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blueskys_lemondrops

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About blueskys_lemondrops

  • Birthday 10/04/1991

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    Male
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    Minnesota
  • Interests
    Snowboarding, graffiti, guitar, music production, building character, service work, helping others, teaching, learning, exercise, being a kid

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  1. It's been some time since posting and visiting this website but there is always a reason behind timing. I guess over the past years my relationship to depression has changed quite a bit. From something crushing I was destined to live with to a more hopeful approach and slow healing. It feels like I have lived with this disease my whole life and perhaps that's true. Certainly my whole adult life. I've been through a lot of phases and tried so many avenues to try and feel better and to understand as well. In this time I've changed alot. Yes, I still carry the burden of depression and it's mixed bag of doubt guilt and hopelessness. I am also strong and gifted in several areas. I've made alot of strides and created some worthy things in the process. I am still on the journey to health and wellness. I am still seeking to be and feel the best I can. I came from a very hopeless situation and to be able to emerge however slowly I have always considered a miracle. I'm not often happy but I am very proud of myself for the strides even if my mind wants to discredit them. Sometimes I wish I could just break down and cry and let these years of struggle pour out my eyes and be over with. I still struggle with the past and have difficulties. I believe we all do, especially those who live with depression. I'm glad to be a part of this community. It has giving me an outlet to anchor my thoughts. I think each one of you are worthy of happiness and joy, however small the dose. Thank you for reading this... The journey continues.
  2. Thanks for the thoughtful replies everyone. I am feeling more aclamaited to the winter but it's a drag none the less. Back to work tomorrow, I hope everyone had an alright weekend.
  3. Right now things really stink, feeling very depressed . I moved from the desert to a winter climate, and the change is feeling harsh. I contracted a cold which isn't alot of fun. But I noticed my depression is very high right now. I'm taking my meds and also using acupuncture to heal. It's slow, but very fortunate it's something. Anyways, the winter months have never been easy on me, this weekend has felt stagnant due to having a cold. Better days ahead.
  4. As long as small strides are made im quite happy as well. Ive given up a few things that do not aid my depression, and held on to some things that do. Basically i feel terrible at this time but know it wont last forever, im glad to be feeling anything and out of a numbness pit. Taking my meds every morning, trying to keep up on my goals. Life is simply okay, and i wont add any suffering to that fact.
  5. Just a passage I wrote about healing... it takes a very long time... I hope this proves helpful. I hope my brain heals fully... healing from depression, It limits my vocabulary to one word... DAMN. I still believe I can recover, I'm not niave enough to believe life is free of pain, grief, and let down. Depression is a demon all on its own. Its simply cant be swept under the rug. It cant be explained away, it cant be wished back into oblivion. I hold onto the fact nothing lasts forever... Good people exist We come into life with a purpose I remember that its not always severe I'm reminded there are good times yet to be had I havent cracked the code, but.. tomorrows another day Beauty exists, although I may now be blind to it. The heaviest loads are given to the strongest of souls. I dont deserve this, but I will make it through the night. And the day that awaits will be the sweetest yet. Please be patient with me while I am healing. I may say things out of place or that are senseless Sometimes I wonder... what is wrong with me? I might be distant, and forget alot... Please be gentle... ive been through alot I am stronger for it, and better for it But I am also weary. Thank you, I love you Please forgive me.
  6. Im sorry anyone struggles in such a way. I simply don't have words anymore. Thanks for your heartfelt reply, it matters!
  7. Today its hard to seenthe silver lining. I am tired of people being rude and insensitive, tired of being imbalanced in my mind. I'm tired of having to explain things, and a big part of me wants to isolate from it all. Why is my life so painful all the time? Why do I feel so used up and misunderstood? I am wrestling with quite a sadness and it simply hurts. Im sorry, but nothing important seems to matter right now.
  8. Thank you Oscar, believe it or not your response means the world.
  9. I'm depressed today, aching and doubtful. I dont know when it will get better. I really could use some small words of encouragement. Bless.
  10. Dam, so many emotions and desires. So much to say, so much mixed feelings. I want to say to myself and any soul locked in depression... your pure. I know you cannot feel it, sense it.. but you are pure love.. im so sorry your going through this, bearing the brunt of hell dam everyday. But you are strong.. and you will be revived. I want you to know this! You will smile again, you will feel the warmth of the sun once again, you will laugh and cry and spill your soul again. Just remember this in the dark hours.
  11. Whats depression feel like? Your lucky not to know. Its like seeing the world through a window pane, watching from the outside looking in. Obscurity and lurking in some shadowy place. Its a creepy, dark, and daunting place. Its taxing, like an investment without return. Its when your neurons don't work. Misfire, futility, its hard. Your heads kicked into overdrive. Your eyes on the prize, but you keep slipping back. Its when nothing matters. You keep fading, falling, finding no redemption. Its a dead end street, a flowerbed where dreams refuse to blossom. Its anger, its sadness, emptiness, pain. Its relying on others to tell you what is real. What's proper, and what is worthwhile. Depression.. an open wound that keeps growing Like a blight that killed the potatoes in Ireland. Like the colonization of the natives of America. Its sorrows cousin, the black sheep of lost love. It's present in this mind, and it tries to convince me I am related to it. But no... I am not you depression, I am much more than what you take from me, I am much broader than the space in my mind you inhabit. I am smart, funny, creative, kind Talented, critical, lucid, deep thinking I am musically inclined, blessed, annointed A poet, a seer, and a worthy human being I am all of these wonderful things. I have tried to learn from you, tried to befriend you, I have even tried to diminish you and say you are no longer a threat. Truth be told I am endlessly determined to outgrow you, outlive you, and see you wither. And I will. I will, I will, I will. Depression is a terrible disease, perhaps we can together make a collective diffrence in eradicating this mental virus, or... in the very least, end the stigma and blame surrounding this issue. Take care of your mind, take care of your emotions, take care of your body, and please, like my cousin says, "be good to yourself." #mentalhealth #depression #endthestigmaofmentalhealth #PleaseShare
  12. Yes, its one of my own. Not the picture though.
  13. I hate seeing your soul sad, Near everytime you open up It wouldn't even be half bad, Yet all you want is hope for us It's like this love is all you see, And so it pains you when we don't Yet it is your rarity, That gifts the object of this poem I hate seeing your soul sad, Adrift when there are works to do Smiles to give, laughs to laugh, Hopes to share, and points to prove May ambiance discover you.. Like fire sweeps the meadow's grain Reignite the dampened flame To have you dancing in the rain I hate to see your soul sad.. My missions now to cheer you up Find an oasis in the sands, Where you may rest and fill your cup
  14. I think (and im excercising some ideas here) based off experience. Ive always viewed depression as a ball of influences and feelings and thoughts. Like a clog in the sink effects the plumbing when the ball gets oversized it starts effecting your whole system.. it sounds like your default is moderatly happy and clear, thats really great! I think like any other condition we have to do what we know is effective for treating it and changing ourselves so it isnt experienced so profoundly. For me that means writing, excercise, interacting, and taking time to process my emotions and thoughts. Ive always been introverted in that sense. I keep alot within and with held. I am fiercely creative, so usually when I stop expressing and creating i can stagnate and get depressed. Even sharing things like I am now helps me develop a resilliance towards depression. I dont know if it ever goes away, but i have loved moments where I have had no awareness of it. Like being on the height of adventure.. Right now i think my brain is healing from years of severe depression, id have episodes where it literally felt my brain was turning to mush. It took a miracle to begin the process of healing and many more to get where I am now, but i have faith that one day I wont struggle with depression, my hope for you is that you will join me in having this sense of optimism. Its hard work, and we have to learn what we can about ourselves. I have learned anger needs an outlet, sadness needs an outlet so not to be dammed up and cause depression. Ive learned i need to take my meds, and take better care of my needs. Ive learned I have to take risks, but not be careless. And ive learned healing takes time and patience. I hope this helps in your knowledge seeking. Thanks for asking this question.
  15. I havent checked in on DF for quite awhile. I wanted to wish each of you who observe the holiday an awesome day. Most of us are on some level quarantine and likely wont see family or friends in the same way as years prior. Let us not forget the true meaning of Easter, which I feel applies to this terrible terrible condition of clinical depression. Even in the midst of great depression, Christ came to me and made a way in the wilderness. In a way, his ressurection is the power that issued my own. I am so grateful for this second lease on true life. His love shines through every cell in my body today and I am feeling the Easter spirit. If your mind becomes your enemy today and says "noone cares, I am not important" I'd like you to know it's a lie. You are invaluable in his eyes. Once more.. Happy Easter and sending love and gratitude to Depression Forums as a whole! -Blueskys
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