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Everything posted by John_in_SF

  1. You hoped. I would say that is no failure at all.
  2. Unaccountably cheerful this morning. Maybe it was those two mugs of coffee. I have one more night apartment sitting and then it looks like sleeping in my car until I find the next spot. At least they have a safe overnight parking program here at several church parking lots. That will be an adventure!
  3. You could have some combination of muscle strain and nerve pinch. Or maybe even heartburn. I know that sounds really minor, but heartburn can create all kinds of alarming symptoms in the chest.
  4. Watch out for those benzos. I used to take a low dose of clonazepam to get back to sleep, which worked well, but found that it increased my depression when I got up in the morning.
  5. I have that feeling about twice a day lately. And then I don't. The amazing thing is how utterly convincing those thoughts are when you get them, no matter how high they fly in the face of reality.
  6. Wherever you go, there you are. –Buckaroo Banzai
  7. On the upswing now after a roller coaster day. Made the mistake of not having wind-down time before bed last night and slept pretty badly. All day long I've swung between okay and despondent. Now I'm heading toward the daily peak when it seems like I might be able to fix my screwed-up life after all. I wish that feeling would last.
  8. How well I know that 3 am wakeup call! I slept decently last night; had some mini anxiety attacks in the wee hours but not the usual crushing depression toward sunrise.
  9. Go ahead. Cry for both of us. I haven't been able to.
  10. It was quite hot today and the afternoon depression was more intense than usual. I drove down to the bay and parked in the shade to cool off. That helped a little. Heading into the evening now and the funk is starting to clear. But I'm very tired. And tired of this mood cycle.
  11. Tepid water from the library drinking fountain. It's very hot here today. Last night I made the mistake of drinking alcohol for the first time in a long time and my depression is raging today. Surprise, surprise.
  12. Sitting in an air-conditioned Peet's right now. The coffee lifted me up for a while and now I'm crashing and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my day. I have been lucky to have an extended apartment-sitting stint, but they are testing the fire alarms today and the place is uninhabitable until 6 pm. I really, really need to find some work and the depression is like a wall that I can't see over. I can't visualize myself being good at anything. Part of me knows it's not true but it has not been able to overcome the depressed part. To top it off, I moved my car to a yellow curb last night (didn't see it in the dark) and found an $83 citation this morning.
  13. They took "my" dog. The apartment complex is doing fire alarm testing tomorrow and Friday and the person whose dog I'm sitting decided pooch should be elsewhere. So a friend came and took him away.
  14. That bright light at the end of your alcohol tunnel is most assuredly an oncoming train. I have spent time in that tunnel. Alcohol seems like a magic cure for depression, at least for a few hours. But of course, the reason it feels so good is that your body is now dependent, not because it's fixing some problem other than the one it made for you.
  15. Trapped and lonely tonight. Not a particularly safe neighborhood to go strolling in at night around here. I can drive away, but to what? And have trouble parking when I get back.
  16. Today was a pretty good day. I was able to get a lot of billable work done yesterday and today on my computer, which a friend kept safe for me and brought over to the apartment where I am staying for a few days. I am taking care of my pastor's dog, which gets me out a few times a day and gives me some company around the house that I haven't had for a long, long time.
  17. Pretty good this evening. Nine o'clock is the peak of my "normal-feeling" time, when the world seems not so terrible and I can face what it has dealt me. That will last until about 3 in the morning, when I awake with racing anxious thoughts.
  18. Pay heed to this feeling. It's a warning. I have been in a cycle of depression and isolation for many years and it has brought me close to hitting bottom.
  19. Ambivalent about going on. My week at the motel was up this morning and now I am dog-sitting at my pastor's apartment for a few days. After that, looking at living out of my car. What is the point? Hope eludes me. Yes, this is the afternoon depression talking. It's bad today.
  20. About six weeks off duloxetine now and I would say that my orgasms are just getting back to normal. I also have the very occasional brain zap. This is the longest-lasting discontinuation effect I've experienced on any AD. So if you're considering this powerful drug, think about all the angles. It brought me back from the brink but also knocked out my libido and made me complacent about some urgent aspects of my life, which I could only see in retrospect.
  21. Stalled! My coffee has worn off and I'm experiencing psychomotor retardation. Yuck. Came here to force myself out of it.
  22. Spot knows something is up and he's worried for himself as well as you. I, too, am having rescue fantasies. That tells me that I'm not functioning as an adult, which is probably one of the reasons for my newfound homelessness. I am treating myself with the same neglect and low esteem that I learned from my dysfunctional parents. That has to start with us, doesn't it?
  23. I practiced piano earlier today at the college where I just got a gig accompanying the choir class. Since I don't have a keyboard or an actual place to live (they don't know that yet!), the school is letting me come in to practice once or twice a week. It was a very musty studio with fairly ancient instruments, but gave me something to concentrate on aside from my woes. However, when the two hours were up, the depression hit me like a wall. A huge wall of hopelessness and helplessness and worthlessness, just like the textbooks say. The perfect mood to fight rush hour traffic back to my motel in an industrial district. However, the itsy bitsy teeny weeny good news is that I am starting to pull out of the afternoon depression. I have a chicken pot pie heating in the microwave and my appetite is peaking. So I persist to exist.
  24. It's worse than you think. As I recall, they were dogs, not rats, and they didn't have levers to press. They were harnessed in place so they could not move off the electrode. After a while, the harnesses were removed but the dogs put up with the shocks because they had learned they could do nothing about it.
  25. This may be a controversial suggestion to some, but since you are in San Francisco, and not Peoria, have you thought about hiring a sex surrogate? There are sex workers who are healthy physically and mentally, and talented at what they do without judgment. You said you are not religious so I assume this would not be taboo for you.
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