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uksarah

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About uksarah

  • Birthday 10/13/1983

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  1. Im not trying to tell her what to do or anything i know that would be wrong i just dont know how to deal or handle it when she keeps talking about the same things because shes worried and looks for advice i i try give the the best advice i have and she still asks the same question over and over and i can understand that she worrys and is paranoid about things. Im just dont know how to deal with that. There was a time i was insecure and i worried a lot and i was paranoid but i had to switch off and try and work past that in order to not let things get to me so much. I dont thinkt hats a good thing because iv learned to switch off my emotions. Where i would feel bad about things in the past i dont feel anything now and its how i learned to cope.
  2. I have a close friend who moved to france because he parents wanted to live out there which is cool But her dad well just how he treats her really gets me to. I dont care who someone is they dont treat a 20 something year old like a 12 year old and tell them what to do and when to do it. Like what time to go to bed and what to watch on tv and whent hey can use their own computer. She is stuck out there without any friends and not knowing many people all her friends are back in england. My friend is very paranoid and insecure because of the way her farther treats her and i try to help and i try to understand but i just struggle and at times it get me down. In here for my friend but she wanted to talk to me so i took the time to stay online and talk with her and then he dad says get offline and get to bed and im like *** its 9pm. She says if she does not do what he says he gets angry and shouts and throws things. All i know is that she could come back to england to live with her aunte until she got back on her feet iv offered to help support her i would even help her but she just says she cant leave. I fully understand her situation and i just find it hard to stand back and try to stay calm you know if that was my farther i would give him a tough time until he gave in and showed some respect but i can only say waht i would do and that would be to get enough money together to get back to england and i would stay in england away from him if he tried to come back and get me well i would get the police on him. Flesh & blood or not you just cant treat people that way. Maybe im wrong for thinking that i just well it makes my blood boil thinking about it. I care for her and some times the things she says just gets to me. Like tonight i took a little big longer replying to a email from her and then she flips and starts sending a lot of emails asking why im not talking to her. She constantly asks me if its safe to do things online like add music to her ipod and things like that and some times it can get too much. I am good friends with her uncle and even he says how hard my friends dad is on her. BUt i just dont want to upset my friend "her uncle" so i try and watch what i say but some times its hard. I miss my friend she keeps talking about coming back and us getting a place togther as friends and looking out for each other but i dont feel she will ever come back. The day she left to go back to france i cried a lot and in time i got over her not being here and i never hear from her again until she got the internet a month ago. Just a lot of mixed emotions flying around. I try my best to understand i just dont know what i can do.
  3. To be frank i really liked her a lot. But it just seems when i find a girl i like that they never want to be with me for one reason or another. Not that i blame them. we been friend for well over a year. She was cool the way she reacted she was fine with it and it was a big deal because her uncle is my friend and he hates transgeners so i knew if she told him i would be in a not very nice place. But i trust her and she promised to never tell her uncle. I got my appointment through for the psychosexual therapist it will take up to 9 months before i can see them. But i dont know how to feel about that. This psoriasis i have was getting worse and worse because of the problems at home between my family and i in regards to my gender issues SO i kinda put it on hold because i did not want any more arguments. My appoint is still coming closer and closer but i dont know what to do about it. Its what i want but i feel my family dont care what i want and if i try to achieve what i want it causes more hurt then i can bare.
  4. I just dont like the doctors. I went there today for my skin and after so many treatments he said it wont clear up so he wanted to do a blood test. But i didnt want him anywhere near me with a needle. I told him i dont want a blood test and he said we will leave it until the next appointment he said to make one for in a weeks time. So i just did not make another appointment. a dermatologist would not have wanted me to take a blood test. But i got a appointment with a dermatologist in a coupld of months time. They might refer me for uv treatment and that has its risks like cancer but i just had enough. Enough of this skin condition ,enough of all the things that scare me in life like my doctor because i had a panic attack when he said about taking a blood test. Truth is i dont think doctors have a clue about more specilist conditions that require a dermatologist. Doctors are not skin experts and they can only try creams and tablets and if they dont work there is nothing else they can do unles they refer you to a dermatologist. I got to got o the hospital for that. For today iv just had about as much as i can take. Thats why tonight i am going to seek comfort in the things i know and love at home. If i let today get the better of me it will mess with my mind.
  5. I was at counselling today and i was not not in a very good palce. I went back to the night that i was attacked and it was like i was not in the room i was back there reliving the attack like i could not see what was going on in the room i have my counselling i just could just see the day of the attack like i was there again and it upset me deeply but i felt safe because my therapist was there. I told her how i feel and for some reason she wants to wright to my doctor. I dont want her too. I know things are perfect and i struggle at times but i feel i have control over certain parts of my life and i will find a way to cope. I just dont need any suprises. I guess i should not have told her that i feel like i dont belong in this world and that i dont fit in here. I think she took that the wrong way. I just ment that i feel that i dont fit in anywhere and i feel isolated and alienated from the out side world. I feel very shaken up and low my therapist said that some times things get worse before they get better with the work im doing to get better and she feels i come a long way and touched on some hard feelings and i need to work throught that. The only thing i know is that iv felt this bad about the past for a very very long time and i just wonder when i will get over it all and feel better again. I know the past is in the past but i dont feel its normal to keep my head in the past if i sit down and have time to think my mind wonders back in to certain painful points in the past and that is where i get stuck its like im not here in the present and im not focusing on there here and now. Iv been trying to not do that but its hard. Im not sure if its flash backs i have or day dreams of the past but they seem so real its like i stepped in to a time machine and gone back to those painful days and see everything that happens as if im there and it scares me.
  6. I have toruble motivating myself too but once you get stuck in to things its easier. I say to myself come on you gotta get this done and go and do it. Deep down i dont want to get things done and i think about doing things for a while before i actualy do them. you just gotta push yourself you know. Easier said then done. Its like this morning i got to wash my hair but i dont want to. I got 6 pets to clean out but i dont want to and if i dont then they wont be very clean and it wont be nice for them so i gotta push myself and get it done.
  7. Im feeling a lot better today guys. The thing was faulty but it will cost me more then what the charger cost to return it in fair. So i am going to wait until im over that way next to change it. Until then i will pick one up from the local shop they said they would test the battery before i brought a charger. Last night when i locked myself in my room the locking thing on the door jammed so bad that i could not open my bedroom door and i woke up to the sound of my parents trying to get in but not even i could open the door. I managed to pick up my dunbells and use them as a lever to open the catch on my door. The weight of the dunbells put enough pressure on the catch to open it. But i went to bed after i posted this andi put on some new cream i brought in town to try and iv noticed a big difference in my skin today its not so red and dry and itchy as it was and it looks like itgs getting better. I think the thing that got to me the most yesterday was all those dreams iv been having and my dad too. Im not going to drop out of college its the only thing i got going on in my life thats helping me get somewhere and work towards my future and if i throw that away i wont have anything.
  8. I feel like i am at breaking point. Everything just keeps going wrong. I went out today and brought a new bettery for my phone i charged it and charged it and it just would not work so i asked my dad if he would take a look at it and he was really nasty to me i was so upset that i threw it and it made ***** in the wall. it went right through the plasterboard. I said i would fix it but then my mum said im nuts. I fed all my rabbits grabbed a drink and locked myself in my room. i dont want to try and get better anymore. Im sick of trying and i mess up next week im going back to college but then i am going to drop out. I dont want my rabbits anymore i dont want to do anything any more i just want to be be shut off from everyone.I dont want to leave this room ever again. my skin is bad and i keep having these horible nightmares of bad things. and i cant cope.
  9. i just needed to get this off my chest. I came out to my other friend today one that is realted to someone i know who hates transgender people. I trust her and i hope word does not get out. I just feellow because i dont know where my life is heading any more or what i should do. Everything is so simple when i am calm but then things get complicated. I had feeling for my friends and i thought she felt the same and i felt iw ould have changed for her if we started dating and we are close friends and tell each other things but i never told her i was trans. Tonight i found out that she only thinks of me as a brother. So thats the reason i came out to her. Sounds messed up.
  10. Hey guys iv not updated much in a while. iv not even update on my trans support group either. I just fet caught up in whats going on and i switch off. since my last post i got my referal through from the psychosexualy therapist. They say there is up to a 9 month waiting list. The main reason my psoriasis skin outbreak happened was because of all the stress and upset and worry of my gender issues. It all started when the arguments and upset happened at home and its only ever gotten worse. on the psoriasis website it says any kind of upset can make the skin worse. In a way i feel part of me has given up because i wont get anywhere with my family. I cant make it out there on my own. I could have left and lost everything that made me feel safe. A big part of me hurts and i play up because of this. I have no idea what i will do once the appointment with the psychosexual therapist gets here. I know what want out of life and there is a lot of conflict surrounding that. When i came and told my family last year hurtful things where said which had a bad effect and for a while there i felt very ill. I always feel not good enough about things but iv never been that close to the edge before. In a ideal world i would be accepted as sarah i would go out in to the world and earn my way. iv never been good at working with my hands but i work with my mind better. Iv always wanted a job and to belong to just have a normal life and i look at my medical records and theres a ton of stuff on there from the hernia i had to depression ,anxiety panioc attacks psoriasis and at the bottom in big bold letters now says "Gender Disorder". i would give anything to have a normal life. To truth of the matter is iv had enough of stuff. The only things in life that make me feel normal are not acceptable in a society that at times can be very ignorant and each day i feel more detached from this world and the more this world feels alien to me. Because i dont care for this world i play up even more. What my mind is telling me at the moment is that i dont want to be apart of this world i want to hide from it but in the safest possible way and if i have to face the world i dont want to be sober anymore. Sedatives will be my new friend. I will go more in to that under substance abuse forum
  11. Iv had psoriasis ever since i was a child. It would come and go but its never stayed this long or got this worse before. Its all ove my hands , wrists, arms down the side of my legs on my shoudlers and neck and it seems to spread a little more each day. Looking back on my past i know that it flaires up when i have issues and things that upset me. Always my psoriasis outbreaks would clear up by summer and summer came and went. Iv tried a lot of treatments from the doctors and otherwise the only one treatment that work wonders costs to much and i just cant afford it at
  12. Happy holidays everyone. Will be glad when the 4th of jan is here "back to college" i dont like the hoildays dont think many people do.
  13. Doing well with my therapist i am going to find it hard over the holidays. Just longing to go back to college and i would like to see my counsellor again. Im still feeling good about therapy. My friend is good. I will try and see him in the coming weeks. Glad that you are doing ok. Not sure how many people like christmas but iv reached the point where i dont feel like doing the whole christmas thing. It will be nice to see my cousins the day after boxing day but i will glad when janurary is here. I just find this time of the year hard. Its like everything stands still and youf eel like hibernating until the warmer weather comes. Thanks for starting this thread
  14. uksarah

    Feeling Sad

    I just feel very sad and alone since the holiday is coming up. I would like to better my life and i want like to meet a special someone to share my life with but all i can find is jerks who have something else in mind. Iv fallen a lot this month. I wait the summer where i can get fit again and i can try and better my life. Get out of debt move on with my life and move out so i can be my own woman. I just feel so unhappy right now i know it will pass and i know i can move forward. I just cant wait until janurary so i can go back to college and i can see my therapist. Happy holidays everyone.
  15. I come on quiet often but i visit the depression central section more then this section. I care about you guys too. Everything just been a blur since college stopped for the hoildays and since the cold weather and snows arrived every day just feels the same and not getting much done. however iv taken this time in doors to explore my sexuality more and for a long time there has been a conflict between what i feel and what i was brought up to believe. I feel that maybe i do like both men and woman and if thats so then i feel happy about it. I can remember having certain feelings for a long time. Back when i was about 16 i used to have feelings. After all these years iv accepted those feelings. My family would go ape if they knew but i dont plan to ever let them know. I just believe that love is love no matter who you fall for weather it be a man or a woman i just dont see anything wrong with it. But i was brought up to believe it was wrong. I guess i just reached a stage in my life where i would like to meet some one and maybe some day i will. In september i may be starting college again but this time it will be full time and maybe i will meet some one special there. The one thing i am uncertain of is how can be bi or stright when i am a virgin but i am not worried about being one. I just want to meet some one get to know them and everything else will happen in time. Theres no rush or anything. I have been chasing up the psycho sexual therapist and i am still waiting to hear from them. If i dont then i will try and save up to go private. That way i wont get messed around so much. I do not feel that i need a operation to make me happy however i would like hormone treatment.. Maybe its all in my mind but i still believe and feel that i am a girl. I just hope that my feelings are true but thats what the psycho sexual therapy is there to help with. Hope you guys are ok and have a nice xmas.
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