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Everything posted by John_in_SF

  1. There you go, looking at the full half of the glass. You are ruining my tragedy!
  2. I know and I can respond in a way that is meaningful. I am writing from a 2-star motel where I have been charitably put up for a week after losing my apartment. I am past the anxiety now and dealing principally with the depression, which comes in an intensity I have not known before. At the moment, I feel okay, but only two hours ago I was quite convinced that my useless life should be over. I still do not have any particular hope for the future, especially since I have no idea where I will be four days from now. The rest of the world is at a Labor Day barbecue. I am alone at the laptop computer someone lent me yesterday debating whether to get drunk in my room. I know it will only make me worse.
  3. How do I feel? Very tired. Slept only three hours before waking up tonight. (My usual has been five.) Then my mind starts reeling and I don't know how to stop it. So I got up and came here to write and listen to some music. Better than lying in bed with my mind on perpetual repeat.
  4. Seems to be my new pattern. Go to bed at 10, wake up at 3 and that's it. I guess five hours is a lot better than nothing. I had a better time of it this morning because I quit taking gabapentin before bed. It was helping me sleep when I was on duloxetine, but now it just increases my depression when I wake up too early.
  5. Love and abuse are not mutually exclusive. It's possible for a parent to love a child but still abuse because of their own demons. In fact, I would bet they are more often found together than not. My parents loved me but were too plagued with their own mental and relationship problems to provide an emotionally responsive environment. On top of it, my mother was an angry, critical, drunken bully most of the time after I turned 10. My father withdrew into sullen codependency. It has taken a lifetime for me to learn that this is not "normal" and how much I missed out on as an only child without even a pet to turn to for comfort.
  6. You're absolutely right. I have lost just about everything at this point. But I am so fearful — or should I say convinced — of rejection. I think that is at the heart of my social isolation and failure to engage the world as a mature adult. I saw a therapist about 15 years ago who makes more sense to me now than he did at the time. He used to say, "You don't expect to be received." He meant emotionally, but I didn't get it back then. Now I do, since I have more insight into the emotional abuse I suffered as a child. The abuse prevented me from maturing emotionally and I over-intellectualize to compensate. That has led me to this directionless life where I don't know what I want and I don't connect with other people. I am sorry to hear "just how bad" things are becoming for you right now. Those are the exact words I used talking to my physician in January as my finances started hitting the rocks.
  7. Feeling much better now that I've had dinner. Also, it's past 7 pm, which is when the afternoon blues start to fade. My life is still a wreck, but I'm not so focused on the tragedy. That will happen again when I wake up at 3.
  8. Thanks, Lilly. That last line gives me the tiniest glimmer of hope. But now I'm heading into my afternoon depression, so I had better go try to have a nap. I've been awake since 3 this morning.
  9. Thank you for the kind thoughts. There are shelters, but the problem is so bad here that people wait for months or years and never get a bed.
  10. I will try. My internet is going away after Tuesday and I don't have a smartphone. (Well, it can do internet but it's ancient and useless for browsing.) I can use the computers at the San Francisco and Oakland public libraries. That is, if I stay in the area. We are already up to the gills in homeless people and the camps and sleeping in the car are too dangerous. I have been going to a church in the area for a few months and I'm dropping off some precious possessions with a church acquaintance tomorrow. I should level with him and see if he has any suggestions. Maybe he will say, "Go." Thank you for commiserating and not reciting platitudes. I think most people here get it about "just cheer up and knuckle down!" and "maybe it will be a fabulous opportunity!" type stuff.
  11. Six days left in my apartment and then I'm homeless. The world has given me so many chances, yet I have stubbornly brought this on myself. Depression has been a stumbling block. Also shame, low self-esteem and an unshakable sense of alienation from the world. I have no job, no friends, no family and now no home. The social services in my area are overwhelmed and unusable. What do I do now? I'm bankrupt and even if I get a job, I won't get a place to live with zero credit and no reference. I have skills, I am free of substance issues, but HOBBLED by my own brain (and substantial age discrimination in the marketplace.) Reading this back makes me feel even more like a failure. There are so many people out there who are more deserving of help than I. Sorry for another sad sack post.
  12. Another 3 am wakeup call. Got up and listened to music, no good. Went back to bed, no good. Depression raging and my concentration is shot. Difficult life choice staring me in the face.
  13. Woke up at 3, worried for three hours, got up, felt terrible. But as I got to work today, my mood steadily improved. It is thankfully cooler today with a strong bay breeze. The wind seems to be telling me to let go and set sail.
  14. AM or PM. Those are the hours when my depression peaks and tells me that I am bad and worthless, there is no hope, and that I had better just give up and get it over with. Three o'clock in the morning has been called The Demon's Witching Hour and I can see why. That's about when I wake up and the anxious thoughts begin to crowd in. They chase each other 'round and 'round until it's time for the main act. Shame and despair wash over me in waves and only through the greatest effort do I avoid the bottomless pit of regret. Sometimes I'll have enough and just get up an hour or two too early. Other times, I'll lie there stubbornly, trying every trick in the book to soothe myself back to sleep. It's not working very well lately. Three to seven in the afternoon is a mini production of the above. I'm awake (I don't nap well), but the anxiety and depression still come and squash me down until early evening. Then there is a respite. I ascend to a place of apathetic contentment. "Oh well, whatever, things are going to hell but I don't feel so bad right now." At least that usually leads me into sleep without much trouble. I'm the opposite of most insomniacs, it seems, who fret about tossing and turning as soon as they go to bed. My troubles don't begin until 3.
  15. So here I am starting to feel a little better. I'm going to start a topic on "The Curse of 3 to 7." Depression swung into full gear today and I'm struggling to work up an appetite for dinner. I have a laborious 10 or so days ahead and then it gets scary.
  16. What are you afraid of? What do you think will happen if you deliver an ultimatum and follow through on it?
  17. Four weeks now since I quit the antidepressant I was taking and I feel up and down a LOT. Still have some minor dizzy zaps so I know my brain continues to readjust. My anxiety is WAY down from where it was back in February and I am better at identifying and shutting down depressive, unproductive thoughts. But they keep popping up like poison mushrooms. At the same time, I have occasional hopeful feelings and thoughts which is a big improvement. I would like to grow them up like tall green grass and choke out the 'shrooms!
  18. Mood still good two weeks after stopping duloxetine. Some small feelings of shame creeping in today, so I am keeping a close eye on it. The course of medication gave me distance from and perspective on my depression. I feel more able to identify depressive thoughts and shut them down instead of falling into the spiral. On another positive note, my brain zaps are noticeably lighter today. Yay.
  19. No, I don't know what you mean by that rather broad and extreme assertion. Care to explain?
  20. Your father sounds a lot like my mother. She was very controlling, highly critical, and never respected my boundaries. An emotional abuser, in other words.
  21. I've tried not to focus on them so not sure. It's definitely linked to eye movement. If I move my eyes quickly in any direction, ZAP!
  22. I love to drink alcohol. The only problem is that I can't stop. So nix on that solution.
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