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Everything posted by blueskys_lemondrops

  1. Thanks for the thoughtful replies everyone. I am feeling more aclamaited to the winter but it's a drag none the less. Back to work tomorrow, I hope everyone had an alright weekend.
  2. Right now things really stink, feeling very depressed . I moved from the desert to a winter climate, and the change is feeling harsh. I contracted a cold which isn't alot of fun. But I noticed my depression is very high right now. I'm taking my meds and also using acupuncture to heal. It's slow, but very fortunate it's something. Anyways, the winter months have never been easy on me, this weekend has felt stagnant due to having a cold. Better days ahead.
  3. As long as small strides are made im quite happy as well. Ive given up a few things that do not aid my depression, and held on to some things that do. Basically i feel terrible at this time but know it wont last forever, im glad to be feeling anything and out of a numbness pit. Taking my meds every morning, trying to keep up on my goals. Life is simply okay, and i wont add any suffering to that fact.
  4. Just a passage I wrote about healing... it takes a very long time... I hope this proves helpful. I hope my brain heals fully... healing from depression, It limits my vocabulary to one word... DAMN. I still believe I can recover, I'm not niave enough to believe life is free of pain, grief, and let down. Depression is a demon all on its own. Its simply cant be swept under the rug. It cant be explained away, it cant be wished back into oblivion. I hold onto the fact nothing lasts forever... Good people exist We come into life with a purpose I remember that its not always severe I'm reminded there are good times yet to be had I havent cracked the code, but.. tomorrows another day Beauty exists, although I may now be blind to it. The heaviest loads are given to the strongest of souls. I dont deserve this, but I will make it through the night. And the day that awaits will be the sweetest yet. Please be patient with me while I am healing. I may say things out of place or that are senseless Sometimes I wonder... what is wrong with me? I might be distant, and forget alot... Please be gentle... ive been through alot I am stronger for it, and better for it But I am also weary. Thank you, I love you Please forgive me.
  5. Im sorry anyone struggles in such a way. I simply don't have words anymore. Thanks for your heartfelt reply, it matters!
  6. Today its hard to seenthe silver lining. I am tired of people being rude and insensitive, tired of being imbalanced in my mind. I'm tired of having to explain things, and a big part of me wants to isolate from it all. Why is my life so painful all the time? Why do I feel so used up and misunderstood? I am wrestling with quite a sadness and it simply hurts. Im sorry, but nothing important seems to matter right now.
  7. Thank you Oscar, believe it or not your response means the world.
  8. I'm depressed today, aching and doubtful. I dont know when it will get better. I really could use some small words of encouragement. Bless.
  9. Dam, so many emotions and desires. So much to say, so much mixed feelings. I want to say to myself and any soul locked in depression... your pure. I know you cannot feel it, sense it.. but you are pure love.. im so sorry your going through this, bearing the brunt of hell dam everyday. But you are strong.. and you will be revived. I want you to know this! You will smile again, you will feel the warmth of the sun once again, you will laugh and cry and spill your soul again. Just remember this in the dark hours.
  10. Whats depression feel like? Your lucky not to know. Its like seeing the world through a window pane, watching from the outside looking in. Obscurity and lurking in some shadowy place. Its a creepy, dark, and daunting place. Its taxing, like an investment without return. Its when your neurons don't work. Misfire, futility, its hard. Your heads kicked into overdrive. Your eyes on the prize, but you keep slipping back. Its when nothing matters. You keep fading, falling, finding no redemption. Its a dead end street, a flowerbed where dreams refuse to blossom. Its anger, its sadness, emptiness, pain. Its relying on others to tell you what is real. What's proper, and what is worthwhile. Depression.. an open wound that keeps growing Like a blight that killed the potatoes in Ireland. Like the colonization of the natives of America. Its sorrows cousin, the black sheep of lost love. It's present in this mind, and it tries to convince me I am related to it. But no... I am not you depression, I am much more than what you take from me, I am much broader than the space in my mind you inhabit. I am smart, funny, creative, kind Talented, critical, lucid, deep thinking I am musically inclined, blessed, annointed A poet, a seer, and a worthy human being I am all of these wonderful things. I have tried to learn from you, tried to befriend you, I have even tried to diminish you and say you are no longer a threat. Truth be told I am endlessly determined to outgrow you, outlive you, and see you wither. And I will. I will, I will, I will. Depression is a terrible disease, perhaps we can together make a collective diffrence in eradicating this mental virus, or... in the very least, end the stigma and blame surrounding this issue. Take care of your mind, take care of your emotions, take care of your body, and please, like my cousin says, "be good to yourself." #mentalhealth #depression #endthestigmaofmentalhealth #PleaseShare
  11. Yes, its one of my own. Not the picture though.
  12. I hate seeing your soul sad, Near everytime you open up It wouldn't even be half bad, Yet all you want is hope for us It's like this love is all you see, And so it pains you when we don't Yet it is your rarity, That gifts the object of this poem I hate seeing your soul sad, Adrift when there are works to do Smiles to give, laughs to laugh, Hopes to share, and points to prove May ambiance discover you.. Like fire sweeps the meadow's grain Reignite the dampened flame To have you dancing in the rain I hate to see your soul sad.. My missions now to cheer you up Find an oasis in the sands, Where you may rest and fill your cup
  13. I think (and im excercising some ideas here) based off experience. Ive always viewed depression as a ball of influences and feelings and thoughts. Like a clog in the sink effects the plumbing when the ball gets oversized it starts effecting your whole system.. it sounds like your default is moderatly happy and clear, thats really great! I think like any other condition we have to do what we know is effective for treating it and changing ourselves so it isnt experienced so profoundly. For me that means writing, excercise, interacting, and taking time to process my emotions and thoughts. Ive always been introverted in that sense. I keep alot within and with held. I am fiercely creative, so usually when I stop expressing and creating i can stagnate and get depressed. Even sharing things like I am now helps me develop a resilliance towards depression. I dont know if it ever goes away, but i have loved moments where I have had no awareness of it. Like being on the height of adventure.. Right now i think my brain is healing from years of severe depression, id have episodes where it literally felt my brain was turning to mush. It took a miracle to begin the process of healing and many more to get where I am now, but i have faith that one day I wont struggle with depression, my hope for you is that you will join me in having this sense of optimism. Its hard work, and we have to learn what we can about ourselves. I have learned anger needs an outlet, sadness needs an outlet so not to be dammed up and cause depression. Ive learned i need to take my meds, and take better care of my needs. Ive learned I have to take risks, but not be careless. And ive learned healing takes time and patience. I hope this helps in your knowledge seeking. Thanks for asking this question.
  14. I havent checked in on DF for quite awhile. I wanted to wish each of you who observe the holiday an awesome day. Most of us are on some level quarantine and likely wont see family or friends in the same way as years prior. Let us not forget the true meaning of Easter, which I feel applies to this terrible terrible condition of clinical depression. Even in the midst of great depression, Christ came to me and made a way in the wilderness. In a way, his ressurection is the power that issued my own. I am so grateful for this second lease on true life. His love shines through every cell in my body today and I am feeling the Easter spirit. If your mind becomes your enemy today and says "noone cares, I am not important" I'd like you to know it's a lie. You are invaluable in his eyes. Once more.. Happy Easter and sending love and gratitude to Depression Forums as a whole! -Blueskys
  15. Still writing music and poetry to cope and feel accomplished. Thanks for providing a venue to share. Ode to Anti-Depressant The strength of your presence Shoots up in my mind Oh anti-depressant You are divine! Collapsing in capsule Substance ready to spill You make me feel healthy Much more than a pill I enjoy your effects Soothing my troubled brain Cooling my neurons Once burnt and inflammed My how you work wonders Like rain in the desert A sunbeam in storm Oh Anti-Depressant! You aid my sorrow You aid my pain To write out an ode Praising you once again!
  16. I'm happy to say my mood has been improving. I have the opportunity and am relocating soon to the Southwest. Really looking forward to getting out of the cold snowy midwest and having a new environment. Very grateful for the coming change of pace. Being in this enviornment is tough, although Im sure I'll miss some of its perks like friends and events. Just an update on depression and its good to feel more stable, two weeks ago I had to go to ER for worsening symptoms. Back on increased meds, mixed with better self maintainence and Im moved from a daily 4 to a 6 or 7.. Im learning about my depression through daily interactions, and doing my best to counter its vicegrips. Fortunatly I have alot to be grateful for and look forward to. Cheers to all my friends and peers here on the forums. Love you guys and the caring community here.
  17. What are we doing here? Helping each other understand. Understand and navigate through the complex, dark, hard going disease that is depression. Yesterday (the whole few weeks actually) was a breaking point for me. My innards were burning, I was restless and defeated, I went to the ER with the help of a family member to explore some better treatment options. Doing this made me feel better and also made me a little more hopeful. I feel like I showed that part or myself that was suffering so much Mercy. I had been bearing and trying to be strong for a very long time. I am again taking a good dose of medications. but still its going to take time to be stable. Its important to admit that I need help, and that my pain had become unbearable. I think sharing our weakness gives us strength (with the right set of ears) I'm going to keep going and doing my best to keep my head high. There are alot of helpers in this world. Love you guys! Thanks for reading my post. -Blueskies
  18. My depression tonight is more like a melancholy and Im happy about that. I distanced myself from a destrictive relationship, proudly so. Im makong progress and my mom reminded me of that, the key now is this... to keep going. Keep pushing my comfort zone and making steps towards freedom. I feel able to focus better, still taking 3 meds. Im trying to get my own place, and Ill do it, its just taking time and patience and a lot of energy. So the silver lining seems to be widening.. i remember years ago I would have terrible downward spirals at night, log on here and vent.. it helped alleviate the dispair. I couldnt drink, I couldnt smoke, I didnt like to be open about myself. Things are completely different now I realize and I am finally not suffering so terribly. Thats real change, and unfortunatly to our expectations, real change takes a terrible amount of time and effort. I hope each of you take pride in your baby steps and strides, even if its only to make up ground from yesterday, your putting in work. I hope everyone has an easier holiday season then last year and find at least a couple of enjoyable moments, smells, sights, or silence. Merry Christmas everyone. Blueskies Ahead. -Blueskys
  19. First off im not a novice to the game of depression. Its been a plague on me almost my whole life, especially these last 8 years. Its not something Im proud of, its not something im unproud of. Ive reaches a point with it that it just is. Its there, been there, might stay there. The only way Ive found that has helped me through the depression and brought me closer to bringing in a depression free day is just that.. right through it. Its fire folks.. it feels like hell.. but if I am to be free of it, I gotta face it. I gotta face the fact there are better options than powerlessness and sulking.. i can face the fact that if i suppress my emotions and desires ill get swallowed. Depression isnt "nice" its quite the opposite.. the demon wants to rage.. i should make a time and space for it to do so. Thats what treatments about, its about finding a rhythm that can act like a circuit breaker in the depressive loop. Its being crafty and using all you have left (maybe more) to face the pain of daily living. Its support, TLC, its medication and the daringness in us to continue. Its taking the next step, praying when your not sure if you even believe in anything. Fighting a shadow that never gives in. Its crying, trying and trying and trying, only to try again It is enduring folks.. but luckily we have time. We have time to pace ourselves in our purge and overcoming.. we must have patience and foster it within ourselves. We must have a true desire to leave the misery behind and an undaunted willingness to find and embrace the roads out of depression. I do believe from my own experience there are paths out. Theres a place for you and him and her. Theres a familar feeling of hope that wants to radiate within your chest. Theres a mind that wants to expand and feel what the Earth feels when kissed by the sun. Its still there, buried perhaps, but its there. Dont you give up. Dont. Give. Up. You will find a way through, its inevitable, just trust and have patience. Your going to make it through today, and tomorrow morning, and the afternoon and then night. Its not gonna be fun, its not gonna be pleasent or easy or entertaining. Its gonna suck the life outta you, but thats not the end of you is it? Cause your still here. your still battling, fighting, winning and losing aside, your still here. And the value of that goes so far beyond what words convey, the value of you is worth more than silver, gold, and platinum. You are important.. you are so important, and any attempts the world has tried to convince you otherwise is garbage. Worn out shoes, week old lettuce, used bandaid, garbage. Let it go. Let go of the shame.. you are not made to feel shame, or guilt, or depression. You are made to prosper and blossom into something good. Something better, something fuller. Take heed and gather strength when you can, let loose and decompress when you can, your never alone on your journey because Ive gone and am going through it too. Your never forsaken either. I know what your thinking, will it really change?? I say to you YES. it will change, it will improve, it does get better. Locked or trapped or stuck, under rubble or abyss.. there is hope. Because I am and have made strides in overcoming this disease, the most impossible of them all. You can too. Be ready for change and a better life ahead. You are loved by me and all who are coming out the thick of it. How could it be diffrent? Keep going!!! keep going!!! keep going!!!!!
  20. This is a good technique I have been using when I take my medication in the morning. (Also can be used in all sorts of proactive activities) before I take my pills I give the medication the task and title of being "destroyer of depression" When I do this the medication works for me and not agianst me. I have identified depression as a harmful and unneeded ailment, and I have given myself the knowing of the benefits of my medication. Its a good way to not dread the medication and not have a label on yourself for having to take them ie) weak, pill popper etc... We take our meds because they have proven to benefit us. Why not embrace it and discard all the stigma related to taking a pill? It makes me have a healthier attitude towards doing what I know will improve and sustain my mood. Plus "destroyer of depression" is pretty bada$$ !! Please dont condemn yourself for having to take medication that aids in sustaining or improving your mental health. Please take good care of your mind and vessel without shame! You can ascribe your own title or intention when you take the pill, it helps my attitude and gives me reminder the pills are working for ME throughout the day.
  21. I dont wanna be a loner any more. I dont want to be a lonely loser or a pathetic prince. A depressed mess, no no, not for me. I want to make peace with these aspects but also not have to reflect on them so often. I want to allow myself the honor of being in good company, feeling good, and being loved. Lifes not easy.. but that doesnt mean i have to carry this burden. I want to be free of the weight of isolation. I wanna be part of something great, something widespread and important. Something exciting, something daring and sexy. I want to live my life without sadness and regret, without shame and pain. I want to be baptizes in the cool waters of lake minnetonka (lol) and swing from monkey bars. I wanna be completed, not defeated. Im almost there. I am just learning to surrender to the flow and follow my lifes plan.
  22. Im glad I can come here and talk about whats on my mind. Today I feel a sense of pointlessness, its so familar. I feel lonely, i feel a sense of uneasiness and hate. I feel sad and unwanted. These feelings intermix with my positivity and joy, my hopeful outlook and willingness, they taint them and make them feel mucky. I keep having this idea im supposed to be perfect, a good example, and an inspiration. I cant do a whole lot today tho.. my mental skips to 10 diffrent spots, never really feeling like it has completed a task. Its okay though, im a strong person, i grew up in this depressive school and im gonna graduate, i think the world around me gets me down as much as my internal struggles these days. There is an empty feeling here. It doesn't shine or sparkle like it used to, its grey and the people are often brooding and upset.. I want to get back to having a good sense of compassion but often I am angry. Angry at myself and others for not living up to some stupid standard of reality. Im missing the mark and it doesnt seem to feign many. In spite of all this I maintain a sense of hope and gratitude, the fact i have capacity for these feelings is a sort of gift in itself, even though being sensitive can really seem to screw me. I know I am gonna get free. I know things wont stay grim forever. I know I have outlets to improve my mood. I really wish the same for all of you, I really wosh healing and hope for myself as well. Its been a long road, thanks for letting me leak a little air out the tires of my tale.
  23. Trying, failing.. trying.. caring.. not caring.. tired.. weak.. lonely.. full of zeal.. faltering... faithful.. faithless. no, name.. basis.. man i hate this, cannot fake this. racist realist spectrum.. done.. then pick it up again.
  24. Why are some people so good, and some people so bad... and where do I fall in this mix? Is depression a punishment, a genetic predisposition, why is it so difficult to overcome and defeat? Why are we here, and why is it so hard to maintain and sometimes enjoy life here? Is there anything true in this world? Why do so many come and go, live and die, without reaching something greater, are we birthed only to struggle and die? So many questions in my mind tonight, the answers are out there, or maybe my personalized definition of them, but still... they remain elusive. Why battle so hard trying to make sense of life, what drives us forward, why do we do it? -blueskies
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