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About blueskys_lemondrops

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 10/04/1991

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    Snowboarding, graffiti, guitar, music production, building character, service work, helping others, teaching, learning, exercise, being a kid

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  1. Still writing music and poetry to cope and feel accomplished. Thanks for providing a venue to share. Ode to Anti-Depressant The strength of your presence Shoots up in my mind Oh anti-depressant You are divine! Collapsing in capsule Substance ready to spill You make me feel healthy Much more than a pill I enjoy your effects Soothing my troubled brain Cooling my neurons Once burnt and inflammed My how you work wonders Like rain in the desert A sunbeam in storm Oh Anti-Depressant! You aid my sorrow You aid my pain To write out an ode Praising you once again!
  2. I'm happy to say my mood has been improving. I have the opportunity and am relocating soon to the Southwest. Really looking forward to getting out of the cold snowy midwest and having a new environment. Very grateful for the coming change of pace. Being in this enviornment is tough, although Im sure I'll miss some of its perks like friends and events. Just an update on depression and its good to feel more stable, two weeks ago I had to go to ER for worsening symptoms. Back on increased meds, mixed with better self maintainence and Im moved from a daily 4 to a 6 or 7.. Im learning about my depression through daily interactions, and doing my best to counter its vicegrips. Fortunatly I have alot to be grateful for and look forward to. Cheers to all my friends and peers here on the forums. Love you guys and the caring community here.
  3. What are we doing here? Helping each other understand. Understand and navigate through the complex, dark, hard going disease that is depression. Yesterday (the whole few weeks actually) was a breaking point for me. My innards were burning, I was restless and defeated, I went to the ER with the help of a family member to explore some better treatment options. Doing this made me feel better and also made me a little more hopeful. I feel like I showed that part or myself that was suffering so much Mercy. I had been bearing and trying to be strong for a very long time. I am again taking a good dose of medications. but still its going to take time to be stable. Its important to admit that I need help, and that my pain had become unbearable. I think sharing our weakness gives us strength (with the right set of ears) I'm going to keep going and doing my best to keep my head high. There are alot of helpers in this world. Love you guys! Thanks for reading my post. -Blueskies
  4. My depression tonight is more like a melancholy and Im happy about that. I distanced myself from a destrictive relationship, proudly so. Im makong progress and my mom reminded me of that, the key now is this... to keep going. Keep pushing my comfort zone and making steps towards freedom. I feel able to focus better, still taking 3 meds. Im trying to get my own place, and Ill do it, its just taking time and patience and a lot of energy. So the silver lining seems to be widening.. i remember years ago I would have terrible downward spirals at night, log on here and vent.. it helped alleviate the dispair. I couldnt drink, I couldnt smoke, I didnt like to be open about myself. Things are completely different now I realize and I am finally not suffering so terribly. Thats real change, and unfortunatly to our expectations, real change takes a terrible amount of time and effort. I hope each of you take pride in your baby steps and strides, even if its only to make up ground from yesterday, your putting in work. I hope everyone has an easier holiday season then last year and find at least a couple of enjoyable moments, smells, sights, or silence. Merry Christmas everyone. Blueskies Ahead. -Blueskys
  5. First off im not a novice to the game of depression. Its been a plague on me almost my whole life, especially these last 8 years. Its not something Im proud of, its not something im unproud of. Ive reaches a point with it that it just is. Its there, been there, might stay there. The only way Ive found that has helped me through the depression and brought me closer to bringing in a depression free day is just that.. right through it. Its fire folks.. it feels like hell.. but if I am to be free of it, I gotta face it. I gotta face the fact there are better options than powerlessness and sulking.. i can face the fact that if i suppress my emotions and desires ill get swallowed. Depression isnt "nice" its quite the opposite.. the demon wants to rage.. i should make a time and space for it to do so. Thats what treatments about, its about finding a rhythm that can act like a circuit breaker in the depressive loop. Its being crafty and using all you have left (maybe more) to face the pain of daily living. Its support, TLC, its medication and the daringness in us to continue. Its taking the next step, praying when your not sure if you even believe in anything. Fighting a shadow that never gives in. Its crying, trying and trying and trying, only to try again It is enduring folks.. but luckily we have time. We have time to pace ourselves in our purge and overcoming.. we must have patience and foster it within ourselves. We must have a true desire to leave the misery behind and an undaunted willingness to find and embrace the roads out of depression. I do believe from my own experience there are paths out. Theres a place for you and him and her. Theres a familar feeling of hope that wants to radiate within your chest. Theres a mind that wants to expand and feel what the Earth feels when kissed by the sun. Its still there, buried perhaps, but its there. Dont you give up. Dont. Give. Up. You will find a way through, its inevitable, just trust and have patience. Your going to make it through today, and tomorrow morning, and the afternoon and then night. Its not gonna be fun, its not gonna be pleasent or easy or entertaining. Its gonna suck the life outta you, but thats not the end of you is it? Cause your still here. your still battling, fighting, winning and losing aside, your still here. And the value of that goes so far beyond what words convey, the value of you is worth more than silver, gold, and platinum. You are important.. you are so important, and any attempts the world has tried to convince you otherwise is garbage. Worn out shoes, week old lettuce, used bandaid, garbage. Let it go. Let go of the shame.. you are not made to feel shame, or guilt, or depression. You are made to prosper and blossom into something good. Something better, something fuller. Take heed and gather strength when you can, let loose and decompress when you can, your never alone on your journey because Ive gone and am going through it too. Your never forsaken either. I know what your thinking, will it really change?? I say to you YES. it will change, it will improve, it does get better. Locked or trapped or stuck, under rubble or abyss.. there is hope. Because I am and have made strides in overcoming this disease, the most impossible of them all. You can too. Be ready for change and a better life ahead. You are loved by me and all who are coming out the thick of it. How could it be diffrent? Keep going!!! keep going!!! keep going!!!!!
  6. This is a good technique I have been using when I take my medication in the morning. (Also can be used in all sorts of proactive activities) before I take my pills I give the medication the task and title of being "destroyer of depression" When I do this the medication works for me and not agianst me. I have identified depression as a harmful and unneeded ailment, and I have given myself the knowing of the benefits of my medication. Its a good way to not dread the medication and not have a label on yourself for having to take them ie) weak, pill popper etc... We take our meds because they have proven to benefit us. Why not embrace it and discard all the stigma related to taking a pill? It makes me have a healthier attitude towards doing what I know will improve and sustain my mood. Plus "destroyer of depression" is pretty bada$$ !! Please dont condemn yourself for having to take medication that aids in sustaining or improving your mental health. Please take good care of your mind and vessel without shame! You can ascribe your own title or intention when you take the pill, it helps my attitude and gives me reminder the pills are working for ME throughout the day.
  7. I dont wanna be a loner any more. I dont want to be a lonely loser or a pathetic prince. A depressed mess, no no, not for me. I want to make peace with these aspects but also not have to reflect on them so often. I want to allow myself the honor of being in good company, feeling good, and being loved. Lifes not easy.. but that doesnt mean i have to carry this burden. I want to be free of the weight of isolation. I wanna be part of something great, something widespread and important. Something exciting, something daring and sexy. I want to live my life without sadness and regret, without shame and pain. I want to be baptizes in the cool waters of lake minnetonka (lol) and swing from monkey bars. I wanna be completed, not defeated. Im almost there. I am just learning to surrender to the flow and follow my lifes plan.
  8. Im glad I can come here and talk about whats on my mind. Today I feel a sense of pointlessness, its so familar. I feel lonely, i feel a sense of uneasiness and hate. I feel sad and unwanted. These feelings intermix with my positivity and joy, my hopeful outlook and willingness, they taint them and make them feel mucky. I keep having this idea im supposed to be perfect, a good example, and an inspiration. I cant do a whole lot today tho.. my mental skips to 10 diffrent spots, never really feeling like it has completed a task. Its okay though, im a strong person, i grew up in this depressive school and im gonna graduate, i think the world around me gets me down as much as my internal struggles these days. There is an empty feeling here. It doesn't shine or sparkle like it used to, its grey and the people are often brooding and upset.. I want to get back to having a good sense of compassion but often I am angry. Angry at myself and others for not living up to some stupid standard of reality. Im missing the mark and it doesnt seem to feign many. In spite of all this I maintain a sense of hope and gratitude, the fact i have capacity for these feelings is a sort of gift in itself, even though being sensitive can really seem to screw me. I know I am gonna get free. I know things wont stay grim forever. I know I have outlets to improve my mood. I really wish the same for all of you, I really wosh healing and hope for myself as well. Its been a long road, thanks for letting me leak a little air out the tires of my tale.
  9. Trying, failing.. trying.. caring.. not caring.. tired.. weak.. lonely.. full of zeal.. faltering... faithful.. faithless. no, name.. basis.. man i hate this, cannot fake this. racist realist spectrum.. done.. then pick it up again.
  10. Why are some people so good, and some people so bad... and where do I fall in this mix? ๐Ÿค” Is depression a punishment, a genetic predisposition, why is it so difficult to overcome and defeat? Why are we here, and why is it so hard to maintain and sometimes enjoy life here? Is there anything true in this world? Why do so many come and go, live and die, without reaching something greater, are we birthed only to struggle and die? So many questions in my mind tonight, the answers are out there, or maybe my personalized definition of them, but still... they remain elusive. Why battle so hard trying to make sense of life, what drives us forward, why do we do it? -blueskies
  11. Typing from a first perspective although I feel many of us share these perceptions and feels. I Don't believe depression makes me less of a person, less worthy to chase my dreams. Perhaps less able (yes it is debilitating) but noone is holding me down, it is just more of a struggle for me to focus. I get distracted easily, I can't focus. I get sad and melancholy on a regular basis, I can't speak and need alot of time to myself. Does this make me less? Does this make me unworthy for a life I dream of living? I don't think so... I think we are all unique.. we are are diffrent and the same as well. Unique because our paths vary, our life blueprint varies.. yet, we all have the same needs, depressed or no. We all strive for meaning and purpose, we all eat, crap, and drink. We all grow discouraged and stray from what's right for us. We all settle, we all work in the best way we know. Life takes so much time to get in order, depression is such an ailment that causes the flow to vanish. The flow of our lives gets all damned up and blocked and now we don't know where or what to do. Now we feel stuck and unseen, we feel like ghosts. Well my ghostly friends, don't vanish from the Earth okay? Don't stray into the unknown. Stay here with us and see if we can build something. Build a relationship, build a house and home. Depression is destructive, it destroys our will to live, it infects us, so to say. How can I understand this darkness and emptiness? How do I not feel so haunted and grey. Well.. If I know anything I know we need to develop a passion for healing our past, our current dramas, and future. I know I have this emptiness, this void... I want to understand these sensations and drive out the ones that thrive off the darkness... I think its a call into a different dimension of understanding. It's not some stock depression I endured, it's heavy and vast and extremely confusing and complex; sticky if you will. Whenever I feel I triumphed it's a whole new inning of the ball game, another phase and hurt, it's really quite sickening. Yet, we keep going! No matter how low and close to the edge we get, we keep going and persevere. We are not less because we are stricken, but instead we are stronger. We get so tired with this burden, yet we keep going and maybe in the future this weight will lessen, the curse will lift and we will take strides. It doesn't make us less everyone, to be sad, to bare weight, to feel crushed. We are gonna get through the thick, maybe to another thick, maybe to a deeper well.. still we have moved, we are in fact not stuck, we are lost and finding ourselves slowly. Slowly slowly, the stream ebbs and flows into a greater stream. It's so painful, but we are used to the pain and will triumph in the end. We are feeling defeated, but defeat loses it's associated fear over time... it's just another loss that we have to deal with and grow from. I have compassion for everyone struggling with the things I have struggled with. I feel your pain, I know your emptiness, I know it feels completely fruitless. Keep going and never give up. I day will come where you see your progress, and you'll look back and smile. You'll smile cause you have made true progress... true, it's not the way you dreamt it, or saw it happening, but you will feel it in your bones and smile... "I am not the same" "I have made progress". We are no less than others, and also no more.. we all fight on this playing field of life and I am wishing you triumph in your daily struggle with this illness. ONWARD! -Blueskys
  12. Dudes I swears I mix myself up.. why is life so damn hard these days, and what do I have to do to overcome this depressive curse? Its like everyday my brain is screaming at me and I dont know what for.. i need to make changes and explore treatment options but I been this way so long my parents who I stay with just see me a lost cause. I'm 27 and lonely as it gets... sigh this part od myself always takes over and I wanna integrate it, I dont wanna see me.. and my depression.. I just wanna see me depressed and cohesive with that. Why am I so unhappy? Probably cause life is so hard work. Probably cause life is not this cut and paste way we often percieve it to be.. there are many reasons to be depressed, but why is depression so often more acceptable than joy? Im tired... and restless.. im done and surrendering.. this mountain never moves and I never do either.. I Dont wanna be miserable anymore it blows. I DONT WANNA FEEL THIS WAY. LOUSY AND LET DOWN... IM GONNA THROW A FIT DUDE. SOMEONE THROW ME A ROPE, AN INSULT, A BEAT TO SPAZ ON. IM DONE.
  13. No need for apology! Thats great you have a friend and that shes sweet and cute. Thats great you are seeing the sun beyond the clouds. Your doing really well in that sense, congratulations!
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