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About blueskys_lemondrops

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  • Birthday 10/04/1991

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    Snowboarding, graffiti, guitar, music production, building character, service work, helping others, teaching, learning, exercise, being a kid

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  1. Typing from a first perspective although I feel many of us share these perceptions and feels. I Don't believe depression makes me less of a person, less worthy to chase my dreams. Perhaps less able (yes it is debilitating) but noone is holding me down, it is just more of a struggle for me to focus. I get distracted easily, I can't focus. I get sad and melancholy on a regular basis, I can't speak and need alot of time to myself. Does this make me less? Does this make me unworthy for a life I dream of living? I don't think so... I think we are all unique.. we are are diffrent and the same as well. Unique because our paths vary, our life blueprint varies.. yet, we all have the same needs, depressed or no. We all strive for meaning and purpose, we all eat, crap, and drink. We all grow discouraged and stray from what's right for us. We all settle, we all work in the best way we know. Life takes so much time to get in order, depression is such an ailment that causes the flow to vanish. The flow of our lives gets all damned up and blocked and now we don't know where or what to do. Now we feel stuck and unseen, we feel like ghosts. Well my ghostly friends, don't vanish from the Earth okay? Don't stray into the unknown. Stay here with us and see if we can build something. Build a relationship, build a house and home. Depression is destructive, it destroys our will to live, it infects us, so to say. How can I understand this darkness and emptiness? How do I not feel so haunted and grey. Well.. If I know anything I know we need to develop a passion for healing our past, our current dramas, and future. I know I have this emptiness, this void... I want to understand these sensations and drive out the ones that thrive off the darkness... I think its a call into a different dimension of understanding. It's not some stock depression I endured, it's heavy and vast and extremely confusing and complex; sticky if you will. Whenever I feel I triumphed it's a whole new inning of the ball game, another phase and hurt, it's really quite sickening. Yet, we keep going! No matter how low and close to the edge we get, we keep going and persevere. We are not less because we are stricken, but instead we are stronger. We get so tired with this burden, yet we keep going and maybe in the future this weight will lessen, the curse will lift and we will take strides. It doesn't make us less everyone, to be sad, to bare weight, to feel crushed. We are gonna get through the thick, maybe to another thick, maybe to a deeper well.. still we have moved, we are in fact not stuck, we are lost and finding ourselves slowly. Slowly slowly, the stream ebbs and flows into a greater stream. It's so painful, but we are used to the pain and will triumph in the end. We are feeling defeated, but defeat loses it's associated fear over time... it's just another loss that we have to deal with and grow from. I have compassion for everyone struggling with the things I have struggled with. I feel your pain, I know your emptiness, I know it feels completely fruitless. Keep going and never give up. I day will come where you see your progress, and you'll look back and smile. You'll smile cause you have made true progress... true, it's not the way you dreamt it, or saw it happening, but you will feel it in your bones and smile... "I am not the same" "I have made progress". We are no less than others, and also no more.. we all fight on this playing field of life and I am wishing you triumph in your daily struggle with this illness. ONWARD! -Blueskys
  2. Dudes I swears I mix myself up.. why is life so damn hard these days, and what do I have to do to overcome this depressive curse? Its like everyday my brain is screaming at me and I dont know what for.. i need to make changes and explore treatment options but I been this way so long my parents who I stay with just see me a lost cause. I'm 27 and lonely as it gets... sigh this part od myself always takes over and I wanna integrate it, I dont wanna see me.. and my depression.. I just wanna see me depressed and cohesive with that. Why am I so unhappy? Probably cause life is so hard work. Probably cause life is not this cut and paste way we often percieve it to be.. there are many reasons to be depressed, but why is depression so often more acceptable than joy? Im tired... and restless.. im done and surrendering.. this mountain never moves and I never do either.. I Dont wanna be miserable anymore it blows. I DONT WANNA FEEL THIS WAY. LOUSY AND LET DOWN... IM GONNA THROW A FIT DUDE. SOMEONE THROW ME A ROPE, AN INSULT, A BEAT TO SPAZ ON. IM DONE.
  3. No need for apology! Thats great you have a friend and that shes sweet and cute. Thats great you are seeing the sun beyond the clouds. Your doing really well in that sense, congratulations!
  4. Yeah not so easy when dealing with the ol depressive heap! Yet Its been worling today using my imagination and visualization. I just imagine my life taking a new direction, using the word "happiness" I wonder.. I say to myself, what would that look like? What would that feel like? This strange happiness sensation. Ill bet it feels good and free and purposeful. Ill bet it feels positive and excited and gratitude. Then I wonder even more, like a discovery quest.. What would I do if I were happy? Well.. I would probably be enjoying myself, maybe making music, maybe doing a duty that made me proud, perhaps writing and listening and sharing. As I do this exercise I begin to ease up, I begin to recollect and open myself to the possibilities of joy and lightheartedness. The hopeless, heartbroke, worrysome one in me takes a leave of abscense, I feel pretty cool with this. Its nice to sweat it out and not think about it.. its nice to be me. Happiness.. what does it mean? What does it feel like? Is it accessible.. now? -Blueskys :)
  5. Shedding the soggy skin of neptune In layers, my heart peels wider This terrain is difficult, but I am equipped Sad and heavy, lonely and misinterpret Its not so new to me, this lonesomeness Everyday it gets wheeled off the cart And into the shop of this life I lead This life I lead.. yes, this life I lead Somber today, like drizzling rain That magnifies an old souls pain That brings the urge to leave for good Abandon cause and greet the woods The woods are aged, and free from sin It's trees are old and understand The weariness of wayward feet It's branches spur and prosper peace I love to sit on solid stones and dive on through a murky tomb I long to die and leave this world But think I'll try to make it grow Thats what our mother Earth might do Despite the pains we put her through We love our things, and run from her Do we not see what love she stirs? Are we so violent and obtuse This villiany has taken root With malice our sharp shovels dig To excavate a place to sit Im going to sit, ponder, and sink Though wont betray the urge to drink I am so sad today, it hurts Yet even sadness bears its perks
  6. Since, well, about a decade I have had struggles with depression ranging from sadness to extreme bouts. December 2018 I recieved delieverence in Christ and had the oppurtunity to begin climbing out of what looked like chronic depression. A little over 6 months later here are some findings and perspectives I have on happiness. I was thinking about recovery and the slow nature of it, how so many (me too) view it to be a process of beginning and end. I dont think its true and that the journey of life constitutes the journey of recovery. Life always has another faucet, challenge, raceway even, to learn and explore; another pinnacle to reach, another pitfall to ascend from. It literally is awesome and totally sucks at the same time, the lack of stopping point. As humans we all want stability and an underlying happiness, we all want to lead a meaningful life. Through my own growth and practices I have come to understand that depth is not synonomous with happiness. Intelligence I feel the same way. I took my depression and pain and placed sprituality on the other side like a perfect anti-thesis. It really does help to have a practice/tradition that brings happiness and increases faith. It makes us more real and pure, but not perfectly happy. As I sit in my room typing this after whats been an increasingly enduring week, I am not longing for happiness from sprituality, Im not hungry to beat myself up over lack of happiness. I am not so starved for an accolade, although I hope you take something from this. I'm here envisioning what a life might look like that I am content with. That I wake up and breath in and agree with. That isnt such a battle and road to more of the same. To bridge the gap with this life I strove for and where I am is going to take focus and toil, its gonna take relaxation and acceptance. Its gonna be difficult, yet doable. My path and passion is not yours, you see. It is not his or hers, its my own. Working to balance all these attributes in my mind is alot to take on. What brings me the most joy is expressing my truth and enabling others to do the same. I want to lead by example, I want to show a diffrent side of life to myself because I long for change and perpetual freedom. One thing for sure, happiness, contentment, joy.. they take work, time, investment, they are such a pleasure to have, sometimes a chore to maintain, and to lose them always hurts. To live life in the aims of a dream is daunting, but if we work hard one day we may see the fruits of our labor. Lets keep going depression forum. Lets encourage each other to rise from the ashes and get to a higher altitude. Life is full, empty, exciting, dull, life is painful and dreary, it can also be rapturous. Lets help one another to make it through, provide what we know, theroize what we dont, and just be earnest and work hard towards progress. If you are crippled today with fear doubt and grief, you have a friend in me and I want in your core to let the conviction of life remain. It has kept us here this long and although we flounder, it does not wish to see us fall. Thank you all for allowing me to share.
  7. Ugh I feel like I have this, my mind has been so nuts. I need to get myself checked in fpr this condition cauae I cannot think straight. I thought I just uad depression but Im really struggling and alot of mood swings, low aelf care.. It sucks:( I just cant be at peace like this.
  8. Im speaking for myself of course. thanks for the contribution of insight Quentin.
  9. Yeah the picky analyzer is not a fruitful approach, quite the opposite. Just give yourself room to breath, albeit hollow breaths, give yourself the mercy of being miserable. It sucks, it stinks.. its life.. the tradgic comedy will roll on.
  10. Thank you braveheart, I love your screenname.
  11. I never thought Id see the light of day, or feel it, or that my mind would blossom again. Its been a long lonesome and sometimes endurable pathway.. I had to apply alot of protective layers to my thoughts and mind.. but now the armor is dropping off me and I am feeling again the life moving thru me. Its actually quite electrifying! I will always try to be an aid because depression is so painful and heavy. It gets better in time and treatment. As do we.
  12. If noone has recognized you as special or loveable today I will take the time to say "you are special" and "I love you"
  13. So depression really leaks into every aspect of life, it is painful lonely and hard to bare. Its hard on our mind especially over long courses of unlifted depression. This little paragraph is an ode to mind and just trying to understand it. Depression hurts, and I am sorry for the pain of it all. Depression tools.. slow it down... down.. down... thats better. Your mind is low, in the gutter, it isnt behaving. Thats okay.. let it be there. Say "okay I hope you feel better, we will meet up later buddy!" let your mind rest and restore. Let it wallow, let it sink.. its afraid.. as are you.. its okay. Just let it be. Let it be rebellious, let it be awful.. just let it be.. it needs time alone to recalibrate. Its okay to check in from time to time, spend some time with it, but dont cling, dont grip like a safety device. My minds a hard one to deal with, a hard nut to crack, we need our time apart. when Im ready Ill put my thinking cap back on, but for now Im just gonna share and rest. Dear mind of mine, dream well.. you may just wake up to a brighter, happier world. ❤🧠❤
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