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About blueskys_lemondrops

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 10/04/1991

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    Snowboarding, graffiti, guitar, music production, building character, service work, helping others, teaching, learning, exercise, being a kid

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  1. No need for apology! Thats great you have a friend and that shes sweet and cute. Thats great you are seeing the sun beyond the clouds. Your doing really well in that sense, congratulations!
  2. Yeah not so easy when dealing with the ol depressive heap! Yet Its been worling today using my imagination and visualization. I just imagine my life taking a new direction, using the word "happiness" I wonder.. I say to myself, what would that look like? What would that feel like? This strange happiness sensation. Ill bet it feels good and free and purposeful. Ill bet it feels positive and excited and gratitude. Then I wonder even more, like a discovery quest.. What would I do if I were happy? Well.. I would probably be enjoying myself, maybe making music, maybe doing a duty that made me proud, perhaps writing and listening and sharing. As I do this exercise I begin to ease up, I begin to recollect and open myself to the possibilities of joy and lightheartedness. The hopeless, heartbroke, worrysome one in me takes a leave of abscense, I feel pretty cool with this. Its nice to sweat it out and not think about it.. its nice to be me. Happiness.. what does it mean? What does it feel like? Is it accessible.. now? -Blueskys :)
  3. Shedding the soggy skin of neptune In layers, my heart peels wider This terrain is difficult, but I am equipped Sad and heavy, lonely and misinterpret Its not so new to me, this lonesomeness Everyday it gets wheeled off the cart And into the shop of this life I lead This life I lead.. yes, this life I lead Somber today, like drizzling rain That magnifies an old souls pain That brings the urge to leave for good Abandon cause and greet the woods The woods are aged, and free from sin It's trees are old and understand The weariness of wayward feet It's branches spur and prosper peace I love to sit on solid stones and dive on through a murky tomb I long to die and leave this world But think I'll try to make it grow Thats what our mother Earth might do Despite the pains we put her through We love our things, and run from her Do we not see what love she stirs? Are we so violent and obtuse This villiany has taken root With malice our sharp shovels dig To excavate a place to sit Im going to sit, ponder, and sink Though wont betray the urge to drink I am so sad today, it hurts Yet even sadness bears its perks
  4. Since, well, about a decade I have had struggles with depression ranging from sadness to extreme bouts. December 2018 I recieved delieverence in Christ and had the oppurtunity to begin climbing out of what looked like chronic depression. A little over 6 months later here are some findings and perspectives I have on happiness. I was thinking about recovery and the slow nature of it, how so many (me too) view it to be a process of beginning and end. I dont think its true and that the journey of life constitutes the journey of recovery. Life always has another faucet, challenge, raceway even, to learn and explore; another pinnacle to reach, another pitfall to ascend from. It literally is awesome and totally sucks at the same time, the lack of stopping point. As humans we all want stability and an underlying happiness, we all want to lead a meaningful life. Through my own growth and practices I have come to understand that depth is not synonomous with happiness. Intelligence I feel the same way. I took my depression and pain and placed sprituality on the other side like a perfect anti-thesis. It really does help to have a practice/tradition that brings happiness and increases faith. It makes us more real and pure, but not perfectly happy. As I sit in my room typing this after whats been an increasingly enduring week, I am not longing for happiness from sprituality, Im not hungry to beat myself up over lack of happiness. I am not so starved for an accolade, although I hope you take something from this. I'm here envisioning what a life might look like that I am content with. That I wake up and breath in and agree with. That isnt such a battle and road to more of the same. To bridge the gap with this life I strove for and where I am is going to take focus and toil, its gonna take relaxation and acceptance. Its gonna be difficult, yet doable. My path and passion is not yours, you see. It is not his or hers, its my own. Working to balance all these attributes in my mind is alot to take on. What brings me the most joy is expressing my truth and enabling others to do the same. I want to lead by example, I want to show a diffrent side of life to myself because I long for change and perpetual freedom. One thing for sure, happiness, contentment, joy.. they take work, time, investment, they are such a pleasure to have, sometimes a chore to maintain, and to lose them always hurts. To live life in the aims of a dream is daunting, but if we work hard one day we may see the fruits of our labor. Lets keep going depression forum. Lets encourage each other to rise from the ashes and get to a higher altitude. Life is full, empty, exciting, dull, life is painful and dreary, it can also be rapturous. Lets help one another to make it through, provide what we know, theroize what we dont, and just be earnest and work hard towards progress. If you are crippled today with fear doubt and grief, you have a friend in me and I want in your core to let the conviction of life remain. It has kept us here this long and although we flounder, it does not wish to see us fall. Thank you all for allowing me to share.
  5. Ugh I feel like I have this, my mind has been so nuts. I need to get myself checked in fpr this condition cauae I cannot think straight. I thought I just uad depression but Im really struggling and alot of mood swings, low aelf care.. It sucks:( I just cant be at peace like this.
  6. Im speaking for myself of course. thanks for the contribution of insight Quentin.
  7. Yeah the picky analyzer is not a fruitful approach, quite the opposite. Just give yourself room to breath, albeit hollow breaths, give yourself the mercy of being miserable. It sucks, it stinks.. its life.. the tradgic comedy will roll on.
  8. Thank you braveheart, I love your screenname.
  9. I never thought Id see the light of day, or feel it, or that my mind would blossom again. Its been a long lonesome and sometimes endurable pathway.. I had to apply alot of protective layers to my thoughts and mind.. but now the armor is dropping off me and I am feeling again the life moving thru me. Its actually quite electrifying! I will always try to be an aid because depression is so painful and heavy. It gets better in time and treatment. As do we.
  10. If noone has recognized you as special or loveable today I will take the time to say "you are special" and "I love you"
  11. So depression really leaks into every aspect of life, it is painful lonely and hard to bare. Its hard on our mind especially over long courses of unlifted depression. This little paragraph is an ode to mind and just trying to understand it. Depression hurts, and I am sorry for the pain of it all. Depression tools.. slow it down... down.. down... thats better. Your mind is low, in the gutter, it isnt behaving. Thats okay.. let it be there. Say "okay I hope you feel better, we will meet up later buddy!" let your mind rest and restore. Let it wallow, let it sink.. its afraid.. as are you.. its okay. Just let it be. Let it be rebellious, let it be awful.. just let it be.. it needs time alone to recalibrate. Its okay to check in from time to time, spend some time with it, but dont cling, dont grip like a safety device. My minds a hard one to deal with, a hard nut to crack, we need our time apart. when Im ready Ill put my thinking cap back on, but for now Im just gonna share and rest. Dear mind of mine, dream well.. you may just wake up to a brighter, happier world. ❤🧠❤
  12. Hello brothers/sisters thanks for encouraging words, I think it's beautiful that you are making strides in self acceptance, me too, know it is slow painful process, with moments of clarity between low gaps. I feel better today.. I feel better today. And it is my own evolution and understanding I long to embrace. It's so hard to be full.. so when I am I make attempts to spill it over into others lives. Suffering sucks. Depression, bite me. It is like living in a coffin, so I know it just plain sucks and painful. I really love you guys/gals. I do feel heroic cause I hung in their so long, now I'm making strides and it actually means real maturity. I wish I could help more.. I actually am (with help) making brochure of mental health awareness and hope to distribute them to some clinics and people in need. There is the pain of mental health decline, and the compassion that comes for others as I climb out. In this sense it was a gift to sink so damn low.. I hope you dont despair, especially from lonesomeness, I love you guys and I hope I can contribute more. It really chokes me up to look at what I've experienced, how so many others have lost hope for recovery, and that I Know in my heart of hearts it is possible. Be well and reach out.. we are not forsaken.
  13. Attempting to heal from my self induced "cold world" syndrome. I feel elated one moment, then In the dumps. I have few things set in motion right no, no job, no interest in the outside world. I feel pretty inept and worthless. I am taking meds but I always feel this gaping hole in myself.. It feels like I'm two faced and it makes me feel kinda sick inside. Society is, imo, crap. Keep in mind I'm venting, they are just alot of Aholes.. I would love to find a place of belonging here but man is it dumb when the depression deprives you of peace and happiness. It feels like lifetimes since I've felt "colorful" and okay with my life. Another thing that's giving me grief is my masculinity. I am bisexual and I keep pushing this away due to Christian belief system.. in the bible they say it is a disgrace to sleep with another man, an abomination. I never have but I think if I could better accept the fact I'm gay or Bi it would aid me in not being ashamed. Sorry for the lengthy spastic post but I need to get going in life. Thank you, and good day.
  14. It's the worst man.. the swings of self doubt and guilt, and then getting pulled back in again. It's a waste of time fosho. I am trying to distance myself and its not going well I just need her to leave me alone..
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