp of my depression and anxiety to be able to push through school - so I applied for and received a tuition grant to attend a college program in the field I've always wanted to pursue. It was the first time I had been able to make it so far into the program - nearly graduated with only less than a handful of courses left but I was hit by a severe depressive episode. It's been almost a year and I've been working in my field (while still feeling horribly depressed) but I'm hoping to be able to go back and finish those courses sometime this year. I was also accepted into a degree program at university again but have been wavering on whether or not to do it as I am now in my early 30s. I realize age shouldn't be a factor but I feel I need to be a little more financially secure at this stage. Although I really would like to pursue the degree.
  12. It's been about nine months since I made this thread. Nothing has really changed in terms of how I feel. As much as it scares me I'm seriously considering suicide. My therapist would like to start me on meds again. Unfortunately, I can't afford insurance and it doesn't seem like I'll be covered under benefits in my place of employment any time soon. So that option is not available. I honestly feel inhuman. I have no desire to live anymore. My entire life has been spent in an endless cycle that I just can't break free of. I'm not even sure if I have the capacity to feel happy anymore. I don't have anyone that I feel comfortable talking to about my depression - I feel no one would understand and I'll only be pitied. Is there anything I can do or is this really it? I should either resign myself to a life feeling like this or end the suffering.
  13. Can you be loved if you have major depression? I'm 32 years old and I've never dated or had a relationship. There's a variety of reasons for this but in a nutshell it's mainly a combination of fear and lack of confidence. I've had opportunities but never followed through with them. It's difficult for me to trust people and I know this is another factor. I want to change this and be able to have healthy and loving relationships. I first sought help around ten years ago and was diagnosed with MDD, SAD and GAD. I still see a therapist and as far as relationships go I've always been encouraged to date, but I've also always been extremely hard on myself - telling myself that "I'm not good enough", "No one would want to be with me", "I'm not a good person", "Why would anyone be with me when there are so many better choices out there", etc. Over time I just began to think relationships just weren't meant for "someone like me" - someone so utterly unloveable and pathetic. I'd even look at friends, families, couples and think that will never happen for me and just see myself going through life alone. I punished myself like this for years with this type of thinking and the horrible part is that none of it is true! It was just a lack of faith in myself - I never even gave myself a chance! Fast forward to my present situation - there is a person in my workplace that I think may like me and I feel the same way. At first I didn't want to jump to any conclusions but over time many little things to things that were a bit more obvious reaffirmed my hunch. It seems that people in the office even caught wind of it and occasionally tease him about it. The problem is that I'm having problems believing this person likes me in spite of how clear it seems to be. I feel I need to put a stop this cycle I've been in my entire life and take a chance but the fear seems to be winning out. I've been with this company for about six months and whenever I'm around this guy I try to stay and talk with him but I get scared and eventually need to leave the room. There isn't anyone I can really talk to about this stuff so I brought it up to my therapist - who suggested that I just tell him that I like him. He also gave me an exposure exercise in which I need to talk with this guy for at least 15 mins a day. I really didn't know how I was going to pull this off but the next day I bumped into him and was prepared to give it a shot - but this time he didn't stay and ended up leaving the room. So, now I'm wondering if it's too late. I think he probably just thinks that I don't like him due to me constantly "running away". But that isn't the case at all! Is there anything I can do or did I just screwed up yet another chance because of the fear I've always carried with me? Normally, I would just try to forget about it but I whenever I'm around him I feel something and the idea of throwing that away makes my heart ache. What can I do?
  14. MaddieLouise, thanks for the response. I should probably clarify that I'm not suggesting this applies to everyone. But I was wondering if anyone else had ever been told the same thing or felt this could have been the case with their depression. I definitely don't want to live with this condition for the rest of my life. But I've hit a point where I'm not sure if I can go any further in overcoming it so I need to seriously consider his suggestion. And if I were honest with myself I think there may be truth in the fear of letting it go. Although, I don't think I'm consciously choosing to stay depressed! Yes, I've tried CBT in the past. Perhaps not enough of it.
  15. I have major depression (MDD) and I have lived with it for most of my life. I often feel it will always be with me and I'll never be able to lead a life outside of it. I have tried medication in the past which was never really effective. I also tried therapy and still see a psychiatrist. In my last appointment he suggested that I want to remain depressed - that I only want to not want be depressed. This isn't the first time he's suggested this but I've never really understood how this works... Why would I want to stay depressed? He says it's because I'm comfortable feeling miserable and anything else scares me. If this is really the case why would I do this to myself? Why would anyone do this to themselves? More importantly, how do I break away from this so that I can heal and start living my life? Has anyone else wrestled with the same thing? How does one let go of fear in order to heal?
  16. I'm a black female and I recently turned 32 years old. I've struggled with major depression, social anxiety and generalized anxiety for most of my life. One thing I'll point out is that there's always been a stigma to mental illness regardless of race, age or gender which is a problem in and of itself. I'm Caribbean-Canadian and I was born and raised in Toronto, which is a multicultural city, and in a sense I consider myself lucky - because if I grew up in an all black community I'm not sure if I would've taken the steps I did almost 10 years ago to seek help for my depression and anxiety. It was something I did on my own and I found it hard enough because I was already feeling alone and isolated from other people. There's still plenty of ignorance surrounding mental illness in the black community and considering the attitude it's given, seeking help or just talking about it would've been much more difficult. Personally, I still find it hard to trust people and it isn't something I casually bring up in conversation. Sometimes when I try I would get an incredulous response from the other person because I don't "look like anything is wrong with me". Which is another issue because major depression is an invisible illness. From my perspective the stigma is pretty much the same for women but there are subtle differences in how it's perceived in men and women.
  17. Thanks for the responses. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable telling my boss right now. I don't want to sound pessimistic but because of these comments it seems like I've already been "marked" in a sense and I haven't even said anything about my depression. It's been an ongoing problem for over a decade and I've already tried medication and therapy. I still see a psychologist every month or so but it hasn't helped significantly in a long time. To be honest I'm feeling trapped - it seems like it doesn't matter whether I mention something about my problem or not, it won't result in anything positive.
  18. It's almost a month later and I'm starting to get remarks from my boss. Just the other day I was sitting in his office for a meeting and he made a comment about "my head not always being here". He went on and the way he was speaking(in addition to me already feeling sensitive about the reason behind whatever it was that gave him that impression) made me angry. I didn't tell him the reason; that he was totally mis-reading me and that I've been having problems concentrating because of my depression. And now sometimes he would make remarks out of the blue asking me if "I'm clear" on whatever I need to do. It really pi**es me off. When he first hired me and after I worked there for 2 or 3 weeks he distinctly said I was smart person and now with these remarks it's as if he's saying the opposite. Is there anything I can do or is it downhill from here?
  19. I recently turned 32 and have been fighting major depression and anxiety for most of my life. I managed to see a therapist and psychiatrist through provincial health care off and on over the past several years but haven't had any major break throughs. I have seen improvement over time but the underlining problem remains the same. I decided to come off anti-depressants about three years ago since I haven't been able to find one that was effective for me - it didn't make sense to continue them for this reason while experiencing unpleasant side effects. Last year I started to sink into severe depression, I feel like there's nothing more I can do and this problem is hindering every aspect of my life. I'm not in a position to find a new therapist and I don't want to burden anyone by talking about it outside of therapy. Besides, I doubt anyone would understand and would most likely patronize me with generic comments. I cry all the time. It feels like my heart is being eaten away. It's like I'm sleepwalking and not really awake, detached, observing my own life like a spectator and not really living. I try to accomplish things that would help boast my self esteem but my (social) anxiety has always hindered me in some way and I haven't been able to really do those things to completion. But I am still trying. I don't have relationships, never dated, never even felt like a regular girl even though I know I seem like one on the outside. I keep thinking "maybe someday when I get better", "when I'm a real person", "when I wake up" but at this rate that day may not even come until I'm too old and I'd have missed out on my entire youth, my entire life. I don't want anyone to pity me. I've tried expressing how I feel to someone I once thought was my friend and while she did seem encouraging at times, all I can see are the times she looked at me with pity. At first I thought maybe it's just sympathy but when I think back it distinctly felt like pity. And that's the last thing I want from anyone. My psychiatrist keeps saying I need to date and sometimes I look at him like he has two heads, thinking "really, as if that's the answer to all my problems?" I understand how doing that would help me but at the same time I often feel just so far removed from other people that the idea is laughable. I've been alone emotionally my whole life and when I look at couples, friends, and families a growing part of me believes I don't belong in that picture, that I need to get used to the idea of living a life alone. Utterly and completely even though it's not what I want. I can't live with myself anymore.
  20. In the past I've experienced similar treatment in the workplace. It's as though if you're not outgoing or talkative enough then you're given some sort of negative label, especially if you're new to the job. It's unfair to those of us who just aren't extreme extroverts. In the end, people are going to gossip or find something negative to say about you no matter how well you do your job and regardless of whether or not you're seen as "part of the group" or an "outsider". Personally, I've grown a thicker skin over time and don't particularly care whether or not I "fit in" a certain environment. I go to work, do my job, interact with people I like and maintain a pleasant attitude with everyone. And even so there's always people who'll find a reason to look for faults or negatives for whatever reason. For me, it doesn't hurt to know when to be assertive and not to be afraid to do so when necessary. In the end, just know who matters and don't be pressured by social dynamics - just be yourself.
  21. Thank you for the responses! To be honest, I'm still not sure what to do. If I do say something about it I'll be concerned about how it will reflect on me. Muggles, I agree with you in terms of going in with some sort of action plan or strategy but I can't really think of one that would help me focus or stop my mind from wondering. Ghost_H, I've also had an old boss that I told about my depression and identified with what I was going through. But at the time I was much younger and I felt comfortable enough to say something. I am comfortable telling my current boss but I'm also not sure what to suggest that would help my situation. In fact, there isn't anything anyone can really do to help me so maybe mentioning it might not be a good idea if it ends up working against me instead.
  22. Been debating on whether or not I should tell my current boss about my depression and anxiety. Emotionally, 2012 wasn't a good year for me and while I do my best to hide my misery it's just impossible to do it all the time. People notice - I realize this when I get pats on the back or questions like "are you alright"? I usually smile and say that I'm fine to avoid any uncomfortable conversations. But I'm afraid that it'll start to affect my work. In a way it already has; sometimes I can't concentrate on the task at hand or I forget what it was I needed to do. Also, I often find my mind wondering to horribly depressing thoughts, which only drops my mood and makes it even more difficult to focus. I started this job in early October so I haven't been there very long. But I'm one of the key persons responsible for a major part of a project and I'm working 10-11 hours a day. I cry all the time. It feels like my heart is being eaten away, more hollow with each day. I feel alone and afraid. And what's worse is that I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to be feeling this way. And yet here I am, with this unfathomable sense of hopelessness and turmoil, sleep walking in my daily life, feeling horribly out of place in the world with no future. I have a therapist/psychiatrist. I haven't seen him in awhile but I do happen to have an appointment tomorrow. Although seeing him hasn't really helped me in a long while. I'm wondering if I should let me boss know in case this only gets worse and really affects my performance at work. He actually gave me the impression of someone that would be understanding to this sort of thing. But he also happens to be the owner of the company. Thoughts?
  23. It is pretty draining. Whenever I'm asked "How have you been?" or "How was your weekend?" I find myself having to lie and put on this facade of being just fine. At work it's especially frustrating and usually makes me feel even worse. No one wants to hear anything negative no matter what they say.
  24. Thanks, Broken_girl. I'll try to stay positive. Although, I feel I messed up an opportunity because I gave into my depression and have been withdrawing from everything for the last few months. I'm not sure if I should say anything to my superior about my behaviour or just let it slide and quit. It's a volunteer internship that is located fairly far away from where I live. But I initially decided to accept it because it's for a company I was interested in learning from and maybe even working for. I feel like if I suddenly try to talk to people now after avoiding them for the last couple of weeks I'll still be looked at negatively. I thought maybe I could try to start eating lunch with everyone else instead of on my own but if I do that now after going out to eat on my own for awhile won't I be perceived as desperate? I guess I'm just scared. I've been feeling like sh*t for months and I think my sadness might be showing and I don't want other to be able to see it because the atmosphere is friendly and happy and I'll impact it negatively. When workers are invited to gather for a meeting I don't go because in my head I think well I'm just an intern and not a part of the team anyway.
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